*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lauriemariepee
Review Requests: OFF
136 Public Reviews Given
219 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Abyss  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

"leviathans"--another folder title laden with depth and darkness. awesome!
i'm loving your nautical theme with these names, they lend your port (ha! "port"--see? i get it! *Delight*) a cohesive theme, and one which we can all associate with any genre. yours usually happens to be horror, so naturally i'm imagining all the creatures and forces of the deep...*shudder*
once again, i'm rethinking my port design! thank you. *Bigsmile*
2
2
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
bwaa!! what a romp!

my favorite bit:
"My hair's never right, my face is a fright
And I prance around the clover!"

i always loved frankenstein. *Heart*
thanks for the chuckles and grins, webwitch. *Bigsmile*
and congrats on winning today's contest! *Thumbsup*
3
3
Review of Stand Off  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
hey, missy!

all right, here's #3--

this story was a blast--one of the strongest openings i've read in a long time, by anyone, published or not. wonderful tension, had that hairtrigger feel to it. outstanding.

""I need for you to listen to me, please. That's what I need, right now; you, listening to me. It's the only way forward. Can you do that? Can we try to understand one another? Can you listen?"

Corvey licked a bead of salty sweat from his upper lip and nodded, unblinkingly, at the olive skinned young man in front of him. "Yes. Yes, I can do that." His voice sounded more confident than he felt. "But I need you to listen to me first. Do we have a deal?"

"Go ahead, but you should know that my arms are getting tired and we don't want that to lead to any unpleasantness now, do we?""

we know right off these two men feel desperate as they negotiate with each other, almost begging the other to stay cool. we don't have a hint of the stakes, though, until the last line above about ". . . any unpleasantness . . .". good trip word. it's a cliche, but a strong and exciting one--i wondered for a moment if mobsters were involved, because of the pop culture associations with the phrase.
i wonder if moving mention of the gun barrel right to the fore would clarify the situation just a bit more? maybe i'm being too american about it, but a gun barrel in a first sentence will grab anyone's attention, i'll wager.

"Corvey looked down at the cold, grey, metal barrel of the twelve bore shot gun and shook his head so slightly that only his greying curls moved. He tore his gaze away from its dispassionate end to the conversation and looked once more at the man beyond it.

"This is my home." He began, looking for a way to convey all that the simple statement implied. "I'm retired. I have lost more people in my life than I have gained. The world is full of horror and fear, but not (and this is what I really need you to grasp), but not here. This is all I have. My home. My sanctuary. My little piece of England. You scare me. You have invaded my sanctuary.""

you create a wonderful feint, leading us down a somewhat expected path--we think we know what's going on, here. a young man, desperate for goods and/or money, has broken into an older man's home. we assume. you play on our tendencies well, and the potential horror of the situation boosts your feint. very well done.

" . . . twelve bore shot gun . . .": i think "twelve bore" should likely be hyphenated, and that "shot gun" is one word.

your writing is so clear, so efficient--no wasted words, and your dialogue feels very real in the rhythm of speech and repetition of particular words. the desperation (keep using that word, don't i?) comes through in their words and your details (beads of sweat).

i loved: ". . . its dispassionate end . . ." chilling, and we can easily imagine facing the possibility ourselves. oof. i also liked your quick description of each character--enough specifics to keep them separate in our minds as we read, but not so much the tension drains out of the story. difficult to pull off.

"Corvey paused. His eye was ticking and another bead of sweat was forming at the end of his nose, but he felt stronger now, somehow. "Just leave. Don't ever come back. We don't need to get the police involved." His eyes flickered toward the gun and he wished it away.

The young man looked at him quizzically. "And so that's it, is it? We had a deal. Now you listen; I have nothing and it doesn't matter. I only want to use what other people don't use. See this wall?" He dipped his head toward it and readjusted his grip. "Is this really you keeping people like me out? The world will allways be out there and this wall is just a tomb to you. Something penning you in and cutting you off from the world."

