I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 2.
This is a very emotive poem about a woman grieving the loss of her soldier husband. This was a particularly strong interpretation of the prompt for this round.
I was especially impressed with the opening two lines of this poem which create a strong image, evoking curiosity in the reader (why is the woman crying) and sucking them into the story you're telling.
You use rhyme well here. I especially like cheek/Mozambique. That was very creative. The only problem I have with any of your rhyme words is with your use of 'embark' in the first stanza. This doesn't work grammatically here as the right word for this context is 'embarkation' rather than 'embark'.
Your rhythm seems to be rather off in places, and I'm sure with some thoughtful editing the poem could be made to flow better. Reading the poem aloud will help you find the places where it needs work.
Overall a very good effort, and well done for tackling such an emotional topic.
Hello Ronnie Smiles. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.
I really like the subject matter of your poem - how writing can be an escape, and how we can touch people with our words. I also like your humility at the end of the poem where you write
All I ask is to be given a chance,
Never unthankful for your glance.
This makes for a strong ending.
That said, I think there are some problems with this poem, and that it needs some work.
The flow is a little disjointed and sometimes your word order seems forced to fit the rhyme; for instance
Relaxed, calm, comforted I be.
You overuse the word 'escape' early in your poem (3 times in the first six lines).
In the first line of your third stanza you capitalise the I in 'It's'. This I needs to be lower case as it comes in the middle of a sentence.
You have a regular rhyme scheme throughout your poem but this is broken in the first two lines of your third stanza where you end the lines with 'strange' and 'age' respectively. These don't rhyme and disrupt the flow of the poem, having a jarring effect on the reader.
In the last line of the fourth stanza you write 'with holden'. I'm not sure if this is correct English. If it is it probably needs a hyphen to join the words.
The first line of your final stanza:
So write I so you will know
doesn't scan. I wonder if this is just an error and you intended 'write' and 'I' to be the other way around. The line would certainly be improved by swapping them around. Also having 'so' twice in one line is unnecessary. The line would be further approved if the first so is simply removed. The line would then become 'I write so you will know'. In the line after this I think 'I have patience' sounds better than 'Patience I have'.
These suggestions only represent my opinion so please feel free to use whatever is useful and discard the rest.
This is a dramatic little poem about clashing forces of nature. I really enjoyed reading it and found the use of the present tense really drew me in, giving the poem immediacy.
I did spot one small error: in your middle stanza you write 'the nimbus clouds/engulfs'. As 'clouds' is plural you should use engulf without the s on the end.
Also the last stanza reads as if it's the thunder that's pouring the rain on the earth. I think a careful rewording of the last couple of lines of the poem could remove this ambiguity.
Hello Amber Autry. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.
Sorry you've received this review twice but the first time I forgot to make it public so I'm having to resubmit it
Firstly, I must say that I was surprised to read from your description that this is your first attempt at poetry. I really hope it isn't your last as you seem to have a natural flair for it. It still needs some work, and I have a couple of suggestions that I hope will help with this.
In the third line of your first stanza you write 'Red an purple'. That should be Red and purple.
You begin your last stanza with the lines
The soul of these moving words
Aren’t only created from within
Soul is singular so your second line should begin with Isn't rather than 'Aren't'.
You use imagery very well in this poem and this really helped me visualise what you were writing.
I love the title of your poem, and how it seems to have two meanings: writing naturally as in just letting the words flow unforced, and writing about nature.
Something else I really liked about this poem is the alliteration in the last two lines with the Is and the Ss.
Overall then this is a very strong piece of writing which shows you have natural talent and real potential as a poet. I hope you will continue writing poetry, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hello JOY-on LOA. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.
This is a wonderfully uplifting poem about how sharing our vulnerabilities with a loved one can result in those vulnerabilities being transformed. It's very short but conveys a great deal in few words. Reading this put a smile on my face and a warm glow in my heart.
This poem flows beautifully and I have no suggestions for improvement. There are no errors whatsoever, and no wasted words.
