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616 Public Reviews Given
1,273 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review by ness
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hah! Edition 2 of the review mixer. Good idea to have a length requirement - it will choke the "good job now gimme points" problem.

Clearly set out *Smile* (stays under 250)
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127
Review by ness
Rated: E | (4.0)
Lol, the menu longer than a Russian novel has that effect on me, but I have the excuse that I live in England so I drink tea, thank you Mr Starbucks.

I was smiling and reading this, running through the sentences fast to know what happened. (Not much, objectively. You bought shoes and had a coffee. But the way you told it, I was all agog.) You write like someone talking.

I have to say this, 'cos I always say it when it comes up. Please put a blank line between paragraphs by hitting enter twice at the end. In a piece this long or shorter, it isn't such a big deal, but it's good practice in case you write something long, and big blocks of text are hard to focus on.

The other thing is a minor suggestion:
with out moving my head without is fine, I think (who ever, also, is fine as whoever)
and looked at my toes, they felt exposed maybe I should have got combat boots instead. Full stop after "exposed," perhaps, and give the combat boots their own sentence? You have a tendency to weld two sentences together using semi colons. I too have a weakness for this; but I have been urged to use the trick in moderation. (I like the effect, but I must ration it. I mention this as misery loves company.) *sigh*
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128
Review of Hold the Pickle  
Review by ness
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is so funny. I love the deadpan way you tell the story, and the economy of phrasing. The way the conversation runs on is very true to that kind of temporary, boring job. Every word in this helps toward the effect. The timing of this is brilliant.

I liked this story, and loved the way you told it.

between the counter and women's casual top's. I think tops doesn't require that apostrophe.
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129
Review of Letter to Buffett  
Review by ness
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You have an imagination in a million. Where did this come from? *Bigsmile* This story made me laugh immensely.

Keeping the misunderstanding going all the way should have felt more contrived than it did. Ah, the power of metaphor. Your professor was a kind of verbal Mr Magoo.

hearing aide batteries hearing aid
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Review of OLD MEN  
Review by ness
Rated: E | (3.5)
The risk with rhymed verse is that sometimes a rhyming word feels slightly "ajar;" in this case impy was a problem word for me, and prance, also, read as if it had been pressed into service for the sake of sound, not sense.

On the other hand, verses 1, 2, 3 and 6, I loved. abjure them was a verb I did not expect, but which fitted in both meaning and nuance.

I am getting older and aching knees - this poem's empathy for lively characters in creaking bodies resonated for me!
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131
Review of The Review Mixer  
Review by ness
Rated: E | (5.0)
So.. we do a substantial review of a port new to us.. and we get a reward!

Fantastic idea for getting us out and about! There are so many people here, that it's tempting to stick with the ports we know, but who knows where a bit of exploration might lead.

*is all surprised* How long has this feature been running? *looks at creation of item date* Oh. *Wink*

Sticking this on public review pour encourager les autres

Thank you
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132
Review of Beloved Benny  
Review by ness
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for emailing me when you altered this piece.

I think the rewrite strengthens it. You've given a lot more background to her journey to this point, and she seemed more real as a result.

There is, though, one line which remains cloudy for me ~ It would have been easier except for the unbalanced weight of the table, with thick granite tiles covering half of the surface, only to meet a soft, foamy wood on a jagged line down the middle. I think that is a sentence trying to do too much. Perhaps if you ended at "weight of the table," and put the description of the construction/appearance of Benny into another sentence/sentences? I still could not visualise the furniture: the blend of stone chip and "soft, foamy wood" (balsa?) sounded odd. I'm assuming it was an ugly table, that few would love. *Smile*
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133
Review by ness
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful topic Boswell is. His diaries so full of himself, of everything around him, and still more of himself. Social history, and smut, and anxious attempts to impress the neighbours, together with carefully plotted strategies of how to achieve his aims. He incriminates himself into your affections with the most appalling revelations of himself like Pepys before him.

Um. *Blush* Yes, I already liked Boswell. You've done him justice in this biographical essay.

not with writing a book, though he had that in mind; it was living his own life with style and prepostorous secrecy.. entered upon life with a more over-weening ambition than himself, and none ever left it with a more complete real-ization of failure.( These lines I admired for the way you summed Boswell up. Judging from the diary excerpts and biographies I've read, it sounds accurate, and the shape of the sentences here, ebullient with sub-clauses, echoes the period gently.

