Any story about an animal rescued touches my heart, as does yours.
I thought the overall flow (pacing) from event to event was well done up until to the epilogue.
Structure:
I believe the need to include an epilogue grew from the fact that this short story has two 'complications':
The disappearance of CAZ The adoption of CAZ by another party.
A structural solution to the pacing might be to open the story with the protagonist's misery over the adoption of CAZ by another party . The next focus could then be a flashback on how CAZ first arrived, disappeared again, turned up at the shelter (for the first time) but was then adopted by another party. Conclude with the discovery that CAZ was back in the shelter again and truly obtainable. Voilà! The epilogue is gone!
Technical Suggestions:
...five days in the summer 'in' which ...>>>REPLACE WITH: during
...February when he showed up at our back door, and sat in a snowstorm one evening....>>>UNCLEAR. Did the cat sit outside the back door all night?
...and each time I was more and more sure... >>>UNCLEAR: Each time after a veterinarian was called?
...No one answered the phone...>>>DELETE: 'the phone'.
...I left numerous messages, but none was returned...>>>No mention yet that physical visits to the shelter may have already been made. This seems illogical in view of the depth of emotion and all the other efforts to find CAZ.
This piece has some good descriptive language. You made me interested in the characters and the pacing was good.
Technical Suggestions:
She had more intension of keeping them safe than her... SUGGESTIONS: Mary had more intention of keeping her children safe than her...
2 Things to look out for: Run your spell checker! Make sure your audience knows to whom a pronoun refers.
"Mother!" shouted Edward putting Tommy in the shelter and turning round. STRUCTURE ALERT! The dialogue of a new speaker, in this case Edward, requires a new paragraph!
Edward was playing cricket outside with his father well his father did not like to call it cricket because all it was were two men batting and bowling a ball, but Edward called it cricket because he knew that secretly his father loved cricket... RUN ON SENTENCE - break up into 2 or 3 sentences
And of course the bombs and gun shots. SENTENCE FRAGMENT - needs a verb.
Her hair was tied in a high bun, but some silky brown locks hung down. NICE DESCRIPTION!
"we need you here" said Rose giving up on all the harsh talk. "Well,I don't need you" he said. Rose ignored this comment. "How did you get into the army anyway?"she asked accusingly.
GOOD DIALOGUE - but keep in mind: new speaker, new paragraph!
Pacing:
The overall pacing was quite good though I wasn't always sure where the characters were. In the beginning I thought 'Mum' was right behind Edward and Tommy. Next thing I read is that she's blown up in the house. Perhaps if you established that the three of them were in the house at the start and that 'Mum' lagged behind to get something?
You might want to elaborate on Edward's and Tommy's trek from the shelter to their Aunt's house, describing the bombed out buildings they see along the way.
What works:
This is a good story!
Pacing is good.
What doesn't work:
Grammar and spelling problems made the story less readable than it could have been. However, you already have the ability to tell a good story --something many people never achieve. Fixing up the grammar is just a technical task...
What I liked: To read "Sunny Down-Under - Western Australia" is to be seduced! Your article made me want to pick up the phone and order an air ticket.
Structure:
I liked the way you started with Western Australia and then gave the reader a pigeon's eye view of the highlights of other parts of the country. However, referring to those highlights as 'tourist traps', might be a little harsh.
I figured the city had to be Perth, but you don't mention it until the 5th paragraph.
Pacing:
I read the piece aloud to gauge the pacing. It flowed beautifully at the start but got a little bumpy towards the end where you repeated things that you had already said.
Point of View:
In the second to the last paragraph you change from 'I' to 'We'.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation Suggestions:
Sydney has its great harbour, bridge, and Opera House; Queensland’s Great Barrier Reef, Melbourne’s nightlife, all calling cards to the tourists... You use 'has' before the semicolon. I suggest you use it after as well.
...keeps our capital city enclosed by beauty... ...enclosed 'in' beauty...?
