Hello. I am reviewing your piece "The Girl Without Color"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

I was lead to your portfolio after learning that you were a new member of the Paper Doll Gang. Welcome! I hope we get to be great friends over the next few months.

First Impressions:
It took me a while to get into the piece...but the ending made it worth the time it took to get there.
It reminded me of what some people say about taking drugs for mental illness, that the drugs are sometimes worse than the illness because they don't feel like themselves. Like they are trapped inside themselves.
It reminded me a lot of a drug dealer, they were all the addicts and had lost themselves completely to the drugs.

My Favorite Part:
I loved the Rainbow Man. He was beautiful and he was the anchor that held your fantasy world together.

Suggestions for Improvement:
Hmmm. I have no specifics, which I hate to admit, but...I think the main thing you can do is find a way to grab the reading in the first few sentences. Something has to draw us in and grab us, or some readers will just fade away.

Plot/Characters/Settings:
It's s good world and I like the characters. You have strong characters and an excellent ending. I would like to know how the world looks a little more. The bit about the colors fading away as she moved away from the Rainbow Man was the first time I realize dthe world was not all in color...can you build that into the story earlier?

Final Notes:
Lovely, I would like the ending to be more enthralling and I want to know more about the world. Add details, fill it out more. but even as it stands now, an excellent story! Thanks for sharing it with me.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Who Will I Be?"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" .

I see that you are a new member of the Paper Dolls. I look forward to working with you and getting to know you more. You only have two piece up, but I am already impressed with your writing.

First Impressions:
Stunning! Wonderfully thought provoking and poignant.

My Favorite Part:
I cannot count/Like hourglass sand. (This line fits well with the poem and also shows that you are a writer who is willing to think long enough to find the perfect words. There might have been a hundred other images to fit here, but this one is unique and has great imagery. You seem to go out of your way to avoid cliches. Very nice work!)

Suggestions for Improvement:
Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing, but this one line seemed a bit contrary.

"I hold to you./You cling to me."
Followed by "If I let you go..."
My first thought was that if you let go, he's still holing on to you, so you won't go anywhere. Nothing would change. I wonder if 'you' should cling to 'him' while he only 'holds' you. Then if you let go, you're more likely to become separated.


Plot/Characters/Settings:
You have made this nicely generic, so anyone can relate to it. I now realize that they are both gender neutral, too. SO it can be read and embraced by by ANY reader.

Final Notes:
Excellent work! I am a 'fan' of this item and expect you will get more as people find it. Wonderful work! Thanks for sharing, I look forward to reading more of your writings.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "Smoulder"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I found your piece at "Please Review" .

First Impressions:
This may be the darkest, most disturbingly beautiful piece I've ever read.

My Favorite Part:
The way you turned each of his relations with her into something dark and spooky really makes this poem seem like it comes from the mind of a stalker.

Suggestions for Improvement:
Really, I have none. You have comepletely convinced me that this person exists and he is terrifing. My suggestion is that you write more, and in a different vein, so that this is not the only peice people have to connect to you. As it stands now, you have convinced me that your mind is a scary place to be...I want you to prove that there is a more likable side, too. I know it's unfair, but readers often confuse authors and characters andI don't want this to be the character that people tie to their thougths of you.
Your piece is beautifully written, write more!

Plot/Characters/Settings:
As above - totally, terrifyingly, realistic.

Final Notes:
Please try to publish this somewhere. It's wonderful!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "It's Too Late"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I found it o "Please Review" .

First Impressions:
Wow. Bitter. But good for you!

My Favorite Part:
"It’s too late to say you love me/It’s too late to say you want eternity" This line sets us up to think it's a simple break-up song/poem, then you hammer us in the next part, after we've been lulled by seeming to understand.

