This is a very powerful piece on a subject that many shy away from. I have not rated this according to anything except content because it is such a riveting read that I couldn't be bothered with details like grammar and mechanics. I couldn't tear myself away from the richness of the story. Your narration drew me along through the story effortlessly. I felt so involved in "Sharon's" life that I wanted to enter the story and guide her, talk to her, help her.
As promised, I am re-reviewing this piece after editing changes have been made. I always felt the content deserved a five-star rating, but gave it a lower rating because of what I viewed as some mechanical errors. The author has made changes - not in the content of the poem, which was perfect already - but in the area of mechanics. I feel this piece definitely deserves a five star rating. Excellent writing!
I love this poem. What a wonderful job you've done of portraying the child's sense of security at her grandmother's house. Your descriptions are lovely and take me back to my own grandmother's house and the safety I felt there.
This is truly a "feel-good" poem for anyone who has ever been scarred by the specter of abuse. Well-done, Sherry.
Another powerfully-written poem, painful to read, but all too common an occurence in this world we live in. The message of your poem is strong and even though the little girl doesn't survive, it's a comfort to think of her in heaven where she'll never feel pain again.
This poem evokes very strong images and literally pulls emotions out of the reader. I think the content of the poem deserves a 5 star rating, the only reason I gave it a 4.0 is because of grammatical/mechanical errors.
Hush my little one she whispers as the child's soul begins to rise. Perhaps: "Hush my little one," she whispers as the child's soul begins to rise.
The child is beautiful no longer scared from years of abuse.
Needs a comma after beautiful. Also, should scared be scarred since you are referring to her appearance?
She looks at the angel and say's why, what is the excuse?
She looks at the angel and says, "Why, what is the excuse?"
knowing no-one no one stood up for this child
She has not seen daylight in days or is it months?
Needs a comma after "days"
She turns and watch's watches as he comes to her door.
Get up you little bitch he screams. "Get up, you little bitch!" he screams.
The angel tells her it is time for us to leave.The angel tells her, "It is time for us to leave."
Her suffering is finally over over, this much she knows
Note: These are all very minor mechanical errors and in no way take away from the power of your poem. But they can be distracting to readers and with just these few fixes, your poem will have a much smoother flow and the reader won't trip over them as he reads, making the impact that much greater.
I'll be happy to re-rate this poem if you would like for me to after you've done some editing to it. You have a wonderful talent.
Powerful, powerful words! You are a brave soul to be able to write so clearly of such a horrific childhood. Good for you.
You have done an excellent job of conveying to the reader the terror, the confusion and the abandonment felt by the little girl. I know it's not easy to write these words and you have done a commendable job of it.
I only saw one error and I assume it was only a typo - in the first line ...
All alone my bed curled up in a ball,
Should it be: All alone in my bed curled up in a ball,
Overall, a great piece. Excellent writing - Write on!
The imagery in this poem is beautiful and it seems you've done a great job of following the structure for a pantoum (at least, from what I can tell by the explanation you included at the end.}
Your poem has an ethereal feel to it. Your phrasing is lovely. Good job!
Very interesting the way you have written this as a poem. The information about the snakes' invasion of Florida is not a subject I would have ever thought to communicate in verse form, but you've managed it quite nicely.
It flows very well and the information is easily understandable. You've done a nice job of making the reader feel the urgency to act and the sense of danger builds with each verse.
This is a very enjoyable read. Nicely written, with a plot that flows smoothly and has a nice little surprise ending. Even though you were writing about the "blues" of empty-nest syndrome, the story has a happy feel to it.
Mechanics: These two sentences are a bit choppy and interrupt the smooth flow:
Not exactly sure why I stopped in the pet store that day. I was not looking for a pet, certainly not a dog as me and housebreaking a dog was a proven failure.
Maybe something like this would work better. Why I stopped in the pet store that day is a mystery. I was not looking for a pet, certainly not a dog, as my previous attempts at housebreaking dogs had been dismal failures.
In the next to last paragraph, there is a verb-tense error: At this point she is was giggling uncontrollably.
