Footprints In Time (E) This is a poem I wrote for a class back when I was in High School. #1183580 by Marie
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny daysIn consideration of Reviewers Rampage
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I love this piece. It says so much in so few words. I think you are sending a great message to everyone out there. You did a great job. The flow and rhythm of this piece is so easy to fall into that it drags the reader right in. Tips and Suggestions
The only suggestion that I see for this piece as I think it stands well on its own is insert a space between the title and the piece itself. Simple formatting particulars. Outstanding Highlight
Wait until our feet sink
in-------
My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. It was a pleasure to read. I think you did a great job. Keep that pen to the paper and let the inspiration flow. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Life's Flight (E) This is another one of my poems i wrote while in high school. #1183627 by Marie
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You have a beautiful piece explaining the love of life. You have done a great job. The use of color is a nice touch. Tips and Suggestions
in the first line, after bird insert a comma
in the sixth line have you considered dropping the word AND
In the eighth line have you considered dropping the word AND
this last line seems to change the way you are thinking in regards to the feelings toward the family - It goes from the present tense to the past tense...changing the view of the piece Outstanding Highlight
The strength and courage to claim the sky. - If only we all had this our hopes and dreams would not seem so far off. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep the pen to the paper and let the inspiration flow.
Congratulations on posting your first piece. You did a great job.
You have a cute humorous piece here.
If you ever decide to work on this piece again - you may want to consider the rhythm of the poem The count of beats per line is very sparatic in the first line and fourth line causing a reader to lose the flow.
You did a great job. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Oh how the forbidden land seems to hold just what you want. A friend in this case. It is funny how when a kid looks at something they heard it can be put in a way that is so simple and yet make you think about some of the things that come out of our mouth. You did a great job with this piece. The flow is a tranquil flow with a touch of childish wonder. The formatting is great and easy on the eyes making the reader follow along with no problems Tips and Suggestions
In the end of the first stanza after climb the colon is not needed
in the third stanza after about the same age have you considered using a semi-colon here
in the fourth stanza when he realizes that they are the same age have you considered adding the word Yes before the same age - It might be something else but reading it out loud there seems to be something missing from this line. A beat to the rhythm Outstanding Highlight
I love the way the child questions about the wrong side of the track. As we grow older we lose the innocence of a child and it is refreshing to hear and read. My Final Say
I think you did a great job with this piece. It was a definate pleasure to read. I look forward to future creations of your artform. Keep that pen to the paper and let the inspiration roll.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This was beautiful. I could not imagine and dont want to try the pain of losing your mother. I think like this piece I would be lost. The emotion expressed of pain in this piece is well received by the reader wanting to reach out and hug the Little Lost Sheep. You did a great job with this piece. Tips and Suggestions
In the begining description of this piece you have a couple of spelling mistakes. - IN, HUMMINGBIRD'S, and the formating ML is not completed. (the ending of the bold)
In the second stanza first line - a comma is needed after faith
In the third stanza first line the comma is not needed after aches
The last stanza third line a comma is needed after heart. Outstanding Highlight
I want you back - it seems so unfair. I understand the point being said here to the full extend. I would be just as selfish and screaming UNFAIR. A term my dad has tried to teach me through all my years that LIFE IS UNFAIR. My Final Say
You did a great job with this piece. Congratulations. I look forward to reading more from you in the future, so keep that pen to the paper.
Rating: 4.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny daysin SUPPORT OF RAOK
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Oh my. I have to say being a parent my heart is right in there. The thoughts of this being a reality is paining my heart. I myself have been subject to a harrassment while walking across the parking lot one night and I know how scary this can be. Having to go back over again scares me to death. You have done a great job with this poem the thoughts and feelings are deeply written and portrayed to the reader. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands very well on its own
One line I struggled with when it came to the flow already established was the third stanza last line.
Have you considered knocking down the syllables in this line to help with the flow.
Such as
My thanks to God that the good Samaritan reached her before she was dead
Outstanding Highlight
I am not sure where I can say this piece stands out the most to me as I keep repeating the whole piece. I keep going over and reading the poem. Broken down I would have to say that it is the emotion that stands out in this piece. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep that pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This piece has great sentiment in two kinds of hearts. You described both sides beautifully. The softer heart with tender emotions and harder heart made of stone. This contest calls for stories not poetry, but after reviewing my own guidelines there is nothing that says I will not accept poems. Your entry is accepted. Tips and Suggestions
A beautiful piece, It stands well on its own. Contest Highlights
word count - great job
prompt - valentines and associated - within the guidelines. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Good luck in the contest. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Oh the terror of facing your own demons. It was a great read. You did a great job with this piece. The fight of having to face the choices of what one did for love is never easy but in this case it may be a bit more difficult. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands very well on it own. Contest Highlights
Word count - great job
Prompt - valentines and associated - the evils of love will haunt forever My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Good luck in the contest. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I am always up for reviewing. I seem to prefer when things are sent my way - Give me more reading time and less looking time.
