Hello. I am reviewing your piece "The Deep End"  for the "Invalid Item" and {item:}.
 First Impressions:
 A touching story about a mothers love for her son and his determination to go on after he loses her.
 My Favorite Part:
 I like the bit about the words on his shorts. It ties everything together nicely.
 Suggestions for Improvement:
 Be aware of tense. You have most things in present tense - threatens, is, asks - but a few places you're jumping to past tense - turned, made it to trials...
The bit about the mother getting impailed with an ad which you could still read was too 'funny' for the moment. A tree branch or something would have worked, but the sign took all the tension away from the moment and made it seem like a joke.
The explaination about how the mother was standing where the son had been standing made it would as though she knew the sign was going to strike there and that she willingly sacrificed herself for him. It was too wordy, and a bit confusing. I would shorten it to a moment when Jim realizes that he could have been killed, or leave it out altogether.
You only need a line break after a complete paragraph or a line of dialogue. You have spaces in a bunch of places that makes the piece look more like a poem than a short story. Go through and delete all the unneeded line breaks.
You need to put quotes around every line that someone says. And there should be only a single set of quotes around a paragraph. The part where the mother dies should either be all one paragraph, or you need to break each line up with a description in between the lines...
An example:
"My dear son," she said, raising her hand to his face, "you are the most important thing to me."
Jim felt his heart clench as he listened to her final words.
"I want you to mourn for me because it's necessary and then I want you to get back to training. You are going to be a champion one day and I will be in heaven cheering you on."
Her voice became softer, her breathing more ragged, but she continued, "Jim, don't forget to do this and when you return after the storm passes do one more thing for me please."
Jim nodded before she had even told him what her final request was, knowing he would do anything she asked.
"You run as hard as you can and jump off the deep end, I'll be there cheering you on."
[end example]
 Plot/Characters/Settings:
 The idea that Jim was always obedient eventually ties in to the story, but at first I though you were being a little heavey handed. By the end I see where you were going.
These were perfect characters in a perfect town where an imperfect world gets in teh way. Were you going for allegory? If so it was nicely done.
 Final Notes:
 A bit rough, but sweet. You had little space with which to work, and yet you told a pretty complex story in those 1000 words.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The sky, pregnant with rain, threatens a deluge and an end to the fun for one day. You see, Jim loves this little cove so serene. There is not a day that passes when Jim cannot be spotted running and jumping off the deep end.
The water has been his life from the beginning and his accomplishments rival those of others who love the sport of swimming. He's an Olympic hopeful this year and practices daily at the YMCA just up the road.
This rain is more than a shower, it is a hurricane that is on a direct path to our little community. We are boarding up in preparation. We will not stay, and fear what will become of the deep end when we return. "Jim! Get out of that water now! We must finish and leave soon." Oh that boy, one day he is going to be a star, but for now the fun is over, a storm is coming.
We are almost packed up and Jim has finally put his street clothes on.
"You look so handsome in your pants and white shirt, Jim." I say to him
trying to ease the loss of the fun he so misses when he can't jump off into the deep end. "Thanks, mom,(period instead of comma, the Capitalize the next letter.) Iis there anything else I need to do to get ready for the trip to the shelter?" Jim asks and as I think about it(space)one thing does come to mind.
Why yes Jim there is something you can do for me before we begin the trip.
Will you please go into the kitchen and turn off the coffee pot, we wouldn't
want to come home to find the house burned down or to smell that yucky
burned coffee smell for days on end. "Wouldn't that be a disaster?"
Jim; always the obedient young man; steps into the kitchen, reaches for the coffee pot and turns it off. Pours the remaining last few drops down the drain and turns to leave. As he turned (turns) the weather also turned (turns) drastically and the winds blew blowharder and shards of glass were already flying fly through the air.
Dashing to the front door he sees a sight that will change his life forever. more.
There on the ground lies his mother, impaled by a sign that came must have come flying from the
diner up the road. You could still see a part of the ad that advertised hot coffee
and free refills. "MOM! Oh mom how can things change so quickly, the storm
is still so far away, oh mom please don't die!" Pulling herself to one elbow, Susan looks at her son, aware that her life is ebbing away, and says the one thing that she knows will comfort her son.
"My dear son, you are the most important thing to me. I want you to mourn for me because it's necessary and then I want you to get back to training. You are going to be a champion one day and I will be in heaven cheering you on." . . . "Jim, don't forget to do this and when you return after the storm passes do one more thing for me please." "You run as hard as you can and jump off the deep end, I'll be there cheering you on."
The tragedy that struck Jim's life that day did indeed change him. You see it turns out that had Jim not gone to turn the coffee pot off, it would have been him who would be impaled because his mom had stepped forward to see her son go into the door. In the same spot he was standing and she did see the sign flying like a bullet heading straight for her chest. The impact knocked her back against the car and she slumped to the ground where her son found her. She tried to rise but fell completely down to the ground and began praying for her eternal rest.
The hurricane that was threatened never came, it veered to the right and hit another community that weathered the storm with just loss of property and even now it's as if it was a bad dream for them. The damage to Jim's little cove was minimal and Susan was the only casualty. The freak wind storm came out of nowhere and left behind a broken family to pick up the pieces.
Jim did as his mother asked, always the obedient son, he mourned for his mother for a long time and then continued his training. But not before he ran as fast as he could, screaming and hollering like a banshee, and jumped off the deep end. That dive was the most fun of all for it was as if he could feel a presence in the water with him and he knew his mom, that great lady Susan, was there cheering him on in the deep end. That morning he said "goodbye mom, I'll see you in heaven."
Jim made it to the trials and will be on the next Olympic swim team. Watch for him, his name is Jim and he will have a suit specially made with the words on his trunks reading, "the deep end." Others will not understand what this means but you who read this will understand and know Susan still meets Jim in "the deep end." |
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I would get rid of the title line. It's already visible at the top of the page.
It's teh same amount of words, but if they can't see the end, they won't even start. Many adults are just older middle-schoolers in this case...
