This is a great message to everyone and anyone who may be experience the will to give up.
I like the flow it was easily read with little problems. The rhyme scheme was a great choice for this piece. The only recommendation that I would make is if you could take notice of the amount of syllables per rhyme scheme. It adds to the flow of the piece
My favorite line has to be
Keeping hope for life is key -
A job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep the thoughts flowing.
I can remember how excited I was when my son lost his first tooth. He acutally lost his top too one shortly after the other. It was a wonderful time for me. It was right around Christmas and we were all singing the famous song "All I Want For Christmas``
Much to his distaste we have the picture of him missing his top two teeth in front of the christmas tree.
This picture was great. You can almost see the pride in his eyes as he displays the little whole in the mouth. Thanks for sharing
You have something that can have a lot of potential here. A few areas that you may want to look at
Paragraphs. - This will give flow the piece without the reader trying to figure out where it is all suppose to happen.
Capitalization - On words such as I and the begining of sentences. Again this would make the piece easier to read for the reader.
Spell check - misspelled words can make an impact on the readers opinion of the piece.
YOu have a great start to something that could be much bigger. This almost seems like an introduction to a much bigger story. With a little work I think you will complete a great piece.
Keep the thoughts flowing, I look forward to reading more of your work.
You did a very good job here. You expressed in a very simple term how most people have felt at one point or another.
There is a simple flow to your piece that give the reader a chance to feel the words and meaning you are portraying. Your view has made it a great read for readers of all ages.
My favorite part has to be
I laugh and smile,
Then turn to pout
So many times I have done this and never quite sure why, so I relate to this very easily
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
This was an absolutely beautiful piece. I can only hope that my children look at me with half of the love and admiration that you look upon Beverly with.
Your love is apparent in your writing as well as your admiration. Being a mother myself I know how hard it can be making sure you are at every function with the up most of all spirits. One has to put aside all of their troublesome worries and focus on what is most important at hand. She has done a great job.
Your family has truly come across an angel like no other.
Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
There is something to be said for punctuation...
I feel that within poetry if you chose not to use the punctuation then you can use your verse lines to accentuate parts.
In the second line - the comma after you should be before the word
It is conflicting text when you say most books and then say always have - you can make the same statement with the same meaning by eliminating the word always
Life is like - you have misspelled the word like
Considering this is a quote it should be in quotation marks
Your desire not to use punctuation should be consistent through out the entire piece. You can not use it partially. It makes it hard for the reader to flow through out your piece
You carry a strong message here and with a little tweaking I beleive it to be a powerful piece. Keep your thoughts flowing through the keyboard. I look forward to reading more of your work
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I loved Gone with the Wind and this along the same lines with a twist. Definately worth the read. You have shown quite a deal of talent here. I can see it on the bookshelves across the country. It is well written with just enough intrigue to keep the reader reading. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to keep my thoughts and suggestions organized by paragraphs in hopes that you will follow my train of thought
The use of contracted words can take away from the emphasis of a sentence - may I suggest thtat you go over your piece and see if this applies
1. When she made the corner - insert a comma after the word corner
Running to the building - insert a comma after the word building
2. You may want to consider the use of another word rather than starting a sentence with the word BUT - It gives the impression of an incomplete thought
3-8. These paragraphs stand well on their own
9. in the hearth which - you may want to insert a comma after the word hearth
10-13. these paragraphs stand well on their own
14. insert a comma after she cried
15-16. these paragraphs stand well on their own
17. insert a comma after - a final glance
18. Starting a sentence with the word BUT gives the impression of an incomplete thought. There are a variety of words you can use in place of this word or you can try omitting this word all together.
after complete darkness - insert a comma
19. move the comma from after please to after Joseph
20. this paragraph stands well on its own
21. Starting a sentence with the word but gives the impression of an incomplete thought. There are a variety of words you can use in place of this or you can try omitting this word
22-23. these paragraphs stand well on their own
24. insert a comma after - throwing herself against the door
insert a comma after - heap on the sidewalk
25. Starting a sentence with the word gives the impression of incomplete thoughts - you may want to try omitting that word or using one of the various other words
26-28. These paragraphs stand well on their own
29. nightstand is one word
after it was not there - insert a comma
30-32 these paragraphs stand well on their own
33 insert a comma after - stopped shaking
34. Starting a sentence with the word But gives the impression of an incomplete thought - Try using another word or omitting this word altogher.