If you need any help let me know.
This is a great idea - asking for the help and from there letting them choose genre or story types. It leaves the feeling of being valued for what you know you can do.
This review is in honor of your entry in "Invalid Item"
Thanks for entering
His Girl (13+) Very short story of a man with a knife, and a girl (for Tigger's 69-word contest) #1218853 by phyduex
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Great job. CSI writers watch out we have some competition. That is exactly what I felt reading this piece. Somthing from CSI. It was a great touch. I was not quite expecting that. Tips and Suggestions
instead of lied try using laid
Contest Highlights
Word count - Great job
Prompt - Valentines and associated - Right on target here. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look foward to reading more of your entries in the future. Good luck in the contest. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I Remember (13+) a simple poem about friendship, love and the loss of both in one fell swoop #1203671 by MyOwnSkye
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
A great little poem about letting someone know just how much they mean in their life by memories. You did a great job with the idea of this piece. Tips and Suggestions
Some words deserve CAPITALS such as I
Punctuation and capitalization in a poem is purely at the authors but I do recommend the use of it. It offers each sentence more emphasis within the verse.
The term I remember is a repetative line in this piece and well deserving of such but I feel that it is used a little too much. By having it once and then a few of the listings would ease the flow of the piece into a more rhythmatic stanzas
I remember what my life is like without you - this is present tense and does not seem right as you are talking about remembering so it should be past tense
Outstanding Highlight
I remember everything do you?
A line I have used a little too often in life so for me this is a personal outstanding point. My Final Say
Great job on your piece. keep that pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I am a firm beleiver in what goes around comes around and this story is a funny way of putting it. You have taken a part of everyones life either directly or indirectly(dealing with the school bully) and given it the justice we have all wanted done. Great job with the story line. Tips and Suggestions
There are a lot of references to the different TV shows some of which I can understand considering the age group this story would be targeted too such as Sponge Bob. What I am thinking though would Drew Carey style glasses be a good reference? It is an older show and yes humorous but is it suiting for this age group you are targeting.
The use of contracted words is not recommended except in first person narrative and dialogue. I would consider going over the piece and seeing where this might fit.
grimy is spelled incorrectly
no comma is needed after dark brown hair
fruit cocktail is not a hyphenated word
after "He looked up once..." try using a semi-colon instead of a comma
no comma is needed after "drinking his milk..."
Outstanding Highlight
Sweet revenge. I could just picture the bully with syrup on his face and his mouth hanging open. My Final Say
I think you did a great job on this piece. It was well written and deserving of high praise. Keep the pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
A more suiting title could almost be My Bloody Valentine. I loved it though. This is something I would have watched in a movie. Great work. Tips and Suggestions
Starting a sentence with the word is not recommended. There are a variety of other words you can use in place of this or you can try omitting the word. Contest Highlights
Word count - great job - Story told
Prompt - valentines day - My bloody Valentine My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Good luck in the contest. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This review is in honor of your entry in "Invalid Item"
Thanks for entering
Swallowing Love Whole (E) Valentine gifts to young boys often go unappreciated.. unless they include chocolate #1213210 by Sitaradaw
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Talk about a chewed up heart. What a way to say thanks! You did a great job with this piece. Congratulations. I loved the ending. Tips and Suggestions
Though this piece does stand well I do have a comment
With the begining of the word Idiot - you are lead to beleive it is Margarets thoughts - yet as you read on you understand that it is only his. He is assuming that she thought he would appreciate the card. This phrased as a question would change the whole assumption process. Contest Highlights
Word Count - Bravo. Story told
Prompt - Valentines day - a true melted Valentine My Final Say
Congratualtions on a job well done. I look forward to reading more entries from you in the future. Good luck in the contest. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You have done a great job on this piece. I could feel a sadness yet a calming reassurance while reading this piece. The sadness of death yet the assurance of knowing that the "Perfect Death" was acheived. Living your life with no regrets is a great accomplishment. You told the story well and the flow of this piece works well with the tale. Tips and Suggestions
a couple of spelling mistakes that I make all the time as well
Traveling
traveled
(as well there is a spelling mistake in your description at the end - count)
In the third stanza the last two lines. You could remove the the first question mark and replace it with a comma it seems to be an ongoing thought while reading this aloud.
the first two lines in the last stanza seem to miss out on the rhyme scheme Outstanding Highlight
What harm if only a skeleton of me remains?