"But it's my wall," whispered Corvey.

"Only from your side," laughed the young man.

"You're a vandal. You'll break it.""

the dialogue here is great! feels like a real conversation, the give and take. i liked very much the different positions on "home" these men have--one built on security, the other on freedom.

you also convey the ebb and flow of the men's emotions through their words. ""But it's my wall,"" is plaintive, almost childlike, and that corvey's whispering at this point is powerful. i couldn't wait to find out what happened next.

i did think something was different, here. the path i thought this story was moving along suddenly felt not as familiar--what was this young man wanting this wall for, anyway? why is the wall such a big deal? i assumed he wanted stuff. i love that tingle of perking up at a turn in a story. i was gripped before, caught up in the tension & emotion, and now my brain was working, too. you woke me all the way up.

"feeling the blood ooze back into protesting muscles"
is an awesome description. just had to point that out. these characters feel so real because of bits like this. their humanity is so clear.

i admit, after discovering the young man's true intention, i was a bit de-energized. a clever and completely believable conclusion, for sure, but after the tension and excitement, i guess i was hoping for a more life & death solution--that the assumed struggle between these men was the actual struggle, and that they really were fighting for their respective beliefs in what "sanctuary" was. that their needs were opposed and exclusive of the other's--if one man got what he wanted, the other would necessarily lose out. i wanted to discover a solution to that situation, and the one presented was real, and true, but not quite as groundbreaking as i'd been wanting. jeez, i hope this makes sense.

"The young man raised his eyebrows and looked at the gun.

Corvey shrugged, 'Well I'm glad we talked."

"So am I. Can I use your wall?""

i loved the raised eyebrows--funny and eloquent. and placing these two back in their original positions-- talking about the wall-- but without the same tension between them, made a satisfying end to the story. felt almost like a stage play, in that respect.

you are so good with twists, and following the path of your story was delightful--your writing's so good, acme. seriously. thanks for another wonderful read!
4
4
Review of Jake  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
hi, mike--
wow!! what a powerful, disturbing, seamless story. really well done. perfect pacing, setting of scene and building tension--i loved every moment of it. even having read storues with similar elements, and the hints leading to the conclusion, i was surprised by the bathroom scene and jeremy's processing of what had happened.
has this been published yet?

thanks for the harrowing read. *Bigsmile*
5
5
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (4.5)
hi, Dave --

thanks for your lovely entry for this month's terrace assignment! i'm reading entries and offering feedback this evening, and will announce the winner in a little bit.

i enjoyed this poem very much, the measured pace, the moments of alliteration, the almost meditative and certainly reverent feel of the subject.

"I am the love in a devoted dad’s heart
as he firmly reclaims my rusty frame
from a pile of abandoned junk and starts
to remove all the grime and greasy gunk
before earnestly refurbishing by hand.

Amidst the vapors of turpentine and oil,
he toils with paint scraper and sandpaper.
He’s softly humming a hymn as he straightens
my bent fender and tightens loose spokes with his wrench.
Then a coat of powder blue paint with black trim,
chrome handlebars, a well-oiled chain, and pristine tires
render my splendor as good as new."

your first stanzas set the pace and feel, and perspective. your decision to write from the bicycle's point of view works well, adding a mystical quality to this labor of love. this bicycle is a metaphor for unconditional love, generosity, faith, and you express that with a subtle touch. i also like the delineation of the repair, the even steps. this work is simple and noble, for a purpose.

"I’m the light in a child’s eye on Christmas morn
seeing me adorned with a big red ribbon
beside the tree with its dazzling light display
twinkling brightly and fresh-cut pine fragrance.

I am the joy in that child’s voice at my response
to his first push against the pedal blocks under
the steadying grasp of his trusted dad,
oblivious to the snow and icicles
on the old oaks hanging over the country lane,
putting the crowning touch on my resplendent
bicycle renaissance."

and we shift to the one receiving this gift--a bicycle, sure, but much more. in his heart, this boy understands his father's giving of his own heart and that makes this poem a beautiful expression. that unspoken gift.

i faltered only a little at "trusted dad", at the passive wording. i felt a little removed from the rich emotion through the rest of the poem, here. i don't know how to fix this without adjusting the pov, and that would be problematic, affecting the structure and tone of the piece. don't wanna do that. *Wink*

the last stanza contains my favorite lines:
"...oblivious to the snow and icicles
on the old oaks hanging over the country lane,
putting the crowning touch on my resplendent
bicycle renaissance."

just lovely, dave. you bring me in with your descriptions and sense of place. i can picture this tree-lined winter street, the boy and his father sharing this gift. a moment captured.

your references to christmas and the devoted father, the man working with his hands on a simple yet meaningful task--all contribute to a spiritual feel, which adds emotional weight to the piece, as well.

thank you so much for the read--i feel all squishy and generous of heart, now. *Bigsmile* i wish i had more constructive feedback for you, but i noticed no errors, and the free verse form fits the subject and tone well. great word choices, the aforementioned alliteration to add humor and rhythm, reminding us the bicycle is fundamentally mechanical--that the love here exists between the boy and his dad. *Heart*
6
6
Review of Clock Work  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (4.0)
hi, Brandon Morgan --
i liked this mysterious beginning of what i figure is gonna be a much larger story. thanks for submitting it for this month's terrace assignment.

i'll be reading and offering feedback this evening, and announcing the winner tomorrow sometime. best of luck!

from the start we feel we're in another time, the image of a watchmaker working at his table setting us back decades. i'm sure watchmakers today still work at tables in shops, but this feels quintessentially old-fashioned, or even european. for some reason, i flashed on the movie "cronos". interesting.

"Stopping and starting, holding no steady beat to partition time into manageable segments, the asynchronous sound grated on his nerves, on his very ego. The thought of such shoddy workmanship being present in his shop horrified and angered him. He stood to investigate, to find the culprit and rid the blight of imperfection."
you do a great job of setting pace and tone, here in the beginning. even though something odd was afoot, i felt calm. interested but relaxed, feeling confident you'd lead me where you wanted me to go in this story.

i think showing how this watchmaker works, how precise his attention, how meticulous his shop, will go farther illustrating to your readers this man's character than simply stating outright:
"The thought of such shoddy workmanship being present in his shop horrified and angered him."

in the same vein, i would caution against relying on adverbs to bring across nuance in your writing. telling your reader your character is "listening closely" communicates the plot, but showing us as if we were there in that room would bring the story even more to life. your readers would be even more invested in this character, feeling they knew him. rely on your observational skills, on your mastery of detail and human nature--when this man listens closely, how does that look? sound? what does he think?

your runaway mechanical figure (very cool escape scene, by the way) returns to its hideyhole, where we see:
"Standing still, the light blue glow of its eyes was the only sign of life in the otherwise seemingly random collection of gears, cogs, and springs."

i think i understand you're reluctant to give away the end by describing this pile of spare parts in detail, but readers will know this is no random pile of spare parts. i say go ahead and give this inanimate figure some personality right off. let us become attached, so that when it does come to life, we care.

this really is a sweet story, an odd story. i liked it very much. don't be hesitant to spread out, take the words if you need them to fully tell this story--it could be great.
to be honest, i'm not convinced this story follows this month's prompt of "first times". i do see it as a beginning, and one definitely worth reading, but i'll have to think on it.

thanks so much for your entry--i was charmed reading, and look forward to reading more of your work. *Bigsmile*
7
7
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (4.5)
hi, MD Maurice --

thanks for your fabulous entry in this month's terrace assignment! i loved this, as taken by your narrative as any roller coaster i've ridden. *Bigsmile*

i'll be reading and offering feedback on entries this evening, and announcing my selection for winning entry tomorrow. best of luck to you!

first, let me tell you how confidently you grabbed my attention, drew me in to your story. i normally don't go for setting description right out of the gate, but two specific moments won me over:
"... you would be hard pressed to ignore the screaming."
and
"“Jen, that doesn’t look like too much fun.” I said."

we instantly know this is a gut-wrenching roller-coaster, and that melissa wants no part of it. we also know she's gonna get on that sucker by the end of the story.

your description of the ride up until the drops and rises brought out to me the overlying metaphor:

"I caught glimpses of horrified faces as they hurtled straight down."
"“It goes so fast. You will LOVE it,” she insisted."
"Excited riders weaved around partitions..."
"A few steps in that direction and I’d be back on the outside, safe…"

we understand that this is a microcosm of our lives, how we approach exciting or new experiences; that some people surge into them, and others hang back out of fear. and what a shame that is, that holding back.

jill's affection for melissa comes through clearly, her gentle insistence, her knowing this is exactly what melissa needs. nicely done.

"I think I must have been raving in terror though the speed at which we were now being dropped, stopped, shot upward and dropped again, made it difficult to catch my breath. We moved fast but I was conscious of everything. My body, and worse, my mind, knew every fraction of gravity we cheated, faked and fumbled. Every movement in our jagged and horrific progression registered in painful, conscious vibrations across my heart, my stomach, and knotted intestines. Each time we came to rest, my chest fluttered with hope that the horror trek was finally over, until we jerked into movement again. The relief faded as quickly as the light."
i loved this paragraph, your vivid and apt descriptions of physical sensations on a ride like this. very realistic and graceful, somehow. (your writing is graceful, not so much the knotted intestines. *Bigsmile*)

you had very few typos/misspellings:
"... I am not scared strait..."
i think "strait" should be "straight". little things like that, and only a few.

i also appreciated your conclusion:
"Everything I had sough to free myself from, had fallen away. For the first time in a long time, my heart had ached from sheer rush of adrenaline rather than the pain of heartbreak."
wise, and a wonderful truth about heartbreak. i could see this story helping someone begin to heal from their own heartache with this vivid and true-to-life example. especially here:
"The stream of curse words I had planned to hurl at her died on my tongue. “I’m gonna need a few minutes.” I said instead."

a lovely story, MD Maurice --very well-written, and with a powerful message to boot. thanks so much for the read!
8
8
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
hi, richard--

i'll be reading everyone's entries tonight, offering some feedback, and then announcing my decision either tonight or tomorrow--best of luck!

thanks so much for this hilarious and wince-inducing entry in this month's terrace assignment! i had a blast reading this. the picture of a naked person trying to pull his socks off inside a tanning booth was priceless. honestly. *Laugh*

a few spots i especially enjoyed:

"Somehow I ended up at Hollywood Tans with my wife. Instead of waiting in the car I decided to go in and, I don't know, check the place out?"
i love how this poor man just fell into this experience, clueless, without intention. he was just there. great!

""Yeah," I lied."
oh, he's in big trouble. *Laugh*

"Alone and honestly nervous, I found tanning booths to damn small, restrictive to much, if any lateral movement. Inside the anti-chamber I placed my single-serving tanning lotion and set of gold stickers on top of a small black stool, kicked off my sneakers, and struggled with the now not so simple task of getting my socks off inside a narrow tube.

From inside I could clearly hear the booth next to me start up. "Damn." I cringed. "I'm falling behind."

I struggled out of the rest of my clothes and bit open the tanning lotion. Squeezed the coffee colored cream in to my palm and haphazardly applied it to the areas of my body I could physically get to.

"Fan." I recalled Angela telling me to turn it on, so I did. Next I pressed the little blue button set just below a blue digital number showing the tanning duration had been set for 10 minutes.

"Holy mother of God." I turned away from an angry glow of what looked like hundreds of long florescent tubes trapped behind wire fence. I fumbled for the gold stickers, peeled one off, and like a pro formed the concave cup shape required for it to be stuck in place over my eye. Forming the second eye shield wasn't as easy. I dropped it twice, having to peel it off the floor once and even formed the concave shape the wrong way resulting in the sticky part being on the outside. I wasn't going to go down like this, beaten in to panic and frustration by a tanning booth. Finally I succeeded, I had two gold stickers firmly affixed over my eyes."

okay, clearly i'm on the verge of quoting your entire story back to you, so i'll stop here. you have a relaxed, familiar style of writing, and i was entertained the entire way through.

i did notice several typos/misspellings; "to" instead of "too", that sort of thing. a stringent proofread will fix those right up.

i have mixed feelings about your introduction, to be honest. you do a lot establishing tone there, but i felt the story actually started at: "Somehow I ended up at Hollywood Tans with my wife." the setup is unnecessary, and gets the story off to a sluggish start, framing our perspective in reality ("oh, this was an assignment, that's right") rather than digging us right into the action. for the same reason, i think the very last sentence could be left out. too "framey", if that makes sense.

i feel the opposite about your ending, though! you were relating this fabulous tale, the casual pace established, and then bam--it's over. we jump from climax to denouement, without a satisfying slope to roll down. you're suffering, crabby, just home and avoiding the shower, and then you abandon us with a perfunctory conclusion. this story is perilously close to fabulous--don't stop now!

i'm starting to feel guilty for laughing at your pain, richard, but thanks again for such an entertaining story. *Bigsmile* i look forward to reading more of your work!
9
9
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
hi, bill--
what a beautiful and poignant story. thanks so much for writing this, and posting it for others to read.
my favorite part?
"He stared ahead, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. "It's harder than you can imagine. It's like dragging weights all around you, and..." He paused, his throat tightening. Not gonna cry. Not now. Time to stand firm. Yet tears had already spilled, and his voice creaked as he spoke. "I just miss them so much.""{/c
so much truth in this story, emotional and otherwise.
i also liked charon, how he shifted to become an otherworldly being as he revealed his mission to zack. not malevolent, but an unknown, and frightening because of that. really nice touch.
you also created distinct characters and their voices, the dialogue doing a lot to bring them to life. jon doe charon is an iconic character, and i could see you building a series from him and his experiences.
an all-around great piece of work--you've definitely earned your ribbon! *Thumbsup*
10
10
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (4.5)
hi, judy--
dave asked me to judge entries for assignment #40, and i'm here to give you my feedback on your essay. *Smile*

after checking over the contest categories, i'd classify this piece in 'discovery and inventions'--your personal experience with advancements in the social work industry is well-written and strong on passion, including your mixed feelings over handling conditions in the 1960's.

moments i especially liked:
"After my 3-day training was completed, I would be alone on the women’s floor with the door locked. It was scary." uhh, ulp. *Shock*

"No thought for how these women might feel about it all. No thought about rocking their security."
powerful and yes, heart-breaking.

my suggestion for this essay: your last paragraph updating us on the standards of care in the 1990's is optimistic in tone, but offers little detail or examples for us to understand how care has improved in a tangible sense.
we've learned in vivid terms how the mentally ill or infirm suffered from insensitivity and ignorance in the past--this piece would increase its power if you could add more to this last section. help us to rejoice in these advances, as you do.

a great job, judy--thanks for writing! *Thumbsup*
11
11
Review of smile  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
hi, joel--

wow! i loved this dark, demented story. you grabbed me from the start with your main character's perspective, his sneering mistreatment of his woman--and how creative he was with his torment!
a few favorite moments/lines:
"Lying there, still and mysterious on the bed. Still asleep, I want to wake you up to see your magical grin, ..."
see, we think we know where you're going with this...and then:
" I swear if you didn’t have perfect teeth I would so break up with you."
whammo! craaazyy. (singsong)

your voice is seamless. this character's obsession is pure, and twisted, his total lack of compassion chilling. i don't read many stories which grip me, keep me eager to read on, and this one did.
excellent job!

your use of repetition works well, too. certain words, like 'smile', which most people see as an expression of affection and love, is nothing but a cold obsession for this man. this dentist. love that, too--your ending makes perfect sense, and gave me a chuckle. *Thumbsup*

one grammatical suggestion for you: think about editing out 'extraneous' words, such as 'so' and 'way'. they distract from the intensity, both stylistically and grammatically.
also, if your character is well-educated (and clearly obsessed with appearances and control), these kind of modifiers conflict with how he'd process information. i imagine he'd make sure to think in clear, concise terms--he'd find a way to express extremes with more efficiency. an easy thing to fix for an otherwise wonderful, polished story. *Smile*

thanks for writing and posting, joel! you'll be receiving a port visit soon, i think. *Bigsmile*
laurie
12
12
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (5.0)
hi, phillip--

i agree, if we can adopt this philosophy down to our bones and truly respect others, regardless of their beliefs, we would make significant headway in our lifetime. the difficult issue is building trust, after so many centuries around the world of animosity, greed and ignorance.

i love your poem, and i don't go out of my way to read much poetry on wdc. i found it through the talent pond, seeing you're highlighted this month. congratulations! you clearly deserve recognition for your work. *Smile*
13
13
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (5.0)
hi, patrice!
i found a link to your essay in the latest reviewing newsletter, and wanted to let you know how useful i found your suggestions.
you've created an organized, thorough, and clearly written guide to good writing -- with illuminating exercises, to boot. *Delight*
i'll be saving this in my favorites and returning to it for reference.
thanks for writing a great article! *Bigsmile*
14
14
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
bwaaa!!! *Laugh*
hi, doug. i found your giggle-worthy story by way of the writing.comedy lounge reviewing forum, and boy, am i happy i did. *Bigsmile*

your informal tone and first person perspective added to the plot hijinx, making your story tight, cohesive, and very funny. you have a gift with physical slapstick comedy!

i only noticed one awkward phrase: "... I now affectionately call the caldron of death."
given the fast action, this degree of thought-out naming of the hair sink seemed a bit 'pre-figured' for the main character. but wow, is that a minor nit pick.

your ending was hilarious, the image of your poor MC stumbling home bloody and busted, but with fabulous hair making me grin like a fool. *Bigsmile*

great fun! *Laugh*
thanks for writing and posting your stuff. keep writing. *Smile*
15
15
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (4.5)
hi, n!
i found your poem in the newbies newsletter, and thought you did a fabulous job of it. *Bigsmile*
a sweet, romantic poem extolling love and the connection we have with our lovers, i was touched by your sincerity. *Heart*

my favorite lines:
"There is nothing that I can't see
But the world is still as dark as night
Without you beside me."

thank you for writing and posting your poem!
16
16
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
hi, connie--
you've written a poignant, sweet story.
i liked the pov, the reveal of who chantelle was, and the clever way you told us throughout the story without spelling it letter by letter.
i didn't see it coming!
immediately, i reread, and was impressed with how you planned the story out. great job!

thank you for writing and posting. *Smile*
17
17
Review of The Interview  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (4.5)
dave, what an entertaining piece!
your detailed imagery hits on all counts, specific but not distracting. what i feel you excelled with is characterization. i have a clear, cohesive feel for jasper in particular, and 'Mrs. Alouiscious H. Brown', as well. oh, we know the type!
(not sure if it's a typo, but jasper referring to jason as 'jaxon', was that intentional?)

with the limited amount of room you had, i felt i was left to figure jason out between his scenes in the story--that he was more of a catalyst in the scheme than a real character. if that makes sense.

you did a great job with the surprise twist--i didn't guess that was coming, and the 'gotcha' was palpable with the characters, and me.

