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15 Public Reviews Given
15 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Drowning  
Review by Euclid79
Rated: E | (4.0)
Let me start by saying, I think you have the start of a good story here. I especially liked the last line. It added an air of mystery, and perhaps even prophecy to the story.

Keep in mind, everything I write is only my opinion. Ultimately, this is your work, and you are welcome take all, some, or none of my advice. Ok, lets get started.

You wrote this in first person, so I'm not sure if this is autobiographical, or fiction. Since you have it in the "experience" category, I'll assume it's autobiographical for the purpose of this review.

One thing that struck me as I was reading, was a lot of your descriptions are too forced, and seem out of place. Describing things in stories is tricky. Too little description and the reader is blind and doesn't know what is going on, or too much and the reader is overwhelmed and bogged down. No matter what though, the descriptions should feel as natural as possible.

The first paragraph was a little confusing. At the start of the paragraph you describe yourself as sitting and splashing, but in the last sentence you are looking out to make sure you don't run into anyone. It's hard for me to actually visualize what is going in the scene. Also, the setting isn't initially clear. We know it is taking place in a pool of some sort. What we don't know initially is whether it's a public pool with lots of people, or a private pool with friends. This seems to be clarified as the story goes on, but you might try setting the stage a little more early on

One example of description that seemed a little forced were the sentences:

My red hair was short and damp with curls going through out it. My blue eyes where scanning the pool so I didn’t run into any one.

It's never a bad idea to give the readers insight into the appearance of the characters in the story, but in this case, I found myself wondering what these descriptions added. It felt as though it was a description for the sake of description. I think if you retooled the first part of the story a bit, and created more of an introduction, character descriptions such as that would probably fit in a little better.

Another description that could use a little work was how you described the water in a few locations. You describe it as "icy", "cold", and "blue" in a couple of spots in relatively quick succession. You might try to vary your adjectives a little if possible, or eliminate superfluous descriptions if they aren't completely necessary.

For example, the line:

The ice blue water that looked so inviting took me under greedily.

Would still work if written as:

The water that, just moments ago, looked so inviting, took me under greedily.

What I've pointed out so far is what stuck out most to me. Overall, it was very well done and I hope to see more from you in the future.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Good luck!
2
2
Review by Euclid79
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this poem, and the way you ended it was great. Even though you don't normally write rhyming verse, your choice of rhyming words felt natural and didn't seem forced.

Since you are asking for some help on improving the flow, I'll throw some ideas your way. I'll go stanza by stanza for simplicity.

Stanza 1:

Recommend a revision to Line 2. The flow is slightly off and it seems a bit abrupt.

Example:
Whose fun involved not game or toy.

In Line 4, I found myself tripping over the words a little bit. I had to read it a couple of times to take it in. Perhaps rewording it a bit will help.

Example:
His playtime contained within his own head.

Stanza 2:

The only thing I can suggest in this stanza is that perhaps in Line 2 you make it more of an active introduction between Mom and Tom.

Example:
"Meet my new friend, his name is Tom."

Otherwise, this stanza works out well.

Stanza 3:

I really liked this stanza. The mom is a great counterbalance to the imaginative child, and the "typical" mom dismissal of the child's imaginary friend worked well.

I do have a few recommendations structurally, in order to improve the flow. Rewording Line 1 slightly, and swapping Lines 1 and 2 sounds a bit better (in my mind at least).

Example:
Although she thought it was quite odd,
She only smiled, giving a nod.

Lines 3 and 4 seem fine as-is, but you may consider revising for a bit better flow.

Example:
Shrugging her shoulders, was willing to wage
Her boy was growing, just another stage.

Stanza 4:

My only recommendation here is that Line 3 was just a little hard to read, and may benefit from a little rewording.

Example:
He was always talking to someone else

Stanza 5:

In Line 1, recommend removing the comma before "excited".

Line 1 contains 9 syllables and Line 2 contains 8. Maybe add a one syllable word to line 2 to even it up. For example, you might add "most" to make it "most uninvited"

In Line 3 you use "And said", while the boy's dialog is an exclamation. Instead of "said", try using something that is more indicative of the boy's mood and matches the dialog. "Cried" for example.

Stanza 6:

This stanza seemed to work well and was easy to read. Can't really recommend anything here.

Stanza 7:

This stanza was great. I thought it ended the poem perfectly. I can't recommend anything here.

Overall, this poem was great. I really enjoyed reading it. Definitely reminded me of what it was like to be a kid, where anything was possible. Its unfortunate we tend to lose touch with this as adults.

Feel free to use some, none, or all of the suggestions I've given. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
3
3
Review by Euclid79
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Let me start by saying that I really liked this piece. It evoked some fond memories of my own adventures with the family in the great outdoors as a kid.

With that said, there are a few things you could do to make this stand out a bit more.

Imagery
Your descriptions in this piece seem very flat. You should bring the reader with you and let them see and feel what you experienced.

Example: "We began our hike on an early summer morning. The sun just beginning to peek over the horizon, and the chill from the night before still hung in the air. A fine layer of mist hovered just above the dew covered meadow behind us. The sweet, damp smell added to my feeling of excitement about the journey ahead."

Obviously, your experience was probably different. Show us. If you can find that balance between stimulating the reader's imagination, and overburdening them with too much information, you'll have done your job well.

