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Review Requests: OFF
401 Public Reviews Given
432 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
 I review both the technical and creative aspects of writing. I look for
 passive voice, excessive telling and redundant words/ phrases. 

I am British and so write, myself, in UK English. However, I have a good 
understanding of US English and so I am happy to review pieces
 in American English 

Character development is important to me as is tone and atmosphere. 
I am happy to review chapters and novels as long as requests are placed
 one chapter at a time. I will not review a chapter from the middle of 
a novel without having reviewed the rest as plot and character 
development can not be effectively analysed.

Feel free to contact me for reviews.
I'm good at...
I am good at reviewing short stories and chapters. I can not review poetry as I have little experience in that area
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Steampunk.
Least Favorite Genres
Non Fiction and Articles.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels and flash fiction.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Poetry, Erotica
Public Reviews
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51
51
In affiliation with The Editing Room  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review on behalf of the Editing Room.

First, I really like the setting of your story, the location and time period. I like that you set it around a battle from the tail end of the campaign and not one of the large historical ones from its height. I think the overwhelming odds and the soldiers’ goal of just returning home endear them well. There are some aspects, however, where I feel you can improve this piece further.

First, I feel your opening could be made stronger and more gripping. Your opening paragraph, while it contains great visuals, has a lot redundant words making it cumbersome to read.

“He shivered and clutched at his bearskin coat with fingers turned numbed by the cold Russian winter. His breath fogged the air and left a trail of frost on his collar which he did not seem to notice.”

“Shivering he clutched his bearskin coat, fingers numbed by the Russian winter. Fogging the air, his breath left a trail of frost on his collar which he seemed not to notice.”

Particularly in the case of short stories, it is best to be as concise as possible. Don’t use two words where one will suffice.

Another important technique is to show and not tell. Paragraphs two and three are all told back story. Told back story, while it may be informative, is rarely gripping. It is best to reveal this information in a more active way, perhaps through dialogue or just slipping it, a little at a time, into the progressing plot, rather than info dumping. In short, you need to grip the reader at the start. I would suggest avoiding told back story for at least the first page until the pace picks up and you have already grasped the reader’s interest.

Another area I feel could do with a little work is character development. Your characters come across great as soldiers and victims of their circumstance, but I feel they lack individual personality. There is a common character development flaw involving characters being written solely based on their jobs. A good test is to describe your character without any references to job based activities, skills or characteristics. Even the most boring banker has some unique quirk that makes him different to his colleagues (Sorry to any bankers out there. No insult intended). Perhaps, he fiddles with his buttons when bored or anxious, or, perhaps he has a particular way of speaking or an unusual gait.

With well written characters, the reader should be able to tell who is speaking or being described without being told. I found that even with the name references I sometimes found it hard telling the characters apart. They all feel rather generalised. Soldier like, certainly, but not much more than that.

The plot is good, the pace picks up well and the final battle works nicely as a climax. I like the dual between the leaders. It gives focus to the larger scale conflict. I think the dialogue feels a little stinted and unnatural in places, but a little tweak to the character development should fix that as, to me, it just feels too generic and formal. The more personality a character has, the more naturally their dialogue should flow.

There are also quite a few grammar errors punctuating the piece, but I will risk the disapproval of the wdc community in general and say that in a draft piece it doesn’t so much matter. For me, the first focus should always be plot, characters and flow with technical correction relegated to the editing phase, where they belong. I will, of course, happily send you an email with grammar corrections, if you like, but I will also be happy just to re-review your work after any revisions and give the grammar corrections at a stage more fitting (when they aren’t likely to be immediately obliterated by rewriting and tweaking).

Anyway, overall, I think you have a strong plot and a nice setting. I enjoyed reading this story. It has great potential and some nice visual and atmospheric descriptions. This could be a very powerful and engrossing piece with a little polish and tweaking. I certainly think it will be well worth the effort and encourage you to keep working on it.

Nice work so far and keep it up.
52
52
Review of The Egg  
In affiliation with The Editing Room  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review on behalf of the Editing Room.


This is a nice little story. I do love the twist at the end, where the boy gets eaten and not the egg. Very good. Plot wise this a nice, balanced little piece. It keeps the pace and the interest, which is good.

As for things that can be improved; there are quite a few little grammar mistakes throughout the piece and a few spelling mistakes.

The mistake you make the most is using “to” instead of “too”. I’ll give you an example line where both spellings are needed to demonstrate where to use each:

"I had better cook you up quick, before you get to big to fit in any pan or pot we've got!"

The first “to” should be “too”, as in too much. The second is the correct spelling. So it should be:

"I had better cook you up quick before you get too big to fit in any pan or pot we've got!"

You also don’t need the comma in front of before.

You splice sentences a lot, too:

"Jack was a miserable child, his dear mother died
a few years back leaving him with his mean,
old Grandpa to raise him."

