What I especially liked:
This is good, though it did get a little confusing in places. It was hard to know which person was "on stage," the maiden or the storyteller. I had to reread it several times in places. This slowed the pace of the story down.
Format:
Paragraph length is fine. There were several places where a beginning quotation mark was used, but no closing one. Also, in a couple of places I wasn't sure if the quote was to indicate the storyteller's words or someone else's.
Content:
There is a good start to a plot. It is moving along. The pace seems a little slow, maybe causing a loss of interest. Maybe you could introduce the knock sooner, withholding some of the description till later.
Grammar/spelling/punctuation:
I noted a couple of what appeared to be errors. I have copied them below.
The children were all gasping and craning their necks to see more, though did not move an inch from their seats (add the word they after though)
A golden medallion hung on a chain around her neck, clutching tightly to her throat." (How can a medallion clutch anything? Maybe find a different word)
The maiden appeared and all the children gasped. She was a beauty. The storyteller smiled. (This is a little confusing. Maybe indicate that the storyteller caused the maiden to appear in person, or make some mention of the fact that she "materialized." It took me several passes to understand this.)
What I would change or what I did not like:
I would like to see the story action move a little faster, without so much description. Also, it is a little confusing with the unusual appearances. i would like to see that explained better.
Overall impression:
Oveall, I really like this. It reads like an old folktale. I would love to read the rest of it.
Evelyn
This piece has very vivid language. It reads smoothly. The emotion is very intense. You tell the reader what you want and how badly.
I would like to have seen some paragraph divisions or something. It looks like a chunk with only one thought. It sort of is only one thought, to get the person you want. Yet, there are subthoughts that could divide it for more visual appeal and easier reading.
Other than the above, it is great. The spelling and grammar are correct.
Evelyn
This is really good. I can definitely get the message. Though I am not black, I can hear the frustration and sorrow in this poem. I have often talked with my students about the same subject and seen in them just what you are talking about here.
I really got into this poem, and feel the passion it expresses.
There are no grammar,spelling, or punctuation errors, except, of course, the intentional ones.
The only suggestion I would have would be to divide it into stanzas for easier reading. Find where a thought ends and make a stanza break there. I wouldn't worry so much about whether the stanzas all had the same number of lines. This type poem is conducive to that. I would just divide thoughts. IT is a little hard to read all together like this.
This is an excellent poem, and I really enjoyed it.
Evelyn
I love this. It so vividly and accurately depicts the ravages of this disease. I also like the way you decide to remember her the way she was before.
My grandmother, who raised me, had alzheimers. It is devastating what it does, but my grandmother, like Miss Alice, held one thing that never went away.
This piece holds a hope in that the person can be remembered as they were.
Thanks for so poignant a view into a devastating illness.
Evelyn
It is a very interesting story, fast paced and enticing. It started off very strong.
Format:
The paragraphs should either be indented or spaced one line between each one. It is hard to read otherwise. The dialogue got a little monotonous at the end. However, it was easy to tell who was talking.
Content:
It started out very interesting and exciting. However, at the end, with all the dialogue, it got a little slow. Maybe intersperse the dialogue with action.
Grammar/spelling/punctuation:
I noted only two errors. They are below:
My mother was holding me concern and fright in her eyes as she stroked my face. (Should have comma after me)
she hadn’t laugh much during the past few (Should be laughed)
What I would change or what I did not like:
I would like to see the action that it started out with continue throughout. It got a little bogged down. Of course, it is hard to tell in this short an excerpt.
Overall impression:
I think this could be a very good, action-packed story. You have a good start. This is a good piece overall.
Evelyn
This is a good story, but if it is written for children, I think it is inappropriate. It seems to be written in child-like language, which is effective since it appears a child is telling a story. However, I would not recommend it for any child to read.
I enjoyed it, as an adult. It is well-written. Your character, Jackie, is well-developed.
I noted only one grammatical error:
"at sea. glare. Small ships"
I am not sure what you meant there, but glare seems to be missplaced.
Evelyn
Your rhyme scheme and refrains are exactly correct.
I love the line about hot tears washing away the memories of love. I can see the correlation, because hot tears really do erase the feelings of love sometimes.
You have written an excellent poem that speaks a true thought.
This sounds very enticing. I love the way you have given the background of how the idea got started.
I don't know if this is what you wanted here, but I have some experience.
I have been foster parent to 31 children, and adoptive to 4 special needs (and special) children. I can probably give you some ideas.
One child I have that no one wanted when he was an infant (and probably still wouldn't, at age 15) is a child born addicted to drugs and medically fragile. He also came from a long line of family with mental illenss, and he has a mental illness. He is VERY challenging, and if I didn't love him immensely, I don't think I could tolerate it.
I also have another child who has autism. It is so difficult to bond to a child with autism that many parents never are able to, and end up abandoning them when things get bad.
Again, you have done an excellent job. I love the humor. I have seen several places with such a sign.
You have very vividly described the diner. I could see and smell atmosphere of that old diner. I even recognized the waitress in the blue dress, as I did the cook with no shirt.
You really took us back to that place with your description. An excellent job.
Evelyn
The meter is off in this poem. That makes it hard to read. Count your syllables and have some sort of pattern. If you are writing a particular poem, learn what meter it has. If not, just make sure the meter matches. For instance, if you use 7 syllables in the second line of the first stanza, try to do that in the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza. Also, it makes for easier reading if there is not just 1 syllable difference between any 2 adjacent lines, usually.
Evelyn
This is good. I do think there is too many undertones of other authors. I think you need to find your own voice. I really like when it shines through. You have a unique voice.