Outstanding Highlight
First off - the link to the next chapter is a very nice touch - it makes for easier access while reading the story
I like the part when she woke up from her dream. I am not sure if I was just into the character at this point or it is that her actions seemed realistic to real life. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. You did a great job. I look forward to reading more from this story in the future. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow.
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
My sentiments exactly. I have watched the biggest of all guys melt at the smile of baby or small child. There is something about that angelic look that can melt the coldest of hearts. Just look at the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Well done on this piece. Tips and Suggestions
I have no suggestions for this piece as I truly believe that it stands well on its own. Contest Highlights
Word Count - Right on target
Prompt - None given My Final Say
Congratulations on a ob well done. I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow. Good luck in the contest. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Oh my! This totally brought me back to the day my son was driving a Little Tykes car, he repeated a four letter word a few times. I realized then that he was listening to every word people said. I feel for you, I know the feeling. You did a great job. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands well on its own Contest Highlights
Word Count - Right on target
Prompt - None given My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow, I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Good luck in the contest. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You did an amazing job with this piece. I have never been one for history but you made it enjoyable for me. Too bad you were not part of the history department in my high school. Tips and Suggestions
In the last sentence...
After the word OUT - replace the word and with a comma
insert a comma after the word flight Contest Highlights
Word Count - Right on target here.
Prompt - Open prompt My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. You did a great job an I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Keep that pencil to the paper and let your creativity flow. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You have a great start to a story here. The idea is terrific. You have obviously given some great thought to the way you want to display this story. I can see the tears falling as the story goes on. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to keep my thoughts organized my paragraphs in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought.
The use of contracted words can take away from a sentence's much needed emphasis. May I suggest that you go over your piece and see where this applies and adjust accordingly
1 The reference to the principals office is a little confusing. I like the way it works but a connection to that and a doctors office would make this flow a little better.
you need to insert the word that before "...at the most I would..."
2 Try not to start a sentence with the word "SO" there are a variety of words you can use in place of this or you can try omitting this word
Try using "AS IF" in place of "LIKE" before "...I wasn’t scared to death"
Try using "AS IF" in place of "LIKE" before "...they weren’t worried sick ..."
3 Try not to start a sentence with the word "SO" there are a variety of words you can use in place of this word or you can try omitting this word
4 this paragraph stands well on its own
5 you can omit the word "EVEN" before "get to it to remove it" - it is not needed
6 after "REFLEXES" insert the word "AND"
insert a comma after the word "THANKFULLY"
the hyphens surrounding "SORT OF" = they are not needed
The sentence starting "TWO HOURS LATER, I WAS..." is a little confusing. Maybe using the term I should have been comfortably....
Instead of "TILL" try using "UNTIL"
write out the word TWO instead of using the numeral
Try not to start a sentence with the words PLUS - it gives the impression of an afterthought
Try not to start a sentence with the word BUT - it give the impression of an afterthought
7 you met a "GUY" try using the word "Someone" in place of this.
try using "As if" in place of "like" before "he liked me back"
the sentence starting "He called me at my parent’s ..."gets a little confusing. You may want to look at it
"I was excited." You can omit the words Needless to say and pretty - they are not needed
catching up at the mall- seems a little repetative because would this not have been done in the phone calls that took place before you went out
insert a comma after OF COURSE
8. the fast forward part - seems out of place - You can try a different approach to get the same idea across. Such as - NOW THREE DAYS LATER... etc
after not really sure try inserting a comma
try using person in the phrase - kind of person
in the last sentence you say you barely know each other - yet in a couple of paragraphs sooner you said that you grew up together as friends = you might want to try re-wording this
9 till I fell asleep - try using UNTIL
Conversations require that each speaker gets there own paragraph
Outstanding Highlight
Despite the confusion of the second sentence - I like how it relates to a subject that most people can relate too. It allows the reader a chance to put themselves into the story. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to seeing what comes out of this story. Keep that pencil to the paper and let your creativity flow.
I think we are all searching for the right word. I hope you find the right word to get your story out there.
You did a great job with this piece. For your first attempt at poetry - I have to say this is a job well done.
I see no areas where I can offer any suggestions as I think this piece stands well on its own.