“His” onwards should be a new sentence. Might be best to space it out normally, too.

“Jack was a miserable child. His dear mother died a few years back leaving his mean,old Grandpa to raise him.”

The words “him” and “with” can also be removed as they are not needed to give meaning to the sentence and just work to disrupt the flow.

Seaweed is one word as is nevertheless. “Sences” should be spelt “Senses”. There are some other spelling mistakes in there but they look like simple typos, to me. I’m sure you can find those giving it a quick look over yourself.

Your piece is also quite wordy. If you look carefully you can find a large number that can be removed without losing meaning. For example:

“Jack's stomach growled loudly at the thought of
scrambled eggs or eggs cooked in any way for that
matter, especially eggs that he personally would get to
eat.”

“Eggs” is used three times here in one sentence. It should only need to be used once if arranged correctly:

“Jack's stomach growled loudly at the thought of scrambled eggs, or cooked any way for that matter if he was to eat them.”

That’s just an example. I’m sure you can arrange it better.

I can see this story is meant for children and I think the simple language you use works great for a young audience. The told, passive style of the piece, while it does give a little distance between the reader and the story, gives a fairy tale kind of feel to the piece, so I can’t, overly, complain about that. I would look at tightening it up, though. Removing any repetitions and concentrating the meaning into as few words as possible. A lot of told narrative tends to slow the pace of a piece, already, but you can, in part, offset that by streamlining which, I feel, is the direction to go in.

Anyway, this a good piece with plenty of potential. I hope my review has given you a few pointers on which to build.

Keep up the good work, and feel free to email me if you want more details.
53
53
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: E | (4.0)


This is a review on behalf of the Lords of High Fantasy Spring Raid.


Wow, this is certainly a wall of text. In fact, I think the lack of any paragraphing is by far this piece's main issue. However, I love the imagery in this piece and its ethereal atmosphere. I think mood and atmosphere is spot on and the pace picks up really fast with the early action.

I'm a little confused, actually. While there is the odd grammar mistake, it isn't that bad, overall, so I have trouble understanding why there is a complete lack of paragraphing as you clearly know the main grammar rules. The blockiness of the piece makes it very hard to read, particularly when you get to the dialogue. I think it's real shame.

The characters and plot are strong, the dialogue is snappy and natural and the action works well. I really think with just a little structuring this could be a really good piece.

In case you don't know, I'll give you a few examples of how it should be set out:

One of the angels steps forward. "What have they done to you, Nessa? You were so beautiful," he says tenderly. Nessa replies angrily, "Don't call me that, Michael! That's not who I am!" Before Michael can reply, another angel steps forward. "Just give us the child, Nessa," he says as he gestures to the small bundle in the demon's arms.

Should be like this:

One of the angels steps forward. "What have they done to you, Nessa? You were so beautiful," he says tenderly.

Nessa replies angrily, "Don't call me that, Michael! That's not who I am!"

Before Michael can reply, another angel steps forward.

"Just give us the child, Nessa," he says as he gestures to the small bundle in the demon's arms.

The only other thing that is hampering this piece is its padding with redundant words. For example:

"Night has just fallen over the already dark and gloomy forest. The only sounds that can be heard are the scurrying the small animals and the chirping of crickets."

"Night fell over the already dark and gloomy forest with the only sounds to be heard, the scurrying of small animals and chirping of crickets."

The more words you can chop out while maintaining the meaning and structure the better, really. So be brutal.

This really is a good piece, though. All it needs a little restructuring to make it shine. A little paragraphing will make a massive difference here, and I really think it is worth the effort.

Anyway, good job so far. Keep it up.

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54
54
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


This is a review on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group.


I like this story. The characters are great in it. You really have developed them very strongly. I love seeing the sleeping beauty story from a new angle. It is a great idea, and you have developed it very well.

The largest issue, for me, is the accenting all the way through. Now, you do do the accenting very well, and I can see that it adds to the peasant characteristic, but using the accenting in both the dialogue and narration makes it very hard to read and subsequently slows the reading of the piece down. I also found the accenting disrupted the flow as I routinely had to reread sections. It made the piece feel longer than it is, and while I personally don't think that any of the actual time covered needs to be removed to cut the story down, it did feel stretched to be due, mainly, to the extra time it took me to read it.

I, personally, would suggest removing the accenting from the narration but to keep it in the dialogue. I would also suggest turning some of the narration into internal dialogue, direct thoughts, which could add a little of the accenting back in without having it everywhere, as I do think it does add to the characters and the tone of the piece.

I would also like to know more about when the prince turned up. It would be great if the boys saw more of his daring rescue. It feels almost to me like an anti-climax when they only get a brief glimpse.

This is a great story, though, and I enjoyed it very much. Despite it fairy tale plot, it feels very grounded and real. I felt a strong connection to the characters and that carried me through the story. Good job.




