*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/meeple/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: OFF
291 Public Reviews Given
335 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I give reviews with the intent to improve the writing. I am honest, helpful and detail oriented. I am not the person to come to if you are simply looking for a pat on the back, although I give them out when earned.
I'm good at...
Catching punctuation and grammar mistakes. I will tell you when things just don't flow of me, or 'feel' wrong, and offer my opinions about how you might try smoothing it out.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, children's, teen, history,
Least Favorite Genres
romance, erotica
Favorite Item Types
short stories, novels
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry,
I will not review...
Things that are not really 'writing' (folders, campfires, in & outs, interactive stories, word searches, crosswords, etc...)
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 -4- ... Next
76
76
Review by Meeple
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello. I am reviewing your piece "GLORY II Chapter 1 for the "Invalid Item.

Summary:
Chapter one introduces us to a young girl and her family, a confederate prisoner and his captors, and a soldier who is not what he appears.

General Impressions:
You have a very strong premise here along with some believable characters and great dialogue. I look forward to reading the entire book.

Emotional Impact:
*Star* It was very successful in gaining my interest and involving my heart. I now care about these people and I *must* know what happens next.
*Star* “what kind of men would sell their very souls to Satan by robbing and murdering innocent women and children of the newly independent Confederacy. “
Nice way go tell us they are Southerners, while still hinting to readers how young and naive the girls are.

Suggestions for improvement:
*Star* Altogether(,) she would be considered a strikingly beautiful young country girl.
*Bullet* This is one example of the use of a passive voice, when an active voice would be better. By saying ‘would be’, it’s allowing the possiblilty that she might not be. If you change it to ‘was’ or ‘is’ there’s no room for doubt. “The beauty of this country girl is striking.”
*Star* Both (add: girls) winced as the prisoners
*Star* Laura was fascinated by the stories of army life Jenny told her, and obversely(adversely), Jenny was
*Star* he would never forget her face, that some day (one word), some way, he would have his revenge against her.
*Bullet* I’m totally enthralled with this story, and was enjoying reading it until I came to this line. It snapped me back to reality and reminded me that I was editing your work, not reading it purely for pleasure. It seemed to blunt to me. I know from this line that there will be a great confrontation with this man eventually. I would make it more subtle, make readers think about it, but don’t tell them straight out what will come in the future chapters.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
*Star* since the day before and
*Bullet* The day before what? I would reword it to include a more specific time.
*Star* there was no doubt in Laura's mind that three of their best
*Bullet* ‘how’ or ‘why’ instead of ‘that’
*Star* Laura pulled her back down with a scowl,
*Bullet* delete back – redundant.
*Star* ‘the aroma of frying fat back slowly’
*Bullet* I’m not sure how to fix this line. Is ‘fat back’ an actual term, or is the word back, just misplaced?
*Star* After the lengthy blessing
*Bullet* change ‘the’ to ‘a’
*Star* however, I had no
*Bullet* however(;) I had no
*Star* Don't know as how I ever kilt anyone," Jenny replied
*Bullet* Missing a “ at the beginning.
*Star* she was no where near the Yankee camp
*Bullet* nowhere = one word

Final Thoughts:
You've got me hooked!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here's a link to see "Invalid Item.
77
77
Review of Blue Fyre  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Blue Fyre for the "Invalid Item.

*Note5*First Impressions:
*Check2* It takes a while to get into the flow of the words, but once I let myself see the text as images, I was completely enthralled. I intend to read more, and I look forward to learning more about the dragon.

*Note2*My Favorite Part:
*Check4*As the night wears on her elation turns to pain; / For a life - nay two lives were taken,
This is a bit that really makes the dragon come to life for me. It humanizes her, for lack of a better term, and makes my heart long to follow her story.

*Note3*Suggestions for Improvement:
*Check1* Like a deer in headlights;
This seems very modern and pulled me out of your story. It refers to cars and highways where my mind was trying to imagine dragons and magic.
*Check1* not to be this place in time as they meet.
I'm not sure how to improve this, I just want to point out that it was confusing to me. I'm not sure what is meant. Is there any way to clear it up?
*Check1* His Dark Lord turns to run
The Wolf's Dark Lord? This is the first time the Dark Lord is mentioned. If she just killed the Wolf, which he was riding, I would have expected him to be mentioned earlier.
*Check1* His steed she-- / Allows to run free...
Now it seems that the Dark Lord was riding a horse. But if that were the case then he shouldn't have 'run' in an earlier line, for to run implies that he is under his own power.