What I liked best: The ending. Perfect - I didn't see it coming and it was wonderful!
Very well-told story. The anticipation builds slowly and keeps the reader's attention throughout the entire story.
Mechanical errors/corrections: None - great job!
What I liked best: your descriptive passages - example: She walked over to the couch in the living room and put Mirabelle down. She tucked a well worn afghan with a pony stitched on the front around Mirabelle’s legs and kissed her on the forehead. Mirabelle stared at her yellow dog slippers poking out from under the afghan. The dog’s tongue was frazzled at the end, red strings hanging in all directions. She grabbed one of the strings and ripped it off the slipper and threw it on the floor. EXCELLENT!
Suggestions for improvement: I thought the ending was a bit abrupt. The rest of your story was so well-constructed and had such great story development, that I felt somewhat cheated by the ending. Maybe you could embellish it somewhat with Mirabelle's thoughts about why she viewed the bunny with the bulging eyes as a monster.
Overall, this is a great story. A great read! Write on!
I was breathless when I finished reading your poem, not just from the content of your poetry, but because it is so well-done that I found myself actually holding my breath as I read your words. I felt as if I was there. You gave life to your emotions. Very well-done!
Bravo!
Wow! This is exciting reading at its best. And the photo that opens the piece is incredible. I love the way you have written the letter in such a light-hearted mood, contrasting wonderfully against the sinister deed behind it. And the ending of the letter is just creepy enough to be eerie. The last two paragraphs are perfect - just "off" enough to give the reader a glimpse of how very twisted "CharleyM' really is.
I very much enjoyed reading this piece - it is delightful!
A haunting and thought-provoking poem. Very well-written and from such an unusual and original viewpoint. I can't think of a single thing that I would change about this piece, it is lovely just as it is. Great work!
I love this "tongue-in-cheek" tale of a mother recounting her battle scars given by her children. Very witty and wise and spoken like a true veteran mother who is well aware that she has found a new passion - one that can't be appropriated by her children in the same way they, like all children throughout the ages have claimed their own mother's clothes, jewelry, possessions, life as their own.
This piece is a jewel and any woman who is a mother, will be a mother or has ever thought of becoming a mother should read it and laugh along with it. Great job! Write on!
What a sad story. Such a heartbreaking event for a sweet, little trusting guy, just trying to do his best. Well-told and emotional. I have a couple of suggestions, personal opinion - take what you like and discard the rest.
Your story ends a bit abruptly. You might want to consider taking a look at it and possibly revising the last paragraph somewhat.
"He His realization of what he had done was much too late to..."
"Hayden was desolate over the next few hours... " Maybe you meant despondent or inconsolable?
Overall, a very good piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
I like this piece. It has a very peaceful feel to it. I'd love to hear it set to music. Very good lyrics. I like the imagery of the stars and moonbeams cascading on the two lovers, representative of the love they share. Nicely done.
Great first and last lines. This chapter grabs the reader by the throat and plunges them into the action. Your characters are real, presented in a way that makes the reader immediately form a bond with them and care about what happens to them.
I did these reviews backwards, starting with chapter four, because I read them in order. Just in case you were wondering.
You have the beginnings of a great novel here. Just having read the first four chapters, I can't wait to know what happens next. Excellent writing!
Another great chapter. Lots of information that lets the reader become acquainted with the character in an easy to follow manner, but presented in a way that is clear and distinct. Great characterization.
The thing I love the most about your chapters is the way you end each one with a note of surprise or expectation. Great hook for your readers!
Another extremely well-written chapter in a well-told story. You do dialogue very well. You've done a great job introducing your readers to this character. I felt like I knew him when I finished this chapter. You've made him believable by showing his weaknesses amid all the havoc he has caused and then giving us a glimpse of the remorse he is feeling. Your use of details (ie: the orange jumpsuit, the pack of cigarettes, etc) is excellent. It gives your story depth.
One editing note: newlyweds shoud be written as one word, not two.