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55
55
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


This is a review on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group.


I like this piece very much. The voice of your main character is very strong and I like the slightly menacing over tone which hints of biological warfare/ control. The ability of absolute control over people would really be quite terrifying in the wrong hands. The situation in this story is made all the more haunting by the actual history of scientists seeking discovers for humanity's salvation only to end up creating the next great weapon. It really is quite disturbingly plausible.

I felt quite sorry for the main character. Always average and getting over looked, then to finally be presented with the one major discovery which could change that, only to be forced to hide it.

To me, it doesn't feel much like a short story. It feels more like it needs a continuation. Does the company find out, and does john give in to temptation and use the drug to advance himself, socially? The ending certainly hints at that outcome.

I think this would be great story to expand. There is so much further it could go.

I think the plot works great in this piece and the pacing is good. Some of the sentences were a little jumbled, to me, in places but not very many.

The only thing I can say, really, is that the past tense narration does keep it from being as absorbing as it could be, as it is more a diary or telling of the past style than living the moment, but it works well regardless. I think you've done a good job with it. Keep it up.







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56
56
Review of The Web  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a review on behalf of the CSFS rock 'n' raid.


I can see what you are trying here, and it does have potential, but just because a piece is flash back doesn't mean it has to be related in such a distanced, past tense way. The passive telling of the scene really curbs the action, distancing the reader. In action scenes it is important to make it as direct and powerful as possible. For example:

"Without hesitation or thought, I immediately dove for the man in the center of the room. While flying through the air, I was able to grab my pistol and take aim at the three on the left. 1…2…3…"

"Immediately, I dove for the man in the center of the room. Grabbing my pistol while flying through the air, I took aim at the three on the left. 1…2…3…"

Generally, the fewer words you can get something across in, the sharper and more powerful it will come across.

Here is another example:

"As I crashed to the floor, I rolled to my feet before the man in the center could react, I turned him around and applied a headlock and put my gun to his head."

"Crashing to the floor, I rolled to my feet before the man in the center could react. Then, turning and headlocking him, I put my gun to his head."

These are just a couple examples of how you can tighten up your writing.

Overall, I like your piece, though. The main character's confusion comes across well in the piece and adds a sense of mystery, which is always a good hook. I think, if written less passively, it could pack a real punch. It certainly has good potential as a piece. I hope you keep working on it.

Keep it up.

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57
57
Review of love happens  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review on behalf of the CSFS rock 'n' raid.


I like the character, she comes across well. The tone of a high school prank works well, too. It is a shame it is so badly structured and filled with mistakes.

As it is such a short piece, I'll paste it in beneath and run through it all.

"My life sucks". Claire screamed on (at the) top of her voice, running in just her underwear, pulled up socks and sneakers.

She screamed repeatedly as people turned around to watch her.


You can remove both "around" and "her" without losing meaning.

"I can't believe I'm doing this, but that's the dare." I (Claire) muttered under my (her) breath.

I is first person, yet you started in third person. You need to choose one or the other. The first person in the muttering is fine as it is dialogue. This problem runs through the whole of the rest of the piece. So either the first part (3rd) or the last part (1st) will have to be changed

"Damn sienna," I cursed quietly.

"My life sucks". I ran down the street and bummed (bumped) into a hot hot senior, in school, falling on my butt.

"Re you okay?" He asked as he helping me up "And why does your life suck?"

"It's a bet."

"Thought as much. You're claire from grade school right?"

I nodded numbly."Yeah".

"Can I take a video of your 'My life sucks'?"

"No."

"Can't wait to put it on youtube."

I felt my jaw fall off. He grinned as he saw my face.

"Just kidding. Just something to look at when I'm bored senseless. See you around" he smirked and left.

"OMG"


The dialogue gets a bit blocky at the end, too. You could do with adding a little more description. Like, perhaps, the main character might want to cover herself with her hands to preserve her dignity on bumping into the senior. And, perhaps, the boy's gaze might stray to areas that make her feel uncomfortable. Not many boys could resist against that when presented with a half naked woman.

It is a good piece, so far, though. With a little fixing and reworking it will be a good piece. Well done.

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58
58
Review of the post office  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review on behalf of the CSFS rock 'n' raid.


This is a nice piece but stunted with bad grammar and mistakes. It is a shame, as you have some nice imagery and the ending could be made to really pack a punch if the piece, overall, wasn't so halting and hard to understand.

I'll try to give you some examples as to how the flow can be improved, and as the first sentence is of great importance in a story, I'll start with that one:

"The world was waking up. The dawn broke the night’s loneliness. The new sun’s light was sneaking through the horizon."

"As the world woke, the dawn light broke the night’s loneliness, sneaking through the horizon."

This turns three sharp sentences into a single smoother one, which as the subject is the same through all three (the dawn) it works. The next sentance just needs a little rejigging to make it flow better:

"The birds left their nest in search of food around the corn fields."

