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401 Public Reviews Given
432 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
 I review both the technical and creative aspects of writing. I look for
 passive voice, excessive telling and redundant words/ phrases. 

I am British and so write, myself, in UK English. However, I have a good 
understanding of US English and so I am happy to review pieces
 in American English 

Character development is important to me as is tone and atmosphere. 
I am happy to review chapters and novels as long as requests are placed
 one chapter at a time. I will not review a chapter from the middle of 
a novel without having reviewed the rest as plot and character 
development can not be effectively analysed.

Feel free to contact me for reviews.
I'm good at...
I am good at reviewing short stories and chapters. I can not review poetry as I have little experience in that area
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Steampunk.
Least Favorite Genres
Non Fiction and Articles.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels and flash fiction.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Poetry, Erotica
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group



I can see why people are having issues following this piece. It all moves a bit fast and doesn’t quite feel fully formed. I think you need more scene building, character building and plot building because it all feels a little thin and rushed at the moment.

To go from the beginning, I think we need to know what show incites Joey’s frustration. You can make one up of course but I think you should describe a short section, or just Joey’s scathing opinion of it in more detail.

I don’t get your reference to gothic sci-fi. There doesn’t seem to be any gothic atmosphere or mood in the piece. I would think of gothic sci-fi as dark, with maybe demons and dark magic mixed with sci-fi technology. All you seem to have in your piece is a vague reference to witches but there is no magic or anything dark at all. The plot is really around the technology to stream TV from alternate realities, which I would say puts it solidly in the standard Sci-fi genre.

I think if Kari is supposed to be a witch that this aspect needs more expansion and you need to explain what a witch is in the context of this story, as they don’t seem to be the magic casting kind that most people would associate the term with. Even if they do cast magic, I still don’t think this would make the piece gothic sci-fi but more science fantasy but as mentioned before I don’t think it currently falls into either camp.

I think you need to work, particularly, on Joey’s character. He doesn’t really seem to have a personality, as it is, he just seems to exist in the story for the purpose of getting addicted to the TV and moving on the plot. While plot driven stories are not a bad thing, the characters still need to be strong enough to assert some identity and not just feel like a rag doll getting dragged from plot point to plot point or a place holder just in existence to make the plot possible. While Kari did have a little more personality, I think you need to build on it. Her feelings for Joey don’t really come across very well in the first half of the story and therefore her action of reprogramming her own mind to be with him feels excessive. There needs to be some sign of romance. And, no, inviting a man to bed with a wink does not count as romance. Romance is where they show their feelings not just their lust.

I think the plot has potential but it needs more depth, the characters need be made stronger and you should give up any idea of this being gothic sci-fi because the plot is not of that genre and it would take a radical change to make it one. However, I do think this is worth investing the time to improve.

As a start, I suggest writing character profiles. Age, likes/ dislikes, family, significant past experiences, upbringing, fears, hopes even down to favourite colours the more you write the stronger your character will become. Then I think you need to decide if the witch references are really necessary. I would say not. An advanced race is all you need to develop the technology to view TV from alternate dimensions.

Anyway, well done so far and keep it up.


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27
27
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review has been done on behalf of the WDC Angel Army.


This is a solid little sci-fi piece. I think you characters are fairly well written. However, I think you need to look at your dialogue. You use a lot of dialogue tags where they’re not necessary. If you have a conversation between only two people then generally you will need hardly any dialogue tags, especially if you use descriptions of the character’s actions while speaking instead of the tag. Which I see that you have done in a few places, I just feel you could do with doing it a little more.

I think you do a good job of making Trym annoying, he certainly comes across as an idiot who let’s his mouth run away with him. I’m not quite sure that makes Kora’s destruction of the alien ship justified, however.

I don’t think this piece is really a comedy piece. I don’t think it has enough humour for that. It’s light hearted certainly but light hearted and humorous are not the same thing.

There’s a lot of mistakes in the piece, some of which I will point out below:

Trym had decided to take them off course, and navigate manually ’like old times.’

You don’t need the comma in this sentence.

She hated Trym, and hated being his partner.

The same here you don’t need the comma before “and”.

Border watching was annoying enough without having an annoying red haired companion.

You use annoying twice. I would swap one for another word with a similar meaning.

She was higher in rank then Trym and his superior.

As there are only the two of them on board and that due to context it is already obvious the comment refers to Trym, I think you don’t need to mention him specifically as the subject:

She was higher in rank and his superior.

“Bring it on.” Commanded Trym.

“TRYM, let me give the commands.” Kora was furious, he had no right commanding Sparrow.

I don’t think “bring it on” is really a command. It’s more a challenge or a display of confidence. Also why is Trym all in capitals? If you want to get across that Kora shouted that particular word then it is best to use italics. Capital letters are not used to denote shouting in prose just on forums and other text communication like instant messaging.

“Then you will die like plant place holdings!” Translated Sparrow. The alien sounded really angry.

I’m guessing the above is supposed to be a strange translation that doesn’t mean much and just sound ridiculous. I think you need to highlight this by showing maybe confusion or mirth at the comment from Trym and Kora. If it’s supposed to be funny then I just don’t think it works as a joke at the moment.

You clearly have skill but I think your work does need a little polish and I think if you are going to call a piece comedy then it has to have more than just one joke in it, especially seeing that as for me that joke fell flat. I think this situation can be made comedic but I think, at the moment, that the disagreement between the two characters makes this piece more light hearted sci-fi drama rather than comedy. However, I enjoyed reading the piece.

Good work and keep it up.



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28
28
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group


I agree this story is much better. The characters are more character like in this. The mood and tone is also much more stable and in keeping with the fantasy plot and setting. I think the issue with your other story is that far from over worked, it is over controlled. You as the author force the story with an iron grip to move in the direction you want it to, irrelevant to the way the characters would have it move. The result is that the characters resemble lifeless doll being dragged along with the plot or forced to act in a way that should not be natural, just so the plot can advance. This particular story has a more natural feel and flow. The characters come through stronger because they are free to act as they should and not how the writer wants.

There are, however, still a lot of mistakes in this piece:

Her backpack was even heavier with books than it was when she arrived.

Adjusting her heavy backpack, full of books and supplies (but mostly books)

You mention her heavy backpack and that it is filled with books twice in two paragraphs. You need to take one out.

There wasn't much in the clearing but the family always enjoyed stopping here…

You don’t need to use italics to show this is written in the viewpoint of another characters. The scene break is more than enough. Italics for large amounts of text can make it hard to read.

“So Mom continued to tickle and Vala continued to laugh.”