I particularly love your use of 'shaking hands'. This is a very specific image that really personalises the poem and helps to elicit an emotional reaction from the reader.
I found this a pleasure to read. Many thanks for sharing it.
Hello Oldwarrior. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 3.
I really enjoy narrative verse that tells a good story. I found your tale of love and loss across lifetimes and half a millenia utterly compelling.
Kudos to you for taking your borrowed line from Ghostranch's poem. A very good line it is too!
I think there's room in this poem for a little tightening to strengthen what is already very strong work. For example, I think you slightly overuse the word 'evil'. Some of these uses could be replaced with alternatives; for instance in the following line:
Evil men with evil souls had torn her life asunder,
the second use of 'evil' could be replaced with something like twisted or darkened.
Towards the end of the poem I'm not sure if for many years might work better than 'over many years'. Just a suggestion.
'On a wet and raining night' is a phrase I think could be improved. To me wet and raining both seem to say pretty much the same thing. Also I'd personally use rainy rather than raining. This is only my opinion though.
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 3.
I like this poem a lot. You've used the prompt well and chosen a great quote (I really like that Robert Frost poem).
I found the subject matter reflective and thought provoking.
I like your choice to use a regular rhyme scheme here. Some of your rhyming words are really great - I particularly like 'foam/home'. The only rhyme that jarred with me a little was 'before/rancor' I think this is because the first syllable of each of these words sounds so different. This detracts from your flow and rhythm in my opinion.
It's your rhythm which is the only weak point here. As well as the rhyme above there are a couple of other places where the rhythm slips a little. It may be useful to read the poem out loud and see where the flow isn't quite there. For example I think your third line might flow a little better without the word 'both'. You can take this word away without losing any of your meaning.
So overall, a great poem. I just think it could use a little polishing to really flow all the way through. Just my opinion though.
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 2.
I like the narrative style and gothic feel of this poem. I also liked your use of rhyme.
I do have a few suggestions for possible improvements:
Each night she'd say her prayers to the gods above
and waited patiently for each new day to unveil.
Here you seem to have mixed your tenses. To rectify this you either need to change 'she'd say' to she said or 'waited' to wait.
Although your use of rhyme helps create a good rhythm, the pace is weakend in places by the use of unnecessary words. For example:
the dreams that she had seen were found within his eyes.
The word 'that' is superfluous here. The line flows better without it, and its removal wouldn't result in any loss of meaning. Your writing can be tightened by getting rid of any redundant words. Make every word count, and work for you.
You use the phrase 'in her youth' both in your second and third stanza. This jarred with me a little. Is there anyway you can find an alternate phrase for one?
Not prayers or incantations, not arcane medicine,
could stem his downward spiral, leaving her distraught.{/quote}
I think here your use of not reads a little awkwardly. Also I don't think you need the comma after 'medicine'. It's worth considering trying an alternative such as the following:
No prayers, incantations or arcane medicine
could stem...
I think 'At his grave' may work better than 'On his grav', as the latter conjures up inappropriate images of her physically standing on his grave.
I hope you find these comments helpful.
Overall, a very good poem that just needs a big of careful editing.
Hello Oldwarrior. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 2.
I'm very impressed with this poem. What a lovely Valentine's day gift to your wife. I found this to be a moving poem so I'm sure she was deeply touched by it.
I think this poem is sweet and sentimental without being cliched or mushy--a tricky thing to achieve when writing something so personal.
I like your use of rhyming couplets. This helps your poem flow beautifully overall. However, the pacing is ocassional slowed by unnatural pauses caused by an overuse of unnecessary--sometimes even grammatically incorrect--commas. Here are some examples:
But in my mind it’s the little things, that memory holds so dear
From you I learned the boundless ways, a child can learn to grow
we grew to know, our faults
A love for all beyond compare, that makes you warm and kind.
Apart from the need to lose some commas, I have no other criticisms or suggestions for improvement.
