Trust me this is a great piece of work. Just wonderful, the way you depicted everything was really nice and especially the metaphors that you used are befitting. Your vocabulary was indeed perfectly balanced with ornamentations.
Now, the part that I loved about this was the depth of it's meaning. Each line has a deep meaning and those clearly explain the fact of our lives that we forget most often.
I loved the line:
"The earth obliges none its favour
But air to breath and ground to oblige"
This line is just too simple but the meaning is yet deep.
Keep up the good work. Will be looking forward to read your next piece.
First, you should be happy with this rating, I am not trying to discourage you. To be honest, it's more than enough because you lack a lot of things. Now, I will try my best to explain some of the things that could have made it better:
1. Characters:
You had only one character to focus on the whole story. Well, that's okay. Sam, is the character that you mentioned here. The story was written in past and followed a single sequence. So, you should've kept that in mind.
For example- you don't need to use "she listened" or "listening" every-time. cuz' that's the situation she was in; you don't need to explain it each time. When you say it's night at first; you don't need to tell it every-time that it's still night. I hope you got my point here.
2. Plot:
Your plot was way too obvious and common. No shred of creativity. Anyone can guess the ending. No plot twist, that's ok. You kept it simple, I appreciate that but what matters is "How u tell the story". You made everything too obvious, leaving the readers no scope to think otherwise. that is, in your story there's no "What if." And, your genre was horror, but your story has no suspense, the readers won't feel any chill. So, keep the thrill.
3.Grammar:
Just how many "and" did u use? Sentence construction is poor, but it doesn't matter that much if the story is good. Word choice was good. But, u need to focus on sentence making, to be more expressive, more vivid and more pleasant. And, kindly fix the punctuations.
###Overall impression:
so and so. Not good, not bad.
#Suggestions:
1. First, make a draft of the plot. Take some time to set up the plot.
2. Be more decisive, but comprehensive.
3. Don't break down each situation, let the readers' imagination run wild.
$. Never give up.
Keep up the good work. Try your best and you could've made it better, just think a bit before setting up the plot. I'll be looking forward to read your net works. Thanks.
Once upon a time there was a magician, who was very wicked. He was well known all across the world because of his unique magic tricks. Behind the scene he used to harm other at a great extent. Everyday, he used to carry a coin with him. His lucky charm. It was this coin for which he gained so name and fame. One day, while doing a trick of changing dimension, his son got stuck in between two different time line. He tried so much and begged for returning his son. Alas! on the next performance, his son fell from the sky, DEAD. At this the magician was very angry. Because of that, he threw the coin away. His world comes crashing in around him and he loses everything including his fame for he can no longer perform any of his tricks. He lost everything. Until finally, he cursed his own luck and died a miserable dead.
the way you started it was really great, i liked it.
The impression of the characters were Vivid. So, we can easily feel the situations.
There was no grammatical errors. and, it was nicely depicted, but, was jake in alex's hand?
I thought he had amnesia
Anyway, let's get inside the house.............
to be honest i didn't get any of it. would you please mind to explain the meaning or the plot of short story.
naomi, is she dying? and the other elephants came out of the bush on a sudden. was she afraid? and dying? so desperate for light.
anyway the vocabulary was really great. the lines were really awesome. loved it.
hope your wish comes true. someday, chopin will actually hit you with his arrow, and hope the day would be really soon. your poem reached my heart. actually i am also waiting for someone.
your poem it was really great. it made me feel great inside. thanks for sharing such a great piece of literature.
thanx for sharing this writing with all of us. and this piece of writing was really filled with information. those information will be useful for me i guess. reading it encouraged me a bit. i think someday i will also try to submit some stories. wish me luck.
your short story was nicely depicted. you have unveiled the sorrow of your own character. and the starting was very nice. but, the finishing, it was a bit sloppy, if you are a reader and have read a lot of books then you would be able to guess it's finishing perfectly. the last line was awesome. and the name too. keep up the good work.