To just have Mom would be fine if the piece was in first person but it isn’t. Therefore you need to say, her mom or Vela’s mom and not just Mom.

This is just a small selection but I did like this piece much more. Your description is rich and detailed and you paint a very vivid and believable world, which I think is lacking in your other piece. Anyway, good job with this one. Keep it up.





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29
29
Review of Keeper of Secrets  
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group


First I really like your story idea. Animals are well known to be good therapy and I think you have a very sweet and touching tale here. While it is a very good piece, as is, I do think it can be made stronger.

The main thing that I found uncomfortably is the idea that the girl refuses to speak to communicate and yet quite enthusiastically writes to communicate instead. Now, I think this would be perfectly understandable if she can’t speak due to a medical reason, surgery or damage to her vocal cords but it is mentioned that she was abused which indicates that she doesn’t speak due to psychological issues. In cases where emotional trauma leads to an individual not speaking it is usually because of severely low self esteem or fear of saying the wrong thing, or because she is withholding something, which I feel would also prevent her from communicating through writing. The only reason I can think that she would be happy to communicate through writing and not speech, would be if she was beaten every time she spoke which would leave her with a bad association with speaking but not writing but if that is the case, I think you would need to explain that.

I, personally, would suggest you make it so that she doesn’t communicate at all. It will require more skill to write it, as you will have to show her thoughts and feelings through her actions and perhaps the odd nod or shake of the head, but I feel it would make the piece all the more poignant. For example, when asked what she likes for breakfast instead of writing eggs, as they are near chickens anyway, she could just point at an egg. I also feel that if she shuns almost all communication that there is more scope for improvement in her condition as the piece goes on. As it is at the moment, I could not see a great deal of change in Tasha from the start to the end. She seems upbeat and chirpy enough from the moment she arrives and she doesn’t seem to lack confidence. The only thing that is unusual about her is her not speaking, which I think would match a child more who can’t talk for physical reasons rather than mental.

I would start with her only nodding and shaking her head and as the piece progresses move onto pictures, maybe, and some gradual increase in confidence and assertiveness. Then I think her whispering and mouthing words at the end would have more impact.

Anyway, on to a few technical issues:

“Sandra had arranged with the state to take in troubled youth”

Should be youths. Clearly a typo.

““Why doesn’t she speak?” the old woman asked. “I heard she was abused.”

“Yes Charlotte,” Sandra answered, with a thick southern drawl. “I believe you’re right.”

“Well, when’d she quit talking?”

“Charlotte, why must you know everything about everybody?” Sandra asked.

“I’m just a nosey old mule is all,” Charlotte said.”

I would not use names within the dialogue unless a character is trying to attract the attention of another. Once we are already engaged in conversation with someone it is very rare we insert the persons name every time we speak, even if we are in a large group. Who we’re talking to is usually communicated by line of sight.

Anyway, overall, I enjoyed this piece. I think you have made fantastic use of the prompt and your piece is decently polished. I think it’s not currently as emotionally powerful as it could be for the reason’s stated above, and I think if you can just develop Tasha’s emotional trauma a little more and really make the reader feel sorry for her and then show a more pronounced improvement then I think you have a truly fantastic piece.

Anyway, good job so far and keep it up. And again congrats on yellow.





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30
30
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The piece has a touching end but all the mistakes in it made it very hard to read, along with the fact that it is tabbed and not line spaced which is not easy to read in a web based format.

It’s doesn’t really have much that sets the piece apart from your average knight vs dragon tale either. I would like to have seen the usual format shaken, at least a little, with some unique angle. While we know the knight is after the dragon to avenge his son, it would have been nice to have little more setting to the vengeance. Perhaps some memories of his son while alive contrasted with the sight of him dead, just so we could share in the knight’s determination and resolve to kill the dragon. It just felt a little empty to me.

As mentioned there are a lot of mistakes. I have listed some of the below:

As he neared towards the slumbering monster however, his own heart began to race.

Neared and towards have the same meaning you don’t need them both. “He neared the slumbering monster” will suffice. Also you should remove “however” you use it far too much and it just gets in the way.

He had been blinded by anger before but, now he realized that he was about to single handedly fight a dragon.

Too many “he”s in this sentence. You can remove one “he” and the “that” to make it flow better, as below:

He had been blinded by anger before but, now realized he was about to single handedly fight a dragon.

He found his courage though, pushed these fears away and continued down the path of blue lights.

Though gets in the way and ruins the flow of the sentence. Better to remove it.

The walls in the large room were also covered in the odd glowing moss

Do you mean “the odd glowing moss” as in sparsely distributed or did you mean oddly glowing as in strange?

It was completely covered in black scales, and as such hard to see.

Should be: and as such was hard to see.

Before it could react however, Erdrick’s sword ripped through the monster’s flesh and landed tightly inside it.

I don’t think landed is the right word. Again, remove the “however”.

The dragon jerked awake, and kicked Erdrick away.

You don’t need the comma in this sentence.

Erdrick’s shield was useless now however, and he threw it to the side as he rushed to the left.

All you mentioned was the symbol being eaten away which could just be referring to the paint burning off. If the actual metal of the shield is compromised it is better to mention that. Also remove the “now” and the “however”.

As he grabbed for though, the black dragon leaned up and brought its front legs down onto the knight.

One you are missing the word “it” before “though” and two, you should remove “though” as it ruins the pacing and flow in an action scene.

They both stared at each other as the blue moss held it light, not turning to dark any longer.

Should be “held its light”.

With more polish this would be decent tale of the traditional knight vs dragon variety, however, I would really have like a little more to it. More originality and more understanding of the reason behind the knights need for vengeance. I want to really be able to feel his anguish and I just don’t. But it is reasonably solid and your description is detailed, of the battle scene and of the characters. A good start. Keep it up.

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31
31
Review of Slave Labor  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a decent story of a slave beating a prince but I found it hard to read with the formatting. You don’t need line spacing and tabbing. It should be line spaces for electronic and tabbing for printed (book form) to combine both makes it harder to read.

You didn’t mention the word count anywhere or the prompt but I’ll let you off that. I can see it is easily under the 3k word count. I think the main issue with this piece is that it doesn’t reach a conclusion. A short story should be entirely self contained and not left hanging like the chapter of a novel. If you intend to write a series of short stories then fine but if it is for a competition then it should be a single self contained story with a beginning a middle and an end as it is difficult to judge an incomplete piece.

The piece is nicely polished I found a few small mistakes but nothing major:

El grunted, trying to shake off his thoughts, and faltered for only a moment in his rhythmic work.

You don’t need the second comma in this sentence.

El tired, even his youth not granting him reprieve from the intense grind.