This story is very well-written. I like the way you have interspersed different elements of the story within separate chapters, introducing the characters, advancing the plot line and introducing conflict. The manner in which you've told the story keeps the reader intrigued and wanting more. Ingenious. This is a skill that a lot of writers don't do well - but you have mastered it. Flipping back and forth within the timeline of a story is a very effective way to reveal information about characters, while still building tension.
Great story, excellent writing. I only saw a couple of places that needed editing - very small things like using every thing as 2 separate words - it should be everything.
I would change the following sentence: They laughed at that--both of them picturing the look on his sisters sister's face as one of pure hate and annoyance.
Overall, this is an excellent piece of writing. Love the story. Keep writing!
You're very brave to write of your abuse. A lot of people never get to that point, so you should congratulate yourself that you are able to write openly about it. Believe it or not, that will help in your healing. You are right when you say that it never goes away completely, but it is possible to come to a point in life where it doesn't control you any longer, rather it is a part of you, but not the most important part.
You have opened your heart about your abuse which is a huge act of trust. People who have been abused, as you know, have a very hard time with trust. The fact that you are able to trust enough to let people read about your experience is a very healthy sign. I wish you continued healing and pray that you grow stronger with every bit of your story that you relate.
A loving tribute for a pet that is obviously a favorite. Good description of your cat's markings; and she does sound beautiful, indeed.
You seem to have two separate stories going on here. First, you have the tale of your beloved cat and the many things you love about her. Your story begins and ends with this. But in the middle, you have inserted some unrelated history about cats in general - this doesn't flow well with your story. I think you could leave that part out (maybe expand it a bit and make it a stand-alone piece?) and it would improve the flow of your story quite a lot.
Mechanics: You have some areas that need work as far as grammar; for example: run-on sentences and incomplete sentences. Good writers aren't necessarily good editors - writers tell the story, editors clean it up. Since we can't all afford editors (YET), MS Word has done us all a favor and given us a built-in editor feature that not a lot of people seem to know about. I didn't know about it until someone who reviewed one of my pieces told me about it. If you write your piece in MS Word, there is a feature you can activate with spell-check that also checks for grammar errors and offers suggestions for correction. That feature is worth its weight in gold. I use it all the time now.
You obviously have a love for writing. Keep writing! You write with a fresh, joyful voice.
You have some very interesting ideas for your works of mystery. This piece is no exception. A very interesting premise, indeed.
As for the mechanics of your story, I saw very little that needed correction, possibly a missed comma or two, but nothing that detracts from the overall flow of the story.
My only suggestion is that you might try to slow down the action a bit. Give the reader a few more clues and allow him/her to start figuring the mystery out before you spell it all out for them. In my opinion (and remember, it is just that - my opinion, which you are, of course, free to take or leave as you see fit) the reader feels a bit cheated when suddenly all of the answers to the mystery are neatly laid out for them. You do a good job of building suspense when beginning your story. Don't be in a rush to get to the resolution. Let the reader enjoy the suspense a while longer as you offer a few more clues and then maybe, let the answers be revealed in a more leisurely manner.
Overall, very good writing and very good start. Keep writing, this is a promising beginning.
This is a heartfelt piece with a deep current of sadness. I would like for it to be a little longer - both verses are so lovely, that it's just a shame there isn't more to it.
My favorite line is the first one: "Do you lie in the meadow of deep despair?" Good writing. Keep it up!
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Hush my little one she whispers as the child's soul begins to rise. Perhaps: "Hush my little one," she whispers as the child's soul begins to rise.
The child is beautiful no longer scared from years of abuse.
She looks at the angel and say's why, what is the excuse?
knowing 
She has not seen daylight in days or is it months?
She turns and 
Mechanics: These two sentences are a bit choppy and interrupt the smooth flow: 
What I liked best: The ending. Perfect - I didn't see it coming and it was wonderful!
Suggestions for improvement: I thought the ending was a bit abrupt. The rest of your story was so well-constructed and had such great story development, that I felt somewhat cheated by the ending. Maybe you could embellish it somewhat with Mirabelle's thoughts about why she viewed the bunny with the bulging eyes as a monster. 