I enjoyed the beauty of this poem, and how you relate and compare a rose to one's life. There are some great comparisons, I enjoyed how you made me think about it all, and see it too. I love comparisons like that - very clever.
I have a few suggestions for you. I think there are a few things you can do to help improve the poem in certain parts, and overall.
In the second stanza, I noticed you use "it" quite a bit. You may want to consider revising some of these so it's not so repetitive. In this stanza you start off with Your life parallels the life of this rose. You may just want to say 'life' and omit the 'your' altogether.
Overall, you had some great flow to this. The rhyming was smooth, though I think you could have ended the poem a little more solidly - rhyming 'passed' with 'past' got you off the hook a little too easy.
I enjoyed the beauty of this poem, and how you relate and compare a rose to one's life. There are some great comparisons, I enjoyed how you made me think about it all, and see it too. I love comparisons like that - very clever.
I have a few suggestions for you. I think there are a few things you can do to help improve the poem in certain parts, and overall.
In the second stanza, I noticed you use "it" quite a bit. You may want to consider revising some of these so it's not so repetitive. In this stanza you start off with Your life parallels the life of this rose. You may just want to say 'life' and omit the 'your' altogether.
Overall, you had some great flow to this. The rhyming was smooth, though I think you could have ended the poem a little more solidly - rhyming 'passed' with 'past' is a little too easy and weak.
Wow, this is a powerful piece of writing relating to the events surrounding September 11th and after. I enjoyed the perspective you took for writing this. It wasn't until the end that I realized 'whose' perspective it was, but when I read "and as I've done for over 100 years now," a light bulb went off.
Your description appealled to me - I've been doing a lot of "searching for seaglass" myself lately on the beach near where I live. My boyfriend and I do this together, and we've got quite a collection going. I agree though - the blue sea glass is the most rare, and by far the most beautiful.
I like the imagery of love and how it relates to the formation of the sea glass, etc. Wonderful imagery this brings forth.
I enjoyed your poem. It reminds me of the writing I did in my high school days - so full of longing, anger, sadness, and love. You do a great job of expressing your emotion in this piece.
Have you thought about centering this? I think it would be nice if it were centered. It would help the free flowing nature of it, while being more visually appealing.
This is a sweet poem. You fill it with great emotion and some nice imagery. Nice job.
Suggestions
This line didn't sound right to me: Which you sang here long back
maybe try "ago" instead of "back"
You use the word "welcome" a lot in the second to last stanza. The repitition is distracting, and doesn't appeal to me as a reader. You may want to revise. Try looking up different words for "welcome" in the ideanary offered here on the site.
This is a wonderful piece! You offer some great insight on how to become a helpful and encouraging reviewer. I like the presentation of this piece, with the color and formating - the bullets and boldness really add to this piece. I also like your opinion on good reviewing - you're very right, it helps the reviewer as well as the reviewee.
I've read this in the past, but have not reviewed it, yet.
You present some interesting and creative ways of spreading the word about writing.com. I'm glad to see that there is now a group started to further help spread the word about this wonderful site.
One thing I do is add a link to my portfolio/writing.com at the end of all my emails from my personal email account.
Another emotional poem with wonderful imagery. I really enjoyed the imagery and symbolism of the city in this one. The last poem I reviewed of yours I enjoyed a little more, but this is still a nice piece of writing.
*This review given for your win in:
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Usually I don't enjoy a poem that isn't set up all symmetrical, and smooth flowing - one that isn't visually appealing to the eye, with sentences starting and ending on one line, or broken up with a comma between two, etc. However, I really enjoyed this poem! I like how you split up the lines. I like the flow. I could actually hear your voice in the words as I was reading them. That is a great acheivement for a writer. Great job!
*This review is for:
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If you write a sequel or a second chapter, I think Juen needs to call her sister Helen and make amends. You only live once, and you don't know who will be here tomorrow or not. Make the best of today, and say and do the things you want and need to. Dont wait.
I enjoyed this one. I like how you split up the stanzas with one sentence phrases in between - the set up of the poem, and these sentences/phrases add a lot of character and intensity to the overall piece.
I enjoyed the second stanza a little more so than the first - I think it packs more of a punch. It seems to be more vivid.
I see a theme with you - you mention autumn a lot in your peoms. Autumn is my favorite season.
A powerful poem, Eliot - one that sounds strangely familiar.
The imagery in this is moving, and you stir up some great emotion. Excellent!
Suggestions
The only suggestion I have is probably a personal one. The 3 middle stanzas all seem to flow into one another - one ends and continues into the next. It is a tiny bit distracting in this way, for me as a reader.