*Note1*Technical Edits For Your Consideration:
*Check5* she faces her enemy as he nears.. (drop the extra period.)


*Note4*Final Notes:
*Check3* I look forward to reading more of this story. You've done a good job with the opening and I hope the rest of your work is as fulfilling.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here's a link to see "Invalid Item.
78
78
Review of A Dozen Roses  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello. I am reviewing your piece "A Dozen Roses for the "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item

*Note5*First Impressions:
*Check2* My inner voice seems to get into a sing-song rhythm whenever I read verse, and so when the meter is off, my voice stumbles. Either your meter is off, or I'm singing the wrong song.
*Check2* That being said, I thought the poem was very funny.
*Check2* I expected the picture to have something to do with the poem, but I'm not seeing the connection.

*Note2*My Favorite Part:
*Check4*The only thing that saved me / was the laughing of the crowd.
This was the laugh out loud moment for me.


*Note3*Suggestions for Improvement:
*Check1* As above.
*Check1* Really, it's very good. The storyline is great the way it is, some new word choices might make it flow more smoothly.

*Note1*Technical Edits For Your Consideration:
*Check5* When I asked “What did you do?”
Change 'I' to 'she'. It sound like the listener asked the question rather than the second woman.
*Check5* The verse starting with...I know that sneaky S.O.B....needs quotes around it. She's talking.

*Note4*Final Notes:
*Check3* Very clever! I enjoyed it, and I'm sure many others will as well.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here's a link to see "Invalid Item.
79
79
Review of WEEKEND WARRIORS  
Review by Meeple
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello. I am reviewing your piece "WEEKEND WARRIORS for the "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item.

*Note5*First Impressions:
*Check2* You sure are good at bringing on the tears.

*Note2*My Favorite Part:
*Check4* A five-year-old boy with dimpled cheeks, the image of his father...
It'd a good hook. I immediately felt for the little guy.

*Note3*Suggestions for Improvement:
*Check1* Rather than telling us about the '200,000 Veterans of other wars who are denied Veteran's medical benefits' and so on, perhaos you could tell another few stories to get your point across. In my opinion, you are being a little heavy-handed once you step out of the story telling and into the telling-us-the-facts. Perhaps tell us what you want us to know through more stories. A man in a hospital bed reading Valentines from days gone by. A man who only hears from his family on holidays, A disabled vet who lost his love when he lost his legs and now only has the handful of Valentine's Day cards to remember her by. To address the issue of civilians visiting, tell a story abotu how glad a vet alone is when a volunteer introduces a new visitor and how it's easy to find things to talk about once they start actually talking.

I know a lot of people stop reading when they feel they are being preached to, especially when the preacher is right. Stories tug at your heart now, but feed the mind soon after. Show, don't tell.

*Note1*Technical Edits For Your Consideration:
*Check5*he looks up and (he = delete, redundant) says,
*Check5*be back again?(")

*Note4*Final Notes:
*Check3* You have strong feelings on these issues and it comes through in every piece you write.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here's a link to see "Invalid Item.
80
80
Review of Sunrise  
Review by Meeple
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Sunrise for the "Invalid Item and "Invalid Item

*Note5*First Impressions:
*Check2* It's sweet. It's lovely, and she'll love it.

*Note2*My Favorite Part:
*Check4* And fire in your soul.
You begin by giving us all the sweetness of the girl. Adding a stronger element at the end really highlights that element.

*Note3*Suggestions for Improvement:
*Check1* The wind whispers in your voice.
I would change 'in' to 'with'. I know it messes with the repetition, but it makes a stronger impact. Also, the first line talks about how you feel when you're with her, but changing 'in' to 'with' tells her how you feel when you're away.

*Note1*Technical Edits For Your Consideration:
*Check5* scattered should be scatter(s) to match tenses.

