I was laughing and cringing for them poor boys (lol) and totally interested. I read it out loud to my friends and they were laughing too! The answer to the question about whether I would read more? Uhm YEAH! LOL.
I think this works really well as a prologue. It's written totally in the NYC detective style (even though they aren't the "good guys" yet!) I would suggest the chapters be short as well -- not for my own personal reasons, but just because it would seem to fit the genre.
This honestly makes me want to get out my old detective books and start reading them.
So, uhm, how long do ya think till we get more??????
Oooo! Very intrigueing -- and very easy to read. So many questions about the next part!!!! LOL How did he.. I mean.. Where did his new tongue come from, because ew! LMAO.
My favorite part about this story is that it isn't gory. If it were gory I would wonder how he could remember the gore. Nice job of staying with the first-person narrator.
I chuckled about the cops just doing whatever they were told. I haven't really found them to be quite so cooperative. Guess I don't have the mystique factor!!! (Interviewing cops for a novel isn't the same as being interviewed by cops so no real experience at being questioned!)
I haven't seen a grammar or spelling error in two read-thru's -- very good!
I like the point of this story. I think it's interesting how the piece is conversational but really doesn't have a great deal of conversation in it . It shows, clearly, how this can be accomplished. "Don't just have a conversation -- describe it and make the reader a part of it!" That is one of the notes I wrote on the wall in my writing room. I keep notes about things to remember, points of grammar that I'm particularly bad at and words that I can't convince my brain to spell the same way twice!
At the same time you are conveying this important message to writer's you are creating a character that is simpathetic and well rounded for the readers to enjoy. Another great combination of writing styles that I enjoy.
"As the years crept by..." In this paragraph, in three separate instances, you choose to repeat the modifiers twice. It's the only place in the story where it's noticeable. I enjoy the impact that it has. Probably, you were thinking I would chide that -- being that it's grammatically weird! LOL. In fact, I think it adds a tempo to the middle of the story that pushes the plot forward.
Two grammatical things of dubious nature:
fantastical, and sometimes horrifying, creatures -- I wonder if the second comma should go before "horrifying". I don't say yes immediately because it does change a part of the meaning of the sentence.
Slowly, they passed him... I wonder if this sentence wouldn't be better off split into two sentences or rearranged so that it doesn't feel like a run-on (even though it isn't -- everything after the second comma is a dependent clause!)
Great read! Thank you. I found you site by reading the Most active reviewers list.
As I'm reading this short story I'm remembering how I put together the hospital scenes in my novel, after the main character is caught and hospitalized he must go over everything that has happened. When I got to the end I realized why it reminded of that. The character is innocent. He remembers planted memories and you write this very well. I almost feel ashamed at first of not "finding him guilty" in my own mind but the gut feelings are there. All is not even close to what it seems.
My favorite part of this piece is the short, abruptive sentences that lightly color the text with a sense of urgency and panic. That real sense of being "Out of sight, out of mind" is conveyed throughout the text and accentuated by the statement.
There's just a couple of extra added words in the text -- words that don't belong to the sentence but our heads make us type them anawares -- anyway! Geez I can't explain nutin t'day -- here's the example of what I mean:
before I get a chance to do try that appeal
That line wasn't very easy to find again -- a testament to how well written this is.
Very cool. Part 2?????
I found your site by checking the Most active reviewers list. You're a busy person!
Really quickly about the "note" at the end. All poetry reflects the life and personality of the poet. It is in fact a type of autobiography. Some poetry that is lyrical doesn't really follow this, but I think lyrics are really easy to recognize. I would take the note at the end away, simply because it draws the reader's experience away from the personal.
I'm really intrigued by the form of the poem. I'm, as I've said about 15 times now, learning poetry here at WDC and still, every poem I've read has been written differently. I think that's a testament to what I said before about poems reflecting their writers.
Its unseen firnament aflmae in an unconquered glaze (this one line seems to have a couple of errors. Its unseen firmament aflame in an unconquered gaze -- is that right?)
Very interesting. It needs some work to make it flow a little better, but it's certainly worth working on. Welcome to WDC, btw. I hope this helped. As always, reading poetry helps me and is therefore rewarding in any form!
I'm learning poetry. It's amazing. Every single piece of poetry that I've reviewed on WDC has been written differently. Some of them are obviousely following patterns that I heard about in passing at college, BUT most don't and therefore I don't know LOL. Right after 9/11 I wrote a piece for Poetry.com's annual book. I must say it was the only time I've been inspired to write poetry. I used to write lyrics but somehow that's very different.
I love the sentiment in this poem. I'm slightly confused about the "shackles", my first response to that was that the guys and gals out there are all volunteers (professional military). Then my mind slipped back to reallity and I remembered that this site is international and there's no real way, that I've found, of determining which type of English this is written in, where it was written or really, by whom! I'm expanding my mind because of pieces like this. Thank you!
This is very short but absolutely thorough. It's actually really well put together. What I mean is you don't impose your personal meaning in the verse. One cannot tell if it's written from man to woman, woman to man or any combination thereof. I don't think you "need" a comma after Then in the second stanza:
Then your pain transferred
to me...
