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41 Public Reviews Given
72 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of End of the World  
Review by Juniper
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! I REALLY enjoyed that poem! I love the rythym of it, it just kind of rolled off my tounge! I am trying to think of my favorite line, and honestly I can't pick just one! Really amazing job, I am impressed! Okay, I think my favorite line (after re-reading it) is "Just once more I feel your lips,
Oh kiss me now Apocalypse." Especially the second line. I have a hard time finding poems that really move me on this site sometimes, and I think that this is on my list of favorites! I don't have any suggestions, to be honest! I know that is not overly helpful, but I can't think of any!

Keep writing (more poems like this please!)

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Review of AYUH, I'M NATIVE  
Review by Juniper
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good piece! Your writing style is very evocative. I am looking forward to reading more of your work, if the writing is this good in nonfiction, I look forward to seeing some of your fiction! If you write that, I don't know yet.

I live in Central Illinois, home of the mullets, so I can relate to your plight. But you can only laugh it off right! I grew up in Chicago so it is easy to see the inherent humor of small towns and their idiosyncracies. I think you did a good job of conveying that here! Keep writing!

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Review of Poetry Forms  
Review by Juniper
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Good job on explaining another poetry form. Just out of curiosity, how long did it take you to research all of these forms! Seems like quite the prodigious project! Are you a teacher? Anyway...there are so many forms, and I'm sure there are many people who will greatly appreciate you explaining them in easy to digest terms. And giving an example always helps as well (which I believe you do with all of your forms!) Keep up the good work!

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Review of The Storm  
Review by Juniper
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like how this poem is very accesible. Sometimes it is really easy to fall into the trap that all poems must be deliberately obscure and incomprehensible. You get your feelings across nicely with words that make sense and convey what you want them to. I also like the form of the poem, it is nice to see something a little different then your standard blob of writing (from the eyes perspective).

Good job and keep writing!

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Review by Juniper
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Strange concept...robot rape. Hmmm! At first it is pretty humourous, but it does get dark at the end, which is good since it's in the horror genre.

I thought it was interesting that you used Asimov's name in this. I was a little put off at first, but then again if a sci-fi writer can start his own religion in the "real world" then why not Asimov's ficitonal "rules" used in a real life situation. So props to that.

Anyway...overall I think this piece is well written, and the plot is straightforward and easy to follow. All in all, an interesting first part to this "series". Keep up the good work!

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Review by Juniper
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting poem! I like that it doesn't follow a rhyme scheme (I am so sick of those!) and it has a really good flow to it. I really like the third stanza, I think it has a really good feel to it.

I can't really think of any suggestions to make the piece better...very interesting concept to now use a certain vowel, thought I could imagine that might be difficult. Especially with the letter "e"!

Good job!

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Review of Man in the carpet  
Review by Juniper
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Interesting concept, not sure whether to call this a short story or what exactly. It is more just a blip of prose. Usually I would advise against use of the present tense, but since this isn't really a "full" story, I suppose it works if that is the way that you feel it needs to be. It does give it a sense of immediacy which is important, but can be achieved through past tense prose.

If you were to make this a full story, there would have to be more characterization. Meaning that the reader would need to know who the main person speaking was, where he is, and more about how he is affected by the "carpet".

Also, there would probably need to be an actual conflict/resolution, where there really is none at the moment. There is the beginning of a conflict: i.e. the carpet and the faces in the carpet frighten the main character.

I did like the end sentence. But I would proably say: "Now a rug covers the carpet" instead because the original sentence is slightly confusing at first. And the "I don't know him anymore" was sort of cool and ominous. The man in the carpet is "covered up" but that doesn't mean he is gone forever.

Either way, this is a good beginning, but if you were to market it, it would really have to be a full story or something resembling a full story in order for it to sell. Or on the other hand, make it into a prose/poem where it would be able to stand alone as is.

Keep writing!

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Review by Juniper
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You are random, but I love it!!

There is only one minor suggestion

And now I know,in graphic detail what people mightbewearing under their clothes.

**The words in bold are what should be added.

Anyway...enough with that. I liked this little glimpse into life, your life but also others as well. There is something very indicative of human nature in shopping and crowded areas. It is an interesting little snippet into life as we live it.

I liked it very much!

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Review by Juniper
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Title:Circus Monkeys

Chapter:One

Round:One

Setting:You did a really fantastic job of imagining the setting of this first chapter. I could see, taste, smell and touch all of the things that you described. Also, the circus is definitely an interesting place where we all have our own sensory memories to work with. The Aunt's house and the father's trailer were also well imagined.

Character Development:The main character, Mallory, is very well realized. Especially because we are in her head. I have always liked stories that are in the first person because you really get an insight into the main characters thoughts. It is difficult, sometimes, to stick with only one person that intimately. Because of this, I think a lot of people shy away from it in a novel.

The father is, of course, not as vivid because we are not inside of his head. However, I think that we definitely got a feel for him by how you described his actions and reactions. Although I wish we could have seen a bit more of his reaction to his wife's death. Perhaps how he acted when he saw her fall off of the rope. Just a quick snippet would suffice.

We don't see much of the mother before she dies, but perhaps we could get a little about her from Mallory's point of view? I think that would help identify her loss if we knew what she was like.