Suggestions for Improvement:

My in-line-comments are in red.
It’s too late to say you sorry (you are)
It’s too late to say please accept your apology ('your' should be 'my' and the sentence in quotes)

It’s too late to say you care
It’s too late to say you want to stay

It’s too late to say you love me
It’s too late to say you want eternity

It’s too late to sing me melody('me a' or 'my')
It’s too late to seek remedy('a remedy' or 'to remedy')

It’s too late to say you sorry (you are)
It’s too late to say please accept your apology ('your' should be 'my' and the sentence in quotes)

It’s too late you piece of shit
You beat me for years with your icing words and bully actions ('icing' is sweet frosting, try 'icy' or 'ice cold') (bully should be 'bullys' or 'bullying')

I was the dirt you kicked when it was windy
I was the wall you punched when it was stormy

I was the plate you threw when you moody
I was the glass you broke when you angry

It’s too late to say you sorry (you are)
It’s too late to say please accept your apology ('your' should be 'my' and the sentence in quotes)

Plot/Characters/Settings:
I'd like to see her walk away at the end, somehow.

Final Notes:
Gritty and dark, but hopeful, too.
It reads like song lyrics. I can easily imagine it as a song.




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Hello. I am reviewing your piece "The Way Things Are part 2"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I found your piece at "Please Review" .

First Impressions:
Sad. I want to know more.

My Favorite Part:
It reminds me of my relationship with my grandmother.

Suggestions for Improvement:
Use an extra line break to seperate lines of dialogue, and also paragraphs. It makes it a lot easier to read.
What could have made her age so quickly? A reference to her illness would be helpful.
I didn't know who 'she' was in the first line. My imagination jumped to an older sister getting her hair ready...I had to read it twice to get what had happened, then a third time to get any emotion out of it. Tell us right up front who is in the room.

My in-line-comments are in red.
Flashback 2005
She fluffed her hair in the mirror, running that (The word 'that' impies that we all know exactly what you are talking about, but it's too early inteh story for us to be able to know anything.) needle looking brush against her snowy head. She twinged a little. It looked like it hurt, but that could be the stiffening spray.
“Do I need to find you a shirt, Kay?”
“You don’t like this one?”
“It’s a T-shirt… you can’t wear that to church…” (don't end on a '...' unless she's been interrupted or you intend to continue the though in the next few lines.)
She came over and pinched my cheek.
“Owwww…”
Her grey eyes sparkled a little, and she smiled crookedly, her lips thinning like a coil over her wrinkled face.
“I bought you a yellow dress shirt…(comma) But(lower case) your (you're) gonna (grandparents don't say 'gonna', use 'going to'.) have to borrow your granfather’s (missing a 'd') dress pants… “ (inverted ")
I looked at her with an annoyed grin.
“It’s only for an hour… and afterwards, I’ll cook… your grandfather already picked some squash and peas from the garden, so this one’s on the house… ok?” (I don't get this line, does she usually charge her granddaughter to eat?)
She ran her finger’s (no ' needed) through my hair.
“Fine.”
“Gerald! Gerald! Are you almost ready!”
He didn’t answer. (Again, make it clear who he is, start the next line with, 'My grandfather didn't answer, "That man..."')
“Hrrrghghghh!(Find an actual word or omit it.) That man, deaf… I swear!”
I laughed a little, and she continued to nip and tuck the painful experiment that was her hair. (I loved that image!)
We all piled into the Lincoln (which she always said I could have if she died, but I would never drive it. It’s an old person’s car! Come on!)

She looked at my grandfather, and rolled her eyes.
“And I’m the woman…” she snickered. (I don't knwo what this is referring to.)