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny daysA contestant in REVIEWERS RAMPAGE
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I really like this piece. I think you did a great job. It flows perfectly and the formatting is great. A nice easy read. Well done. Tips and Suggestions
In the third stanza insert a comma after THEY DO
You have used punctuation in this piece and I think that following through with capitals would only improve this piece to be that much better. Outstanding Highlight
I love the second stanza. I think these lines make the piece. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep that pencil to the paper and let your creativity flow.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny daysA contestant in REVIEWERS RAMPAGE
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
The idea that school can get you so far. It is not the education that you receive but rather what you do with the knowledge gained from that education. So I can see where you are basing this starting point of this piece. Tips and Suggestions
First stanza - instead of were near me try using was near me
I requires a capital
can't requires an apostophe
Second Stanza - try omitting the word AND at the begining of the sentence
Your rhyme scheme changes throughout this piece changing the flow of your item. You may want to consider this should you contemplate a re-write of this piece.
a a b a
c d d
e f g f
h i j
k l k l
Keeping the syllables within a few beats of each other might help overlook the rhyme scheme. Outstanding Highlight
The last line of this piece... It rings so true... We all seem to hang on to what ever piece of pride that we have left as if it is our last string at survival My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
So how far would one go for truth? It is the journey for which we all strive and must face in our final days. You did a great job with this piece. There is a simple flow and the formatting is great making this piece an easy read. Tips and Suggestions
A few suggestions that you may want to look at, should you consider revisions on this piece.
Insert a comma after want - second stanza
insert a comma after own in third stanza
insert a comma after man in fifth stanza
insert a comma after mankind in the thirteen stanza
the second line in the fourth stanza seems to break the pattern of your flow. you may want to look at this.
Outstanding Highlight
There are so many great points of interest in this piece it is hard to pick one. Overall I would have to say the seventh stanza. I like the mysteries of the mind part. Something that I have always said to my kids. Unlock those mysteries tell me what is on your mind. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep that pencil to the paper and let your creativity flow.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You did a great job descibing the life of KILLDEER. Like any parent they are busy protecting and caring for their young. Tips and Suggestions
the flow of the poem is interrupted during the one line
Running this way then that
I lost the flow during this line but instantly got back on track after this.
sunray is one word
insert a comma after TWICE NOW
insert a comma after JULY
Outstanding Highlight
The babies have hatched
No time for rest.
My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow as I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
Rating:
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny daysa contestant in REVIEWERS RAMPAGE
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Well it sounds like a GRAND SLAM romance. Personally I liked the piece much better before having the little translation piece added to it. I had the sports thing connected but for some reason I had GOLF in mind. Love at first FORE was more of the lines I was thinking. You did a great job writing this pieces THe flow was smooth Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands well on its own
I feel that punctuation would only improve this piece. I do realize that poetry is totally in the eye of the author but I feel this piece would truly be enhanced by it. Outstanding Highlight
Recognition of soul-mate connection - I keep repeating this term over and over again. I like the way it flows. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow as I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny daysA contestant in REVIEWERS RAMPAGE
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I found myself starting to go quieter with every word I read. Lower and lower until "IS YOU" was barely audible. Your formating and flow were great making this an easy to read piece. I have to say well done. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands very well on its own but I have only one suggestion that you are free to do as you see fit
In the last three lines after the word closer you may want to try a semi-colon instead of a comma Outstanding Highlight
I like the repeating line of COME CLOSER - it was at this point that I started lowering the tone of my voice as I read My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This is a great story for the young adult crowd. With the true perspective of a teenage girl being forced to grow up you have created a great story. I was brought back to my years of being a teen and watching my brother get away with a lot more than I ever could have even attempted. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to keep my thoughts grouped and organized in paragraphs in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought.
The use of contracted words can take away from much needed emphasis from a sentence. May I suggest that you run over this piece and see if this applies
I understand the helping take care of younger siblings -being the oldest child. THe one part I am having a problem with is why after an accident the mother is not putting the youngest child to bed. There is a distance between the mother and this child that is not expressed, so it makes it a little confusing as to why this older child is so responsible for the younger one.
How did the father get to the emergency room? He was not there when it began but leaving he is going with the coach?
