The raw honesty really comes through and sometimes that can overshadow any technical troubles in grammar, punctuation and the like. I can only really comment on how I feel when i read and your piece was emotional. Well done!
The following is only based on my opinions. I am not an expert, just someone who loves to read....
This is a prologue to a story involving a male boss and his female employee. Setting the stage and providing small details to draw the reader in. I really liked the way you described the characters, I could see the efficiency and elegance of Susan in my mind.
Punctuation and grammar are not my strong suit but it felt like it read well. Nothing stood out at least.
I could see myself picking this up at the library or the bookstore and taking it home based on the description provided here.
Although I would suggest something more action-oriented to draw the reader in right from the get-go. I'm not sure what you plan on writing in regards to trouble or deal ruining, but it may be beneficial to throw it in the beginning, or at least hint at it. "Susan was a country girl, who had no idea she was about to cost her beloved company millions".... for example. It draws the reader in and gets an OMG response right away which makes us want to keep reading.
Regardless, great start! Strong voice and strong descriptions.
I loved this, it was easy to read, the rhyming flowed and it made perfect sense. The ending was hilarious and overall I just think this was a great piece. Thanks so much for sharing and good luck on that resolution!
Your writing evokes a strong emotion, I can feel the rage when I read this. The visual imagery is strong and vibrant. I don't usually review poetry as I am not a poet. Most of the time I get bored reading through it and just walk away. But, yours had me captured through to the last line. That's impressive in my book.
I am a newbie myself and I don't have a lot of experience with poetry but I wanted to share my own thoughts and impressions regarding your work.
My initial impression was of sadness, I can feel the pain of loss in your words.
My favorite line was "Like crystalized tears kept in a jar", I don't know, something about the idea of tears in a jar makes my heart ache.
My best criticism would just be that spacing may be helpful. I found myself getting lost due to the length of the item and spacing at the right moment may punctuate/accentuate and make it easier for your reader to really connect with your work.
Thanks so much for sharing your work. I know how nerve-wracking it can be! Keep writing, you have a unique voice!
Great use of language and descriptive metaphors. They definitely painted a picture (and a yummy one at that!). I can imagine this being just a hint of something bigger, some sort of empowered chicklit. I would love to see more of your work.
My only critique would be that I am unsure as to the motivation here. Why was she sleeping on his couch? Are they involved? It wasn't actually explained. Which is why I think it could be a bigger story, but here it kind of left me hanging...
This is quite an in-depth story you have started! It is lengthy but I agree that in the beginning, a lot needs to be explained. I have a few questions but my advice is just that so you do not have to follow my prompt.
Your main character is "sort of" evil but also kind and caring. It may be helpful to develop him a bit more. Is he good/bad/indifferent? When you use prompts like "sort of" you weaken the strength of the sentence, pick a strong descriptor and go with it. Regardless of whether he is good or evil, it may be beneficial to go all in with it rather than trying to make him somewhere in the middle. Or if you are going to have him be grey instead of black or white. That can be described as well.
I enjoy reading through and it looks like you got a great start to it! I'm excited to see where this goes.
This was a touching story that honestly brought tears to my eyes. I felt as if I was there with you, experiencing the chill of the cold and the companionable silence. I especially love the small touch of humor added. Your writing style is mature, confident and filled with details utilizing appropriate metaphors and visual language.
I am a newbie and as such am offering to provide my opinion on your work. I usually don't review poetry because I don't know very much about it and my comments are nothing more than my impression, but your piece caught my attention and left a haunting memory.
My Overall Impression is that this is a wonderful poem style with a simple format that lulls the reader in.
No Spelling Errors/Grammar that I could find.
No suggestion other than to continue sharing your amazing talents.
I have to say that my favorite line is
'Cause we have but one day in the sunshine
Before the night comes and takes it away.
I chose the above because I enjoyed how it ties the whole piece together.
Overall I have to say that I loved reading your item because it was simple and sweet, deliciously so. It drew me in and makes me feel the emotions from love to loss. The poem was easily to follow and informed the reader of what you were thinking at the time. You've done a wonderful job expressing your thought.
I am new to the site, new to writing and especially new to reviewing! My opinions are just that and I'm hopeful that they will be beneficial.
This is an intriguing synopsis! I was hooked from the first sentence and when I was done reading it, I wanted more. I am not sure if this could be expanded out but it would definitely be a book I would pick up! It feels like a commercial, but in a good way! Spelling, grammar and punctuation all appear to be correct, at least I didn't notice anything significant as I read through it.
My only suggestion would be that you spent a lot of time on the intro, describing the two perfect mate scenarios but then it feels rushed to get through the ramifications. I think those could be elaborated on more in depth.
I'm new to the site, new to writing and new to reviewing. I am offering my opinion, nothing more nothing less. Hope that it helps.
This was an interesting experience that you describe. It sounds very introspective that one small orphan girl studying passionately about a subject that you loathed and doing it for love changed your whole perspective on life. This has great potential.
I believe that it could benefit from some polish and extra editing. It sounds when read aloud as if you were rushing to finish it. I would suggest that most grammar and punctuation could be cleared up by reading it aloud and listening for pauses to place some commas. As far as the imagery, more details could grasp the reader and draw them in. What does the orphan girl look like? What do the surroundings look like? You state that the surroundings were de-motivating and painful but you don't allow us to fully experience it with you.
I would love to see this again if you decide to edit. Thanks so much for submitting and giving us a chance to review. Keep writing, you have a unique voice that will reach someone.
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