There's a wealth of data here. *Smile* Bibliography appended, too. Seeing the note at the end reminds me of the fuss over the extra Boswell papers being discovered in Malahide Castle - by the way, did you ever get to read the recent biography Boswell's Presumptuous Task? You might enjoy it; it was sympathetic to the man. The author shares your feeling that Boswell wrote his own biography in writing Johnson's.

Back to the bibliography. I wonder would it be possible to put that in a separate item, and make links out of the numbered footnotes in the text, to save scanning up and down from top to bottom of the item. I suggest that because of the length of this at 47KB.

This starts with two almost-sentences. James Boswell in London is a series of extended stays. From, in 1762, he visits London at twenty-two, through brief excursions for the purpose of seeing Samuel Johnson, his business ventures to Oxford as a man of letters and on up to the time before and after his admittance to the Literary Club. They read like notes - the information compressed past grammar. This ultra-compression repeats all the way through this piece.

struggles with his father were mere scirmishes.(12) misspelling of skirmish? (I had to look it up)As his (Johnson's) circle of friends, they took the idea as his good nature unfolding. This sentence confused me. It followed the list of nicknames he gave the group. I was not able to work out what "idea" it referred to.
There are typos, particularly in the latter half of this because of the sheer length, I know. Mostly truncated words, such as when "be" made it to the screen as "e," "wre" for "were," or "acomplisment."

Overall, thank you immensely for all the work you put into this (so many years ago *Smile*) Boswell is fascinating, and so is your essay on him.
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134
Review by ness
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I wish I were erudite enough to review this as it deserves, but thank you for posting it. I learned a lot from this piece, and it was fascinating. Especially interesting was the part about how the plot and sub-plot of Lear interweave despite their originating in different texts.

I think this was cut and pasted from elsewhere - the column of text is quite narrow on the page at the mid-point of your essay.

There is one sentence that lost me. Note here that the particular critics of the King Lear sources is perhaps the most interesting, thought-provoking
point in case. I'm not clear what this sentence means.


typos:
a kind of projection of the mad Kind, the mad Fool, and the beggar typo, King.
As well his custom, he amp-lified and complicated his original fable As was his custom
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135
Review by ness
Rated: E | (5.0)
There are lines in this I want to quote - the bit about avoiding sport because of tiresome rules, the thumbnail sketch of Danny and Chris (the latter being "loyal, but perpetually confused"), the frantic scramble to control the situation with the ball.

There isn't a line I would want different. Very funny, very boysy, with an idiosyncratic style.
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136
Review of Beloved Benny  
Review by ness
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
To think of your woman falling in love with furniture was very original. I did end the story wondering how she came to give the table that name.

For the brief description, I didn't think it sounded as if she despised life, more as if she feared it deeply. You transmitted a real sense of that feeling in her.

Many boxes adourned the room adorned
revebrated in her ears reverberated

The ending, about the cycle of life, was touching.
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137
Review by ness
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is funny. Some of the jokes - the jokes based on repetition and sentence structure, like the passage with the farmer and the tree - reminded me of Douglas Adams. Matt sounds a bit Zaphod-ish.

But it was very hard to get to grips with. I wanted something or someone or somewhere visual to attach my imagination to, but it was several paragraphs before I could work out what was going on.


Not fair to be so nitpicky, when this is a draft you're putting up in public to see if it's worth continuing. It does look as if it would be a lot of fun with more work. At the moment the scene jumps from one situation to the next, but Matt sounds entertaining already. And the many troubles of an unsuccessful rock group are a fertile topic.

It was tied with, as Matt shortly found out when he tried to bite it, a kind of thick steel wire or string which had an annoying tendency of breaking your teeth if you tried biting it. Could this be rephrased? I can see you have a picture in your head, but the sentence is clumsy.
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Review of Grab The Harpoon!  
Review by ness
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sentence fragments? Shocking!

Fragments are wrong. Illegal. Banned.