*Note4*Final Notes:
*Check3* It's wonderful. She's lucky to get it.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here's a link to see "Invalid Item.
81
81
Review of GLORY II Prologue  
Review by Meeple
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello. I am reviewing you piece "GLORY II Prologue for the "Invalid Item.

Note: I'm a (light) civil war buff, so this piece has piqued my interest. I've read the introduction and the Prologue and am going to try to read the whole thing, but it's a bit long so it could take a while, since I'm in the Writers Academy and the Paper Doll Gang as well as selling my reviewing skills in auctions here and there.

General Impressions:
I want to know what happened to Monday that has him upset! I am also interested in learning more about General Forrest. I read civil war fiction, but nothing I've read has dealt much with him. You have a strong opening idea, that Monday has to get this event - whatever it is - out of his system.

Emotional Impact:
*Star* Since this is only the first chapter, or pre-chapter as it were, there's not a lot of emotional impact. It has a good hook and has me wanting to know more. That’s exactly what it should be doing.

Suggestions for improvement:
*Star* One thing I've noticed is that in a lot of areas you have pronouns that are not clear.
You have two men talking, so you need to be careful with how you use the pronoun 'he'.
*Bullet* After the Mexican war (change ‘he’ to ‘Monday’) signed on as a scout
*Bullet* “Take whatever time you need,” General Forrest stated, “Likely we’ll be here a spell.” He nodded as Monday turned and gently patted him on the shoulder. The General was not accustomed to such familiarity, however, with Sergeant Major Stiehl there were no holdbacks. (This is confusing. Who is touching, who does not like it? It needs to be clearer, but I’m not sure how, exactly. It’s just awkward.)
*Star* At the end of the chapter, when he begins to write, I have the following advice. If he’s not very good at words and writing, then it’s likely that he uses the least amount of them to get his point across. He wouldn’t necessarily write like he speaks. He’d use words that are easiest to spell, and not add many unneeded words.
*Bullet* I must needs to tell… (I need to tell…)
*Bullet* “(Delete?: Let me put down here from the git go, A) lot of the things I’m gonna write down were told to me by other people a long time after they really happened, and some things I have no honest way of proving other than I knowed the two (add: men involved) quite well. But, memories being what they are, and the fact that some people just naturally add their own bits and pieces of remembering to things they heard or thought they heard, some parts of this here story may not be exactly as it really happened. To the best of my recollecting I'm going to try to be fair and accurate. (I don’t like the word ‘recollecting’ here. Maybe: I'm going to try to be as fair and accurate as I can be, but I’m a fallible human, just like you.) (I’ve take creative liberty here. Ignore it if I’ve overstepped.)


Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
*Star* the right sleeve bearing (bore) the faded markings
*Star* The man's general appearance gave the impression of ignorance, insolence, and nonchalance. But, one quick glance at his eyes shattered those initial impressions. (Delete: to the wind. Mixed metaphor)
*Star* but above all else(,) dominance.
*Star* a man no one in their right mind would intentionally challenge. (End it here. The rest of the sentence is redundant)
*Star* This officer was one of the few men, living or dead, he would consider (delete ‘as’) an equal.  
*Star* back in 47,” Monday replied, “A(a)nd you know darn well
*Star* politics and every body (one word: everybody) tellin' me to get behind the troopers
*Star* signed on as a scout and guide for a number of wagon trains heading West. He was still doing that when the South started their struggle for independence against the Union.
*Right* I would reword this section to say, ”signed on as a scout and guided a number of wagon trains successfully to the west before the South started their struggle for independence from the Union.
*Bullet* First, it sounded like one huge wagon train that he led, instead of several individual runs.
*Bullet* Second, since we know that he becomes a military man, do you want to use the word ‘scout’ in this context? It has a military meaning as well as a civilian one and might be slightly confusing. Perhaps a ‘mountain man’ or ‘trail guide’ might be more appropriate? I’m not sure what I would say. I, personally, might stick with ‘scout’, but I thought I’d bring it to your attention and let you think it through.
*Star* both North and South should be capitalized when it refers to a group of people.
*Star* “Reckon I failed the boy,” Monday stated, picking a piece of tobacco from between his teeth.
(*Paragraph* New paragraph) General Forrest waited patiently for him to continue, aware (delete:now) that for some time (delete: that) (something: the past) had been gnawing at his friend’s thoughts(. S)ince he had helped to precipitate the event that continued to (bother: haunt?) Monday, he had a good idea what it was.
*Bullet* Since I just started reading this novel, I’m not sure what event is being referred to here, but the word ‘bother’ is very soft. It’s weak. I assume there’s a more appropriate word that fits here, but I don’t know what it is. Same goes for ‘something’. Forrest knows that it is, but the word something suggests that he doesn’t.
*Star* down at Brice's. (Delete Kinda, you just used it a sentence ago.) Let people
*Star* keeping himself(,) and the goat-brained greenhorns under his care(,) from getting killed.
*Star* drew the rich nicotine-charged smoke deep into his lungs (did they have the word ‘nicotine’? It seems a bit modern.)
*Star* , he begin (began) to write.