I would love to see the other tales that will follow. Just be sure to use your own voice and not borrow too much from someone else. I am not saying you are copying words, just that you are letting what you have read overshadow how YOU write.
This piece has good content. It does need so major editing for punctuation and sentence structure. I noted several runon sentences.
This is a good start to discussing self-esteem, but I feel you have only written an introduction. We need more 'meat'. I would like to see you expand this into a longer article or essay.
Evelyn
Welcome to Writing.com. This is a very heartfelt piece. It is good. The only thing that I seen needing work is the 3rd and 4th lines were a little long, compared to the others. The 3rd line read okay, but the 4th was hard to read due to change in rhythm.
This is a sweet story, very well done. There is not one thing I would change, except maybe tell us more of what you did at the party. That is not important, I guess, but I found myself wanting to know how the evening finally turned out.
You have done a great job of sharing the frustration of the position you were in, as well as the care and concern of your family. It is a great little story.
Evelyn
This is a very cute piece. I could just see Possy in my mind. The account of the pots and pans was very realistic. I could just picture it. I do that with my son, to keep things away he is not supposed to have. I could just picture it.
There were no grammatical, spelling, or punctuation errors that I noted.
The structure of the piece is great. I wouldn't change anything.
Evelyn
This is a very good pole that caused me to stop and think. I sometimes will not rate an item if I think it is poorly written. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. However, I realize I want the review even if it is bad, so long as it is honest.
I will make more of an effort to review everything in the future, due to this poll.
I do have a problem with reviewing a piece of writing in which I either have no knowledge or interest in the genre. However, I do try to rate grammar, and my overall impression, letting the writer know I do not normally read in that genre, so they will be knowledgable of my ability to review it.
Evelyn
I did not find any grammatical, punctuation, or spelling errors. I did note a couple of places where the flow seemed stilted due to an odd number of syllables in relation to other similar lines in other stanzas. I may just be me, but I caught myself stumbling over the rhythm.
Just a side note. It has gotten to the point that when someone does have a legitimate reason to go to court, it is hard to do because of the association with the litigious ones. I just got my car totalled, had several thousands of dollars of medical expenses, and lost 10 days from work due to an auto accident that wasn't my fault. The other person did not have insurance, and neither did I. I want to get them to pay for my car, medical bills, and lost work, but they won't. I hesitate to take them to court. Yet, I should not have to be out something that is not my fault. Still, I don't want to be grouped with those who "take them through the wringer." That is sad that our society has gotten to that point.
Evelyn
I feel this one is written to me, since I have reviewed so many of your poems. I do like the thought of this one, and your apparent willingness to listen and learn. However, it seems you are saying you will learn, but keep your own ideas. That is good. Reviews are only to point out things you may have missed, but the piece is yours to do with as you will. Keep your idea and do it your way.
This one has varying line lengths/meter, but it is okay because each stanza has a different one. It is not as if you are waiting to hear a certain meter and it is not there. This keeps if from interrupting the flow, because the reader already expects it to be different.
The rhyme, again, has some stanzas with one pattern, then it is missing in others. This tends to interrupt the flow, because the reader is anticipating the same rhyme scheme. However, it may also make the reader stop and become more aware of the actual thoughts. Use your judgment in this.
This is a very open and honest poem. I enjoyed it.
Evelyn
PS I hope I am not the mean one you mention. I don't mean to be at all.
Your poems are so... well, poetic. They also tell the story so well. I can just see the island, and wish I could escape to it. I also wish I had ever found someone so in love as you seem to be. It must be wonderful, and horrible at the same time.
Again, you rhymes are either forced or not there. Since some stanzas have a particular rhyme scheme, and the others do not, it reads almost like you have added those in. They "stick out" and stop the smooth flow.
The meter/rhythm also is choppy in places due to a discrepency in syllables/line. That also stops the smooth flow.
Chris,
This is a very impassioned plea. The Lord knows our every thought. Know that I am praying for you, and that the Lord will work things out the best way. We may not always see it that way, but the Lord sees all and knows all, so knows what is best for us in the overall scheme of things.
If you wish to share, I will listen. However, I will pray anyway. The Lord knows what you need, even if I don't.
This is a excellent piece - short but to-the-point. I so much identify with it. I am doing such soul-searching of my own, and I, too, wonder, "What does it meant to be me?" I love that line.
I did not find any grammatical or spelling errors. The rhyme scheme was perfect, as was the rhythm. It reads very smoothly.
Keep up the good work. I like a short poem that says a lot, and yours certainly does.
Evelyn
What an imaginative tale! I love the way you have woven all the fairy tale "critters" into your story. I did find a couple of typos or grammatical errors. I am pasting a copy of them here. Other than that, it is excellent.
Evelyn
Errors I noted:
So were my sisters Drizella, Anastasia, their husbands and children were here.
("were" should not be repeatd in this sentence. Try: My sisters.... were also here.)
They bought a cute little tree from Hundred Acre Wood and it was decorated so cute.
(Repeating "cute" in the sentence is redundant.)
see her biut she was dressed like Mrs. Claus
(biut should be but)
We had chestnuts roasting on an open fire. We had a variety of cakes to eat. We also had gingerbread and spice cookies. Ginger is so hard to come by. We had fish, cooked vegetables and grapes.
(Be careful of starting multiple sentences with the same words, especially within the same paragraph.)
Again, I have to say you have an intriguing way of presenting what could be boring information. I had to watch myself that I didn't get caught up in trying all the features and researching items of interest instead of further perusing the article.
I learned a lot from this fourth installment of your Google instruction. It was excellent.
I have noted no errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar. You are an excellent writer. I look forward to reading some more items in your portfolio.
Evelyn
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