This poem is a real pleasure to read, and I love some of your turns of phrase. One of my favourite couplets is:
Our youth was just a passing thing, to teach us how to share,
To teach us love and harmony, to show us how to care.
I think that's wonderful. It expresses a beautiful sentiment. It also provides another example of an unnecessary comma (after 'thing' in the first line).
Hello . I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 2.
I enjoyed this poem overall, and like it's simple and positive message.
However, I do feel there are some problems here which weaken the poem.
Firstly the rhythm and flow is a little bumpy - reading the poem aloud should point you to where this area needs attention.
Although you use some good rhyming words (I especially like chariot/lariat), some of your rhymes do seem a little forced. The one that really jumped out for me was 'forest/purest'. This particularly jarred because the second line is so obviously twisted round to get the rhyming word in the right place. You turn purest resources round so it reads 'resources purest' and this really doesn't work.
Your lines:
Life is a cute monster,
Use the strength and power as you foster.
leave me asking 'foster what exactly?' This really isn't made clear. I must say I rather like the image of life being a cute monster though
I had difficulty with your ending to this poem. I found your last two lines overlong and this really disrupts the flow of the poem. Also I found the last line quite confused, and couldn't really get the meaning of it. Perhaps this is partly because you were trying to force the final rhyme too much. The ending of a poem can be very powerful if used well, and I feel you have enough of a message to really have a great ending, so I think it would be worthwhile spending time on these last two lines.
So, overall, a nice poem that could be much improved with some careful work.
I hope my suggestions have been helpful but they are only my opinion.
Hello Jimminycritic. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 2.
I really enjoyed reading this short, powerful poem. I particularly like the way you gradually reveal the narrator's situation - this creates a real punch/twist at the end. Very effective.
I also like the way you break up the lines - the two single-word lines in the second stanza have a great effect.
Presenting the poem with a first person view point really draws the reader in and adds to the emotional impact of the poem. This was a good choice.
I do have a few minor criticisms/suggestions:
you change tense between your stanzas from the present to the past. I feel the poem would be even stronger if you keep the present tense throughout (changing 'heard' to hear). This would keep the reader more rooted in the moment.
your capitalisation at the beginning of your lines is a little erratic. I think you either need to give 'Crying' a small c or capitalise the first letter of all your lines.
the last line of your first stanza needs an extra comma (after 'feel').
I'm not 100% sure you've given this poem the best possible title. The crying referred to in the poem is a sign of mourning but not a direct call to the narrator, and the narrator doesn't seem to call out at any point in the poem. This is only a thought, and just my personal opinion but you may want to think about an alternative.
I hope you find these comments helpful.
Overall I am really impressed with this poem. With a bit of a polish it could be even better. I hope to have the opportunity to read more of your work.
Hello Sticktalker. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.
For someone who confesses to not 'doing' poetry, this is a good attempt at writing a poem! I enjoy the simplicity of it, and on the whole it flows quite well.
The one stanza I really have problems with is:
A man holds a finger
The child not in anger
Holds it very tight
Here you repeat 'holds'. I think replacing one of these with another word ('clasps' for instance) would work better. I don't think finger/anger, being only a partial rhyme, works as well as the other rhymes in the poem. Also the wording is a little clumsy here - it reads as if the man and the child are holding the same finger (changing 'it' to 'on' in the last line might help).
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon. I am one of the judges of the Invalid Item contest. Thank you very much for entering round 1.
I found this a thoughtful, touching poem, a very effective and poignant eulogy to your father.
Your rhyming words are well chosen. You have a strong opening that captures the reader's attention immediately. I also particularly enjoyed your second and last stanza's.
The only part of this poem that really jarred with me was the last line of your first stanza:
Such burdens that his hands have bore.
Bore is past tense so 'have' is redundant and reads awkwardly. I suggest removing it. That leaves the line a little short though so perhaps insert a one syllable word to describe his hands ('old' perhaps).