"...looking across the city, skyscrapers blending with deep, blue, river, boats, and bridges, the green hills disappearing ..." delete '-ing' words, use present tense as you did at start of sentence
...Then a quick ferry trip across the river puts us on the doorstep of Perth Zoo... - take out 'Then'?
To publish or not to publish? Tinker with the grammar, excise the redundancies and buy yourself some manilla envelopes and stamps. This has to be the kind of material travel magazines editors are looking for. If you'd like to run it by me again before you send it out, just let me know.
I can't begin to imagine the challenge you're up against as writer and mother. What you have to share here can't help but be valuable to other's attempting to raise a child (or children) and write at the same time. My hat is off to you.
Two things I liked:
The writing is useful. The advice and encouragement you're offering is much needed.
The piece is clearly structured. Listing the points was a good idea.
Two issues that you might wish to address:
There's some confusion in the writing as to whether you're speaking just for yourself or for all parents in this position.
For me, there was too much redundancy. Yet, I'm hesitant to tell you to run out and get your machete right now and chop out all of the excess --sometimes people need to have things repeated. Regardless, you might want to go through and see what can be excised without damaging the objective of the piece.
Craft issues:
"...Thankfully, ADVERB
Take out adverb?
women are remarkable beings, capable of doing multiple things with the nurturing aspects to care for a sick child and an infant novel at the same time."
break sentence in two after multiple things{i/}? Consider something like this: Women are remarkable beings. A few can even nurture a sick child and infant novel at the same time.
If you keep the original, suggest you swap out 'aspects' for 'ability'.
Parenting to include - Only tends? Excise tends{i/}?
3rd paragraph is confusing. Clarify 2nd sentence. Verify who's speaking for whom "...as a parent...our faces..."
4th paragraph: making sacrifices 'for' is vital. - Take out 'for'?
#1 - "Routine can step further than this..." -can goa step further
"...reviewing, editing, and short pieces..." - suggest "...and editing. The short pieces..."
#2 - look for redundancies
#4 "...school friends names..." - should read: friends' names.
The Mother-Writer: Two Full-Time Jobs! is a worthy piece of writing. Stick with it!
You made me laugh! An EVERLAST chastity belt? What a gift!
Continue to work on your writing skills and keep that wit of yours alive and in the future you could be entertaining thousands!
Here are some technical points:
---We all know that after a few visits from the prince results in Rapunzel getting pregnant. replace 'results in Rapunzel getting pregnant with 'Rapunzel gets pregnant'.
But this is about how ALL could win. So, technically. A chasity belt wouldn't of worked so well . (That, and girls in chasity belts died from horrible diseases)This segment is a little cumbersome. See if a rewrite will clarify and make it flow better.
As the reader, I would like to know what actual events brought you to this state of mind. Who the players are in your life? What your ambitions are, etc.?
It was the second half of your piece that really caught my interest. Consider starting the story with the segment that begins with "Brace Yourself" and then follow that paragraph with some tangible things in your life. Also, you might want to save the first part and see if you can use part or all of it later this or some other writing.
Some technical suggestions:
---burning wax beside me it's the wick of the candle that flickers, not the wax. Insert 'candle' after 'wax'?
---not get to hasty too hasty
---with nothing between us but the admission of these thoughts Can't visualize the 'admission' as coming between you and the reader...an unwillingness to make an admission, perhaps...
You've got what everybody (and I mean everybody! wants, the natural ability to write a good story.
Now, if you can get control of the English language, you might well have a bright future as a writer.
Below are a few technical suggestions:
---salty black hair - sounds like the guy's hair is actually salty. Did you mean 'salt and pepper' hair?
---of hopes that someone will find it - in the hope someone would find it
---gentleman in a black suit 'that' was built like the typical Government Geek.- replace 'that' with 'who'
---I trust you told know one. - replace 'know' with 'no'
---lets get this "town built". - quotes aren't needed
---and put them in 'there' place - replace 'there' with 'their'
---There disposable.Accidents happen. - replace 'there' with 'they are'
---I live on Jane St. in a gray 2 story house.A typical upscale suburban neighborhood right in Aberdeen. - This description slows the action!