Spelling and Grammar
The first thing I noticed was the title for this piece used in your portfolio: "Beast Fishing Trip Ever". I assume here you wanted to use the word "Best" instead of "Beast".

Other than that, there were quite a few places that could be touched up with some punctuation and perhaps some changes in word usage. I didn't have time to go through and point them all out. I'll let you have a go at it, but if you need any pointers or help, don't hesitate to send me a message. I'd be more than happy to help you along.

Overall, I like where you are going with this. Just touch it up some, and actually bring us with you on your awesome fishing trip.
4
4
Review by Euclid79
Rated: E | (3.5)
Let me start by saying, your message in this poem is very true. All too often we live with blinders on, especially in matters of love. Sometimes we just have to open our eyes wide, and we will see that what we want is not in front of us, but beside us.

I do have a few recommendations, and you can take these with a grain of salt. I'll break these down by stanza.

Stanza 1: You have a series of repeating questions, and the flow is just a little choppy to my ear. Maybe remove the first words in lines 1 and 2 so that it reads:

Will you be my sweet Valentine?
Will you bring me roses of red?
Will you say, "Please be mine forever",
'Til my roses are wilted and dead?

Stanza 2: In the last line you say "As a moth loves the flames of a fire."

Perhaps instead of "flames" you could say "light". Typically a moth is associated with being drawn to light sources, not necessarily flames per se.

Also, the moth analogy is slightly sketchy in relation to the line preceding it. When I think of moths drawn to light sources, I think of a blind, primal urge that sometimes overrides better judgement. A bug zapper comes to mind. Does a moth really love the light? Or is it an irresistable need to reach it?

I guess what I'm trying to say there is that the moth description evokes a kind of blind love that doesn't fit well with the emotion preceding it.

Stanza 3: I'd just recommend adding a comma to the first line to improve the flow.
"Each Valentine's day, I dream this dream"

Stanza 4: I had a hard time with these lines. The flow seemed off and it didn't read very well to me. If you take out a couple of extraneous words and retool the last line, it may work a little better. For example:

I see you each day, hand in hand,
With the one who has won your heart.
And I curse that smug little cherub
Cupid, who struck me with his dart.

Stanza 5: This is well done. The build up into the next stanza works nicely.

Stanza 6: I was really taken aback when I got to the last line. The build up starting in stanza 5 and continuing with the first 3 lines of this stanza was really well done, but the proposal in the last line of this stanza really seems out of place. Perhaps find a way to have the friend confess his love to the character, instead of the more drastic marriage proposal. The proposal is a romantic thought, but it brings up too many unanswered questions in the poem.

Stanza 7: This really concludes the poem nicely and conveys the underlying thoughts very well.

Overall, I really liked this poem. Its a very touching and true to life piece. Keep up the good work.

Like I said, take my critique with a grain of salt. You can use some, all, or none of my suggestions and it won't hurt my feelings a bit.

5
5
Review of Hunter of Souls  
Review by Euclid79
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think this story has some definite potential. One of the biggest things that I did have a problem with, however, was your descriptions of various things throughout the story.

If you could clean those up a little and vary your adjectives a little, I think that will help to clarify the action a lot. One example that springs to mind is your description of the drive when the main character sees a flash "in his left eye". This implies a direct focus into that eye, when you might be better saying "he saw a bright flash out of the corner of his eye".

I'm going to hold back on the grammar and sentence structure since this is a rough draft and you will probably catch a lot of that in your next revisions as you go along. If you would like any help in that respect, or any others, feel free to ask. I'm always willing to help out a fellow writer.

Overall, I think you have a very strong premise, and the makings of an interesting story. Keep it up.
6
6
Review by Euclid79
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is definitely the beginning of a good story. Overall your imagery is pretty solid, but some of your descriptions could use a little work.

In the second paragraph you describe the smoke as forming into a "nebulous creature". Is the creature in fact nebulous, or just the form of the creature. In which case you might want to say "began taking the nebulous form of a creature".

You also describe an "aura of mutual respect and honor entered their conversation". When reading the dialogue that follows I don't really see that coming into play. It definitely seems that they are in alliance, and possibly some respect is there, but there is almost a slight air of superiority about the Ethereon. Perhaps you could state that "The alchemist bowed to return the gesture of respect". This would eliminate the far reaching aspect of the original sentence. However, if it is your intent to have a mutual respect and honor exist between these two characters, you may want to rework the dialogue a little to demonstrate this.

When you get to the paragraph explaining the Ethereal and Material planes, it seemed a little awkward and out of place. While I appreciate the explanation in a short piece like this, if you expand into a longer story you may want to consider moving this to another place. If you move it to a scene later than this one, it will leave an air of mystery that will keep the reader wanting to find out what is really going on. Also, the description is a little tedious, don't try to cram all the secrets into one paragraph. Maybe find a way to spread it out through a chapter. For example, perhaps another character is trying to find out why some things are happening in their world and comes across some arcane text describing the Ethereal plane. This in turn leads to the finding of other clues to this nefarious plot.

In the last paragraph, there was one phrase that I really didn't like, "she could prove a disturber of our plans". It is dialogue, so characters can pretty much get away with saying anything, but I would recommend changing it to something like "wondering if she could prove an interference to our plans". This just sounds a little better in my ear, but you may see it differently.

Also, you use the word "plain" when describing different dimensions, when in this context you want the word "plane".

I hope this helps a bit. I really like where you are going with this, and definitely want to read more. So keep it up!
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