Excellent advice written with simplicity and clarity. Every parent should read and understand this, just as every child deserves the chance to be loved and accepted for who he is, not who he should be. Great wisdom here. Thanks for sharing it!
This is an extremely well-written piece. The pacing of the story is good, but seems to stumble a bit at the very end - as if in a hurry to be done. I wasn't expecting such a quick and tidy ending because the pace had been building so steadily up until tha point. Perhaps the ending could be revised somewhat to match the pace of the rest of the story? Just a suggestion.
I like your use of details - such as the Remington prints - to build tension. Character development is good given the length of the story. The Brandon Sunderland character threw me a bit. I understand his character as a red herring, but it almost seemed unnecessary. That's just my opinion, but maybe you could expand the storyline between Daryl and Marge a bit more - flesh them out a little, instead of throwing th Sunderland character into the mix.
Overall, I think the story is quite good - it feels somewhat like a first draft? It has great potential, especially since you're so good at building tension and pacing.
Please take any comments or suggestions made in the spirit in which they were intended, which is to be helpful and not to change your vision of your story. You are the only one who has that vision. If you find any of my suggestions helpful, great! If not, then toss them out.
I love the title of your poem. Titles are so important and you've done a great job of choosing one that draws the reader's attention.
Your words are beautful and the phrasing is lovely. But I got a little bit lost in the middle of your poem. I'm not sure why, but I found it a bit hard to follow. It felt as if my emotions weren't sure which direction to take. (I know - that's weird - but that's how it felt)
But then the last two verses are crystal clear and so lovely. A beautiful tribute.
I am reviewing your piece as part of a NEWBIE Port Raid sponsored by Images in Ink.
You have a great sense of humor! This piece had me giggling from the get-go! Too funny! I especially loved the part where you "detail" the selection process for the buddy pass line-up. Hilarious!
The only reason I rated this a 4.5 instead of a 5 is because of a few typos and a few words that spell-check didn't catch (probably) ex: out instead of our. Also, when you use parentheses, don't put a space inside the mark either before or after the parenthesis mark and make sure to have a space after the parethesis is closed. (I know, terribly picky, aren't I) These are all just minor things, but they will trip your reader up and draw attention away from your awesome comedic timing!
Hi, I will be reviewing your piece for a NEWBIE Port Raid sponsored by Images in Ink.
OVERVIEW: Absolutely hilarious and so true-to-life! If everyone who reads this doesn't totally relate to it, I will be amazed. This is cleverly written with tongue placed firmly in cheek! I loved it!
MECHANICS:Only saw a couple of minor things - typos, I'm sure. "You willYou realize that the location is actually in a red light district....."
Ps should be typed as P.S.
WHAT I LIKE BEST: This is a very funny piece--great sense of humor!
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Only the two mechanical points listed above. Other than that, it's perfect... and perfectly hilarious!
OVERVIEW: This is a very powerful piece with tremendous emotion! You have done an admirable job conveying the terror and uncertainty that one would experience in such a situation.
}MECHANICS: I didn't notice any spelling or grammars errors at all, except what I think is probably a typo in the second line ".....has now taken on a(n) evil grin"
WHAT I LIKE BEST: My favorte line: Terror rising from deep within
What I once thought was love has now taken on a evil grin Excellent choice of words to portray the transition from love to obsession (on his part) and from love to terror (on the victim's part.)
SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT: No improvement needed. This is a very good piece of writing. Keep up the good work!!
This story is beautifully told. You are a talented writer, my friend. Everything about this piece is perfect. I didn't notice any grammatical errors at all, the pace and flow of the story is flawless and your style is lovely. Your writing is very "tight" - you use an economy of words to communicate what you want to say, which makes your story very readable.
Dark, disturbing, compelling - all of these words come to mind in describing your poem. It is well-written and a good read. It does what good writing does - it makes the reader think, invites questions, stirs up emotions.
Only one grammar suggestion: "Because no knowledge of a more innocent time troubles their thoughts?"
What a powerful poem! You have somehow managed to show us what a tiny baby must feel at the hands of their abuser. I was carried away by the emotions in this piece. Powerful, powerful stuff. You have my admiration - both for your writing and for your huge heart.
Beautiful, heart-rending words. I love the imagery of the key and the chain - very good description of the ways we trap ourselves trying to keep our hearts safe from hurt.
Good job taking the reader on a journey of emotions. So many readers will relate to this piece - beautifully done.
Wow - this story is wonderfully told and sadly, so relevant to society today. It's a very moving piece - well-written, keeps the reader's attention, and the pace of your story is perfect. I wish you luck with publication. It's an excellent story.
I have only one editing suggestion (again, just my opinion):
1.This sentence: Now she found herself not only praying for her own life, but for the lives of the other people in the room. A room that belonged no longer to a high school but to bedlam. Perhaps could be changed to this: .....in the room--a room that belonged no longer to a high school but to bedlam.
Wow - this is very powerful. I love the synmbolism - relating yourself to "a female Pinnochio". How often have we all (as women) felt exactly this way? This is good stuff, Judy! Keep writing!
Great start for a first entry. Just remember, as someone very wise told me early on, paragraphs are your friend - makes your entries much easier to read.
I'm looking forward to future entries - keep 'em coming!
Great piece of writing! I love the way you interspersed past and present to tell John's story. Your writing style is "tight" - as in, very neat; you use an economy of words that clearly conveys your meaning and emotion and doesn't lose the reader in a tangle of wordiness. This is a very well-executed story. Impressive work. Whatever you do, keep writing. You have talent.
I freely admit to not having a great deal of knowledge about poetry, but I do know when I read poetry that touches me and this did. You have perfectly captured the cascading emotions of the heart of every artist - whatever his or her particular art may be.
I love this piece - it's beautiful. Great work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Bravo! This is a very well written piece. You have a gift of drawing the reader into your world - which is no simple feat and few writers accomplish this so effortlessly. Your examination of the emotions and effect of laughter is my favorite part of your piece - so very insightful.
There are a few misplaced commas and a couple of grammatical errors, but that's not what I feel is important in these reviews. (And that's why God created editors!) You write from the heart and your writing flows easily. The only suggestion I have would be for the last paragraph. You did such a beautiful job of defining the undefinable, of explaining the elusiveness of humor and its healing effect on all of us. I think it could be even more effective if you could bring it back around to YOU in the last sentence, instead of relating how the comedian feels, can you make it more personal, relate it back to yourself? The whole piece had such an intimate feel - as if the reader was really in your head - until the last few lines and then it felt like you distanced yourself and, consequently, your readers.
Overall, I love this piece and I think you are an amazing writer. I would love to read more of what you have written. Keep writing - you're good at it!
Kay Jordan
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