---A knock on the door.It was UPS.The man in the friendly Brown Uniform.With a package in his left hand concealing the Glock 40 Cal. handgun fitted with a silencer in his right hand loaded with deadly black talon bullets.
The door opens up.A shot to the chest and head. - narrator can't tell this part. He's dead.
--- Karol Rove - Karl Rove
---June 24, 4 PM Oval Office
In the room is the President VP Bush,Dick Cheney and Col.John Pascale.There was tension in the room as the discuss how something so important can get lost or stolen.Col. Pascale told President Bush he had leads and the situation would be resolved quickly.
- can you find a way to insert the above segment of the last paragraph before the actual shooting?
---A knock on the Oval Office door.
Karol Rove,Senior Advisor to President Bush rushes in.
In his right hand is a large Manilla envelope.he hands it too President Bush and announces,Problem solved.
- Consider ending with: Problem solved.
- Delete part below?
Everyone smiles and sighs with relief
In the Manilla envelope the President found the memo and the note that Bill Weston was writing.
Problem Solved for them.Not for the American people.
This excerpt from the piece you're developing has some good foreshadowing of character and events to come, but in itself, it's not yet complete. Keep working on it.
When you're reviewing your work you need to ask yourself if your repeating something that's already been said.
Below are a few corrections.
--a hot July day as the sun scorched - replace with: a hot July day. The sun scorched...?
--on the porch of the house 'him' and his father - replace with: 'he' and his father...
--which is why it never made much sense to Johnny why men who were much larger than his father would step aside when they went to town. Good foreshadowing of father's character
Below are a couple of technical corrections, but your meaning comes through regardless.
I sure hope Food Not Bombs takes PayPal!
Roberta
---Why don’t they look at feeding them as a company
---Instead 'they' choose identify who 'they'are again
---Instead they choose to cause conflict, calling the police and eliciting
---It’s bad enough that they’re homeless
---“In a Universe of Justice the Eyes of Truth are ALWAYS WATCHING YOU”-Enigma - Where does this quote come from? Does it strengthen the meaning you're attempting to convey in this paragraph?
---We provide food to the homeless and hungry, at actions in support of Native American and aboriginal land struggles and we feed people defending the earth. - Is this supposed to be two sentences? is a verb missing after the comma? I was confused by the grammar.
This is good material. While maintaining an even rhythm - rather like the pace at which Seamus walked - you were able to build the tension and foreshadow the terrible event at the end of the chapter.
I got the reference to 'English Wolves' early on but you cleverly deflected my attention from them by Seamus's thoughts about Connell. I figured that a real wolf was going to be hauling the baby away at the end of the story.
Below are some technical suggestion but there's one recurring grammatical problem you might want to watch out for - When you use a pronoun, make sure it's not referring back to the SUBJECT of the previous sentence or clause and not{/} referring back to the object of a preposition. See the XX technical comment below.
Roberta
One more thing... Your descriptions are great. But you knew that, right?
--just to the left of it laid lay?Séamus and Treasa affectionately in bed.
--stories of success of its inhabitants that appeared to flow take out 'appeared'?
XX it had been their goal over the last two hundred years to rid Eire of the Eireann - to avoid confusion, suggest you replace 'their' with 'the goal of the English'
--and the sun’s rays began to glow through the- take out 'began'?
-- intensely saturated air. - saturated with what?
--both the four and two legged kind. - unclear whether you're referring to sheep or wolves
--As opposed to some of the winter pastures, many of which were more than an hour away. - fragment?
--of the mutton and spuds Treasa - would 'spuds' be a word the protagonist might have used? Myself, I don't know.
Really appreciate your story. Some of the descriptions are mouth watering.
I, too, played kick-the-can with the neighborhood children in 1951. Wish we'd had a river full of 'crabs' in the neighborhood, but we didn't -just a miniature golf course on the corner.