My only other suggestion is to change 'upon' in your last line to on because this line reads a little long to me which slightly weakens the ending.
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Weekly Style: The Triquatrain - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: The narrative voice of this really draws the reader in. This flows really well apart from the half-rhyme of 'rooms/ruins' which really didn't work for me and slowed the poem down a little in my opinion.
Description & use of device: You use description really well. I could imagine myself right there with you cowering under the basement stairs during the tornado. I would have liked to have seen greater use made of the week's device (metaphor).
Comments & suggestions: No suggestions apart from those mentioned above.
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Weekly Style: The Villanelle - unfortunately you have some of your repeat lines in the wrong places. You begin both your fourth and fifth stanzas with the repeated line when it should come at the end of the stanza. In the last stanza the two repeated lines are back to front.
Voice and pace: I like the reflective, slightly mournful tone of this. You have a good pacing throughout.
Description & use of device: You use some good descriptions here, especially of clothing. Great, creative use of onomatopoeia. I especially like 'careening car crashes'. Using 'muffled' and 'hollers' in the same line is inspired as well.
Comments & suggestions: I like your rhymes in this poem. You've got a really good title, and a very strong opening line which works particularly well as a repeated line. Your other repeat line I don't feel is as strong, and the 'of' at the beginning of it is a little problematic.
Overall, despite the problems with the repeating lines, this is a strong attempt at a difficult form. Well done!
this is a moving, poignant poem about a prisoner on Father's Day estranged from his children. Your words are well chosen and have a good, even flow to them.
The only problems you have here are with punctuation: primarily (as in the other poem I reviewed) an overuse of semicolons either where no punctuation is needed (as at the end of the third lines of your 1st and 3rd stanza) or where a comma would do.
Also, although you have the apostrophy in place in the title, the two occurances of Father's Day in the poem itself are missing the apostrophy.
In your third stanza, the comma after 'knew' should be a full stop.
Otherwise this is a great poem and I can't fault your word choice at all.
This is a wonderful little story in poetry form. An encouraging, uplifting tale of how God marks each of us whose hearts are open. This flows well but it does need some editing to fully meet its potential.
Here are my suggestions.
The second line of some of your stanzas are indented (and on a couple of occasions the third line). If you're using indentation then it needs to be consistent throughout the poem.
So I asked about this tattoo; or that one;
with very little to tell.
This reads like it's the narrator who has very little to tell. To avoid this confusion, I'd put a full-stop (period) after 'one' and then make the second line 'He had very little to tell'
' He had spoke' . This should be either he spoke or he had spoken.
'as he rose to make exit.' I think you need to change this to 'make his exit' or simply 'as he rose to leave.
such a beautiful tattoo?"
Surely you know the man or place.'
Here the closing quotations should come after 'place' rather than 'tattoo'
and said, "you already have."
"But make no mistake; not from me."
Here I think 'you already have' should be 'you already have one'. Also you don't need two lots of speech marks as it is the same person talking with no interruption.
"Rather, when you opened your cold heart;
He spoke to you."
"It was then it was etched upon you."
Here again you have two pairs of speech marks when only one is needed. Also the semi-colon at the end of the first line quoted would be fine changed to a comma. This is just one example of times in the poem where you use a semi-colon when a comma would suffice.
You have a tendency to overpunctuate the ends of your lines. Putting commas and semi-colons where grammatically the line should run into the next. The key here is to punctuate your sentences in poetry as you would in prose. As examples, you don't need the semi-colon in your first stanza and the only punctuation needed in the second stanza is the full-stop at the end.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful. Of course it is only my opinion. At the end of the day, use what you feel is useful and discard the rest.
Overall, this is very good work and a wonderful idea. Also I must say I really like the imagery of the fireflies.
Comments & suggestions: I found some of your phrasing and punctuation difficult. This can really obscure your meaning. For example, the following doesn't make sense to me (either grammatically or in substance):
birds, beauty, resounding
are expansive and free
Grammatically, 'birds, beauty resounding,' would make more sense. I still wouldn't describe birds as 'expansive' though.