This is a very informative piece. I appreciate that you took the time to breakdown each section of the item statistics - it gave me a better grasp of what each section is for and how it can help me. I especially like the idea of the top ten referring url's - that's great to know! It's pretty neat to do a search on google or yahoo for your handle name and see what pops up from your writing.com port.
Ed, this is one of the most touching and emotional stories I have read in a long time - amazingly done! The way you told it - the memories, the flashbacks, and tying it all together with the "present" - marvelkous writing - you never cease to amaze me. Truly.
You had such wonderful story-telling that I didn't even forecast the ending - it hit me right in the gut when you gave the punchline - and I'm avoiding mentioning it on purpose - this review is going on the public review page - I hope it draws some attentin and more reads and reviews for you - honestly, I would recommend this story to anyone.
So, can you tell I really enjoyed your story?? *Phew...*
A wonderful poem, Amy. You provide excellent imagery and stir up great emotion with your descriptions and wording.
I like the challenge of not using the letter "i" thoughout this poem - very unique. I found myself reading and enjoying the poem while looking for any "i's" as well. It was fun.
One editing note:
In these lines:
Go unadorned by sympathy, by art. Go
through that backdoor left cracked open.
I would put the second "go" on the second line, for better flow and visual appeal.
This is a well-written story. Some areas were alittle confusing, trying to figure out who was speaking when - you may want to clarify this a bit more - but overall, you have a nice writing style.
The story itself is somewhat harsh. Honestly, I wouldn't take that guy back - sounds like he has some personal issues to work on. I didn't really understand how she proved her love for him - by leaving? Seems like she just finally came to her senses! No one deserves that kind of abuse.
A touching, sad, emotional poem. I'm sorry for your losses, but it sounds as though you make up for them in the great amount (7!) of children you are raising. Children are wonderful and precious. I'm sure they fill your life with so much joy.
A short but sweet poem, Cyndi. I like the way the stanzas flow - from me to you to us - nice way of tying it all together - it comes full circle in the end.
Great, interesting, and informative piece, Kenzie!
I worked with a lot of different children last summer at a camp for autism and asperger’s. One of the children I worked with was a young girl by the name of Ellen, and she had AS. You describe so much of her in this piece, it’s amazing. She too is extremely intelligent. Like Derek, she takes things completely literally. She can’t read people’s expressions. And she doesn’t like change. She has a set schedule to stick to, and doesn’t like when it’s altered…. There are so many things I see in this piece that reflect in her. "Invalid Item"
Thank you for sharing this. I hope things work out for you and your son – BTW, have you thought about updating this?
Some suggestions:
The director asked me to write down all the words and phrased he knew and understood,
s/b phrases
She was also shared excitedly that he was using three word sentences. I knew that.
No need for the ‘was’
At about six, he informed his teacher that this dad always drank while he drove.
Great, interesting, and informative piece, Kenzie!
I worked with a lot of different children last summer at a camp for autism and asperger’s. One of the children I worked with was a young girl by the name of Ellen, and she had AS. You describe so much of her in this piece, it’s amazing. She too is extremely intelligent. Like Derek, she takes things completely literally. She can’t read people’s expressions. And she doesn’t like change. She has a set schedule to stick to, and doesn’t like when it’s altered…. There are so many things I see in this piece that reflect in her. "Invalid Item"
Thank you for sharing this. I hope things work out for you and your son – BTW, have you thought about updating this?
Some suggestions:
The director asked me to write down all the words and phrased he knew and understood,
s/b phrases
She was also shared excitedly that he was using three word sentences. I knew that.
No need for the ‘was’
At about six, he informed his teacher that this dad always drank while he drove.
This is a nice poem, filled with a lot of heart-felt emotion. Having to be apart from the person you love is a difficult thing. Patience and prayer (if you pray) will help you through. And if it's meant to be, then everything will work out.
Some Suggestions
The flow of the poem is somewhat choppy in some places. Try reading this out loud to yourself, and I think you'll pick up on the areas that could use a little more work.
To go along with the flow, some of the rhyming seems a little forced too.
This particular part stood out:
My head is filled with thoughts of you
Thoughts of us together,
The one thing I want out of all of life
I think you the use of 'thoughts' so close together is repetitive and a distraction. Try looking up 'thought' in the ideanary under author tools for some other suggestions. This is also a great tool in general, for future reference.
The last line didn't sound right. Maybe just simply try:
The one thing I want most out of life
Nice work, and write on!!
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This is great!!
This line didn't sound right to me: