Interesting take on life and co-dependents and enablers (givers & takers). I enjoyed your perspective outlined in this poem. You took a never-ending battle that many of us go through and wrote about it in a way just about anyone could understand. Who will win? The Givers or the Takers? Or will there finally be a compromise...
Hi there Writer_Mike! I'm LeJenD' Looking Up and I'm reviewing (insert item) because I read your entry in Week 8 of "Promptly Poetry Challenge (2023-2024)" . Please keep in mind that all ideas and suggestions in this review are solely my opinion and should be taken as such.
Theme/Subject Matter: A stream that becomes a waterfall as it enters the lake.
Form: Gogyohka - Great use of the form, it worked well for the idea you presented.
Originality/Creativity: Your words construct a unique portrait of the movement and transition from stream to lake.
Emotion/Impact: This poem is beautiful in its simplicity. You packed a lot of visuals within the 5-line limit that the form allows.
My Favorite Part: "until it leaps the gap - all sparkles and mist" - You skillfully paint a moving image of the water falling as well as the mists rising from the waterfall as the sun reflects off each drop. "Sparkles" intimates the scene excellently.
My Suggestions: Keep writing! I love reading your work.
Theme/Subject Matter: From what I could tell, it is about life and what could/would be if the author were able to foresee what is hidden in the moment, be those things within oneself or outward influences affecting one's life.
Form: Quatern - The quatern was an excellent choice for the form of this poem. The repeating line, "would that I could see through the trees", kept the poem cohesive and aided in the overall flow of the poem. It also lent a gravity to the end of the poem that made the poem stick with the reader. (At least it did this one!)
Originality/Creativity: Wonderfully unique take on the image prompt for this week's challenge, comparing the trees to everything going on in life and in a person's mind... Excellently done.
Emotion/Impact: You sent me through such feels (as the youngsters call it). Each stanza sent my mind back to times in my life when I too wish I could have "seen through the trees". As such, I am going to go through how each stanza made me feel.
Stanza 1: Stanza one reminded me of the times in my life when I have felt lost and unsure about my life or the situations I was in at the time. The knowledge that if I knew what the future held, I'd know how to proceed in the present. That dreadful uncertainty mixed with hope for a better possibility. Stanza 2: Stanza two brings back times of mental turmoil when problems overwhelmed me to the point that I was unable to see what needed to be done to get past them. Those days of worry that led to anxiety. Anxiety that could have been avoided had I been able to see past all of the worry. Stanza 3: Stanza 3 is my favorite! Such heartache there is in the third stanza! "what sorrows cloud and dim my eyes?" That heartache that steals the light from your life. And there within that place of pain there's the desire to have that pain ended, to finally be released from that dull prison. This stanza brought back memories, and tears. Stanza 4: The final stanza speaks to all who have felt alone at some point within their lives. That feeling of "why go on?" and "I have nothing to live for" - I dwelt there longer than I care to admit. But it also poses the idea "if I knew were people close to me in my life, I'd have a reason to keep on living".
Suggestions & Whatnot: I had to reread stanza 4 a couple of times due to the change in rhyme pattern. It seemed to make the flow of the poem stall at the second line of the 4th stanza. It doesn't really detract from the feeling of the poem but like I said it felt like a glitch in the flow.
In Summation: Great darned poem in my opinion. It is emotionally charged and I believe it could speak to most readers' hearts.
Theme/Subject Matter: Passion - your words do an excellent job relaying passion.
Form: Tanka - you followed the Tanka form spot-on. I had counted fire as two syllables initially, however I appreciate your note explaining it was counted as such, as well as the link to Shakespeare's use of the word. Syllable counted was exact: 5, 7, 5, 7, 7
Originality/Creativity: Your words painted the picture of what we feel during the throes of passion and right after. Passion is a fire that burns until it goes out (only to be reignited again at a later time)
Emotion/Impact: I felt your words, felt the passion in them growing, peaking, and gone again.
My Favorite Part: I enjoyed the entire poem, but it was the last line that detailed the fleeting emotion of passion that caught my attention the most. "and in the ashes, we slept"
My Suggestions: I honestly looked for ways I could suggest to better this poem but could find none. I enjoyed it just as it is.
In Summation: I enjoyed your poem. It is packed full of the emotion of which you wrote and stated those feelings quite well. You followed the prompt and form to a T. Thank you for sharing with us!
Theme/Subject Matter: The poem was about the tides brought about during summer storms.
Form: Haiku - You followed the haiku form perfectly. Lines were not rhymed, syllables per line were exact, and you used a present tense view to write about the natural phenomenon of tides during summer storms.
Originality/Creativity: Your final line, "my swimsuit unused" shows a unique viewpoint about the tides resulting from summer storms.
Emotion/Impact: Your words inspired me to imagine a beach as raging tides hit the shoreline, invoking the intense feeling of the storms and tides as well as the wistfulness of the person who is kept from swimming.
My Favorite Part: The final line. It gave me the feeling of a person watching the tides while dreaming of being able to swim in those same seas where the tide angrily meets the shore.
My Suggestions: I have absolutely no suggestions to make. This was a great example of haiku.
In Summation: I quite enjoyed your haiku about the tides of a summer storm. The picture you painted with your words was precise and easy to see.
This was a fun poem to read. Th rhythm and flow of the poem was pretty good through most of it. However, there was one line, "So he flew away, distrustfully," that seemed to throw the flow off right there. Perhaps, a word with fewer syllables than "distrustfully" would help the flow. Overall, I liked your poem and found it delightful. I especially enjoyed the final stanza. Happy Writing!
Just amazing. Your words stole my breath until the very end. I found nothing amiss with the words you weaved, entrancing me throughout. Well done indeed. Happy writing!
Firstly, Happy WDC Anniversary this month! Now, on to the review, thank you for writing this! It hit so close to home. I also suffer with chronic pain, as well as a number of autoimmune diseases. It was like I was almost reading a page out of the book on my life. Very well written, you pulled me in and kept me there to the end. Stay strong and I hope you do find better days. Keep writing, you are quite an able writer!
Greetings! I am reviewing your short story as part of a review prompt for the Week 4 August MHWA Challenge. Please be advised that the comments I write in this review are solely my opinion.
Theme/Subject Matter: Friendship, Friends
Originality/Creativity:
To write this in article form was an interesting choice which worked well for the piece and subject matter.
Emotion/Impact:
I was left with the feeling that you know exactly what friends and friendship are all about. I also was left with the feeling that you know, probably from experience, about those "friends" who use and abuse a friendship until the trust between friends has been lost.
My Favorite Part:
"A true friend and pal is the one who appreciates your efforts and helps you to become best version of yourself, and accepts you with all your faults." - You hit the nail right on the head with this line and I agree wholeheartedly. I also like the sentence, "Friends who care about you are the most precious gift which God has bestowed upon us.", but know that while they are precious, our most precious gift (in my opinion) is the gift of our own lives, followed closely by the lives of our loved ones and friends.
My Suggestions:
- Check your punctuation and word spacing. The way it is written, seems that everything is a mashed together.
- You also might try indenting the first line of your paragraph.
- Another little hint: Don’t use can not when you mean cannot. The only time you’re likely to see can not written as separate words is when the word “can” happens to precede some other phrase that happens to start with “not” (eg. We can not only break even, but also turn a profit.) - Because of these little technical difficulties, I am giving you 4 stars.
Summary:
I like and appreciate the idea concerning friends which you are trying to convey here. I agree that true friends accept you for who you are, flaws and all. Just a little work on the punctuation, etc. and this piece would be worth 5 full stars.
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Very nice piece. My favorite parts: "l walk among screaming mass and cringe.
For all the guitar squeals in music’s name" and "I hear that some folks like these modern boys
But all I hear is loud obnoxious noise."- my husband and I converse about this new "music" often. At least we live in an age where we CAN binge on the classics instead of suffering through the new stuff. You have an amazing voice through your poetry. The world needs more writers like you. Thanks for the read!