Final Thoughts:
*Star* As with most historical fiction I am always wondering where the line between truth and fiction lies. Is Monday a real person, or a fiction?

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Here's a link to see "Invalid Item.
82
82
Review by Meeple
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I just read "I will serve you till I die... and thought I'd drop a line with the following comments...

General Impressions:
*Star* This is a clever poem on it's own, even without the prompt. The picture itself is a bit blah, and the poem out shines it.

Emotional Impact:
*Star* It has a tinge of sadness, mingled with humor. Nice.

My favorite part:
*Star* I will serve you till I die!
Such a clever take on the words. I would use something else for the title though, perhaps just Tulips, or Cut Flowers.

Suggestions for improvement:
*Star* to endure lying under the steel disgrace,
*Right* I'm not sure what this means.

Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
*Star* Smiling, withering(,) without a sigh,
*Star* I am drying, drooping (,) on the wane,
*Star* I wish the rays cross the hindering pane before night!
*Right* Perhaps change 'wish' to 'hope' or add 'would' beore cross.

Final Thoughts:
*Star* I like it. A good use of the prompt!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
83
83
Review of My Plague  
Review by Meeple
Rated: E | (4.0)
You've created a poem that we can all relate to. Nicely done.

I have only one technical edit for you to think about...

>> I can not find
cannot is one word.

Also, a personal opinion to take or leave as you see fit:
The title seems a bit too dramatic for the piece. I don't have a better offering, it's just an observation.

Thanks for sharing your piece,
Good Luck.
84
84
Review of The Fall  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You did a great job fitting the story to the prompt without making it too literal. I like the way you created a dark setting to go with the dark prompt. The same mood fills the interaction between father and son. The idea that he drew the picture was a good one, too. I don't think anyone else did that. Good work!
85
85
Review of Just Desserts  
Review by Meeple
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4*First Impressions:
It's cute and has a good message and moral, but I think some rhymes are a bit forced, leading to some words being used which I don't think kids will understand.

*Note4*Emotional Impact:
I enjoyed the idea as a whole, but there were only a few pages that I think would stand alone. (Personal note: I read a lot of books to toddlers and I like it when I can flip to any page at random and read it to them. They're still young enough to not care where we are in the story, they just flip pages until thry find a picture they like.)

*Note4*My favorite parts:
Nice title, and you had a great beginning. I liked the peas into brownies.

>> corn on the ear!
I can see all sorts of goofy illustrations to fit with that term.

>> They jumped on their beds and bounced off the walls,
>> spinning around crazy, like wee human squalls.
Again, great for an illustration.

*Note4*Suggestions for improvement:
>> Many years ago, a long time whence,
>> this parents' idea had made so much sense.
This section just doesn't work for me. Whence is awkward, as is the phrase 'this parent's idea'. I'm not sure who 'this parent' is, or which idea - the eat dessert or the eat greens?

>> Quite sick they were now of cakes, cookies and all things like that,
>> but quite addicted they were now to foods that made fat.
This one seems a little wordy, and I'm not sure it really ties with the line after it very well. I'd like to know how they broke the addiction.

*Note4*Technical edits for your consideration:

>> now we’re as happy can be.”
as happy *as* can be.

>> So return to the grimaces and gripes parents must,
>> or all civilization was destined for dust.
I suggest you end the first line with fuss and reword it to make it smoother.

