Very thoughtful and thought provoking. Empathy is a rare quality, and you have it, and your wonderful words invite everyone to do some soul searching of their own. Wish there were more people like you.
Well done.
Very nicely done. Loved the young voice in the story and your sense of humor. Great expose, even if your wish list is no longer applicable to the theme. Now, perhaps another piece could tell us how your expectations stood up to time. Will look forward to the story. Best of regards.
- K
Not your best poem, but you display innate potential. It did not do much for me either way, maybe I am not in the mood for it. Alas, keep at it. It'll come. Regards.
Streams of consciousness at its best. God will save you. I loved the construction of the poem, and its message. Hang in there: You're talented. Will read more of your works in the future. Well done.
Best regards.
- Kent
Very nice poem.
Good structure, flow, and form, which enhanced the meaning of the poem beautifully. Pieces of our lives like so many words placed here and there in a poem to make the journey of life so much easier for the soul.
Well done.
Loved the humor and the suggestive quality of the poem.
Title is perfect.
Format and meter is varied; very imaginative and creative.
It rhymes and flows beautifully.
There is good use of internal rhyme as well and alliteration.
The theme is very well developed.
Imagery and metaphors are superb.
No grammar, spelling or, punctuation errors.
This is a captivating story. You did a wonderful job. The whole story flows like a river. Its easy to follow and the imagery is superb. Transitions within the dialogues are done skillfully and express the theme of the story very well. Characters, the build-up, the tension come across quite well.
One suggestion would be to go into the "who" aspects of the characters a little more to contrast moods. But this is a minor issue, just a matter of emphasis and taste. It takes away nothing from the work. Don't mind me.
Overall, very well done!
Hello. I loved it, Yellow Rose!
But, God forbid, God should take someone else for now. Its too early for you. You're much needed here.
1. As to your wonderful poem, I liked the title as it reflects the theme developed very well.
2. The format is nice and clear as well, and its easy to read, complimenting the flow of the poem.
3. The built-up tension bursts at the seams at the end and is superb.
4. As a retrospective (second person) monologue (if I may call it so?), its written well, and the imagery is vivid.
5. No grammar, punctuation or spelling errors.
Methinks:
Very well done.
Best regards.
Very moving story. Captivating imagery and metaphors. Very few mistakes of spelling, such as in the third line from the bottom, "boys" should be [possessive] "boy's" or just say "boy's lips," methinks.
And this statement: in the eleventh line: " Instead of it toppling over the girl went right through it." ... How about this: " Instead of it toppling over the girl it went right through." ???
Also, if you had divided the conversations into separate paragraphs, it would read much much better for my old eyes.
Just a few minor details. So, don't mind me.
But, overall I like your style, and I like the way you constructed the story from the beginning to the end. You're a good story teller. You did a wonderful job here!
Keep it up. Best regards.
Hi Yusuf, (Merhaba!)
This is a beautiful poem, nicely structured and nicely delivered. I liked the theme very much. A minor detail of note: The second line from the bottom should read as "yours" too - since it also stands as a possessive pronoun in the sentence.
Don't mind me.
Overall, wonderful job. Well done.
Best regards.
If this is a preface to your book, then its the best summation about a sci-fi novel I have read to this date. You lay down the theme and the players without giving away the entire plot with some rare skill. I am going to have to get this book and read it. Hope it makes it into Hollywood's radar screen and becomes a movie some day. Well done. Regards.
Beautiful poem. Heartfelt. Some minor issues in line construction.
See my suggestions in the parenthesis of these lines:
"I’ll wait to feel your warmth till dawns (dawn's?) early light."
"I’ll wait till your (you're ?) ready and your heart can clearly see."
"And even if it doesn’t find me I still will be (I'll still be ?) there.
Make sense?
Don't mind me.
I loved the poem. Please keep it up.
Very good job.
Well done Hanna! Your memory will not waste. We just have to go easier on ourselves, and keep up our pace. Let the young ones have fun with us. They'll get there some day too. Then, we'll laugh at them from the above. Enjoyed it very much. Best regards.
You've tried to use iambic pentameter (one unaccented followed by one accented syllable), and rhymed it ABABABCC with your Ottava Rima, but applied the form with great variation and it became somewhat, among others a trochaic (One accented followed by one unaccented syllable) construction, e.g. the word "vestibule,' which is dactylic (one accented followed by two unaccented syllables) at the end of the 5th line.
How about: "As they now convene and wait by the door and drool" ???
Don't mind me.
Loved it anyway, very nicely done.
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