If only a silent vestige upholds my name?
You have summed up death in only two little lines. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep that pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You have done a great job with this piece. The constraints of the word limit give you the added frustration of trying to get everything in that you want o include. I think you gave the story a great little twist at the end. FOr a second I almost thought there were shivers traveling through my body. Tips and Suggestions
Though I feel this piece stands well on its own I have one area that you may want to consider looking at. A small detail that would pass by many but you are talking about a new report and in most cases the news would state that an armed robbery had taken place instead of saying the store was robbed. Like I said something so small. Outstanding Highlight
I actually can picture a cabbage patch doll. Growing up I had two of them that to this day have remained in their boxes. I have always thought of them as so ugly they were cute, so of course the mention of someone holding one of those dolls brought me back to the ones I have My Final Say
You have done a great job with this piece. Keep the pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This is a great piece that I really feel all authors should have a look at. The idea of editing and having someone tell you that there is something wrong with one of your babies can be heartwrenching. Having a clear perspective on the matter enables one to take constructive critism the way it is suppose to be intended. Tips and Suggestions
This piece I find does stand well on its own and really needs no intervention however there are a couple of areas you may want to look at.
I would like to mention that the use of starting a sentence with the word But is not highly recommended but can slip by in some cases. After reading through this piece I noticed that there are alot of sentences starting with But. It almost gives the appearance of continuous after thoughts.
When you are talking about meeting Robert Frost at the age of seven: you write even then I wanted... You might want to consider including a comma after even then
Have you considered replacing the and with commas in revised and edited and spell-checked. Outstanding Highlight
Your comment on the ego trips. Good for you this is great. I feel is just a quick pat on the back with no relative to being helpful. An ego booster. My Final Say
I think you have done a great job with this piece. It conveys a strong message to all authors. Keep the pencil to the paper I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Friendship (E) It's a poem about what friendship means to me. #1224264 by Ashley
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This is a beautiful piece about friendship and what it means to you. You have done a great job conveying your feeling about this out in words. I can see from your writing that you take your friendships very seriously and value each one. Tips and Suggestions
In the first line you write theres it should read there's or there is
The first line and the title are the only ones that are centered. This is not very pleasing on the eyes in regards to format. May I suggest that you center the entire piece.
In the second line you have your it should read you're or you are
you can omit the phrase "when you're" before smiling... It is really not needed to complete your thought
In the fifth line instead of "is developed" have you considered develops Outstanding Highlight
The second line stands out the most in my mind - Friendship is smiling...Only because I am one that will hide behind a nothing is wrong attitude but my friends can see past that telling me I live with my emotions on my sleeve. My Final Say
You have done a great job. Keep that pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Rage (18+) Based on a true event. Brutal and tragic story of mother and daughter. #1166902 by bentonar
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
What a horrific tale. I could not imagine such terror. My eyes were glued to the screen the whole time thinking of my own two children and the possible route I could possibly take. You did a great job writing this piece. One could envision themselves as part of the story. Heart wrenching. My heart is still pounding. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to keep my suggestions and comments organized and grouped by paragraphs in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought.
First I would like to mention that the use of spaces between each paragraph makes the piece easier on the readers eyes. There is less chance of them reading over the same area more than once.
The use of contracted words is not recommended except in first person narrative and dialogue. Though this may follow with this piece May I suggest that you go over your use of contracted words. Sometimes it gives the sentence more emphasis
insert a comma after the word forehead
have you considered replacing "when he would be back from" with the word after. It gets rid of the wordiness of the sentence
you can omit the word very before supportive
Try not to start a sentence with the word and - there are many other words and terms you can use in place of this or you can try to omit the word
insert a comma after - After all
hard working does not require a hyphen
insert a comma after the word moment
try not to start a sentence with the word but. There are a variety of words you can use in place of this or you can try omitting this word
have you considered omitting "small details that matter, a" inserting "or" before a wink, and "that matters" after the word a wink
after "a child can go through" have you tried inserting a comma instead of a period and joining it with the next sentence
you can omit the word situation after emergency it is not needed
Try not starting a sentence with the word but
this paragraph stands well on its own
omelets is spelled incorrectly
this paragraph stands well on its own
after floor insert a comma and join the next sentence with this one. But try using "Fernando lived on the same floor,a nice old widower, who was always happy to get a visit from any of us."