i do think this exercise would benefit from having more room. the pace, even with the full detail, feels a bit rushed. are you going to return to it? (she asked with hope in her eyes)

a well-written, engaging story from the first, dave--you have a talent with detail and building believable characters in a very short amount of time. thanks!
18
18
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (5.0)
wow. i've got goosebumps all up & down my arms from your story. you pack a powerful punch with this one, paige.
marybelle's voice is flawless, and illustrates how we carry on through terrible loss. poignant, and sentimental (in the best way). i love this story.

i'll definitely be back to read your other pieces!
thank you for joining wdc, and for posting your writing--you have a special talent. *Heart*
19
19
Review of Fleeting  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
hi, adore--

here's the second of your reviews.

you've created a convincing portrait of a bad marriage, an unbalanced husband, and a desperately hopeful wife.

my favorite moment:
"“You got to always give him what he wants," she said, looking at Zuri.

“What did you just say, Mom?” she said, jumping back.

“I said, do what your man said! I know what’s best and you’d be lost without me.”"

a great transition from her fantasy to bleak reality.

a few suggestions:
*as much as possible, show rather than tell the story. let us experience what's happening, what the characters are feeling, rather than telling us.

an example: "Zuri and Butch had been married for two years now and they rarely came to Sunday dinner at grandma’s house. These family meals made him feel uncomfortable and he never liked the conversation flow."

you've already done most of this with the subsequent scene, so no strong need for this setup.

*include action with your dialogue, to convey what's happening around the conversation. it'll help keep a smooth rhythm, and continuity.

you've done some great things with this story, adore--effective dialogue & strong character development (especially zuri), and you've portrayed her abusive relationship with implication and glimpses, leaving us to piece it all together, to see between the lines. really, well done!

thanks for writing your stories, and posting them for others to read--i've enjoyed myself! *Smile*
laurie
20
20
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
oh, good lord, this is entertaining.

my favoritest bit:
"Like Kirk Douglas rising against the authority of Rome I hear a rich, satin voice come from within me,

"I AM TYRA""
BWAAA!!! *Laugh*

great metaphors, great imagery, grear rhythm & flow, and the situation itself calls out for a supermodel intervention. loved it! mismatched panties & all.
thanks, acme--you rock. you rock hard.
21
21
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
i feel silly rating this--how could i possible judge someone's personal exploration? but i wanted to send you a bit of support, as best i could.

i could've written this essay, even down to some of the specific lines. this one came from my mother's mouth, during a custody battle i didn't know was going on: “If you come live with me, I’ll buy a horse.” (except she said "pony".)

i empathize with you, and was strangely gratified to read your description of how you see yourself, and your worth in the world.

i suspect there are more of us than there are people happily well-adjusted, so that's something. i guess.

one last thing that struck me, reading your essay.
with each example of your internal, biased view of yourself, you define what a 'normal' person would do.
so, you know what to do, and probably even do it most of the time. i bet hardly anyone knows how you really feel about yourself. and that makes me wonder about how many other people are 'faking'. just like we are.
anyway, just a thought.

really well done, your essay. not happy stuff, but you've touched me. if that helps. thank you. *Smile*
22
22
Review of Under Oak  
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
what a freakin' beautiful poem. i gotta say. thank you, eliot, for writing this & putting it out there.

i love the images, specific and universal, both. anyone who has felt the delirium of love will be right there with you.
my favorite moment (i think): "...in the imprint of leaves on the back of your thighs."

man, what an image. everything's implied, all the way through. really, just beautiful.
thanks,
laurie
23
23
Review by Lauriemariepea
Rated: E | (4.0)
I appreciate your story on a couple of levels, as my mother and brother both are bipolar. My brother is taking care of himself, and sought treatment as soon as symptoms became apparent. This was brave of him, as we both had difficult childhoods, due in large part to our mom's instability. His facing up to the situation and tackling it head on makes me proud.
I felt much the same way, reading your story. The fact you've rebuilt your life (probably a few times), and made it what you want, rather than what people suggested you could have, is admirable. I'm truly happy for you.
Best wishes,
Laurie
23 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lauriemariepee