I like this poem. Especially the last line - I love that. I will bring the oxygen Clever. I think this is well-done, the wording is tight, the imagery is vivid. I have only one suggestion for improvement. In the following line:
Now remoter than
the farthest star.
Can you say instead:
Now more remote
than the farthest star?
I don't know if that will mess up the cadence of the poem. I just stumbled over the word "remoter" when reading it. Just a thought.
A sweet story of a young woman who comes to see her mother in a different light after a family tragedy. The writing is strong with very few, if any, mechanical errors. The story flows well and keeps the reader engaged. The ending seems a bit rushed and I had to read it a couple of times to make sure I was following it correctly. It could afford to be fleshed out somewhat to make it less cryptic. The story takes an unexpected turn at the end and this is where it gets a little muddy. Clever twist, just needs to be a bit clearer.
The mechanics of your writing are very good. You write very well. With just a little more attention to the ending, this story would be top-notch.
One other note: I was puzzled when I came across the word modgepodge. I looked it up in the dictionary, but didn't find it. There was, however, an ad that popped up for a craft product called Mod Podge. Could this be what you were referring to?
Jeanne, you are a strong and brave woman. You have written such an important story. Thank you for sharing it with us. Domestic violence is a blight on our land and it is only through brave women like you telling their stories fearlessly that a difference will be made.
Once again, your writing is flawless and you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself with simplicity and elegance.
This is a great short story. In fact, it's one of the best I've read in a long time. Mark, your writing style is very tight, easy to follow, with good description and not too wordy. I like that. This story is very well-written. There is such a sense of anticipation throughout the whole story and you've done a wonderful job of exploring emotions and pulling the reader into your story with that.
Mechanics: For the most part, you have very few grammatical or punctuation errors. A few missing commas here and there, but nothing major at all. The one area that I think needs some work is with your verb tenses. Here's one example: At the beginning of the projects, I would give the latitude and longitude for the project to the tugboat Captain and he will then tow us to within a nautical mile or so of location. Your verb tenses need to agree throughout the sentence. For example: : "....I would give the latitude and longitude... and he would then..."
Other editing suggestions:
What is cesium? You did such a magnificent job of explaining what the main character's job entailed, the equipment and the oil and gas platforms - everythng. But then you didn't tell us what cesium is or what it is used for. Why was it on the crew boat?
The only other suggestion I have is that your story seems to end a bit abruptly. It seems unfinished, as if there should be more to the last sentence.
You have a wonderful narrator's voice and are obviously a gifted storyteller. I look forward to reading more of your writing. Great job!
Flawless and full of extremely important legal information that will get you headed in the right direction in anticipation of the inevitable day when the roles are reversed and the adult child becomes the caregiver for a parent.
Unflinchingly real, the final chapter in the lives of the author's parents is told with dignity and courage. The author wrote this book in hopes of sparing others the nightmare she experienced after the state became involved in her parents' care. Forewarned is forearmed. This book is a must read for anyone who has yet to reach this difficult crossroads.
Heart-breaking bird's eye view of a life that is ebbing away. Written with amazing strength and clarity by a daughter who clearly adores her father, the thirteenth chapter in an amazing book will be a familiar heartache to some and a sad foretelling for others. What makes it important is that so many of us have either passed this threshhold or are approaching it. Judy relates her story in a courageous voice that pays homage to both of her parents. Yes, this is a sad story, but it is a reality we all will face eventually and Judy offers up valuable advice and lessons learned that no one should miss.
Judy, this is a heartwarming chapter. It's clear that you adored your mom and dad and that you did everythying possible to assure that their final years were as happy as possible. Your book is a real-life warning to everyone with aging parents of how easily their rights can be taken from them. There is a real danger within the system that was set up to protect them that the system can quickly swallow them up and lose sight of their humanity.
Thank you for your brave sharing. You are a jewel.
How very sad this must have been, to watch the decline of your mother's health, but most of all to see her will to live disappearing, too. This is a sad chapter. Very well done, excellently written - poignant, moving and sad, but not maudlin. You did a great job expressing the thoughts and emotions that were inevitable for both you and your mother.
Just a couple of typos that I spotted:
When Bill and I walked to wards toward her new room Days passed into weeks,however, and Mom was still very listless; not up to par. Her span of attention attention span seemed limited and in her interest in life had waned
Great job on this chapter, Judy. What a trial this ordeal must have been for you. Your parents were lucky to have such a caring and determined daughter. As always, your writing is top-notch.
Mechanics: just a few editing suggestions, mainly typos:
I tried to make the 45-minutes forty-five-minute trip to see my mother attended periodic staffing staff meetings where he his needs were discussed. I wasn’t sure here what you were trying to say – staff meetings? Or maybe briefings? balls and look at the fish in the acquarium aquarium It firt fit perfectly I nearly feel fell asleep in his chair. and Dad was no exception,, so There is an extra comma after 'exception'
Another excellent chapter told with heart-breaking clarity. Beautiful wording, perfectly paced, your story keeps the reader's attention by keeping him/her emotionally connected to you and your mom and dad with your simple, elegant retelling of events. A bittersweet story, courageously told.