I'm not sure about your use of dashes here. I found this a little confusing.
You do have the makings of a good poem here but it needs some careful editing to make what you want to say clearer.
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Weekly Style: The Quadrilew - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: I like the light tone of this. Your words flow very well.
Description & use of device: Nice imagery. I love the metaphor of children as monkeys.
Comments & suggestions: In your lines:
while monkeys with head colds
with nothing to wear
the double use of 'with' makes it read as if it's the head colds that have nothing to wear! I suggest changing the second line to 'and nothing to wear'.
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Weekly Style: The CinqTroisDecaLa Rhyme - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: I like the thoughtful, reflective tone of this, and the idea of arrested time (I often wish I could make time stop so I can catch up!). You have a fairly even, smooth pace which can be a little tricky to achieve with this form.
Description & use of device: You have some nice descriptions, especially of the little girl clinging to her father's neck as she sits in his lap. You use the senses well.
Comments & suggestions: Although contracted or incomplete sentences can work effectively in poetry, I feel it's a little too apparant that there are missing words between your last two lines. The phrasing here feels awkward and forced because of the syllable count: the weakest part of an otherwise very good poem.
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Weekly Style: Late entry CinqTroisDecaLa Rhyme - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: The first word of your poem is 'Wistful' and this both sets and describes the tone of what follows. This is nicely paced overall but see note below.
Description & use of device: You have some nice descriptions here and use the senses well throughout.
Comments & suggestions: The repetition of 'time' in lines 6 and 7 jarred a little for me as I read this and disturbed the flow a little. Also in line 6 'when' doesn't really serve a purpose except to make up the syllable count. 'I think and recall' doesn't really work for me either. You'd either say I think about or I recall but not use both together. I think this is a weak line in an otherwise strong poem and needs some work. Of course this is just my opinion.
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Weekly Style: The CinqTroisDecaLa Rhyme - you have completed this style successfully!
Voice and pace: You use a soft and gentle tone that's just right for the subject matter. I love the way you use alliteration in this poem; that helps achieve a beautiful flow.
Description & use of device: Some lovely descriptions here. You use the senses well throughout.
Comments & suggestions: I think you may have got things a little back to front in the last line. You would say rakes and hoes were the sod harvester tractors of yesteryear, or sod harvester tractors are the modern equivelent of rakes and hoes. With that in mind, I'd consider changing 'yesteryears'' to modern day.
This is a fun, pacey little horror story that I really enjoyed reading. Establishing early on that the pixie only targets evil victims (the kind that would prey on little girls) puts the reader firmly on her side. This reminds me of Anne Rice's vampires, a number of whom only target evil human beings as victims. This idea of the hunter becoming the prey is a great theme; one you give extra power to with your twist ending.
I do have a couple of small suggestions for improvement:
1)in your second paragraph you use both 'pixy' and 'pixie'. Both are valid spellings but you need to be consistent. Pixie is the more common spelling so I would go with that.
2)
I made eye contact with one of society's classless humans. He was hanging out at the front of one of the massage parlors in the neighborhood known for its x-rated attractions.
In these lines you use 'one of' twice. This reads a little awkwardly and slows down the pace of the story. This can be resolved by tightening up the second sentence. How about this as an alternative:
He was hanging out in front of a local massage parlor known for its x-rated attractions.
I really like your use of the rocking horse (or pony rocker) in this story.
Great stuff.
Best wishes,
Mark
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Although your use of rhyme helps create a good rhythm, the pace is weakend in places by the use of unnecessary words. For example:
You use the phrase 'in her youth' both in your second and third stanza. This jarred with me a little. Is there anyway you can find an alternate phrase for one?
Not prayers or incantations, not arcane medicine,
I think 'At his grave' may work better than 'On his grav', as the latter conjures up inappropriate images of her physically standing on his grave.