*Note4*Final Thoughts:
NOTE: These are my opinion only, as a teacher and a mother. Please ignore whatever you don't agree with.
You asked if it's ready for publication. In my opinion it's not quiet there, although it's not too far away. What I would suggest is to read each line and think about what a kid would get out of it. They don't hear words the way we do. They hear ideas. They see pictures. Look at each section/page and imagine a picture that would pull them in. Make sure that the words are simple enough. Right now, it's a bit too complex.

When you're done with this book, I will buy a copy.


86
86
Review of The Dialogue 500  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh, this is a fun contest. I intent to keep an eye on in an enter it whenever I have the time.

I read a few random entries to see what I needed to do and found quite a few really clever little stories. I'm going to have to come back and read the archives.

Thanks for keeping this one alive. It's a blast!
87
87
Review of razors  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Wow! That's powerful stuff. It's strong emotionally, so I think successful in that way.

I offer the following technical edits:

>> long white knives beneath 2 sinister grins
(As always, these are my opinions and if you did something for a reason, please ignore my comment)
spell out 2. It stands out right now in a way that detracts from the words.

>> a lustfull monster hates the white light
lustful - only one l at the end

>> put i have to put up a fight tonight i'll cry
do you mean the first word to be 'but'?

>> my self to sleep because your not next to me
'myself' is usually only one word

>> it feels like i been slaped
'i've been slapped' is what I think you mean to say.



88
88
Review by Meeple
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed your poem, thanks you for sharing it.

I think dividing it up into stanzas would make it easier to read.

Here are a few little edits for your consideration:
>> And lined with palm-tree.
trees.

>>With every step that i took,
Capitalize 'I'

>>Each whispering the heart out.
this line doesn't make sense...I'm not sure what you mean so I can't offer advice on how to improve it.

>> "marry me," he said;
Capital M.

>> suddenly I heard the moan,
Capital S.

>> Glancing I saw the clasp
Consider adding a comma after 'glancing'
Because you say clasping again in the next line, perhaps change the word clasp to 'couple' or 'pair', or something else.

>> But too mush of a kiss;
much

>>To me it was two magnet
magnets should be plutal I think, magnets

>>But not the kiss of life
You're ending the thought here. I think you should put a period at the end of this sentence.

There are several i's in the last lines that are lower case. I would recommend you make them all upper case.

You have a good ending here that ties it all up nicely.

Good Luck.

89
89
Review of Poetry Forms  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
Wow! What an incredable resource.

I'm one of those people who's 'not into poetry' on the whole, but I find that when something strikes me it sticks with me for a long time. This is a great place for a person like me to learn a little more about what it is I'm reading and perhaps I'll gain a better understanding of the forms and with it the ability to find more poems I like.

Thanks for making it available to all of us.
90
90
Review of The Purse.  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Cute and clever. I wondered what the bumbling idiot was going to do, and that was not what I was expecting. Nice twist.

I started reading it because the title caught my attention. It sort of gives away the ending. Although I had no idea where teh story was going I knew that he was going to be a hero, and was waiting for it. I would have been more surprised if the title had been more generic. I know that's a catch-22, because it the title had been more generic I might not have read it. It's a conundrum.

>> think of MAX POWER!”. All of a sudden
You have and extra period in there.

I think television shows are supposed to be underlined. Or perhaps italisized.

>> purse’s carrier’s nose
purse carrier's nose

>> 'stopped 20 feet 'and 'with 2 tons of steel'
Spell out the numbers.

>> whispered, “Thank you”.
Period should be inside the quotes.

Good Luck!
91
91
Review of On Call  
Review by Meeple
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love it when I read a story that makes me think.

I love it when I read a story that brings in a new idea, something original.

You have managed to do both, for that I thank you.

So, why didn't I give you a five? Because I want more. There's not enough detail. I want to know more about his 'life'. There's not enough in the story to make me feel for him, or his mother. I think you could make me really care about him, and his relationship with his mother before the call cuts off. Perhaps start the story before the line is connected. Let us watch how he gets there, what does he have to do to make these calls possible. It's a great idea, a good ending, but I want more details, it's just too generic right now.