A few editing suggestions:
Mainly he spent a lot of time walking aroundto check his new surroundings out. checking out his new surroundings.
The ward he was on housed only 15 fifteen people
and a huge glass enclosed glass-enclosed bird house
he was more alert, and happy…. No comma needed there because “happy he had settled into……” wouldn’t stand on its own as a complete sentence.
Sharing As I shared our crumpled dreams of getting a house for Mom and Dad, she listened patiently and quickly became one of the….
Mom and I never talked about (IT), but I think she knew…… Looks like a word was left out…..
he was no longerbe being drugged into compliance.
both in a fun loving mood. Did you mean “fun, loving mood” or “fun-loving mood”?
On a personal note, Judy, this story absolutely breaks my heart and makes me furious at the same time. What you are doing by going public with your story, thereby warning people of the dangers inherent in the "system" becoming involved in the caretaking of our loved ones, is so important. I know it has to be terribly painful for you to relive all of these memories as you ready your book for publication, and I want you to know how fearless I think you are to do this.
Your writing gets better and better with each successive chapter. The flow of this chapter is perfect, the timing flawless and your description of the events is harrowing. Great job!
A few minor editing suggestion:
Now the staff was desperately trying to medicate him into a state of submission. Since it's not possible for you to actually know what was in their minds, you might consider changing this sentence a bit with this qualifying phrase: "It was obvious to me that the staff was desperately trying to medicate him..."
It still has the same impact, but now it's a statement that you are qualified to make since you are describing what you have observed and not what is going on in someone else's mind.
In the second paragraph, I would replace the exclamation point with a period (remember, let the power of your words speak for themselves.) I recommend finding a different way to end the last sentence, instead of using "etc." For example: "I told him of Jason's bowling scores, the antics of our cats, and any other family anecdotes that I could conjure up on the spot." Using "etc," takes away from the impact of what you are conveying.
About five weeks later, the end of June, the case finally went to court. Atty. Attorney Sturgel requested a simple change ... Contractions are fine, but abbreviations shouldn't be used in formal writing.
Summer is always busy at the casino where I worked 3rd third shift Same rationale as above.
and content where not so much less activity was occurring.
Daddy did not really fit the portrait profile of an "average patient."
several staff members which who had cared for my dad,
over the next 24 twenty-four hours.
I LOVE this descriptive passage: My parents were typical of so many couples from their era. They stuck together through thick and thin, always caring about each other, but adept at arguing with each other as well. I well recall the sounds of Mom hastily shutting windows and doors when a heated argument would break out. It was a time when privacy was held in high regard, and a family's "dirty laundry" was never to be aired.
It is so well-written and says so much about your parents' values, characters and personalities. Excellent writing!
A very unusual viewpoint and a unique approach to a Mother's Day story are just two of the aspects which set this story apart from the norm. It is very well-written, with no discernible grammatical or mechanical mistakes.
This is a "warm, fuzzy" story, one that will elicit a smile from the reader. Well done!
An exploration into the history of the holiday we celebrate now as Thanksgiving, this essay is jam-packed with facts. Obviously well-researched, this piece takes us all the way back to the ideas and reasons behind a celebration epressing thanks for a bountiful harvest, plentiful wildlife and a new beginning in a new land. The writer takes time to follow the evolution of these early celebrations, with detailed explanations for the reasons behind today's traditions.
This piece is well-written, so much so that there is only one mechanical mis-step that I am aware of.
Mrs. Hale, after campaigning for years, was successful to convince in convincing President Lincoln to proclaim Thanksgiving as a national holiday.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Your vivid descriptions painted an incredibly clear image in my mind. My impression of your grandfather was that of a regal and elegant gentleman.
My favorite part was your description of walking with him - two steps and a skip of mine being equal to one of his strides. Beautiful imagery.
Your love and respect for your grandfather are wonderfully displayed with well-chosen words that allow the reader a peek at precious memories. Your attention to even the smallest detail in each scene lend an intimacy to your words. This pulls the reader into the story and allows him/her to experience the emotions of the moment.
There is a lovely sense of nostalgia to this piece. The peace and contentment you enjoyed with your grandfather shines through with each perfectly described memory.
The only suggestion I have for improvement is that your final sentence could be stronger. It doesn't seem to do justice to the rest of the piece. Following is an example of a sentence that says the same thing, but is a bit stronger (still not quite strong enough, but just an example.)
"The smell of sandalwood and the taste of those biscuits will forever evoke fond memories of my grandfather."
Overall, this is a beautifully written piece that is a joy to read. Excellent work!
This is good, Judy, really good. It's well-written and flows easily. I just have a couple of suggestions:
1. It was imperative the house be sold! End this sentence with a period, instead of an exclamation point. I learned this from my own editor. She said that it's okay to use an exclamation point with dialogue for emphasis, but don't use one with statements or narration. Just let the power of the words speak for themselves.