1-3 These paragraphs stand well on their own
4 You have a comma after the the question mark located after YOU NEED ALL THIS PRACTICE? you can omit this
5 this paragraph stands well on its own
6 insert a comma after BATHED HER
7 the word this is not needed after ...WE WALKED PAST THIS ONE HOUSE...
8 Instead of SHE LAID CRYING try using SHE LAY CRYING
9-13 these paragraphs stand well on their own
14 instead of ME AND DEBBIE try using DEBBIE AND ME
15-18 these paragraphs stand well on their own
19 RESPONSIBILITIES is spelled incorrectly
20-22 these paragraphs stand well on their own
23 instead of LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED try using AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED
24-33 these paragraphs stand well on their own
Outstanding Highlight
The parent barging into the emergency room. Both being a parent that has barged into an emergency room and a child watching a parent. This is so true to a parents nature. It almost made me laugh when I could hear my dads voice as I read it. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep the pen to the paper and let the creativity flow as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You did a great job with this piece. I could almost picture sitting in a Jazz club listening to the music. The use of the TIC TIC and the formatting of the poem made me want to sway to the unheard music. You did a great job. Tips and Suggestions
a couple of spelling corrections you may want to look at
rhythmic
smoky
tie-dyes is a hyphenated word
By using punctuation you are subjecting your self to the use of capitals in the second stanza the word Caressed requires a capital Outstanding Highlight
I am still swaying my head to the tic tic tic My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep your pen to the paper and let the creativity flow.
Rockabee (E) A tale of Rockabee, a town in the drop of Alder sap by the Giant's Grave in Cong, Ireland #1227521 by Basilides
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This is a wonderful tale of life through the eyes of Rockabee. The adventures of the inhabitants are designed in a way that young adults could find themselves wishing they were there within this world of Fantasy. You did a great job with the writing of this piece. You kept the formatting easy on the readers eyes making it an easy read. Well done. A terrific use of your creativity. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to keep all comments and suggestions organized by paragraph in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thoughts
The use of contracted words is recommended in first person narrative and dialogue. THough this would apply the emphasis is taken away from a sentence when you use contracted words. May I suggest that you go over this piece and see where this is suiting.
Try not to start a sentence with the words, AND, BUT and BECAUSE -It gives the impression of an incomplete thought. There are a variety of words you can use in place of this or you can try omitting these words.
1-2 These paragraphs stand well on their own
3. You start a sentence with the word Because
after answer him try omitting the semi-colon
4. check the use of contracted words
You start a sentence with the word but
after Yes try inserting a comma
5. check the use of contracted words
6. you start a sentence with the word and
7. after giant in it insert a comma
you start a sentence with the word but
8. after stream insert a comma
You have a few sentences starting with both and and but
after you will see try inserting a comma
9. you use the word but to start a sentence
have you considered any ointment, or salve anywhere in sight. THis will eliminate the double negative in the sentence
10 this paragraph stands well on its own
11. You start a sentence with the word so try using Therefore
check the use of contracted words
replace the word and with a comma after peaks
12 this paragraphs stands well on its own
13 you start a few sentences with AND, SO and BUT
try omitting the word was before never
14. you start the sentence with the word but
15. After thus insert a comma
break rock should be two words
check the use of contracted words
16 -17 these paragraphs stand well on their own
18. You start a sentence with the word AND
19. You start sentences with AND and BUT
20. There are a few sentences starting with BUT and AND
which never seemed to go away - try insert one,(comma) before which
side effect does not require a hyphen
after magic insert a comma
omit whole before epic - it is not needed
omit how to before fulfill and change fullfill to fulfilling
21. this paragraph stands well on its own
22. instead of all for all try using overall
You start a sentence with the word but
23check the use of contracted words
24. check the use of contracted words
you start a sentence with the word BUT
25-28 these paragraphs stand well on their own
29. You start a sentence with the word BUT
30. You start a sentence with the word BUT
31. You start a sentence with the word BUT - In this case I recommend omitting it
32-35 these paragraphs stand well on their own
36 You start a sentence with the word but
37-38 these paragraphs stand well on their own
39 You start a sentence with the word but
40-43 These paragraphs stand well on their own
44 You start a sentence with the word AND
45-48 These paragraphs stand well on their own
49. Have you considered ending the sentence after the word SCULPTER and inserting the word ONE before starting the next one
50 this paragraph stands well on its own
51 You start a sentence with the word BUT
52. after dared insert a comma
53-54 these paragraphs stand well on their own
55 Omit the words she was before covered - these are not needed
you start a sentence with the word BUT
56 You start a sentence with the word BUT
57-58 these paragraphs stand well on their own
59 You start a sentence with the word BUT
60-61 These paragraphs stand well on their own
62 check the use of contracted words
63 this paragraph stands well on their own
64 you start a sentence with the word AND
65. A few sentences start with the word AND
66. Check the use of contracted words
in the last sentence have you considered - As well, I am sorry...