You have shown a real gift here for putting into words what so many people struggle with. I scream and rant and rave (like any crazy artist) and while I don't get immediate relief I can clearly see that I have "transferred my pain" as you say. Maybe in a couple more YEARS of reading poetry I might be able to do it??? My style is long form -- can ya tell? LOL
Trippy!. Wow, I was totally into the seaside story. I was even imagining something sinister but never in my wildest imaginings did I think Sci-fi!!!!!! << Can't really do enough exclamations for this one. I really only have one suggestion that covers the whole piece. You need to go back and check your commas. The first one in the piece I think should be either a colon or a second sentence. My favorite part of this piece is how Alison turns her imagination on and off. I remember when we kids we would always say, "Wait, let's pretend that..." We would set the rules for the pretend play. Your story reminded me of that.
Thanks, Karen
I'm always interested in knowing how much my fellow writers torture themselves. My real answer wasn't available. I probably write at least forty hours a week but unfortunately I don't make a living at it yet. LOL. I write at night mostly but sometimes day is just an extension of the night before (stole that line from Michael Shanks of Stargate he said it at a convention..) But tis true none-the-less. I cut myself a lot of slack cos tho i don't have kids the dogs WILL NOT LET ME WORK. Sometimes I swear to God Almighty I'm never gonna be published until the dogs have died of old age. I do set a time when I mean business. I've been in the website for only a few days and I gotta tell ya, it's increased my writing time by a tremendous amount. In just a few short days I've learned more about writing from reading reviews and reviewing than I have in the past five years. I did go to college (and graduate LOL) I read a lot in college but the most helpful class was an advanced writing class where the prof was Craig Wright (a published author). I don't know how old the kids are but maybe you can take advantage of a course at your local community college -- they usually have a course on novel writing which is more about getting published than anything else. It's really informative. Thanks for the poll. Glad I fall in the 53 percentile LOL. Cheers.
I'm doing all fun stuff today cos I'm a little blue. This piece is just wonderful. After I stopped laughing and stopped chuckling and then giggling I read it again and I can't find any errors AT ALL it's fantastic. I'm so glad I read this first. It just made me feel better. Thank you. My favorite part is the fourth stanza. She doesn't even stop to consider anything at all. This isn't her first dog and pony show with her husband and it's hilarious how she basically does the same thing but she's committing and act of vengence. LOL This is great (Sorry, can't spell today)
Stop what you're doing and write children's books for a living. This is wonderful (I'm biased cos I have, love and live with three dogs).
What's Shylyn gonna do next. Golly gosh how many children's books would that be? Shylyn learns to sit (still!), Shylyn finds out where Daddy goes. Shylyn steals Mommy's blanket. On and on. This is rich stuff. What a neat way to look at the world. Shorten the sentences, make the grammar "younger" (lol Gosh that would be difficult for me), find an artist and start making money.
Wow, what was the question again? I'm not sure anymore. This is a complete piece of, uhm, short story? Uh, Poetry?? Stunning. What really amazed me was my first thought: Was it about dialogue? Ooo, A mono-dialogue. This is very trippy and well written. I really can feel the deep emotion in this piece.
The title of the piece makes you think he's just sitting there on the couch talking to his dead wife. It never occurs to either her or the reader that he's killing himself and their kids. Does one really wonder what people who do that are thinking at the time? I suppose in a macbre way we all want to know. Well, I don't anymore but this piece has enriched my mind with new thoughts and taught me about a new charactor that wasn't in my head before. Thank you. (Muses are everywhere when the mind is open to new things!)
1st notion: I really like the title! Jones and Myles are very well put together, but I'm afraid it's cos they're a cliche. Don't get me wrong, I love a great cliche and this one serves SO many genres it's like "common knowledge" the cop in the southern town in charge is the fat guy and his partner is a stick -- comedy even in terribly horrifying drama is always useful to the reader. Still loving and still reading...
"I swear I wouldn't say a word to anyone, not even to anyone else in the squad." I think it's "won't say a word..." WAIT are they fishing now? OOO, nice sarcasm to metaphore to sarcasm change, you had me going there... Onward...
dyslectic, sleaziest -- think these are misspelled, you need to check the doc on a word processor if you can.
One other "erm" is the grammar. Most of the grammar in this doc is perfect. There are a couple of slips of charactor versus writer in here. One is this: "" Myles grinned. Weren't many rooks that could compete in a "dissing" match with an old vet, he thought, as he got into the unmarked car on the passenger side. Eddie had seniority and always made Jones drive. "" This is Myles thought so it's okay for it to be in his diction but, look at this: Myles ginned to himself, 'weren't many rooks that could compete in a dissing match with an old vet', he thought as he got into the passenger side of the unmarked police car. (BTW thought they were in the car until I read this part, but now realize they were still in the "tagueria"!)
Most of the time I would stop reading at this point, but this is such a great story and a full, deep environment that my brain is just fixing stuff as it goes. I actually had to read this entire thing twice to find the grammar stuff. This is a great story. Publishable (is this a word?) not yet, but that's only an editing job. The best thing of all is that you write just like me -- which is weird. I'm a 40 yr old graduate of English Lit whose written a couple of (unpublished books) and I'm a girl! LOL I have to go read your site now to see if we're alike. By the way, I'm not trying to be an English professor -- if you want one email me! I love your story!
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