I want to read the rewrite. I'd love to see this published!
Good Luck!
92
92
Review of Blossoms Maligned  
Review by Meeple
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
CRITIQUE:
It is a beautiful and sweet story, I liked it and for the most part was drawn in by it, but there were a couple areas I think can be improved.

The beginning did nothing to grab me. I would like to have something pull me into the story, but this beginning seems a little flat. I liked the fourth paragraph and kept liking the story more as I went on. Maybe try starting with “Tom and Sarah were six years old when they first held hands…” or something and see where that goes.

>> She sat there watching Tom and Jerry alone

Tom and Jerry should be underlined.

>> It was the day before Christmas break; a Christmas they would never see.

This line tore me from the story and made me thing about the writer/writing. It was too abrupt and I also felt it ruined the ending for me. As soon they heard the gunshots I knew they would die, so there was no suspense anymore.

>> She was standing with a paperback in her hand along a row of multicolored lockers

Was she facing into the locker? If not, how could he sneak up on her? When I read ‘paperback’ I imagine free-reading books. Do you mean it to be a textbook?

>> Suddenly Sarah felt a rush of guilt. "Tom," she said in protest, "I left your present at home." Which she did; two large Pearl Jam posters were laying across her unmade bed for him.

Which she *had*

‘her unmade bed for him’ makes it sound as though the bed was unmade for him, not the posters. Actually, I would just drop the bit about the posters from here entirely, since you mention it again later.

>> "My gift for you isn't nearly this nice," she said remembering the posters on her bed.

By moving the reference to the Pearl Jam posters here it makes it possible for readers to imagine that she has a nice gift for him too until this moment. Then we are reminded that this is an awkward relationship again.

>> She moved her long, brown, now not-so-tousled hair off her back

I really like the call back to the beginning of the story when they were young. Keep those lines, they’re perfect.

>> Before Tom had time to process her response, and before he noticed her cheeks turning red, Sarah grabbed him by the sleeve of his favorite black Metallica shirt and leaned in for a kiss.

If she grabbed his sleeve it would likely pull him to her. She’s making the first move here, make it obvious.

>> Her motions being quite unexpected, Tom leaned uneasily into the kiss at first. But their nervousness soon slipped into the lambent, tender kiss she'd been imagining over the last couple years. Neither of them took notice of the students who were then trickling into the hallway.

This seems clunky, wordy. I don’t like the word ‘lambent’. Not enough people know what it means, so it will pull people out of the story and make them think about the word.

I would rework the whole kissing seen. It needs to run smoothy or the kiss will not have the effect you are looking for, imho.

>> "We all wondered when you two were finally going to make it official,"

I liked that bit. Teachers should not say such things, which makes the impact even stronger that she did.

>> Most of the boys' eyes were glassy while several of the girls proceeded to whimper.

…girls were whimpering would match tenses.

>> A room that belonged no longer to a high school but to bedlam.

This line is extraneous, I’d drop it.

>> …but suddenly she couldn't help herself. It was then that she thought back to that day on the couch when she first held his hand.

I would rephrase to “…but she couldn't help herself as she thought again of…”

ADDITIONAL NOTES:
I hope I’m not overstepping here, but I would have the last paragraph say that she wanted to say that she loved him too, but all that came out was a soft whimper. It would pull the ending around to the beginning where she was talking about un-girly she was. You mentioned just a bit before the end that several girls whimpered, and so her whimpering would tie her to them and show that in the end she was a girl, who was loved by a boy.

Also, as a teacher I can tell you that every school has a plan for school shootings. As soon as the first shots were heard the administrators would put the school in lock-down mode, which means that every teacher locks their door and doesn’t let ANYONE in! The doors all have to lock as soon as the alarms go off. I can buy that one last student would be allowed to run into the door as she was going to lock it, but she would know that her first responsibility is to protect the students who are already in her room. By allowing students from the hall to enter she is allowing the chance for a hidden gun to be entering her room.

I mention this because to add authenticity you might want to add an alarm, locked doors and perhaps a voice over the intercom. Locked doors are required in every school in every room. Fro added drama you might want to add that they could hear other students in the hallways, being left to find their own safe haven. That may just detract from the storyline though…your call.

Good story,
Good Luck!
92 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/meeple/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4