Incorrect grammar. You either need “with” in place of the comma or you need to change it to “even his youth did not grant him”

This is a good piece but I really feel it needs to come to a full conclusion rather than just end in the middle of the action. I think it is a shame it doesn’t reach a full ending even if it turns out not to be a happy one.

Good work so far though.


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32
32
Review of Progression  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This piece, I feel, as it is would work better as the first chapter of a longer piece, over a short story. I just think it is a little too expansive and leaves too many questions unanswered. For example, does he choose to live in this other world and where did his ability to read minds come from and why did he not have it before he was injured? I also think there is more to explore in the relationship between Josh and Kali. A short story should be completely self contained and should answer all question raised, particularly, if you are submitting for a competition. I don’t feel that as a short story this comes to a full conclusion.

Technically the piece is quite well polished. I couldn’t find any mistakes worth mentioning. I do have some suggestions, however:

Joshua opened his eyes. “There,” a nurse said as she held an intravenous needle in place and began taping it to his arm.

I’m pretty sure she would more likely be taking it out and not putting it in, seeing as these are only used for when people are unconscious for long periods of time or if they are in danger of losing fluids, blood loss, or sometimes to administer antibiotics which he doesn’t need for a head injury.

“You were in an accident. Don’t try to talk. They had to put a breathing tube in. Now that you’re awake, I’m sure the doctor will be in shortly to explain it all. For now, just rest.”

Might want to mention the discomfort of this felt by the main character before it is mentioned in speech. Pretty sure it would be the first thing he would notice and would make him gag. It would be a natural reflex to having something stuck in your throat.

As the nurse left, he tried to turn his head but found that he was wearing a neck collar.

Neck collars are only put on temporarily until the neck is checked. If they have moved on to scanning his brain activity it would already have been discovered that his neck is fine and it would have been removed.

Hank was Katherine’s latest boyfriend and Josh didn’t like him at all.

The story is written from Josh’s point of view, therefore his mother should be referred to as “Mom” to call her Katherine makes the reader think this is a character other than his mother. You can have Hank call her Katherine in dialogue if you want to reveal her name.

I think it is a nice story. The evil step father who beats the mother getting his comeuppance, and I think it is done in an interesting way. I do think it needs expanding in the areas mentioned before. You might also want to mention how long Josh was unconscious for as it might affect the treatment received. I think you need more dialogue between his mother and Hank before he snaps and beats her. Perhaps on realising he’d beaten her son, she might threaten to inform the police. I just think it needs a little more to justify his sudden action. Other than that, I think this is a promising story.

Good job so far.


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33
33
Review of Troublemakers  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
With this story, I confess I find it all a little unbelievable. Something feels false about it. It just feels, to me, a little too like a pantomime. The characters don’t feel real. They feel a little too exaggerated and cliché really. True you have the evil witch inverted but I don’t feel that’s enough.

I like the opening you had me at that, with the dog and the children chasing it. It was nicely described and set out. I think you could use less references to the children as hunters ect. I think once is enough to get the notion across after the third or forth reference it just gets a little tired.

I, actually, agree with the review saying the story is too long but not in the same way. Not as in, the word count is more than a short story should be but because there is a lot of unnecessary fluff in it slowing the story down. I think my attention was lost from the point where the second sister arrived. There is too much dialogue with a similar meaning. You need to go back over it and try to cut down the argument and power struggle between them into a shorter exchange. I believe everything you are trying to convey could fit into an exchange half the length. This would increase the pacing and the impact which I feel at the moment is weak.

The pacing picked up briefly at the orphanage but I would like a little more of a scuffle between the two sisters. I think the clergyman could play a bigger role, perhaps witnessing the battle for a time before taking the children and running. Maybe he could even try to stop the battle for the sake of the children. They would be crying and upset at the sight of it.

Also I wonder as to the claim of Mags over the children, seeing as Ezzy was not set to keep them, anyway. Surely, if neither was set to have them then half would be nothing.

Overall, I just didn’t feel any emotional connection to this piece. With the subject matter of abused children it should be a tear jerker. I think we could do with knowing more about the children’s abusive past. Perhaps, even witnessing a scene via Ezzy’s sight. There needs to be more dread of the situation they are being kept from rather than just indistinct hints. Perhaps we could be shown one possible ending for one of the boys, to really tug at the reader’s emotions.

I do not dislike this piece. I think with some work it could be a powerful and emotional piece, but it does need a lot of work to manage that. At the moment it is too long. It needs to be tightened and made more cohesive. However, I agree that the review you received for it was pointless and extremely unhelpful and I doubt the reviewer meant what they said in this way. I hope you find this one much more helpful. If you want further help then feel free to drop me an email. I will be happy to give you more advise on how to rework it.

Anyway, good job so far and keep working on it. With a good polish and some shaping, it will be a wonderful piece. Keep it up.


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34
34
Review of The Last Stand  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review has been done on behalf of the WDC Angel Army. Welcome to Writing.com.


Hiya. Just sending you a quick review. First this is an interesting and engaging piece. The plot is well set out and perfect for a piece of flash fiction of its length. It is well structured with a start, a middle and a end which while a basic consideration, is quite often not observed when people do flash fiction. So very well done for the above.

I think it is over written in places. You can delete a fair chunk without losing much in the way of meaning, and I think in some places that you try a little too hard to make it deep and meaningful which results in some sections which lose their meaning and detract from the power of the main plot. For example, your opening:

“Shedding one tear could never be enough.

Not to reflect her sorrow, not to shatter destiny, and not to save the pieces of her scattered hope.”

Okay, yes it sounds very dramatic but when you, actually, look at the meaning it doesn’t make sense once you reach the second sentence.

“Shedding one tear could never be enough. Not to reflect her sorrow.”

This first part is great. It is deep, emotional and it fits into the scene beyond. However, the section afterwards:

“not to shatter destiny, and not to save the pieces of her scattered hope.”

Do not make sense according to the original reference of the shedding tear. I think the mean has become lost from that point. I would suggest either deleting the last part or rewording it to:

“Or mourn her shattered destiny.”

The jump from sorrow to shattering destiny is just too wide and needs more context than is given, seeing as the scene has not yet been set. I would keep it purely emotional. Sorrow is fine and hope is fine as the both relate to emotion behind a tear but shattering destiny is a complete topic change unless you can tie it into emotions.

“Eyes as red as the blush that stained her cheeks”

People generally blush pink not red. If her skin is full red then, I would think she has a medical condition.

“Her countenance painted a picture of unmatched valor – undying courage, unbridled fury, unhinged sanity.”