"Leaving their nests, the birds went in search of food around the corn fields."

Your dialogue is equally clunky. When people speak they, generally, will do so as concisely as possible. Having excessive words in dialogue will make the speech feel forced, and unnatural. For example:

“I think you should now put on something warm,” said Ramesh, “the urbans are not much resistent to the rural winters.”

Sounds much more natural as:

“You should put on something warm,” said Ramesh. “Urbans are not very resistent to rural winters.”

There are a lot of instances of incorrect grammar in the piece which needs to fixed. For example:

"We loaded our bags and exit the coach, had to quit my tea. I felt a shiver of cold outside, so quickly I reached a jacket in my bag and put it on."

To correct the grammar it should be:

"We loaded our bags and exited the coach. I had to quit my tea. I felt a shiver of cold outside, so quickly reached for a jacket in my bag and put it on."

Better yet it could written as:

"Grabbing our bags, we exited the coach, forcing me to quit my tea. Feeling a shiver of cold outside, I reached for a jacket, from my bag, to pull on."

This one uses less words and so increases the pace and fluidity.

Overall, though, I like this piece. If you can get past the grammar and clunky sentences, there is a good tale, and I like the twist at the end, it really makes you want to read more. I like the main character, too. You do a good job of making him feel like a fish out of water. Also, the awkwardness of arriving at a place for the first time is well translated. I feel with some work this could be a wonderful piece. It just needs a heavy edit and a little restructuring to free the beauty inside.

Anyway, good job so far. Keep it up.


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59
59
Review of Ritual  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


This is a review on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group.


I'll start by saying this is a very good piece, I really enjoyed it. It starts with a mood of romance and young love which very sharply turns to horror and tension. The romantic setup at the beginning works great to detract the readers mind from anything sinister and contrasts the horror of the feeding scene well.

The tension is well done. You can feel the woman's fear as they set upon her. The change of her fear to sexual ecstasy was a good precursor to the twist at the end.

All in all, this is very well thought out piece. The characters felt real, the dialogue was very good and the pace kept up through the whole piece. I couldn't find any mistakes with regards to grammar and the sentences flowed well throughout. So, a very good job. It was a pleasure to read.

Keep it up,

Katie.





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60
60
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


This is a review on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group.


Hi Winnie! Here is a review for you. There was plenty to choose from in your port, too. I would like to give a reason for why I chose to read this one, but, truth be told, I just picked a short story at random. I'm very glad of my choice, though. I really enjoyed reading this piece.

I found this a very emotional piece, even more so for me as I can empathise with the plight of the daughter, losing a relative to dementia. My grandfather has the same problem, although his at least comes in fits and starts.

I found the part where the woman is asking after her long dead parents particularly meaningful. My grandad would do the same, phoning our house in a panic saying that he couldn't find my Gran anywhere when she'd died years ago. It's both an unpsetting and an awkward situation to be in as you don't really want to tell them that they died years ago and bring back all the grief associated. I really like the way the daughter handled it in saying:

“No, Mom, we’re not going to see Grandma today. Maybe tomorrow.”

That is more or less how we decided to cope with the situation. We would just tell Grandad not to worry that everything would be fine in a few hours, which it would as by that time his confusion would have passed.

Obviously, I can't really comment on your grammar and punctuation. I think we both know you are much better in that than me. The only suggestion I have is with the opening. A lot of the memories seem to come unbidden into the main characters mind. It just occurs to me that, perhaps, photographs could provide a link between the present and the memories in addition to her home's decor, as photos generally are seen as gateways into the past, particularly for people with dementia. Other than that I can make no real suggestions for improvement. I enjoyed the piece very much. It was touching and quite uplifting at the end. Thanks for sharing it.






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61
61
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


This is a review on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group.



I'm first going to say that I don't normally review poetry as I don't really write much of it myself, however, as you requested it, I'll give it a bash.

I really like the overall story and tale of the piece. The Christmas spirit of hope in all things comes across really well in the piece and the piece has real magical quality to it. I like the tie in with the Christmas nativity story, that was very cleverly slipped in.

Overall I liked the flow of the piece. I understand that in free form the there is no need for ridged structure or line matchings of length, and I thought that freedom worked well in this piece.

There are a few places, however, where I personally feel the flow could be increased:

On a stable and a manger
And, thinking it was peculiar,
He slid down
The star beam.
He saw a baby there,
A special child

Now to me in the context of the flow of the rest of that stanza and the overall poem, that bit seems to stick out for me. The flow just seems a little barbed.

I personally would try:

On a stable and a manger
And, thinking it was peculiar,
slid down the star beam.
and saw a baby there,
A special child

To me, that flows a little better but I'm sure you can get it even better. I just feel it needs a little rejigging.