your warm pieces of poetry really made me understand friendship. friends are the best thing you can rely on. put your trust on. in your poetry you depicted your thoughts real well. it is a blessed piece of poetry. the words are nicely arranged. i loved your poetry. keep up the good work and bless us with more of your poems.
your awesome poetry, depicts the way of life. whatever you do in your culturing stage. you rip that. you only rip what you sow. the words are too nice and warm. it gives a deep feeling.
thanks for writing such a beautiful piece of poetry. i really enjoyed it. keep up.
your poetry was very gentle and fascinating. the vocabulary is nicely selected. the words easily reached my heart. this poem depicts all the emptiness of people. thanks for such a good poetry.
hopefully, i wish you will write more poems and share all of it with us.
As your first poem, you've really done well. The words nicely depicted your thought predominately. Peoples usually write poems about different stuffs, but, you wrote a poem about poem itself.It's very unique. Bro, it's really something. For me to read this, it feels like you've also got this talent. You may take some time to flourish it though, but, if you ever can get a hold of it, u can be successful. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for such a beautiful poem. Best of luck with your writing.
it's true.guilt is really a messed up feeling. it is greater than grief. by the way, don't feel burdened with that guilt. try to be strong, if you have something to cherish than cherish on that.
it's really making me emotional. it doesn't even matter how hard you may try, but , if you keep feeling guilty inside then you can't but be sick inside. it will destroy you. so, try to enlighten your mind and keep it up.
wish u luck.
your writing about the important parts of research is correct. i with most of my senses want to do research as i grow older and if and only if i get the fund from the government. it's true that the main reason of not doing is not having curiosity in this things.
i enjoyed your piece of ideology. keep it up. wish you luck.
is it a choice you are letting the writers to choose?
if so then for me i would like to choose a mythical beast, called dragon. i wouldn't actually hate to be something else then human. but, still i'm happy that My LORD as created me as a human.
Anyway, your entry was so small, decently arranged, but i was wishing to read something interesting. but still so good. thanks for sharing it.
LOL! nicely depicted. the poem may be short. but it's insight is really something. the nature is dying for our selfishness. the beauty still so charming you can't but get bewitched by it.
though you would like to admire the sight. i would like to keep it on my heart. best of luck.
though your genre was about emotional, you couldn't mix it up well with the words. the words were pretty simple. but, you can do better. focus on arranging the lines first. because your line makes the poem more interesting. so, you should try your best. Don't GIVE UP. you can do it, only if you can try. there goes a saying that "you can do what you believe"
so, good luck and if you are interested in emotional writing you can visit my portfolio and read the poem named liar. hope you will learn something good from it. for encouraging you i'm leaving you 5 stars. best luck
the words are nicely arranged and the vocabulary is too nicely taken into account. overall depiction of the poem reflects all kinds of emotion of a man's life. and the finishing line makes it more awesome "i'm on fire." it reminds me of the dialogue of one if my favorite character.
the poem is so nice. loved it. keep on writing.
so romantic..brings back so much of my memory.. loved this piece.totally.believe me it's one hell of a poem. Keep it up. and i so happy that leaving you 5 star and gift point's.
if you ever have your time just visit my portfolio some time. I would be glad. And thanks for such a nice piece. May the one you wish thou knows about it. GOOD LUCK.
totally amazing. sometimes, things can be real messed up.. so many things that seems so unreal, yet happen. You can't but just see it. That's what we call it fate. It can be real cruel. And, as u said, i would like to add that life itself is a mystery. You never know what's gonna happen a moment later. So, many events take place in life. Some are painful and it hurts and i know it hurts.But, never give up hope. You need to live your own life. A saying is that "Time heals everything." i used to believe in that, but there are still something what even time can never heal. You just to pass on feeling miserable. Anyway, your piece of poetry has a deep connotation.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 9:57pm on May 10, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "