This is an excellent poem, just flawless. Being a barbie-loving Aussie myself, I can relate to everything written in this. You are very talented, and I'm glad you used it to write about Australia Day. Tomorrow I'll be celebrating along with my family, and I'll probably read over this again :) So 'avagudweegend' and happy Australia Day to you too mate.
I can tell that this poem has a lot of potential, though it is quite confusing. I still don't get the real meaning of it, even though I have my various guesses, and the whole intelligence thing all the time, while effective, goes for too long and, as I said before, becomes too confusing. A good attempt though, and I did enjoy reading it. Happy writing.
Two-In-One Reviewing Forum:
Sorry about the lateness of the review.
Story: I think that you shouldn't have set out the description aobut Lia. Tell us and explain her looks/personality etc while you are writing the story. But otherwise, the description was very thorough and well thought out.
I think that the style of your writing is extremely good. It has a lot of description, one thing that is hard to grasp with its definite bonus of a satisfied reader.
Spelling/Grammar etc: There were some spelling mistakes I picked up here and there. I'm pretty sure most were just typos, but just go over and see if you can spot them. The first spelling mistake is on the fourth line of the actual story. You spelt 'ridding' instead of 'riding'. It only has one 'r'.
Interst: Ithink it was a very interesting piece of work. If you make up new names that haven't been used before, and finish the story, I think you should see if you can get it published.
Overall: This was great fun to read. Well done.
Lemur
This is a review from the Two-in-One reviewing forum. Sorry about the lateness
Structure: The beginning, middle and end were all okay. There were definitely some places i think you could've improved on. A lot of the time you added in characters I didn't know who they were, so I got confused easily. You also switched to different scenes without giving any note to when you did so,so there were characters walking around that appeared out of no where.
Description: Description in this item was a bit mix-and-match. Sometimes you described things really well, others I didn't know what something looked like or what I should imagine. I think you should add more description into the characters and places.
Spelling and all that jazz: The spelling in here could've been a lot better. The easiest way to fix this is to use spell check. Of course, nearly all of the words were spelt correctly, but some were mixed up. A couple of times you wrote the word 'has' instead of 'as'. But it was alright.
Tips/Ideas: Make sure to add in lots of description.
Overall: This was a very good story with a good story line and I enjoyed it. Keep it up,
Monica
Beginning: The beginning of this was a bit mismatched. I think that if you got rid of the first sentence then it would sound a whole lot better.
Middle: The middle was also a bit muddled. It was hard to understand who was talking and who was listening sometimes. When you jump from Jaydon to the others, I think you should leave a line, this way you can see when new people are talking.
Ending: I think you ended it on a really good note, adding some comic relief to a battle scene, and leaving an 'open door' as to what could happen. Well done
Description: The description in this story was very good. It produced a clear image in my mind.
Spelling/Grammar/Other jazz like that: The spelling and grammar was very good, but there was a time near the beginning when you used the word 'was' instead of 'were'. That was when the spears were being released. Also, sometimes in the story you changed the tense from present to past. Be mindful of that in the future.
Overall: A little bit of patching up here and there and you're in business. I really enjoyed reading this, thanks.
Monica (Two in One Reviewing Forum)
This is really well writeen and I like it, but unfortunately I am too dim-witted to get it... I probably don't know the mythology you're talking about. I really like the way you set this item out, as well as really liking the imagery. There was nothing bad I could pick up on. Well done. Happy writing,
Monica
This is a really creative and well structured poem. It captures the little things of nature that people miss and the large things, of course. The only thing I would suggest is in the first stanza, fourth line, you could say 'And filled with beauty beyond all measure'. A really good poem which entices the reader to keep reading on, well done.
Monica
This is a really good idea. Unfirtunately, I haven't been on Writing.com for that long, so I didn't really have a fighting chance :) Happy writing,
monica
This is a great idea. I absolutely love the fact that you are here to support religious people in prayer. If I ever need help, I'll know where to come. Here's 1000GPs for your (or others) cause
Monica
This is one of the reviews you requested from 'The Twoin One Review Forum'. Hope you enjoy.
This is a really good poem both structually and rythmically. The things I would suggest is to make sure that you get the rythm just that little bit better. A couple of times I had to change the way that I read it to sound good. I really liked the way you contradicted yourself in all of the stanzas, stating how it was good but how it could turn bad. The only thing I didn't like was the slightly 'off' rythm. A very good poem, happy writing.
Monica
This is a really good chapter. You should see if you could get it published, if you haven't already. The story displays extreme imagery, something of which I like alot. I think you might've made a typo in the third last paragraph. it says 'running threw Seamus' veins'. Should it be 'through Seamus' veins?
I didn't find anything else wrong with it. I like how eas fiction intertwined with history. I especially like the fact that it was in Ireland. I must explain the reason behind this. I currently live in Australia, and my friend and I are both obsessed with Ireland and someday wish to move there.
Thanks for a great read, keep up the good work.
Lemur
A good poem. A couple of things to suggest though.
Firstly, it wasn't a very smooth read. Try to keep around the same amount of syllables in each line and it'll sound better.
Secondly, make sure the same lines rhyme in each staza, example, the first line always rhymes with the third, or the first with the fourth AND third.
Lastly, I think you made a spelling mistake in the second line. Is it supposed to be against? Because you missed out the 't'.
I really liked the fact that you included real mythology into the poem, such as Norse mythology with the Valkyries. It adds a certain charm to it.
Well done, happy writing.
Monica.
This is a very good poem, and is great at describing emotional reactions. The only thing I would recommend is to remember the rythm, make sure the poem flows nicely. Also, it seemed like you changed person there. I think you started in second person but then switched to first person. A very good poem, none the less. Happy writing. Monica.
This is the most creative thing I have ever read. It's truly amazing how you worked these things into an ordinary every-day thing such as a shopping list. You have produced extremely creative imagery and your use of words is great. I could not possibly have anything to suggest on improving the work, for I doubt I could come up with better. Keep up the good work, Lemur.
This is a really good short story, it's like a real creation myth. I would like to see more short stories like this, they're very good. Happy writing, Lemur.
This is a really good subject to have on this site. I will probably remember this for when i send my story in, if I ever finish it that is:) Thanks for the pointers AND facts, and just a fun read. Happy writing, lemur.
This is a good short story, but I would like to see some more description. Even if it is just what the colour of the Mustang was, or what the place they were driving through looked like. I would also like to see a bit more emotional response on the Inside, not just the outside. But all in all, it was a good read. Happy writing, lemur.
Wow, this is still a really good poem for the age that you wrote it. I can't really suggest anything because it was done when you were younger, and you most likely will have improved by now. I really like the suggestive side of it, it raises a good point. Thanks for a great read, happy writing. lemur.
Tee hee. A good little poem. Not entirely sure I've got the message figured out, but I like it. Keep writing like this and you're bound to get somewhere. Happy writing. lemur
Um. Isn't a haiku the poems when you have 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second and 5 in the third? I dunno, it might just be me and my crazy thoughts again. Still the poem is good and there are no other inquiries. Happy writing.
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