Another part is:

Now the parents
Seemed preoccupied
With the party they
Just attended
And sending Amy to bed
Quickly,
But for some reason
They stopped for a moment
As the room
Seemed to grow brighter.

There is a lot of seemed and other unnecessary words that just get in the way. Now I can't seem to rearrange it without it becoming a little Poe like. But here it goes:

Now the parents,
preoccupied
with the party
Just attended,
Sending Amy to bed,
Quickly,
for some reason,
stopped a moment.
The room
Growing brighter.

This might not fit the style of the rest of the poem, however, but I think you can see in the rejigging just how many words were unnecessary with regards to the overall meaning. I just feel it needs to be streamlined a little, if not to the extreme of above.

Anyway, I loved the Christmas feel and theme of the poem, and the flow was, overall, good. It's a nice poem, good job. I enjoyed reading it very much. Keep it up.



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62
62
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review on behalf of the CSFS review raid.

I quite like this story so far. The first chapter picks up quickly and drew me in well. For me, the pace fell quite a lot in the second chapter and I didn't feel it was as cohesively written as the first. There were more mistakes, and I felt the dialogue worked better in chapter 1. In chapter 2 it all feels a little contrived, probably due to the fact that people don't tend to speak as formally as they write, which a lot of your dialogue felt like.

I did like the way your character came across in chapter 2. It is good to introduce a character's weaknesses as long as their strengths which you did well. His home life was also well painted in this chapter and the back story was crept in quite unintrusively, which is good.

Now, your grammar needs some work. Particularly with regards to spliced sentences, of which I spotted quite a few:

"I m leaving, burn the body first, throw the ashes into the river, then burn the house, nothing must be left. Return to base after finishing this up, there must not be any mistake, otherwise….”

Should be split into quite a few sentences as follows:

"I m leaving. Burn the body first, throw the ashes into the river then burn the house. Nothing must be left. Return to base after finishing this up. There must not be any mistake. Otherwise….”

You also have a habit of slipping into text writing, using "U" instead of "You":

"Suffer one more shock while u die."

There are quite a few more mistakes but I won't point them all out.

Overall, I enjoyed the plot and characters in your story. It kept my attention through both chapters which is good, and I enjoyed reading it. With the fixing of the mistakes, this could be a very good piece. Keep it up.

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63
63
Review of Turkey Talk  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review on behalf of the CSFS review raid.

Now, I found this piece interesting. The idea is good and gives a different view on thanksgiving. I like that the main character got eaten in the end that was a good conclusion. The decision to give back story in the form of a story told by the main character was interesting, but perhaps would have been better done in a longer piece, as here it just disjointed the plot and flow of the story.

The main character was well conceived and carried the story well. The gradual demise of the other birds was good, too, in building to the climax.

For me, though, the weaknesses in the piece lie in the tone and the mood which I don't feel were quite achieved. You don't really get the sense of the farmyard or any feeling of dread from birds as to whether they might be the next to go. Also there is the problem of paragraph spacing, which wasn't quite done right. You need to either leave a line between paragraphs or indent the starts. Otherwise the text just looks blocky and indistinct, which makes it hard to read.

The grammar and spelling in the piece also needs some work as there are a lot of mistakes in it.

Here is an example:

fathers = Feathers

You could also do with looking at you comma usage as there are a lot of mistakes in that:

This Tom here you know Thomas T Turkey.

should be:

This Tom here, you know, Thomas T Turkey.

Because "you know" is an interrupter, i.e not directly relevant to the understanding of the sentences and so it needs to be set out by commas.

"You know something you don’t see anyone giving us any thanks."

Should be split into two sentences, because it contains a question and a statement.

You know something? You don’t see anyone giving us any thanks.

And one last example:

"He came back no turkey with him."

which should be:

He came back, no turkey with him.

As the "he came back" is an introductory phrase, or something like that. And needs to be set off with a comma.

There lots of other mistakes in there. Along with lots of sentences that you have spliced together, even without the commas.

So, overall, its a good story with meaning and is an interesting take on a thanksgiving tale. I enjoyed reading it, and if you just brush up on the structure and grammar you will have nice little piece, here.

So, nice work and keep it up.

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64
64
Review of RRRIIIPPP!!!  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review on behalf of the CSFS review raid.

I enjoyed this piece. The tone of the high school embarrassment story was nicely prominent, and I love the way the scale of the mishaps got larger as the story progressed. It was a good way to build to the climax.

When it came to the mood of the piece, however, I found it a little flat. The telling, despite the embarrassing predicaments, lacked any emotional pull for me until the final event.

You also use a lot of unnecessary words which slows the pace down. For example:

“High school student Sabrina had just put on a white T-shirt and her favorite blue denim jeans to wear to school that day. She was about to leave for school, when her mother stopped her.”

Now in the above passage you have mentioned school three time, which is at least one repetition too many. I would change it to:

Student, Sabrina, had just put on a white T-shirt and her favorite blue denim jeans to wear to high school that day. She was about to leave, when her mother stopped her.