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Theme/Subject Matter:Abuse, possibly neglect
Originality/Creativity: This is written from the viewpoint of a bystander who is afraid of taking a stand against their peers and the abuse he/she sees going on. I like how you wrote in a way that shows how the bystander is affected by the experience and inwardly tries to deal with the issue of speaking up while outwardly following the crowd.
Emotion/Impact: Emotional impact was spot-on for me. I was that bystander in junior high school. Your words show how the bystander understands that their words won't be listened to when trying to help. It also hints that they know their own actions could, and probably should, be different.
My Favorite Part:
"I know that his small bruises
will all heal with time
but the wounds that I have witnessed
will last OUR whole lifetime."
This definitely sums up the feeling of the poem. It also shows how we can learn and grow from our own mistakes or missed chances to do something good for someone.
My Suggestions: The third stanza seemed to snag the flow of the poem in my opinion. The second line of that stanza just seemed to be missing the tempo of the rest of the poem.
Summary: Empathy is possible, as you show in this poem. The poem also shows how that empathy can affect how someone questions even their own thoughts and actions. Great read! Keep on writing!
Oh wow sweetheart! Your words spoke to this damaged soul. Keep writing from your heart. There are many out there who need to know they aren't the only ones - and your words do that.
Merry meet!
This is review #1 for the PWC port raid contest and boy did I pick a great one to start with! I applaud you in taking the time to write a letter to yourself concerning your goals for the year and what you plan to do to meet those goals. I have been inspired by you to do likewise, so I can see just how far I do come when the wheel of the year finally comes round full circle. Great job and good luck in attaining your goals!
Jenn aka LeJenD'Poet
** Image ID #1194105 Unavailable **
Overall impression of poem: This is a great collection of Haiku poems put together to paint one beautiful picture. Well done.
Form & Technique: You stayed true to the haiku form in each stanza. Syllables correct and meter right on.
My favorites: "Flying through the air
Wings shimmering beautifully
In the dark black night" - because this one is full of detail and paints a picture all on its own
This poem made me cry tears of happiness and sadness at the same time. I do not know what I would do if either of my children were to become ill, let alone pass away. This poem/lyric helps a parent see that they should be thankful for their children, even when the child is misbehaving or making messes. Many times, we take our lives for granted and our loved ones' lives for granted as well thinking they will always be there and nothing will ever happen. This helps us to see that unexpected things can and do happen. Thank you for the reminder that each life is precious.
Well done yet again! One glitch in this one maybe two but one I know of for sure.
"your" should be "You're" as you were saying you are instead of using the possessive form of you. in the second stanza, last line.
the one that could possibly need correcting: third stanza, last line "loves" should probably have an apostrophe too as it is the possessive form of love in your useage there.
other than those, it is beautiful and I hope that whomever you wrote this poem for enjoyed it as much as I did.
You sent chills through me with this one. I loved it. It could be a song, you know. Did you write it to be a song? I had the curse of knowing a man like that in my youth. My head is still not right from that one.
The title and pretty much the poem in its entirety is so hauntingly beautiful. You are a great poet. There was only one spot that could use a checking in to though: "ones" should be one's as it is a contraction meaning one is right? This would be a 5 in my opinion with that correction made. (it is so close now as to almost be a fiver anyway)
Good try so far. There is one line which could use a little help, though.
"I am concentrated only who I am here to see"
maybe say something like.."I am concentrating only on who I am here to see" or "I concentrate only on who I am here to see" since the rest of your poem is in the present tense, this line needs to be as well. Hope this helps you have a perfect poem!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Theme/Subject Matter: A stream that becomes a waterfall as it enters the lake. 
Form: Gogyohka - Great use of the form, it worked well for the idea you presented.
Originality/Creativity: Your words construct a unique portrait of the movement and transition from stream to lake.
Emotion/Impact: This poem is beautiful in its simplicity. You packed a lot of visuals within the 5-line limit that the form allows.
My Favorite Part: "until it leaps the gap - all sparkles and mist" - You skillfully paint a moving image of the water falling as well as the mists rising from the waterfall as the sun reflects off each drop. "Sparkles" intimates the scene excellently. 
My Suggestions: Keep writing! I love reading your work. 
This review is a gift to you from "