When read aloud, they sound like Mr Shatner doing one of his monologues as Captain Kirk.
*To be. Or not. To be. (Spock!) Whether the. Prime Directive.*
*ahem*

Of course, fragments are wrong when they don't work, or when used in excess. (Hello, Mr Shatner.) However, in dialogue, or used carefully, like strong spices in a particular passage, they can be bloody effective.

As can run-on sentences.

I love this whole folder to bits. I've told you that, haven't I?
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139
Review of Turning Point  
Review by ness
Rated: E | (5.0)
It took me a minute to work out the key feature of this - that it is entirely in dialogue. I tend to skim long landscape passages at the best of times. *Blush*
And so sunlight dappled the lake, and the the reeds whispered in the July breezes.. *zzz*

And what a lot of information comes across that way, plot, characterisation, and pacing.

Technically, this is flawlessly done.

The plotline (which I'm interpreting as updated Emma + Mr Knightley Coming Soon to a Boardroom near You) is impossible to judge on the basis of so small a fragment. There's enough plot in this to give point to the scene, and a backstory and future arc implied.
140
140
Review by ness
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The hatefullness of the riot comes across well. You got me afraid, reading it.

There are a few formatting difficulties, especially at the start of the story, where some sentences end half way across the screen.

I liked the underlying "message" of the political conversation between Amy and Mark, but it came across as too didactic. I think you've basically shown the moral in the story overall. Spelling it out so painstakingly is redundant. You don't need to underline your message so heavily. Perhaps, leaven that political discussion with some individual details about Mark and Amy? That way, it will be about them, not about two faceless ambassadors.

Mark says I had started to lose faith in Americans But isn't he American? This confused me. It's a moot point, how old an arriving immigrant needs to be to commit fully to a new nationality. And a lot depends on whether a child immigrant's family lives in a ghetto or tries to assimilate.

Another way to make this a story about two unique personalities would be to make Mark woo Amy in some other way than flowers. Having said that, I don't know enough about Mark to know what else he might do. Extra detail about the characters during the one-on-one conversation might give a way of foreshadowing some.. *Bigsmile* can't think what else you might do!

Overall, I very much liked and enjoyed the story. I hope you keep writing. *Smile*
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Review by ness
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a beginning not an entire story, but it's a good hook to open a story. I'm not sure exactly what you've done - this is 98% the same, but Shamsu enters a lot more smoothly this time around.

The more general comments about the state of the nation make this more ambitious than most stories. It puts Shamsu in a context. The open politics gives the reader pause for thought. It's a very chewy piece of writing.

Do Londoners live oblivious of urban decay? I wonder. On the one hand, it's hard to miss the urban nastiness, on the other, London has been falling to bits for hundreds of years, so it's easy to let it pass. I suppose we live with it - and we ignore it.

This is very promising. I hope you continue it.
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Review by ness
Rated: E | (5.0)

Was tempted by a couple of those options - but basically, I hate rating low. I know it stings to get those negative feedbacks.

If I cannot see one thing, even squinting, that I can honestly praise (I can squint quite hard) then I'm out of there. And yes, those are the writers who need most help. There no solution that leaves the reviewer feeling okay.
Honesty? hurts.
Lying? breaks the reviewer's rules.
Slinking off to items fresh? betrays the site, just a little bit, every time I do it.
No solution I can find.
And the thought of the furious (and misspelled) email coming home after if I am honest, doesn't help either. I got emails in the past saying, if you don't like it, don't rate it. OK.

I was interested by the percentages that went for each option.
Well chosen options - I can't think of any gaps.
Well (clearly) phrased.
Spelled and grammar'd and punctuated well. *and yes, how I have the gall to grade you on that after doing that with the question marks above, is shocking*

The poll question was one that interested me.
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Review of CLICK HERE  
Review by ness
Rated: E | (4.5)
That's clever. *Smile*

Actually, I found this via your port, and since (by the title) it was clearly something you linked to, wondered what the item body was.

Do people do what you asked about in this, then? *Laugh*

Some of the colour tags in ML, while beautiful, are very hard for my eyes to distinguis on the screen. Bolding them is the best solution to that, and it took an embarrassingly long time for me to work that tip out, rather than not using swathes of the rainbow in ML. You're ahead of me there.
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Review by ness
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good luck with your group.