This reduces it to just the one usage, and I would even cut out the student bit all together as in saying she is going to high school tells the reader that, anyway. So just:

Sabrina had just put on a white T-shirt and her favorite blue denim jeans to wear to high school that day. She was about to leave, when her mother stopped her.

Would more than do I feel.

Still it was a good story, and your grammar was rather good on a whole. If you just went through the piece and sharpened it up a bit, through deleting any unnecessary repetitions and changing the tense into something a little more dynamic and absorbing then I think you will have a good piece here.

Again, I enjoyed it. Keep it up.


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Review of No, Not Anymore  
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I really like the emotion in this poem, the hurt and betrayal. I think the anger comes across well in the sharpness of the form.

Now, when it came to flow, I couldn't quite find the consistency in it. It seemed to rhyme in places and not in others. Now, I didn't mind that. I mean, yes, it felt a little confusing to me but, then, considering the subject and tone, I feel the sort of emotions the poem gets across are quite confusing ones, so I felt it fitted the poem's subject and tone. Although, I personally, would have liked it to flow a little more consistently.

So, overall, I like this piece very much. It is dark and emotional and I loved the story telling of the piece. Very good keep it up.

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Review of "Crossing Over"  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very powerful poem, full of reflection and regret. Just like losing someone dear, the poem leaves behind a tangle of sorrow because the person gone, or in this case soon to be, and joy that you had them in your life. It is a really touching piece.

I really love the flow of the piece. It works well, and you have some very clever word usage in there. I did stumble in my reading a little due to there being no commas, but I understand that is just down to personal preference and not right and wrong.

I marked you down half a star, merely, because I feel the first half of the poem doesn't flow as well as the second half. It's still really good, just not as smooth.

Overall, though, a great piece and I loved it. Wonderful imagery, great mood and nice flow. A very good job. Keep it up.

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Review of The Moon Land  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm reviewing this as part of a reviewing course. Your piece caught my attention as it has a very child-like, innocent, fairytale type feel to it, which, I feel, comes across really well.

The voice it carries is very young and reminds me very much of the way I used to view the world as a child. I find it very refreshing against all the dark, heavy drama of adult life.

The plot was a nice child’s fairytale game type event and I think the simple style of the description adds to the childlike character. It feels almost like a child’s drawing, basic squiggles that nevertheless make up a picture.

Now, grammar and structure wise there are a lot of mistakes. You need to remember to space your paragraphs out between dialogues with an empty line. For example:

Ok we’re there. We’re going to the beach. " Mum? Can we get some ice-cream?"

"Of course, honey. What flavour do you want?"

" Chocolate, Smarties and chocolate chip."

You also have a problem with missing some apostrophes, particularly between I’m and we’re. For example:

“Ok were there. Were going to the beach,”

And:

“Im going in the water now.”

Which should be:

“Ok we’re there. We’re going to the beach,”

“I’m going in the water now.”

You also seem to try to indicate sounds and events in a very unusual way:

'knock knock'

Now, that might be fine if you are writing role play in a web forum or if you are writing a script but in a story it would be better written as:

“There was a knock at the door”, or, “a knock-knock sounded from the door”. Or, for a more child like version, perhaps, “knock-knock went the door.”

You also don’t need to capitalise random words like:

One side was blue and the other, you guessed it PINK.

The little PINK girl said" Your Majesty. These two girls are lost."

Now, I know people do sometime capitalise words on writing dot com, however, that is mainly when they are using word prompts which have to be included in a piece. If you just want to draw emphasis to a word then you italicise it, as such:

One side was blue and the other, you guessed it, pink.

The little pink girl said, "Your Majesty. These two girls are lost."

Of course, I don’t personally see the reason to make those words stand out, at all. Repeating the word twice in two sentences brings attention to the colour pink, anyway, without needing to draw further emphasis.

Still, other than the technical errors, I found it a sweet little tale. The voice of the child character came across well in it. So, good job so far.

With some editing and restructuring, this will a good piece and would be very good as a short children’s book for early readers.

Keep it up!

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Review of Imprisoned  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I’m doing this review as part of a reviewing course. Your piece caught my eye as while very short it tells a nice, cohesive story.

I really like the concept of your story here. The revelation at the end alters the meaning of the whole piece in an interesting way.

The piece has a nice feeling of despair and entrapment, and the language you use does bring to mind a dark, grimy, prison cell which is obviously what you were after. The character also comes across well. You can feel his isolation and desire to escape.

Now, I did have a problem with the food and drink being dropped in through the ceiling as that is not how it would be, in light of final revelation, as it would come through a tube.

When it comes to the grammar, there are a lot of mistakes in it. For example:

“it was dark and wet and uncomfortable.”