2008
She sat in the same chair she always did. That ugly, red recliner. Her legs, swollen and riddled with mazes of bright veins, were plopped up. Her hair laid flat on her head, like grass trampled to death by a marching band. (I love the marked differnece in her hair. This is great, draw this detail out so it's not lost in the other words.) I got close to her, and gently traced her numb hand. She looked at me with her grey eyes. They were droopy, filmed over. They reminded me of rain clouds. She looked at me and spoke, or at least she tried to. I couldn’t her. (hear? or hear her?) But then she pointed at my hat. She sighed for effect.
“Oh… sorry.”
I took it off, and set it on the ground.
“I gotta go, grammy, ok.”
I hugged her, and went into the kitchen to say goodbye to granddad.
“You doin well?”, he asked. (either 'doin' ' or 'doing')
“Fine. Bored out of my mind, but fine.”
He laughed.
“You?”
And (Drop the 'and')for manners sake, he said, “Fine.”
But his eyes, electric blue, were moist. He looked into the living room, and I could see grammy staring at him absently.



Plot/Characters/Settings:
I love these people. They are all good people who deserve good things, yet it's not a happy ending for them. This could be a great story with some work. Heartwrenching!

Final Notes:
Thanks for sharing, keep practicing your writing.
This story has great potential, add more details, more diolague, bring us into the story more and let us get to know the people. You will have readers in tears by the end if done right!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "La' Guillotine"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I found your piece at "Please Review" .

First Impressions:
Wow! Stunning and oh, so sad.

My Favorite Part:
Hmmm. Can I say 'all of it'?
I like that you explain exactly why she was there. I also like that it was true to life, I love it when someone cac create art from life. It's hard to make a real historical event come to life, but you've done a great job of it here.

Suggestions for Improvement:
These opinions are my own and intended only to help you smooth it out.

My in-line-comments are in red.

My darling love is coming near
To death, though none will shed a tear.
Those demon hearts of lead. (Might I suggest 'their' instead of 'those')

I hear around me shouts of joy.
A Vicomte, (our Saint’s latest toy) (I don't think the parenthasis add anything.)
Has met a royal traitors end.

*****

She looks into my dying eyes, (I love that HE is dying as she watches as well as the other way around.)
But in her Pride she never cries. (I don't understand why Pride is capitalized.)
Unless the tears are gay.

*****

The drummer drums his drum of wood. (Perhaps the last 'drum' could be 'round', or the second could be 'plays', or both, to avoid ackward repetition.)
(And I admit I hardly stood.) (I don't understand this line at all, nor the parenthasis, again.)


Plot/Characters/Settings:
I really felt for the couple, hoping there would be a 'happy ending' but knowing there would not. Very nice tension created by the pair.

Final Notes:
I am impressed by your historical knowledge and your ability to recreate it clearly in your writing without making it overly 'educational'. I enjoyed this poem and will read more of your writing because of this piece. Thanks for sharing!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Hello. I am reviewing your piece "The Forgotten"  for the "The Rockin' Reviewers"  and "Invalid Item" . I found it on "Please Review" .

First Impressions:
Nice formatting.
The picture is disturbing and adds to the tension and mood.
As with most poetry, I would love to see a note at the bottom stating what form was used so that I can learn how closely the form is followed.

My Favorite Part:
Exiled from society,/Overflowing with desolation/And shattered dreams.
Very imaginative and a nice mix of words.

Suggestions for Improvement:
I have to be honest...I have no idea what you are trying to say. What is it that could cause us to be lost? What are we trying to avoid? YOU seem to have something to say, but the simple truth is I missed it.

My in-line-comments are in red.
The man
Without an identity,
Lying in a bed
From shards of glass.'from' doesn't seem to work here. Perhaps try 'hiding' or 'made from' or 'confined to a bed of broken glass'.

All suppressed in The word 'all' adds nothing to the thought.
Yesterday's news.
Seldom do we see him;
The man without visage.

Exiled from society,
Overflowing with desolation
And shattered dreams.

We all could be just one day
Away of becoming
The man without I'm being a bit literal here, but I am a wonam - so I can never be the Man without a face.
A face.

Final Notes:
You have interesting words, in an intersting form, but I think you need to either add more detail and overt meaning, or simplify what you have in a way that states the meaning plainly.




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