Very nicely done. What a crafty take on the story. I love how it shows that winning isn't everything. What is your target audience age? Is this story designed for parents to read to their children. I ask cos there's some pretty big words in there. It's challenging but anything a child has an opportunity to learn it's a great thing.
This is very realistic and true to life. I know someone who feels exactly like this -- my dad! You explain these feelings very clearly and in some instances, in a deeply emotional way. It is touching and sincere. Each paragraph follows the one after and with a few grammar hints this piece would be well on its way to being a finished short editorial or life experience piece -- even a fiction with some small narrative addons. The piece is quite flexible and ready to take a step up. Nice job
These are the issues with grammar that I was able to identify and suggested fixes:
I didn't see any misspelled words, but my spelling is atrocious, just ask around LOL.
A smile in the morning, or a curious look during the day. Here is an incomplete sentence that I found. It can be a part of the series directly before this sentence. Ie:>>(comma) , a smile in the morning or a curious look during the day.
I am at times too self absorbed>>> I think you should use another comma in the beginning of this sentence ie>> I am, at times, too self absorbed, ... This makes "at times" a qualifier in the sentence and causes a pause for effect when read out loud!!!!!
Survivable yes, repairable yes...>>> Here is an incomplete sentence. The sentence has impact, but generally speaking you would write this kind of incomplete sentence in dialogue. To keep the impact you might be interested in writing the sentence inside out. For intance: Survivable, it is, yes, repairable... It uses a lot of commas but is impactful nonetheless. There may even be a way to use less commas.
a little less self centered-ness on my part maybe. >>> the final item in a series of items that all have verbs, this one needs one too and it may fix the -ness problem LOL. For instance: , been a little less self-centered.
disconnect, the feeling that I >>> it would help the words flow if you end the series here, for instance:.>> disconnect and the feeling that I
It is written as a string of thoughts and has an impact as such but it may flow better without the extra comma!
this way and I know >>> I think this would have more impact if you end the sentence and start a new one here, for example: >> this way. I know... The two separate parts have the same subject area, however the part that begins, "and I know" is a broader subject to the prior clause. And it just flows better << incomplete sentence LOL
My overall impression of this piece is that it is a great personal experience piece that just needs its chrome shinned up
This is a very interesting and original story. Scifi though it may be I think it was well written and thought out. In the beginning of the story you really can't tell that it's a plant. I thought you were describing the instant that human life begins, which is a trippy story in and of itself. I like this story a lot.
I found a couple of things you might want to look at, second pair of eyes and all
instants hesitation << instant's hesitation
The following sentence could be reworked so that it doesn't end in a preposition ( a definite no-no, except in poetry LOL)
I stumbled upon something I had long since ceased hoping for. << T "I stumbled upon someting for which I had long since ceased hoping."
This is a bit of a run-on, two sentences have more impact here.
perhaps even more so, yet I felt within <<< perhaps even more. Yet, I felt within...
once threated<<< is this supposed to be "threatened"?
This is rough, and has an extra "a" in it, perhaps it can be reworked:
There was a slide of dead leaves, and a suddenly a single hand groped upwards <<< Suddenly, in a slide of dead leaves, a single hand groped upwards...
The following sentence is wordy and a bit of a run-on.
He peered down at them for a moment, uncomprehending, when a small smile began to creep over his face, slowly, as though the act of smiling were foreign to him.<<< He peered down at them for a moment, uncomprehending. Then a small smile began to slowly creep over his face as though the act of smiling was foriegn to him.
was instead of were because the "act" is a singular noun.
Very few errors for a document this long. Nice job editing. All of these errors happen after the middle of the text. Great job
Karen
Longer I want more of this story. I love stories in poetry form. When something could easily be prose or poetry. It makes the story malleable to the readers will.
Welcome to WritingdotCom. It really is the greatest place for writers in the world and I'm very happy I came here. I hope you post a lot of stuff here and as always keep on writing no matter what. Sometimes the worst times of our lives give us the best material. Sunny side up eh?
Nice Job, like I said I think it can be longer and not ruin the effect!
Karen
So very true, how a new friend can give you a fresh look, a new view and bring us, however, fragile from the grips of depression. I like the way you express the cause of depression here: Defeatism stabbed my heart, ... This is a poignant moment in the poem that tugs at the heart strings. This is how we hurt ourselves, but a new friend brings us hope.
The only thing I would work on with this poem is the meter. I would keep pushing the phrases back and forth til heck froze over tho, cos I'm not a poet at all. But I hope I can at least encourage you to keep on writing, this has a lot of potential and it's not about Love or Sex fgs LOL.