To me “unbridled fury” and “unhinged sanity” reflects the opposite picture to the one you are trying to paint. You are trying to say that she faces death bravely and with courage, and yet to say that she is insane with fury does not paint the control that would entail. “Bridled fury” and “hinged sanity” would fit the meaning better.

You conjure very good imagery, though. The descriptions are detailed and vivid. I think this would be a fantastic piece, if you went through it and deleted any references that muddy the meaning. I think in a few places, particularly the ones I pointed out above, that you let poetry and artistry over ride meaning. Yes, it sounds big and pretty but stories are about meaning as well as pretty word usage. Just bear that in mind. Other than that it is, a very good piece. Keep it up.



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35
35
Review of Voices  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review has been done on behalf of the WDC Angel Army. Welcome to Writing.com.


I saw you were looking for reviews for this piece, so I thought I might give you one. Very strong visuals and atmosphere on this piece. You are clearly a writer with good potential. However, flash fiction is very difficult to write and not really very beginner friendly. The emphasis on flash fiction is tight, active writing. On the whole you piece is quite active and the pacing keep up well. However, it is extremely wordy for flash fiction. There is a lot of redundancy and sections that I would consider not directly relevant to the plot. When writing flash fiction you need to scrutinise every word and sentence you use and if it doesn’t advance the plot then it is best to remove it.

Below are some examples of how you can tighten it:

"The ancient building sat upon the hill, it's menacing features sending chills down the boy's back. It was either that, or the snow that fell from the darkening sky. He decided it must have been both."

I think the two sentence struck out weaken the impact of the first sentence which I think is a fantasic opening line. Seeing as the rest of the story is set inside and the snow in no way adds to the plot, I think you can get away with just deleting those two lines entirely.

"Now all it had was a deadbolt that seemed to have had already been broken by past intruders."

Always watch out for using seemed as it weakens the rest of the sentance. It is better to keep things definate and sharp.

"His jaw clenched as he stopped in his tracks."

You can make this tighter and more active by just re jigging the sentance slightly:

He stopped in his tracks, jaw clenching.

The boy swallowed down his fear and kept walking.

Again above, this can be tightened:

He swallowed his fear and kept walking.

By now, his eyes had become accustomed to the quality of thelow light. Not that there was any quality.

Again, the above is very wordy you can get across the concept with far fewer words.

"The boy curled into a ball and his teeth grinding together."

Again, I would tighten this up:

He curled into a ball, teeth grinding.

The above is just a few examples which I hope will show you the way to tighten the rest of the piece.

Flash fiction is very challenging to write, but I encourage you to keep at it because it is also a very good way to improve your skills as a writer. You'll soon come to realise just how few words are really required to paint a scene and lay out an action. Just remember the main rule for flash fiction - To use the fewest number of words possible while keeping it coherent and grammar friendly.

As part of a novel, the above would be much more acceptable but even then the current fasion is to keep the style tight.

A very good piece for your age, though. I am impressed. Keep this up and who knows, you might be published before you hit 16. I wish you all the best.


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36
36
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group


Hiya! Here is your requested review. Sorry it’s taken a few days. I was on holiday last week but I hope it is worth the wait.

I have to say that for such a short piece, it has a lot of issues both technical and structural. The most important issue is the very slow and, as far as I can see, irrelevant start. The first two paragraphs seem unrelated, in the grand scheme of things, to the plot and only serves as an enforced tour and history lesson for the reader of Paris. Now it’s great that you either have been to Paris or done your research but forcing all this information on the reader, unless it has an actual bearing on the plot, is not advisable. You could, possibly, get away with it if those two paragraphs didn’t start the novel, but, as it is, if a reader were to pick up your book and flick to the first page in a book shop, it would be back on the shelf before they hit the plot line. That first paragraph is extremely important and needs to act as a hook, and few readers will be hooked by an enforced tour of Paris which they could read about in a guide book, should they be interested. You need to look hard at it and either cut it down substantially, or remove it all together and just start at the point the van stops and is set on fire. Just because you have the information does not mean you should include it.

The truck moved methodically with its load meandering through the bends of the Quai du Marche Neufup and turned right into the Place du Parvis, the center of ancient Paris.

You need a comma between “load” and “Meandering” otherwise it is the load which is doing the meandering and not the truck. Also you use the word van at one point and truck in another. As far as I know the two terms mean slightly differing things and are not interchangeable. A van is completely enclosed where as trucks have open backs. Might want to decided which your vehicle is. It sounds to me like you mean a van with a trailer, in which case you should stick with that throughout.

This was the square directly in front of Notre Dame Cathedral’s west facade, of which construction began in 1200 by Bishop Eudes de Sully and was eventually finished shortly after 1240.

Is it really important for the reader to know that the Notre Dame Cathedral’s West Façade construction began in 1200 and finished in 1240? Does it add anything to your novel? If not then cut it out. If the reader is interested then I’m sure the have access to Google. Don’t clutter your writing or your plot will become lost in your history lesson.

Right before the Portal of Saint Anne, the oldest of the three west entrances, it cut left while going 15 kilometers per hour across the cobblestone plaza.

Again, is it in anyway important to know the van was travelling at 15 Kilometers per hour?

Dwarfed by the imposing structure, built as the Parisian church of the kings of Europe, the van passed the third portal that of the Virgin Mary as the driver pulled a lever on Point Zero, the precise center of Paris, and the trailer uncoupled with the drop leg at the front making a soft thump as the van continued on.

This is a very long sentence. You would do better to split it down into separate sentances as below:

Dwarfed by the imposing structure, built as the Parisian church of the kings of Europe, the van passed the third portal that of the Virgin Mary. The driver pulled a lever on Point Zero, the precise center of Paris. The trailer uncoupled with the drop leg at the front making a soft thump as the van continued on.

The trailer sat there in front of the mighty limestone house of God. The Virgin and Child looked down upon the trailer as they stand in front of the large rose created in 1225 at the center of the facade.

Tense confusion here. You have “the trailer sat” and then “the Virgin and Child looked down” and then that they “stand” to make sense “stand” should be “stood”.

She took off her coat and starting beating the flames while yelling, “Au secours, au secours, au secours!”

Again here, tense confusion. “She took off” and then “Starting beating” It should be “started beating.”

The kings of France, including Philip IV, looked down on this spectacle as the calm night air was now filled with smoke and the unmistakable smell of gas.

You don’t need the “was now” it adds nothing to sentence and impedes the flow. I would delete the words all together into “the calm night air filled with smoke” or you could substitute them for “had”. “The calm night air had filled with smoke.”

Anyway, over all, I feel your opening is slow and suffers severely with info dumping. I, personally, would delete the first two paragraphs up until the point where the trailer is released. If you don’t want to do that then at least look at my suggestion above for things you can cut back on. Be aware there are more that I haven’t pointed out so you will need to look at each line and ask yourself if it is in anyway important to the plot.

I can’t really comment on character development as we don’t really meet any, which probably isn’t a good start for a novel. I would suggest properly introducing at least one main character so the reader has someone to connect with.

The plot, however, once it gets going is intriguing and brings ups some questions, who were the people burned and why were they burned etc. This is a good start to the plot.

Anyway, I hope this review helps you. Good job so far and keep it up.





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37
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi and welcome to the CSFS. This review is a little welcome gift from me. I hope you find it useful.

I think this is a good start to a novel. The mood is tranquil and suits the setting of the monastery. The main character comes across well. You can sense that he yearns for a slightly faster pace of life and his restlessness. The writing style is quite passive but I think the suits the slower pace of live in the monastery, so I don’t have a problem with it. I will be nice to see if the pace picks up and style becomes more active when you reach some action, but for now I think the current style works well.

You do have quite a problem with redundant words and passages and I do think this needs to be looked at as your chapter at the moment is quite wordy. I think flow can be improved by making it more concise. There are also a number of technical errors. Below are some areas I have highlighted for correction/ improvement:

“As the winds ran their course from the mountains in the East that have no real name, they pass over the Salt Lake, taking in the scent of the sea that was so far off.”

Nice visuals but a bit cumbersome as an opening sentence. I think you can keep all the information intact but word it in a more concise way which will sharpen up you opening. Here is my suggestion:

“The winds ran their course from the East mountains, with no real name, to pass over the Salt Lake, drawing with them the scent of the far off sea.”

“He has a massive man, with a snow white beard that fell to the middle of his chest.”

Simple typo, think you mean “was” not “has”.

“but despite his injuries that were still obvious after all these years he still walked with a swagger that normally belonged only to an Elite.”

You have still twice only a few words apart, also I think you could write this sentence with fewer words.

“Pricion, the Seer requests your presence in the cloister,” the man said, stepping aside and pointing down the way with a finger that no longer stood straight out. “Do not take long. You know the Seer does not like to wait on you, Neophyte.”

This should be a new paragraph not tagged on to the previous one.

“I quickly knew who it would probably be.”

The word “quickly” is redundant and not required. The sentence would be better without it as it only works to impede the flow.

Anyway, as I mentioned I liked this piece. It needs a good edit and a bit of a rewording here and there but the characters are good and the establishing plot is intriguing. Good job so far and keep up the good work.


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38
38
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group


I thought I would send you another review as I really like your work. I enjoyed this piece. I think the character of blue is well written and shown; her lack of emotion, ruthlessness and yet also her delicate beauty. I think she is a very intriguing character. I think the bit where you have her beaten at the end was very fitting as it gave a certain sense of vulnerability to her character which, despite the things she’s done, evokes sympathy. I think she needed that considering the rather horrific acts she’d committed but I came away from the piece liking her and hating her Lord, instead. Which I’m sure was your intention.

I think the mood and tone fitted the period and storyline well. The tone was formal which is perfect for ancient Japan. I think your description is fantastic. You go into great level detail, enough to paint a very vivid picture of the scenes and characters and yet not so much that it slows the pace or overloads the reader. It is hard to find that perfect balance and I think you had it spot on here.

As for technicalities I did find quite a few mistakes. Mostly minor, probably typos. Here are some of them below:

“Silently she picked up the weapon, and removed the blade from its oiled sheath”

You don’t need the comma before and as it is part of a list.


“It always chilled him - those large violet eyes, devoid of any human emotion. They were empty, lacking any indication of the horror that she had committed just days ago. “Lord? I do not understand?” she asked him questioningly, eyebrows furrowed.”

You need a new line where Blue speaks as what is before is written from the point of view of Lord Shingen. When you swap between characters you need to start a new paragraph even if it is not strictly speech.

“Wearing the armor of samurai, her face grimy as if on the battlefield, Blue had knelt on one knee, her head bowed low while presenting him with the bundori.”

Did you mean “armor of a samurai” or “the samurai” I don’t think it works grammar wise as just samurai.

“It was freshly washed and mounted head of Akeno Kikuchi, the Sun Samurai and the last resistance to the Onnotangu clan.”

What was freshly washed? The armour? And should that be “the mounted head”? This sentence, to me, did not make much sense.

Anyway, as I said before I really enjoyed this piece. The content is fantastic and you are clearly a skilled writer. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep it up.




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39
Review of A Moment In Time  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


This is a review as part of your showerer on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group.


This is a pretty and evocative poem. It flows well, on the whole. The only line I had a problem with is:

“last drop bleeding from limb pale.”

For me, the order of “limb pale” caused a stumble in the flow. Of course, I know why you put them in that order, to maintain the rhyme, but it does feel a little forced in comparison to the easy flow throughout the rest of the piece.

Other than that, the rhyme scheme works perfectly and the mood and tone of the poem is strong. A very good piece and I enjoyed reading it very much. Keep it up.



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40
Review of Windy days.  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


This is a review on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group.


I really like this story. It has character and almost a soothing quality to it. You do really well in writing the old man’s mannerisms and I like the fact that the main character doesn’t actually speak. The full focus of the story is on the old man and I think that works. Your dialogue is also well done. It feels natural and has character.

The only problem I think this piece has it that it is wordy. It is full of repetitions and unnecessary words. Here are a few examples:

“He was old, not just physically but his heart and soul had aged.”

You don’t need old and aged in the same sentence, when written properly the word old can be applied to both. The more concise a sentence is the better it flows.

“He was old, not just physically but also in his heart and soul.”

“The day I met him it was a particularly windy day, so much so that no matter what direction you walked in the wind was always pushing against you.”

A few things wrong with this bit. You need a comma after “the day I met him.” Also, in the end bit you don’t need the word pushing. That the wind pushes against you is implied:

"The day I met him, it was a particularly windy day, so much so that no matter what direction you walked, the wind was always against you."

"Age spots covered his scalp and neck, his bottom lip quivering in fits, involuntarily."

The problem I have with the bit above is that if the man’s lips quivered that badly you would expect it to affect his voice and yet his dialogue comes across as strong and firm.

"I lit up and inhaled deeply the warm smoke complimented the cold wind nicely."

You need a full stop after deeply.

"I lit up and inhaled deeply. The warm smoke complimented the cold wind nicely."

Same below, you need a full stop after lighter as “This isn’t going to light itself” is a separate sentence.

“I need a lighter, this isn’t going to light itself.” He said.