The new character that is presented at the end of the chapter is well done as well. I liked the dialouge, it was very realistic. Love interest? I think it is save to say that that is the case! Mallory, as of right now, is feeling rather anti-social but I'm sure she'll come around. The boy seems quite charming already!

Historical Referencng: I don't think that this story takes place in the past. Or at least not in the distant past. I don't know how long the circus "HQ" so to speak, has been in Baraboo...but it can't be that long.

(Off topic: Although I have someone I could ask...it is kind of ironic when I read this. This saturday I went canoing with a friend of mine and she had brought along her brother and his wife. They were telling me about how they lived right across the street from the circus in Baraboo! I kind of laughed while I read that part, and said to myself:Oddly enough, I know that the circus is in Baraboo WI!)

Anyway, I don't believe that there really needs to be any time frame for this, because it is obviously in the recent enough past (or the present) that there is no need for historical referencing.

Plot: You hooked me in with the first paragraph. That is always a good thing. Usually if I am not hooked in by the first paragraph I don't finish reading. Starting with the vivid description of the circus was really a good touch. I was interested to see what was going to happen next (and with any good story or novel you always have to keep your reader wanting to answer that question!!)

I liked the way you managed the time jump from seven to seventeen. It was a rather smooth transition. Going from birthday to birthday and tragedy to tragedy. Very interesting continuity that you present here. And then bringing in the thought about the goldfish that died on her ninth birthday added a nice touch as well!

All in all I felt the plot was pretty strong. Right now I am not finding any suggestons that I need to make. Later on it will become more apparent if the plot needs to be tweaked. Since this is only the beginning there is not much to comment on.

Grammatical: There were only a few mistakes, and they looked mostly to be the product of typing too quickly. Typos and the like. I didn't see too many consistent grammar errors, and with a solid once over you should be able to catch them. This time I wasn't really looking for those errors anyway.

General: I am glad that you picked first person for your POV, I think that with the way this story is heading, it is nice to be in Mallory's head instead of jumping around from different peoples perspectives.

Personal Opinion: In general, I enjoyed this opening. You captured my attention right away (which is of the utmost importance if you are going to try for publication!!!) and if I were the editor I would at least give you a chance! (Editors can be kind of rough, or so I've heard.)

The plot was solid, there were no glaring errors or discrepencies, and it held my interest. I look forward to reading more, good job!
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Review by Juniper
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What I liked:

*Star*Your use of language is incredibly vivid and well realized. You are really painting a picture for your reader and that is what poetry is all about. Using creative styles and vocabulary to paint a picture with words.

*Star*Loved the lines A white butterfly's wings/are as soft as tissue paper/delicate as virgin skin. They struck a deep chord with me, I felt the razor digging into skin, and saw the butterfly.

*Star*The snippet of foreign language was an interesting twist. Latin? (I only know a smidgen of spanish.)

What Could Use Work

*Idea*I would like some elaboration on the line he used meth.

*Idea* Also, I feel that the line about the butterfly is in reference to the girl who cuts herself to forget the pain. It is not really referring to the man. This is a problem with continuity. And though people are generally more concerned with continuity in a story as opposed to a poem, don't forget that it is important in this form as well.

*Idea* I also wanted more from this poem. It only scratched the surface for me, and I felt hat there was so much more to realize! From the beautiful imagery and the well drawn metaphors, I saw so much more!

Overall Impressions

*Bullet* Overall I did highly enjoy this poem. Aside from wishing that there were more to enjoy, but still happy with it nonetheless. There were no glaring errors, or spots where the flow was entirely lost. I liked the formatting and the line and stanza breaks. The metaphors and images were well thought and accurate. Mostly, I would like it to be longer. This is a complaint I often have with poetry.

*Smile*Good job, and I wish you luck!

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Review by Juniper
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very interesting. I like the concept here...though the last stanza threw me for a loop. It has this strange intensity that sort of made me furrow my brow. I really enjoyed the line "Loneliness is when night grabs you by your throat" it had a good effect on me.

Though I think that possibly those two middle stanzas could be joined into one. There is no real reason (for impact, or otherwise) that they should be seperated. Actually, I think the effect would be more interesting if they were joined together...

Though I am not quite sure how the woman from Tennessee is connected to the Great Basin of stars...I like it anyway, but perhaps there should be a more intuitable segue.

Although, I suppose you could make a case for the fact that sitting in your S-10 under a wide open sky gives one strange thoughts that require no segue??...

Good job, I enjoyed this piece!

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Review of Clock  
Review by Juniper
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting take. A few points to hopefully get you thinking.

*Note1* Obviously the guy's insane. I think any reader can surmise that. However, I don't entirely understand why he couldn't remove the clock from his house.

*Note1* He came to believe that he needed the clock at the end. I think more on how he came to that realization would flesh the story more. I don't think that we got enough about the character. We know that his neighbors complain about him, and we know that he's probably crazy, but that's about it. If you wanted it that way then fine, but I think that he could be fleshed out so the readers can care more about what happens to him.

*Star* Grammar and Syntax:

*Note1* "With energy that can only come to a man obsessed, I jump off the floor and grabbed the clock."

Should be "jumped". It is important to not lapse into present tense when writing a story.

*Note1* "shiney" should be shiny.

*Note1*"Nothing seemed to hold enough interest for me to do."

Possibly take out the "to do" at the end. It might make the sentence smoother.

(If you would like a more in depth grammatical review, let me know and I will go through more methodically.)

Good job, and good luck!

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