Anyone who wants to write a horror story should read and take part in this poll. I have found it VERY helpful, though I've never written a horror story I am now definetely inclined to do so. Also I find it interesting that teen horror, ie the gory stuff, isn't what people here, at least 28 of them, want to read. That's 28 people who would read this kind of horror story if it were written. Nice job. And, Thank You
This is a really deep poem, written in a simplistic, uncluttered form. It's very clear what the intention is, one doesn't have to decipher it. I even get that he was a drummer and that you made music together. What a loving thing to say: "I don't want you to cry for me..."
The pain of death is felt by those who live and clearly it is a huge part of life. The narrator doesn't say I can't live without you, but rather that he looks forward to a time when he won't have to. He is patient and yet yearning. Very intense.
I enjoyed your poem very much and found no "errors". There is a place where the meter is just a little off (and that is even saying too much about it) For example:
I need you to give me a sign >> in this stanza, this line is third and much longer in syllables than the others. It can be done, but it takes effort. Mind you I'm no poet, but I wonder if you could say: Give me a sign, so I can stop being sore...
Just a suggestion.
No misspelled words or missed grammar here. A nice, easy read (for us non-poets who appreciate being able to understand what is being said LOL)
Thanks
Nice Job, really nice
OOO scarey. This is a really cool twist. He seems to be awaiting bad people coming after him, or perhaps the good guys if he's the bad guy. He just assumes that it will be humans on his scent. I love that!
I have one suggestion, just one lol.
In the bathroom the narrator first says there is one shadow, then two, then only one attacker. You might want to look that bit over and see if it's one or two or perhaps both -- as if possible!
I really like this short. It's very touching and I jerked at least one tear, but rolled it back in order to be constructive. I think there is more here, perhaps more description of the town or of the homeless man. But the story still stands the way it is. Nice job.
Suggestions:
Instead of house owners, home owners (only because it's easier to say LOL)
I thought these things might work a little smoother, but they are only suggestions:
fast moving fire men >>> fast moving firemen
Police Chief Sanderson, and another officer, who >> Police Chief Sanderson and another officer, who...
we scattered to our homes, along with the rest of the onlookers. >>> we and the other onlookers scattered to our homes.
I walked into the kitchen for a bite to eat, since my parents were both working.>>> I walked into the kitchen for a bite to eat. My parents had already left for work.
What a wonderful, sweet, memory filled story. I was jerking a tear at the third paragraph. It is amazingly full of emotional context. The empty lake, the dilapitated wharf and the dreary fog all fill my heart with a real sense of belonging -- though one would think that the scene was devoid of life -- its plainness (is this a word?) is filled with a longing and a need. The lake doesn't need fish because it's filled with love.
I love everything you did with this story -- MORE MORE MORE lol. I always want these stories to be longer. My favorite thing is when I come across a word that I've never seen before. Believe or not, this isn't easy. This is a word that I don't know, but will be learning about in a few seconds after I wrap this up. I'm on my way to dictionary.com LOL.
Moribund
What a great world to write in. It inspires me to write about my home here in Southern Oregon. I'm so glad that I read this because I've been wandering around trying to think of something to write about lately, other than the novel, and this has really just set my muse on fire.
I think i would call this the "Shepherd's Curse", only because it seems these kids are truly cursed.
I like the story but I want so much more LOL (I always do). Perhaps more detail about their lives together, the fun times, character building stuff -- stuff to make you fall in love with them so that when the curse starts to hit them you are involved in their lives -- expecting them to be friends forever.
Well written, no major grammar that I can see! I am a bit confused about the spelling of some of the words. I can see, though, that most of the words my brain is questioning are simply English spelling, but some I think not!
Very nice. While it's a ghost story (which I love) it is also a great and sweat homage to soldiers. My favorite part is how the young man, Alex waits not really knowing what he's waiting for but at the same time displaying infinite patience and forgiveness. He doesn't dwell on his own problem, only shows that it exists.
My favorite line: "Time seems to be broken." How confusing and terrifying it would be to not understand the passage of time -- not have a way of measuring it because it's become variable and untrustworthy.
Goosebumps. I have goosebumps. This is really well written. I like the way the reader is as confused as Sarah. You drag us through Sarah's eyes and show us the places she dwells in. In the end it's reminiscent of a movie I once saw but can't remember the name of.
I love ghost stories, but they have to be well written and imaginative. This story fits the bill very well. Good luck on the contest and keep writing.
This is cool. We all talk about our life flashing before our eyes. In this written form it is highly emotionaly charged and very well written. I appreciate the way that everything outside of Bob is in italics, it separates them from his reality.