67. You start the sentence with the word BUT
68. omit the comma after delight it is not needed
insert a comma after NO MORE
insert a comma after INSTEAD
insert a comma after PASSED
69. This paragraph stands well on its own
70. You start a sentence with the word BUT
SIX does not require a capital
quarry view is two words
71 -85 These paragraphs stand well on their own
86 ROCKLINGS does not require a capital
87-89 These paragraphs stand well on their own
90 insert a comma after ALONG
insert a comma after CHANTED
91-92 these paragraphs stand well on their own
93 you start sentences with AND and BUT
insert the word AND before THEN TURNED UPSIDE DOWN
94-95 these paragraphs stand well on their own
96. YOu start a sentence with the word AND
97. You start a sentence with the word AND
98 this paragraphs stands well on its own
99 This whole paragraph is a very long sentence try breaking it down to smaller pieces
100. insert a comma after ALDER TREE
you start a sentence with the word AND and BUT
insert the word AND before CHISELING Outstanding Highlight
I totally adored the way that these inanimate object have been brought to life holding the names of such objects close to their actual being. It adds a nice touch to the story. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. So keep that pen to the paper and let your creativity flow.
This review is in honor of your request in "Invalid Item"
Nature Never Told (E) Thoughts from the day I met my daughter for the first and last time #1066321 by Basilides
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You brought mist to my eyes as I read a story and wishes of a mother for a child. Being a mother my dreams for my children far outweigh the dreams I could ever have for myself. Not being able to see even one of these dreams come to life is heart tearing and a pure shame. Your pain and suffering is well evident in this well flowing piece. THe formatting is absolutely perfect for this piece. Great job. Tips and Suggestions
In the first stanza spring would require a comma
Wintry does not need an apostophe as it is in the english language meaning the same as intended
In the second stanza second line have you considered inserting a semi-colon after the word dreams
In the sixth stanza first word instead of So have you considered using the word as
After tears the end of the first line try using a comma
Outstanding Highlight
The fifth stanza - I look at my children and think of all the possible dreams I could have for them. THe child in this piece is acheiving dreams way beyond the imagination of any adult. (You made me look at it in a different way) My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep the pen to the paper and let creativity flow.
Chapter 1 - The Beginning (13+) I am driving, but something seems wrong. All of the green overhead signs are blank. #1206281 by -JR
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny daysa contestant of REVIEWERS RAMPAGE
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I fully admit this would be a chapter that I could not stop at. It leaves the reader wanting to know what is going to happen. The who what where when and why are all questions going through the readers mind. You have done a great job with your writing on this piece. Tips and Suggestions
I am going to try and keep my suggestions grouped by paragraphs in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought.
cannot is one word
after Might I be dead? I would recommend that you exchange the question mark for a comma and include the next sentence with this one. It will complete the entire question
I would check the use of contracted words in this paragraph. Sometimes by using contracted words you are taking away from the sentences. By writing out the words you can have the emphasis of the sentence in the correct place
2. You can omit the word of after exit off - it is not needed
3. cannot is one word
4. The second sentence seems a little wordy - have you considered "No longer the musty orange color it was when I was driving."
5. cannot is one word
to at least spend - I think you should try at least to spend
you can omit the word fairly before stable - it is not needed
6. you can omit the word of after off of the dirt... it is not needed
instead of creaks try using creaked open
Outstanding Highlight
As I feel around the contents in the drawers, I hear the click of an automatic pistol being cocked and feel a shiver of pure terror for the first time.
A great ending to a chapter... THis is what leaves the reader wanting to know what is happening. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep that pen to the paper and let the inspiration flow as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luv2mumble/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.35 seconds at 12:41am on May 06, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