Try no using the word so to start a sentence there are a variety of words you can use in place of this or you can try omitting this word.
The next three paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after minutes
insert a comma after "after all"
insert the word and before then I grabbed the eggs
you can omit the word basically after the word and it is not needed
the next ten paragraphs stand well on their own
jewelry is spelled incorrectly
the next four paragraphs stand well on their own
jewelry is spelled incorrectly
fulfill is spelled incorrectly
insert a comma after wrong
insert a comma after satisfied
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word and before plead
insert a comma after once more
insert a comma after pleaded
the next paragraph stands well on its own
omelets is spelled incorrectly
try not to start a sentence with the word so
traveling is spelled incorrectly
you can omit all in vain it is not needed
try not to start a sentence with the word so
insert a comma after bear it any more
the next paragraph stands well on its own
insert a comma after the word listen
the next seven paragraphs stand well on their own
try not to start a sentence with but or and
this paragraph stands well on its own
insert the word and before then he fell silent
omelet is spelled incorrectly
the second "a volcano" it is not needed it is repeatative
a question mark is required after its rage
omelet is spelled incorrectly
insert a comma after kitchen
this paragraph stands well on its own
insert a comma after shouting
insert a comma after now
Outstanding Highlight
I love the reference to her rage being like a volcano. Any mother could appreciate this description and relate very well to it. My Final Say
You did a great job with this piece. Keep the pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This is a tear jerking story of a parent losing their child over and over again. I have to admit that after reading this I would have to say that makes this father one of the strongest people I could ever come across. Being a single mother I know how important my children are in the day to day functioning of myself. I could not begin to think of being told how and when I could see and interact with my child. It was very well written. Tips and Suggestions
You have done a great job but there are a few things that you may want to look at. I will try to my suggestions in order grouped by paragraphs in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought
The use of contracted words is fine in first person narrative and speech but sometimes the use of writing out the words gives the statement more power. You may want to go over your piece and see where this fits.
The first nine paragraphs stand well on their own
instead of over and over again try using repeatedly
insert a semi-colon after function and not a comma
instead of she was programmed try the phrase - they programmed her
instead of that was try replacing this with the word which
stepfather is one word
instead of was not allowed try forbidden
omit the word were before continually cut
after my little girl try inserting a comma and omitting the word is
you can omit the word pretty before deep it is not needed
a comma is needed after Michelle
after my moments insert a comma instead of a period and include the next sentence as part of this one
omit they were before stolen from us
omit the comma after years
Outstanding Highlight
I could not live with losing my little girl over and over again. That describes beautifully how a parent would and does feel everytime someone has to say goodbye. No matter the length of time you are to be seperated. My Final Say
You did a great job. Keep the pen to the paper as I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
I absolutely love this picture. The colors and detail are positively amazing.
The use of the framing makes this a priceless picture one would want to hang on the wall. I like the way Pegasus' lights radiate through space - it gives it a bit more of the mystic.
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to viewing your port some more.
The colors of pink and purple splashing outwards from the center of the picture offers the 3D effect. The use of shadows and colors offers this a delightful view.
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to viewing your port further.
Rating: 3.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Drawn to a story of Pooh Bear. It could be one great story for children. It is simplistic and easy to read. A lovable character in which younger ones are drawn too. A little more detail as to the fun in which they had could make this one that they read over and over again. Tips and Suggestions
Eeyore is spellled incorrectly
Roo requires a capital - it is his name. Outstanding Highlight
Personally I just love anything with these characters. My Final Say
You did a great job. I look forward to reading more in the future. Keep the pen to the paper and let the creativity roll.
The Little Girl (13+) This is a short poem about a little girl's adventure in a graveyard. #1212047 by Ghost
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This was a very sad piece. The repeated use of little girl makes this piece hit the heart harder than saying she. It is sad to think that one can be on the border of life and death one moment and having a side choosen within minutes. You did a great job on this piece. Tips and Suggestions
If you are using capitals to start each line then it should be consistent. The last line requires a capital
By using punctuation at the end of the stanzas you might want to consider the punctuation within the stanza
commas need to be inserted after - graveyard (second stanza)graveyard (third stanza)angel (fourth stanza) Outstanding Highlight
The last stanza still rings through my head very clear. The point where tears threatened to fall My Final Say
You did a great job on this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep the pen to the paper and let the creativity roll.
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