Have you found a place to publish this yet? There must be a publication in the vicinity of Fond Du Lac whose readers would enjoy the nostalgia. If not, try the AARP publications. Who knows, you might catch a crabby but willing editor?
Below are several technical comments for you to accept or ignore.
--and our generation knew instinctively how to enjoy it
'my' generation, consider taking out adverb 'instinctively'
--into the riparian realm.
I know what 'riparian' means but it might be better for your readers if you give the actualdescription, e.g. trees hovering over, etc. - some of which you've already done.
--Being too short to conduct business over the meat case, I stood at one end and watched as Mr. B selected a nickel-sized hunk for me. He always wore a white starched hat shaped like the ones we made from folded paper, and a white apron, which, by the time I came in, was stained with the blood of his work.
nice description but consider deleting 'of his work' - where else would the blood come from?
--He knew me and my purpose. We made idle conversation and I assumed that if he had grown up in the neighborhood, he likely had first-hand experience with kidney and the Twelfth Street Bridge. He turned to the worktable along the back wall where he wrapped my purchase in white paper torn from the big roll and secured the neat folds with string from the cone on the nearby spindle. The transaction was brief, cost five cents, and provided fodder for hours of idle diversion the next day.
great paragraph!
--or an unusually tenacious critter.
what kind of critter? The flow of the story is getting better and better as I read
--Cambarus diogenes, we called 'em crabs.
Latin name takes reader out of the kid mindset
--sufficient to create a jagged gash in the lower levels of the atmosphere.
description may be a little heavy for the situation, consider deleting?
--the assembled fleet of fishers
confusing - all of a sudden I was visualizing fishing boats on Lake Fond du Lac - replace with 'we'?
--The other point of abstraction was the eventual fate of maunderers that drifted in and out of view.
Had to look up 'maunderers' and still am not sure what you're saying in this sentence.
-- It was somewhat akin to that perverse need to touch ones tongue to metal playground equipment in sub-freezing temperatures.
Not sure this sentence adds to the story.
--large enough *on which* to plant at least one foot.
Not sure you need 'on which'.
--to the far side and summoned us with siren song.
'that summoned', otherwise it's the stones that are summoning
I enjoyed the freshness of hearing just the voice of the one character, but in the beginning was confused by this technique.
Also, end quotes are missing in several places which made me wonder whether the speaker was actually saying something or just thinking it. Was that your intention?
A thought I had that added to the story's interest for me was that the speaker might actually be talking to his/her doppelganger.
The idea of the piece is good but I feel it needs elaboration - perhaps some internal monologue? - to be better.
I selected your story for review (my first review on writing.com) because I spent a lot of time in Africa - 2 years in Zambia, 4 in Liberia in the '60's and '70's.
Not in my wildest dreams could I have anticipated what you have written here. Your ability to evoke compassion through description is astounding; but, the biggest compliment I can pay you is to say that what you've written here 'rings true'.
Some recommendations:
To get your audience to empathize, you need only show what you see and feel. Political and moral commentary should be reserved for a separate writing.
Keep a copy of the piece you've posted here just in case you overwork it at a later date and need to come to the original!
Small technical corrections.
--redundancies need to be winnowed out, but slowly!
--next-morning('s) post-party rubble.
--sandy (wrong word? can't see it)country’s capital
--air is little (? wrong word?) up here
--The(y are burning the garbage. The aforementioned - out?) men,
--women and children that (who) actually
---And they’re picking. (They're picking at the garbage.)
--because of (delete 'of') the dark green and brown goo rising (rises) up around my all-stars.
--I glace (glance) around
--and some Africans find white people crying borderline offensive. Most of them don’t want pity. Life is hard, yes, but they want my money, my help, my medicine; they don’t want my pity.(save this segment for another story It deflects from the depth of your emotion at that moment when you say 'I might break down.')
--perhaps (may be)happier than those of us with everything. - I'd stop the story here.
Whatever you do, keep writing. You have something to say! Roberta
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I believe the need to include an epilogue grew from the fact that this short story has two 'complications':