Overall, though, I really enjoyed this piece. I think it is a good bit of character work. It just needs a good edit. Good job and keep it up.



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Review of Facing The Crowd  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I’m sending you this review as a welcome to the CSFS. Overall, I think this is a good story with an interesting twist at the end. There are a few things I had a problem with:

I wonder at the likelihood of a family all but disowning their daughter because of some high school rumour. Especially seeing as their daughter was not the social type. If the reader can see the action would be extremely out of character then I would think the parents would see through it. It could be understandable, if they understood the rumours were not true but resented her for the rumours being created as it would spread shame to the whole family but to believe it, I feel, is a little far fetched. Especially when they have their other daughter living with them, who is unmarried with three children. One would assume, favourite or not, their disapproval would turn in that direction.

The other issue I have is that this high school stud would target her in the first place. It would win him few popularity points to have his way with an unpopular girl, perhaps even damage his rep. If he could have any girl in the school, why not choose miss popularity instead? And win himself some big points. This is just my personal opinion, though.

Here are some other little comments I have:

“but as they all got older, they all got meaner.”

I don’t think you need “all” in there twice. I think, just “they got meaner” will suffice.

“I'd always prayed that somehow karma would come back around and smack him right in his smug little, pretty-boy face.”

I would use either “around” or “back” and not both. As both words have the same meaning.

Overall, though. I found the piece nicely polished and edited. Good job and keep it up!

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42
Review of Belonging  
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group


The story is intriguing. The emotion and dialogue feels a little wooden and stinted at times. I think, the dialogue is too formal and structured and not natural, even when she is talking to her lover. Also, it is hard to sense any personality from the characters and I think this, too, is partly a symptom of the overly structured speech. There seems no room for personal expression.

The actions of all the people described also seem a little too generic. I think while you give a little too much detail in the environment, as I will explain later, that you could do with more on the characters, their emotions and their personal habits.

I found I struggled in this piece to feel a connection with the characters. They didn’t feel real to me and so it was difficult to feel involved in their plight. I think if you can expand on the characters then you have a interesting plot.

As for technicalities, over all, I find your piece very wordy. I find you use more words than needed to convey simple points and devote words to description that, I feel, is not important in the grand scheme of things. Here are my suggestions below:

“Noises filtered through the cotton wool of her mind”

I find the above a little wordy. Too much detail where it isn’t necessary just tends to reduce the impact of a statement. As this is your opening sentence I would keep it tighter:

“Noises filtered through her woolly mind.”

Again, below, I think there is detail where there needn’t be:

“the clink of cooking pots placed over the fire,”

As the main character is lying down in a tent how would she know the placement of the cooking pots? And is it really important for the reader to know where they are? That she hears them clink, I would think, is enough.

Again, same issue below. How would she know exactly where the wood is placed and is it important?

“the deposit of firewood on a pile near but not too close to the flames,”

“She rolled on to her back, grimacing as bruised limbs protested against the movement”

I think “...against the movement” is redundant. That she grimaces when she rolls shows she is in pain and is obviously linked to her movement. I don’t think you need reiterate that.

“Lying on her back, she felt as though every inch of her was part of one major bruise”

I think the “part of” is redundant and disrupts the flow of the sentence.

“Despite the pain she managed a faint smile to tease at the corners of her swollen lips.”

I think the word managed does not fit the sentence when tease is used afterwards. I would use allowed:

“Despite the pain she allowed a faint smile to tease the corners of her swollen lips.”

“She must have been more injured than what she had believed when she had awoken.”

Again so many words and, I think, “more injured” is bad grammar. I would go for:

"Her injuries must have been worse than she had believed."

Overall, I think you have an interesting piece, but it does need a lot of polishing. There are numerous places where the writing can be tightened and the dialogue and character description could do with some tweaking. I think this is a good base to work on, though. The plot is solid and the environment and situation well thought out. Keep up the good work.





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43
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is given on behalf of the WDC Angel Army


I really enjoyed this piece. It was very similar to the real Japanese folklore stories. The mood and tone of the piece matched almost perfectly. I have to confess, when I was writing mine I did modernise the style slightly as I realised that modern readers would probably have trouble stomaching it in the distanced, passive tone the real pieces are written in. I admire your dedication to keep exactly to the style. As such, though, you will get quite a few reviews from people who don’t understand the style of Japanese folklore, who will mark you down for it, quoting show don’t tell and active over passive. I don’t think you need to worry about this. You’ve written it to match the style. I would possibly put a paragraph at the beginning explaining that you are matching a specific style to alert people.

As for the story I think the plot was very similar to those in Japanese folklore. Forbidden love is a common theme. I don’t think the ending matches the traditional folklore. All the stories I’ve read have involved the couples taking their own lives to be together, a depressing ending, I know, but I just think that as you have gone to so much trouble to match the style in every other aspect you may as well go for the full Romeo and Juliet ending which these types of stories usually have. It didn’t do Romeo and Juliet any harm having a sad ending.

I found a few small mistakes which I have listed below but over all your work seemed well polished and edited, so well done on that.

“It is said that on the day of Lady Suzume was born”

The above should be:

“It is said that on the day Lady Suzume was born”

Or

“It is said that on the day of Lady Suzume birth.”

Kurou was a poor farmer who barely had enough money to cloth himself,

Cloth should be clothe. Cloth is a type of material.

Overall, this is a nice piece, very authentic. For the tastes of a lot of WDC reviewers it may be too authentic but that’s just the difference between modern and classical writing styles. Very well done with it. I enjoyed it. Keep it up.



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44
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Welcome to the CSFS. I thought I would send you a review.

First, I found this piece quite enjoyable. Gabriel’s wider view of the world and wisdom came across well and I think the main characters anger at it was well communicated. I think you dropped in the back story rather well, it didn’t feel too heavy and gave definition and meaning to the character’s traits and attitude. The visuals were fairly well done. There are a few sentences that I feel stumbles slightly. You could do with looking through the piece for awkward sentences that need rearranging. On the whole, though, I found it fairly polished. Here are a few issues I picked up below:

“What Sascha Armenaud lacked in stature, she more than made up for in charm.”

The above statement has been used so many times and in so many works that I would say it has become a cliché. I would suggest saying it a different way or not opening the story with it.

“She stopped every so often to exchange pleasantries with some of the city's homeless element, trading pleasant and genuinely interested conversation for tidbits of information.”

You have pleasantries followed by pleasant in the same sentence. You could to with swapping one for a different word or, I would suggest, just deleting the second completely, as you have already told us she is being pleasant once:

“She stopped every so often to exchange pleasantries with some of the city's homeless element, trading genuinely interested conversation for tidbits of information.”


“That list bit slipped out with some true vitriol, and Gabriel's expression turned grave.”

Typo in the sentence above. Should be “last”.

Not today.” His voice was pleasant, alto, full of kindness.

The above sentence does not make sense. Guessing this is a typo was it meant to be also? In which case you should add an “and” and take out the commas. Although, I would just go for and:

“Not today.” His voice was pleasant and full of kindness.

Anyway, I enjoyed this piece. I found it interesting and well paced. Well done. Keep it up!


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45
45
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group


Thought I’d give you a review as you wanted feedback. I have to say for such a short piece there are a lot of mistakes and you use a lot of unnecessary words. You particularly need to run a find on the word “that” as you use it a lot where it could be omitted.

Anyway, here are a few pointers on improvement:

"My head spun, my arms and legs tingled, and the swirling colours before me began making me dizzy."

You don’t need the comma before “and”. Also you can remove the “began” before “making me dizzy” as it only works to weaken the statement.

whimpering involuntarily as every part of my body seemed to freeze from the inside.

I would remove the “as” in the above sentence. It makes it flow better. Also I would be tempted to remove “from the” as I don’t think it adds much to the sentence.

Whimpering involuntarily, every part of my body seemed to freeze, inside.

"I hoped that was what it was, though something at the back of my mind told me that it wasn't."

A lot of thats. This is an example where one of them can be cut without losing meaning. You can remove the second one.


"The butterflies in my stomach became so bad I was certain that I would vomit any second now."

Again, the that in the sentence above is not needed.

"just as I thought I was going to go insane,"

I would take out the “to go” in here. It just pads the sentence and disrupts the flow it is better to keep things as concise as possible.

You, also, really need to space your writing properly. In the paragraph below the speech of the teacher should be in a separate paragraph:.

My classmates were staring back at me, bewilderment on their faces. Mrs. Stratton was watching me closely, looking panicked. "Lynn?"

!Litlle did we know that the worst was yet to come."

There is a typo in the line above.

As a piece it is hard to judge as it is only a part of a longer work, but I hope my comments help. Good work and keep it up.





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46
46
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group



Hiya! You were wanting reviews so here is mine.

First, I can see you are trying really hard to be dramatic and raise tension but it just didn’t work for me. I think, perhaps, you are trying too hard. The whole things feels a little horror cliché to me. Also, I just don’t feel the main character. He doesn’t feel real to me. More like a manikin puppet. I think it is because you plunged straight into action before properly introducing the character. For a reader to feel tension they have to have developed empathy for the character in danger. I never felt any empathy for the main character or sympathy and so I felt no tension when he was in danger.

You talked about the fact his wife and child had died and you set him up a back story but that back story never really felt part of the main character. You didn’t show his feelings about his wife at the beginning or even at the middle. Right up until seeing his wife and child at the end his emotional state was entirely in the present. Things were happening and he reacted to them but his reactions felt stinted and shallow. They didn’t come from anything deeper. There was no personality there. Nothing to set him apart from a generic human.

Now, on to technicalities:

The tree outside occasionally caressed the brick of the house gently with its sharp nails,

The addition of the word “occasionally” weakens the whole statement and turns something evocative into something indefinite. Also brick needs to be plural. And how many trees have you ever seen not outside? As a rule, if the placement or condition of something matches a general assumption, it doesn’t need to mentioned. Gently, like occasionally also weakens the statement. I would take them both out and have it as follows:

The tree caressed the bricks of the house with its sharp nails,

Notice how much more concise this is now. It flows better and has more impact.


In the two opening paragraphs you use the word cracks at the start of both of them. It sort of sticks out as cracks is not a word usually used often. I would use a different word. Split, fracture, break… the list goes on. There is no need to use the same one twice.

“I know everything about you Mr Sutherland. You are fifty seven years olds. Your eyes are a dark blue colour. You were born in Edinburgh in 1952 and raised by an alcoholic father. He used to beat you for sinning. You married Sally Turner at the age of 24. She died when you were 29. Your child died a year later. You moved to escape the pain and hardship Scotland had gifted you. You arrived on the 23rd October 1999 and have lived here for the last few years.”

It doesn’t matter if the above is in dialogue or narration, it is info dumping. Info dumping slows the pace of the story and at worst can jerk the reader from the story by ruining their suspension of disbelief. Also, it doesn’t sound threatening or add to the tension.

All in all, I like what you are trying to do but I think it needs to be made a lot more concise. There are a lot of unnecessary words in it which slows the pace and saps the impact. I’m pretty sure you could take out a quarter of the words and not lose any meaning, and it would be a far better piece for it. I think you need to build on the character and show his past, through his actions and emotions, rather than tell it. You have some nice descriptions in this piece, particularly at the beginning. I think you need make the most of that and develop a mood around the atmosphere of the ice and snow and the isolated position.

Anyway, it’s a good start. I really want to give it more but with the lack of flow and the frequent mistakes, I can’t justify it. Do feel free to contact me again once you have cleaned it up and I would be happy to review it again and re rate it. Keep up the good work.




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47
Review of Schism  
In affiliation with Anime and Manga Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review on behalf of the Anime and Manga Group


I saw you were needing reviews and I felt like reading a bit of Sci-fi. So here we go.

First, I really enjoyed this piece. The mood and tone is well matched. Your writing is active and fairly concise. Although there are a few issues of redundancy. Your characters are well written and envisaged and I love your description, it is detailed and very atmospheric. The pacing is good throughout and the plot and structure is clear. So in most respects this is a very well written piece.

Unfortunately, there are a host of technical errors pulling this piece down. I’ll list a few below:

“She looked up from the crater’s frozen floor to see three more fire balls tear through the clouds and burned their way down to the forest below.”

Tense confusion above. If you are using tear then you want to use burn.

“Cisco, I want to take some scan of this. Bring a Miru,” she yelled above the wind.

Typo here. It should be “scans”

Multicolored symbols move across its surface as it continually recorded her mind.
Again, tense confusion. You use move and the recorded. It should be moved.

It was a safety net of last resort.

Redundancy. You only need safety net or last resort as they both mean the same thing in the above context.

Alex stared into the object’s unreflecting depts.

Again, typo. It should be depths.

Then he reached out the dark surface.

You are missing the “towards” here. The sentence doesn’t make sense without it.

Only the fact that her hand couldn’t move past the surface was the only indication that there was anything there at all.

Repetition, you use only twice in the same sentence. The first iteration can be removed as it doesn’t add any meaning to the sentence.

Whoever she is, she doesn’t seem to the related to the hollows.

Typo, again. You need “be” instead of the after “to”

He moved a wayward curl away from her green eyes, brushing her face in the process.

Repetition. You have wayward followed by away. Away can be removed as it is a redundant word anyway as from has the same meaning in the context

Alex felt the first cold drops of the nightly rain. “That should dampen the fire a bit, “ Cisco said, as looked skyward.

Two things wrong with this bit. You have description of a character followed by dialogue from another. This needs to be in a separate paragraph. And you need to either removed as and change looked to looking or add and he between as and looked.

Another major problem with the piece is that you are not spacing your paragraphs. Now, possibly you copied it straight from word and didn’t realise that you tabbing doesn’t carry over. You just need to add either the tabbing back in using writingML or just do what most people do and leave a line spacing between each paragraph, as I have done below:

“Here! I’m over here,” she yelled. There was moment on the other side of the rock.

“You can fly,” Alex asked in disbelief.

“I don’t know. I guess so. Apparently.”

Despite all the technical errors, I really like this piece. The creative aspects are done well. The content and detail is there and the plot is working well as such I have given you a higher rating than I normally would a piece with this many mistakes. I feel all this piece needs is a good edit. Very good job so far and keep it up.





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48
Review of Rendering  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


This is a review on behalf of the Showering Acts of Joy group as part of your shower.


First, I really enjoyed reading this piece. The detail is fantastic and so vivid. Your descriptions allow the scenes to come to life, like paintings in the mind which is appropriate considering the subject matter.

A few things I would just like to point out that felt odd, to me:

The paragraph where you switch to the estate agent as he is driving away after selling the property feels a little off to me. I’m not sure if it is the view point change or the sudden chop in timeline as the section where the property is viewed is left out.

I do wonder, though, about the ease of it. You can’t just hand over a cheque and buy a house. Even if no mortgage is required, there is paperwork involved. I believe purchases have to be filed and tax paid and deeds transferred. I know you set this as fantasy in genre but this, for me, is whole different type of fantasy.

“I think he’s sweet on Mrs. Beany, and truth be told, I think she’s sweet on him as well!”

I believe you also need a comma after the “and” as “truth be told” is a non-essential element seeing that it can be skipped without the sentence losing meaning.

I really do like this piece. The ending is fantastic. But, while I can see you wrote this to a short word count, it does feel choppy in places. Time is jumped and without giving any real indication of how much. I mean how long did it take Emily to get the house in order? We see her after it is done but there is no reference to how or when. Of course, she could use magic as this is fantasy but some hint of timing would be nice.

Also, with the scene in the library, Saturday morning could be any Saturday morning. It could be a week after Emily has moved in, a month, a year. It just feels a little unspecific. Perhaps, you meant to do this and leave it with a surreal feel but, I think, it seems out of place after all the visual details early on.

A good piece, though. I enjoyed reading it very much. Keep it up!



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Review of My first kiss  
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a good piece. I can see why it did well in the contest. Well done. It is a sweet little tale. The young air of innocence comes across well in the tone of the piece and the mood is very adolescent. It is clearly a form of coming of age. The first kiss is usually where the boundary is drawn between a child transforming into a full teenager.

For further advancement, here is a little aspect which I feel could be improved:

Your dialogue uses tags. These are not always necessary and the story flows better if you can avoid using them. for example:

"Did it end with a smooch?" she asked.

"Mom!" I said, embarrassed. "Yes."

"You were just a baby," she lamented.

Could instead be written:

"Did it end with a smooch?" She flashed a sly smile.

"Mom!" My face flushed. "Yes."

"You were just a baby." Her gaze distanced in reminiscence.

Instead of just tagging the dialogue, the above also adds extra descriptive detail to the scene as well as indicating the speaker. Of course, that is just an example. I'm sure you can do it much better.

Very well done with the piece. Keep up the good work. I'm sure you will win a lot more contests.
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In affiliation with The Editing Room  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review on behalf of the Editing Room.


Hello, and here is your review.

I have to start by saying I like this story. The pace is good and the plot held my attention well. There are a few bits I think could be improved on.

I feel the first person view point in the opening few pages needs looking at. I understand that you are describing the scene through the main character but the reading of a scene through a character so distanced from it leaves little immediacy to grip the reader. It felt, to me, almost like I was trying to watch a film through the window of another film.

With the opening of a story it is key that you hook the reader and drag them fully into the developing scene. It needs to be actively and dynamically written. First person is usually really good for plunging the reader headlong into the action, but it only works if the main character is at center or near the center of that action, themselves, otherwise you're left with the feeling of viewing a magnificent sunset through a camera lens. I felt, it sapped the power and impact from the opening which Susan's situation promised.

When it comes to point of view, in the context of the full story, I would suggest dropping the single first person point of view and at the very least swapping that view point between characters, or ideally go third person. I suggest this because when it comes to the actual danger the main character is rarely the focus. Susan seems to be the character generally pursued by the angelics. The distanced view of that through Louis dampens what could be a heart pumping pursuit. I think it is a real shame as this story has such dramatic promise, but the first person view point holds it all at a distance.

The tone and mood of the piece I also felt was a little off. It feels to me like it is trying to be a romance, with the relationship between Louis and Sarah becoming so important to the plot, and yet I did not find the feelings they shared very convincing. The way they behaved, other than a few slightly cliched romance lines, seemed, to me, more like a friendship. From my point of view by the climax of the story where Louis allows himself to be taken to protect Susan they had only known each other for a few days. The only love likely to take root that quickly is love at first sight, that full on head over heals type, and that isn't a form of love that is likely to be understated to the extent it is in this piece. I think it needs more romance building, more flirting and more yearning to gain a strong enough sense of romance to induce an emotional reaction in reader when the two characters are separated.

What I did like, however, is the god vs the devil, good vs evil, game. Where neither side ever slipped into open conflict but engaged in a more covert game of trickery and wit. That locked my interest far more than the characters or their direct situation. I liked the image of them as pawns being shifted back and forth by higher powers, clueless as to their direction or destination. I love the sense of powerlessness this invokes. So you have done a really good job with that aspect of the story. If you could add a stronger sense of danger and romance you will have the perfect roller coaster ride and a much more immediate and impacting piece.

So, overall, this is a good piece but with so much buried potential I was left slightly frustrated by the muffle currently stifling it. Once the passiveness of the telling is sorted and the point of view is shifted more dynamically I think this will be a fantastic piece, so keep it up.

If there is anything else you want comments on or if you would like any advice then feel free to email me. And should you want to embark on any alterations, I will more than happily give my advice. But good job so far. I enjoyed reading it.
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