You need to remember to start every sentence with a capital letter. This might seem basic and trivial but full stops are small, and the capital letters make spotting the beginning of a sentence easier for a reader.

There are also a lot of commas missing throughout the piece. For example:

“Eventually he simply got tired of trying but when hope grew dim he found himself trying again.”

Now “eventually” is a Disjunctive Adverbial Word which therefore needs a comma after it as it modifies the meaning of the clause following it.

The “but” is joining two separate sentences into one and so needs a comma before it.

“when hope grew dim” is a introductory clause/phrase, I can never remember which is which, but I know that you need a comma after this one.

So the corrected sentence is:

“Eventually, he simply got tired of trying, but when hope grew dim, he found himself trying again.”

There are also a few spelling mistakes throughout the piece, but those seem like typos to me, so I won’t point them out. I’m sure you can find them, yourself.

Other than that this is a good little piece. I enjoyed it very much. It was a nice twist at the end, and you told the tales in a very absorbing way. Very good job. With a bit of a clean and an edit, this will be a very good piece. Keep it up.

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Review of Alone, All Alone  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a sweet little high school tale; perhaps, getting a little darker than most, but I think that stands in its favour. As you asked mainly for a review centring on grammar, I’ll comment on that first.

I’m afraid there are a lot of grammar errors throughout the piece, mainly typos and mistakes with comma usage. Comma’s are tricky, so I do sympathise with you. Due to the high number of mistakes, I can’t correct them all, but I will correct a few, and hopefully, by looking through your work yourself, you will be able to correct the other similar mistakes.

“Ruby, hello, are you even listening?” Kim, my best friend, was waving her hand in front of my face trying to get my attention.

With my understanding of grammar the speech here should be more than one sentence as otherwise you end up with a spliced sentence which can be tricky to read.

The first comma should be either a question mark or an exclamation mark, depending on whether you want the calling of her name to be questioning or sharp. I, personally, would also replace the second comma with a question mark, but that may just be personal taste. You also need a comma after face, as it is Kim who is trying to get Ruby’s attention, not ruby’s face.

“Ruby? Hello? Are you even listening?” Kim, my best friend, was waving her hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention.

Next bit:

After a while the bell, for once rang when I wanted it to breaking the awkward and embarrassing silence that had fallen between us. Immediately I got up and started to leave when Kim ran over to me her blue eyes shining with worry.

This is a very confusing paragraph due to a large lacking in commas. I’ll try and explain the best I can where I added them and why.

After a while, the bell, for once, rang when I wanted it to, breaking the awkward and embarrassing silence that had fallen between us. Immediately, I got up and started to leave, when Kim ran over to me, her blue eyes shining with worry.

“After a while,” is an introductory clause/phrase (I can’t be sure which, but the rules are the same) and so it needs a comma after it.

“At once” is an interrupter and so needs a comma at the beginning and the end. A comma is need before breaking, as it refers back to the bell.

Immediately is an interrupter( I think) and so needs a comma after it. “I got up and started to leave” is an introductory phrase (I think) so needs a comma after it.

I can’t tell you the rule that puts the comma before “her blues eyes”, but I know it needs one.

The next line needs a full stop between “so bad” and “I am really sorry” otherwise you end up with a spliced sentence. And you don’t need the exclamation mark after “I just do things without thinking.” As it isn’t an exclamation.

“Oh, I didn’t know you had taken that so bad. I am really sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just do things without thinking.” She explained.

I’ll leave it that for the grammar as I’m afraid I don’t have time to do the whole piece. I hope that much helps. My comma usage isn’t perfect either, but it should be pretty decent.

Anyway, other than that, you need to space your paragraphs out more. The text is very blocky which makes it very hard to read. You should tab your new paragraphs or leave a blank line between them, to make them easier to distinguish. For example:


I knew Giles had probably talked to her about just how embarrassed I would be and that she should say sorry before I got annoyed. He was good like that. He and Kim had been going out for a year now but I still remember the surprise I had had when he shyly asked Kim out and then my even greater surprise when she had said yes. Now after a year of experience they know each other really well and Giles knows just the right way to explain to Kim the possible consequences of her actions that she doesn’t usually comprehend until they are upon her. I think that they are just the perfect couple except for one thing… I may have a slight crush on Giles myself which is making me a little edgy being around them together. I found myself walking towards my classroom in B block while reassuring Kim that it was Ok and that I had forgiven her when I come across a person I definitely did not want to see, Charley Starford, the Prissy so and so of the school. She immediately noticed me, looking down her long perfectly shaped nose as if I were some gum stuck on her shoe.
“Hello Ruby, what did you reckon of Jackie’s party the other night?”She asked disdainfully.

Is very hard to read, and is better as:

I knew Giles had probably talked to her about just how embarrassed I would be, and that she should say sorry before I got annoyed. He was good like that.