2. ...the floors were scrubbed, carpets shampooed and cabinets/closets cabinets and closets cleaned ... Using a slash mark between two words is too informal in this instance.
3. I felt as if I were violating their belongings, privacy, even though I knew what I was doing was a necessity. 'violating their privacy' makes more sense than 'violating their belongings'
4. rich brown off of the carpeting, and encouraged her to market the house as it was.
5. When warmer weather arrived a month later, however, along with the rise in humidity came a definite odor problem! Again, let the strength of your words speak for themselves and end the sentence with a period instead of an exclamation point.
6. could empty it out and install new cart carpet.
7. For On the weekend we held the sale,...
8. About an hour before the sale officially began, a man in an old truck pulled up, eager to see literally everything! Another exclamaton point, change to a period.
9. packing up and loading the truck with a gread great deal of professionalism...
10. Sandy was elated that many favorable comments were now being heard and she felt sure that ... This sentence could be stronger if it wasn't in passive voice. Maybe something like this: "Sandy was elated to receive many favorable comments and felt sure that..."
11.the City of Sheboygan the word 'city' shouldn't be capitalized
12. What had begun as a typical summer storm quickly turned into a raging, out-of-control flood! exclamation point - change to a period
13.The homes were where Dad's house was located faired fared a bit better because they were on higher ground, but they too suffered damage.
14. The flood waters broke through his exterior basement wall and flooded it with eight feet of water! another exclamation point
15. and so many other others that met with total destruction
The final paragraph in this chapter is heartbreaking. You've done an excellent job of conveying your feelings about this new chapter of life. Your words are simple and heartfelt and tug at the reader's heartstrings.
This is a clever piece of writing. Very enjoyable and an easy read. And I love the title - very amusing. My husband is also the one who usually ends up cleaning out the refrigerator - he seems to delight in it, for some reason. I love the clean refrigerator, but I can't say the same about the sinkful of dirty dishes that greets me when Hubby goes into cleaning mode!
My favorite part: "What cream cheese? I remember a small block of something that resembled a hairy bar of soap, but no cream cheese." Hilarious!
I have just a couple of suggestions. These are given in the spirit of being helpful, so please keep what helps and toss out the rest.
You might want to double space between paragraphs. It's a bit hard to read the way it is formatted.
both the dishwasher and sink was were full of empty dishes
which was so filled, I stumbled a bit reading this particular passage. It might be clearer if you said something like ths: which was filled so full,
All very minor things that don't detract at all from the "enjoyability" factor of your piece. Great job!
I was reading along with my mind racing ahead, expecting all sorts of bad things - a lonely older woman trapped in her house due to a snowstorm, spending Christmas alone - it had all the makings of a tragedy, or at the very least, a tear-jerker.
I wasn't expecting the ending. It was a nice, heartwarming surprise. No technical errors that I could spot, good flow to the story, and even with less than 300 words, you managed to flesh out the main character to a good degree.
This is a riveting piece of writing. The imagery is vivid, the emotion strong. Your writing is flawless and the pacing is perfect. Each line drew me to the next one with a building sense of anticipation.
I did not expect the ending. It was a complete surprise. As if your piece didn't have enough depth already, the ending added an extra layer. I love writing that catches me off guard - and this did. Very well-done, David.
Beautifully written with strength and courage. Your determination not to be chained to the horrors of the past is inspirational. Sadly, the numbers of people who have been ravaged by the shroud you describe are huge - epidemic, even.
Your poems of triumph will touch many and are an encouragement that there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you, Pat. You're an inspiration.
A powerful and empowering statement - congratulations! Your words ring with the authenticity of confidnce and victory. You perfectly conveyed the hell that you lived with as well as your triumph over it. And you did it all without an ounce of self-pity - just the truth and the joy that are rightfully yours.
My favotire line is "Pat Nelson". It's one thing to be able to face what has been done to us and declare our independence from it. It's entirely something else to have the strength and confidence to state it and sign your name to it.
Brilliant, Pat! You're a shining example to so many.
Another great one. You have a talent for digging down deep and eloquently describing those matters of the heart that we tend to not look at too closely.
You've spoken a very important truth in this poem - one that we all need to remember. Your writing is timely and unflinching in its honesty. Bravo!
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What is cesium? You did such a magnificent job of explaining what the main character's job entailed, the equipment and the oil and gas platforms - everythng. But then you didn't tell us what cesium is or what it is used for. Why was it on the crew boat? 
The only other suggestion I have is that your story seems to end a bit abruptly. It seems unfinished, as if there should be more to the last sentence. 
When Bill and I walked 
Days passed into weeks,
Her 
balls and look at the fish in the 
It 
I nearly 
Mainly he spent a lot of time walking around
The ward he was on housed only 
he was more alert
Mom and I never talked about (IT), but I think she knew…… Looks like a word was left out….. 
he was no longer
My husband is also the one who usually ends up cleaning out the refrigerator - he seems to delight in it, for some reason. I love the clean refrigerator, but I can't say the same about the sinkful of dirty dishes that greets me when Hubby goes into cleaning mode!