One typo, "to the pond a play." The second to last word in the piece. Better fix that so it doesn't leave a bad impression
That was a great set up. I don't see any errors, unless there's only one space after sentences??? I can't really tell on these pages. I think you need a comma after Pardon me
I hate trying to critque comedy -- iffen the comedy is funny that is. I have to read everything enough times that I stop laughing. It took a while with this one.
OMG, it's worth spelling out >>> OH MY GOD LMFAO. I'm laughing so hard that my sides hurt. That was literary genius. If they'd had a class on you in college I would've stayed for the MA
ROTFL
Favo line:
when it struck me funny that this must be what my puppy goes through when he needs to crap.
Genre? Easy -- erotica! LOL. I like the way this poem is tall and skinny! (I wish I was ROTFL) This is interesting. It has a real a waltz beat to it out loud. (I don't know if you read out loud but if you do you might know what Imean.)
It's like One two three, one two three... Even where there isn't a word in place of the beat the beat is still there -- like an exhale.
ROTFL, I'm sorry if you want me to say that this is bad. This is, this is, this should be sent to Dennis Leary, with a threat note that says if he doesn't pay you you're going to kill him or something. This is wonderful. Sorry, really it is fantastic. Awesome -- sorry. LOL
Yeah (with a great deal of giddiness) Shylyn is back. I just love Shylyn LOL. I think you can take out the parenthetical statement and just keep describing her. "she held her floppy, black ears forward..." You already wrote "wag her stub-tail" etc... And then the front covers a rotti pup. There's a couple of painters out there that will paint your dog from a photograph, maybe you can get one to do it for the covers!
Very well written. I love the style of addressing the reader directly. It's much more personal and brings the reader into a conversation with the writer. I'd like to know a little more about the girls and the aftermath -- perhaps some more describtion about the conversation with the teacher, but the story stands on its own without that. (I always wanna hear more of a great story)
three confusing passages --
suggested we started sessions --> suggested we start sessions
those old friends involved --> those old friends who were involved
mischievous spirits through who can --> mischievous spirits through whom one can (OR) mischievous spirits through which one can
This is "sort of" written in diary style but there are some tense problems. Unfortunately, staying in "present perfect" is extrodinarily difficult sometimes. The desire to go back and forth almost forces a person to write in past tense. But there are some tense slips throughout the piece. With the titles at the beginning of each section one expects a past tense style monologue describing events as they happened, but that isn't what happens here. I think if you went over this a few times with a fine tooth comb you could make it stay in present perfect - but I think it would be a more "comfortable" read in past tense.
In the perfect form you have to use helper verbs. Hears an example of where I think one is missing:
She still hasn't taken >> She had still not taken her eyes off him...
The story is really interesting -- who doesn't sit like that and imagine a whole world with just a few gestures and smiles. I think this could be a really original piece and well worth the really really hard work ahead. I like the story a lot -- keep it up. You've picked a difficult way to convey a story so more power to you!
Very impactful. At first you get a sense that this is a silly-let's go shopping girls- kind of limmeric, but then reality kicks in and takes you to the bank.
I like the additional two lines at the end. It's a real feeling. The shopping haunts us. It's almost sad that many of us fill our own sense of emptiness by making our lives harder by spending what little we have and what others trust us with.
This is coming along very well. I don't see any mistakes. The first line of the last stanza is a little bit rough to read. I would suggest a bridge after every third stanza to draw all the characters to a single source. And please more stanzas. I want to read more I can hear in my head how these people will be drawn together. It's very inspirational -- and wise.
I absolutely love this. The message here is so powerful and clear. It's really interesting how you pull and tug at the audience (reader).
If I changed anything I would find a way to force the word processor placement of the physical text so that repetitive text appears the same way throughout. I'm only talking about appearance of the shape of the text on the page -- I think it would enhance this piece.
BUT the words do it for me on their own as well. Each phrase has its own impact -- it pushes emotions around in the head. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be discriminated against for race or religion. The discrimination I feel is totally about being a woman. Thank you for these important words. Everyone stand up and Speak!
This is great, if short. It says everything with so few words. You appear to have a great ability to be consise. I am not so blessed LOL.
This sounds/reads like a bucket filled with hope has landed upon you, if so then Bless You and get out there and live.
Many people find writing to be the absolute most important part of recovery from so many things.
Putting these lines in all caps indicates a "shouting from the rooftops" type of feeling.
Clearly stated, emotionally fullfilling and gripping. Well done and welcome to writingdotcom. I'm a new member also and I have found it best to just dive right in and push buttons at the top of the screen to find out what's going on around here!
Karen
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kj_hamnik
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 2:31am on May 18, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