He and Kim had been going out for a year now, but I still remember the surprise I had had when he shyly asked Kim out, and then my even greater surprise when she had said yes. Now after a year of experience, they know each other really well, and Giles knows just the right way to explain to Kim the possible consequences of her actions that she doesn’t usually comprehend until they are upon her. I think that they are just the perfect couple except for one thing… I may have a slight crush on Giles myself, which is making me a little edgy being around them together.

I found myself walking towards my classroom in B block while reassuring Kim that it was Ok and that I had forgiven her, when I come across a person I definitely did not want to see, Charley Starford, the Prissy so and so of the school. She immediately noticed me, looking down her long, perfectly shaped nose, as if I were some gum stuck on her shoe.

“Hello Ruby, what did you reckon of Jackie’s party the other night?” She asked disdainfully.

Anyway, enough with the grammar, I think.

As for the rest. The mood and tone of a troubled, teenage, high school experience, while not strong, was recognisable enough. The teasing and bulling the main character has to put up with, does quite well in creating an emotional link with the reader, but it could made stronger, as a lot of the details are skipped over leaving it a little bland in places.

The plot of the bullied, unpopular, teenager’s battle while not unusual was presented in a slightly different way due to the friendship breakup which added to the main characters woe. Although, I do wonder at the strength of the anger from her friend, as, to me, having a crush on someone’s boyfriend isn’t an issue, so long as it isn’t acted on.

I would think that any friend who would cut of associations that strongly over such a thing could never have been counted as a friend to begin with. I think it would be more likely, in that situation, that the friend may just gradually drift away rather than explosively rejecting Ruby, and more out of a slowly building sense of jealousy or mistrust. Of course, that is just my view on it.

The ending was sweet and uplifting. But I do feel that some sort of final encounter with the Charley character, who came across quite strongly at the beginning as an antagonist would have given the story a stronger conclusion.
All in all, though, you have made a good start, and while it does need a good edit and a little reworking, the structure is there to build on, and I’m sure if given a little time it will really shine and be a very good piece of writing.

I hope this helps and keep writing. I’m sure you will do very well at it in the future.



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Review of Dagger  
In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow. I really like this poem. It has a wonderful rhythm to it and very nice imagery and emotions. It is a very deep piece. It tells a full story and really communicates well the pain of a break up and the sometimes uneasy peace which falls after.

A very good job. Keep it up.


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In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a very good prologue. It sets the history at a decent pace and in a nice immediate fashion, which pulls the reader in well.

You don't need apostrophes around the thoughts, though, as they aren't spoken and apostrophes are quite often used as speech marks in the UK. The best way to show direct thoughts is to italicise them. Other than that, very well written. The characters come across well and the description is detailed and vivid.

Nice start. Keep it up.


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In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I think this is a good start, but I do find the cultural references clashing with the age.

It seems to be set in modern times, yet with a more Victorian feeling culture of child labour and servitude. All I can think of when reading it is that in this day and age we have benefits for low income families and trade unions to make sure workers aren't taken advantage of. Children of sixteen to eighteen are required by law to be given extra breaks and shorter working days. It seems to lead to a clash of realities.

Now, it may be that you are creating a modern world where work ethics never improved and where it is still legal to treat workers like slaves. I do feel if this is the case, though, that it needs more explanation, as modern people when presented with a modern world will jump to an assumption that it follows the same rules as our own, unless told otherwise.

You have some nice imagery in your piece, however, and it is quite well written. So nice work and keep it up.

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In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This story shows some good promise. Your dialogue is nicely written but it does need to be put inside quotation marks. Your description is good, but you could do with using a little more show rather than tell to get it across, as at the moment it feels very distanced.

It also seems to me to lack an emotional connection. When it gets to the end and the main character is about to be cut up, I should be feeling sympathy for the guy, but I didn't, which means an emotional connection to the character was not established. Perhaps a more dynamic description of his frustrations at work would make him easier to empathise with.

The plot and structure of the story were good. The story advances well and at a decent pace. You experience the whole journey with the main character, from discovering the restaurant to the rather sticky end, which is good. And while the twist at the end wasn't completely unexpected it was delivered well.

So all in all. It is a good piece. You could do with making the main character more appealing and rewording sections to make them more immediate and involving. But what you have is a very good start. Keep it up.

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In affiliation with The Lords of High Fantasy  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very nice piece. It's a pity it was disqualified. I think it would have done well. The situation of the main character came across really well and therefore I empathised with her.

I think you did really well in merging the unusal collection of prompts. It is very well written and nicely polished, so well done. Keep it up.
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In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a very good piece. I enjoyed it very much. I have a fascination for ancient Egypt and their gods, and it is nice to read how you play them out in fiction. I think it is a shame that you don't intend to get it published. But seeking publication can destroy the fun in writing, so I understand why you may not want to pursue that.

For what it's worth, I enjoyed reading this piece, and will hopefully find time to read some more at some point. Happy writing.


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