There is so much feeling present that this actually almost made me cry because it's so sweet. For improvement, I would just suggest maybe combing some sentences and weeding out the passive sentences. You could combine "Our lips meet" with "I feel a rush of euphoric energy course through me" for instance, just to make it flow even smoother. I didn't find much passive but one that I noticed was "The heavy burdens have been cast aside for this moment" and I feel it would sound stronger if it started with "We have cast aside..." to make it an active sentence. Loved it, though! Great work.
The message present in this work is wonderful. I agree with it completely and I do enjoy the work, but I feel that some of the ideas are not connected. Maybe this was your intention, but I got lost between some line breaks and even between some sentences. Between the first and second paragraph I feel another sentence is needed to tie the ideas together. But I think this has a great message. Good work!
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