Journalling isn't a genre that has contests and such dedicated to it - not that functioning diaries can be "graded" or "winners" IMO. (Clearly, that is open to debate, and prob will be debated at some point.)

But a mutual I'll read yours if you read mine is a nicely supportive idea. Journalling can be lonesome.

You mention "requirements" on this page. What are the requirements, aside from being over 18? You could list them on this item. That's the only suggestion I have though on the layout of this page.

Personally, am a compulsive journal reader. Deplorable voyeuristic tendencies..

Sticking this feedback on Public, for publicity. Your group is small yet.
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Review of Eagle  
Review by ness
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Welcome to writing.com.

I so enjoyed this funny, bizarre short story that I cannot think of any nitpicks whatsoever. You're a very smooth writer, and you set this up and were in charge of the reader all the way through.

I also liked the ending. Here's hoping that you write many more pieces.
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Review of Entrancement  
Review by ness
Rated: E | (4.0)
First, welcome to writing.com.

You are a very polished writer. This story was told as clearly as the crystal within it. The suggestion at the end about why cynics never see the things they fail to see, was an interesting point.

On the screen your reader sees, this is a solid block of text. Please break it up with blank lines between the paragraphs for your reader's sake.

breif story that speculates why people do not believe in the paranormal brief story
I will not grow into detail, being go into detail
a trembling old hall, trembling? I was curious, but there was no more about the building trembling.
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147
Review by ness
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this.
In fact, I think I love you for writing it.

I need to cross stitch this item onto a tapestry and hang it above my computer before I r/r/r.

The difference between me and some other reviewers is that I wouldn't have discouraged him just because his subject matter bores me.
and
Just because I don't get it or like it doesn't mean it isn't good. need to be highlighted in silk thread.

Oh - this was really about point of view, yet I picked up on the reviewing aspect, which was a digression as far as you were concerned. Sorry. Review technique comments distract me.

In the body of this, you explain point of view more clearly, more concisely and more funnily than I would have thought possible.

Thank you for this witty and helpful item. A pleasure to read it.
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Review of A Modest Proposal  
Review by ness
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*unnerved* You're not by any chance in a New Labour think tank, are you? The 2 birds/1 stone way this is presented is a bit insidious.

Oh - what about the poor old British Film Industry we keep hearing about in this BAFTA season? They could be commissioned to make snuff movies out of the fake vampire proceedings. I picture Terry Wogan as the presenter - but I am a bit twisted. Of course, channel 5 might get in first with a reality series. Our world is a buyers' market, after all.

I suggest a disclaimer citing Dean Swift at the head, largely because of my background in fanfic, where people are terribly pernicketty about citing sources and inspirations.

I liked this - good luck.
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Review of The Gate Shift  
Review by ness
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I liked this. It was smile-funny rather than laugh-out-loud, but it was a fresh subject. Everyone cares about films, and you were talking from a different angle about a topic you knew.

Customers! Whoever told customers they were always right should be shot! They think they know everything, after all, I only work here! What could I know? Heh. Quite.


Too many exclamation points. Somebody once told me the ! was like laughing at one's own joke. If you have fewer of them, those that remain will pack more punch. We all have vices - mine is to attach a surplus adjective to Every. Blessed. Noun. And then, to type carefully a surplus adverb to every action. (& then I have to go back and edit the surplus out. *sigh*)

only saw one typo:
they’re favourite seat their favourite

Interesting, and clearly expressed. I hope you write more.
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Review of The Ticket  
Review by ness
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Kurt - I remember how much I enjoyed your story about the waiter, and the one about the car. Why on earth has it been so long since I visited your port?

Only you could come up with this - Surely they would much rather give the money to us rather than donating it to some worthless cause like the state educational fund. What good would that do? Look how much it educated me. Every word in perfect place - wry and disarmingly timed.

The addition of the two frantic phone calls before the wife came home (and punchline) stepped up the tension and the joke.

I would like the paragraphs to be separated by a blank line. It does make it easier to read the screen.

This story is terribly funny. I enjoyed it massively.
Thank you.
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