I like the gentle humour of the poet saying how mild and doormat-ish he is, while not sounding as if he's going to be pushed around at all. Warm, funny, likeable and quirky poem. Here's hoping that you write many more.
Some of the capitalisation seemed a bit random, though.
Ouch, lol. Shameless pun - not exactly a pun, but it reminds me of a Frank Muir etc radio 4 gameshow where they had to make up a story that ended with a dictated line. It all built to that final line, and I never saw it coming.
That said, the man was over reacting to a degree that I couldn't believe.
I loved the use of big girl's blouse (great phrase) especially given what, it turned out, this was about. You used "out of order" wittily. You play with words so well.
my father would have clothed her one. I've seen "clocked her one" but not clothed her. Is that a typo or a different version of the saying?
I tend to expect the items in your port to be realist fiction, because you write a mean unremarkable pub, and your dialogue sounds as if you taped and transcibed it from life. This story was different from the ones I've read by you before.
During a lot of this I thought you were setting up a ghost story about a dead mother. There were hints and clues for the reader to work out. I feel a bit unresolved about the ending - I was puzzled that she was so casual about Lindsay breaking her friend's nose, and the significance of the Al name repeating. I still haven't put this one together.
There was a key to this story, and I didn't put it together right. Other people would get this more fully - what I enjoyed was the scene setting and the expectation given the reader that the narrator was on the brink of something astonishing, something unimaginable.
The idea of having the two storytellers with totally opposed agendas was great, and using colour was a nice, clear, economic way to show who wrote which bit.
But, Lauren didn't get enough time to condemn, oops, express herself.
And as it stands, it's saying "Boys like explosions; girls like fluffy stuff." You could make them more individual than that, and the story would have more of a punch.
I think this is a great idea, and the structure is good. I'm asking for details and elaboration, not saying what you've done is bad.
This looks like a success to me - I can "hear" it being performed as a monologue. Funny and imaginative - you must have thought this through carefully, because the rules you set for your ghosts have a nice internal consistency.
The genre is set as fanfiction, but I don't recognise what programme or book you're basing this on.
It takes place in a very specific, very realised place and time, and the dialogue read as very real. The story made me think about bright people who lack prospects of ever being out of poverty; a kind of new millenium ragged trousered philanthropists. Or am I just being mad pretentious? Anyway, it has a big undercurrent of sadness, and wasted potential.
I had to go back to sort out Jamie from Jim at one point, becuase I was making one of them say the speeches you intended for the other.
This was one of those items that stay with you, perhaps because it is so open ended. Open ended, that is, as far as events are concerned. You do provide a resolution of his feelings.
Thought provoking story, though as an athiest* I feel pretty uncomfortable with the religosity of the narrator. The husband is taking all of this as his unilateral decision to make - no reference to his wife - which niggled me, but isn't a point against the story. Both of these things - his need to control and his reliance on God - were part of his character.
The section in which he projects being a single parent and how he'd cope, reminds me of a stunning American bio I read by Brendan Halperin, about his wife having cancer and him picking up the slack in their household with their child, while worrying about her. It was called It Takes A Worried Man. It was a truelife story which echoed every issue raised in this, which I take to be a mark of this item's emotional truth.
when the parents are told about the pregnancy difficulties:
This doctor has terrible people skills. He'd have to use more tact, or pass this interview to a counsellor, surely? I can't imagine any parent-to-be takining in any additional data after an opener like that. Standing firm on his faith he keeps reassuring himself in his mind. There's a move to present tense here and at other points of the story. It's a good tense for dramatic stories, but distracting to read a long text in.
*BTW, I have problems rating overtly Christian pieces. I think that's why I never sent you feedback on the firefighter story in your port.
Please break this into paragraphs. It will be more alluring for readers. Capitals opening each sentence also makes for easier reading. Also, more commas, please. Give your reader time and space to breathe.
Very Lovecroftian, not only in the vocabulary and subject matter, also in the style. I liked the sudden giraffe, it had that outre quality. Sometimes Lovecraft is funny, too.
Typos: and I wouldn't bother to enumerate these if I thought this was worthless. doomed, realm redundant comma dark thougts in your head thoughts who's fangs they say whose fangs the wine of mens blood men's did'n't account for time lost didn't it's terrible secret's blight both apostrophes redundant gathering thye shreds of your courage you shake the devils shackels from Gathering the shreds of your courage, you shake the devil's shackles.. no were to be found nowhere to be found your at home You're at home
How much do I recognise Pauline - I heard every one of those old wives' urgings about fish, greens, etc, in my childhood.
And the "cheerful lovable fatty" stereotype, in the middle of the story - that one is a kick in the teeth. Always infuriating.
Anyway, this is a piece of writing that would strike home to many readers. I anticipated this ending, after that unhealthy focus on food. The things that made this story stand out were the implied parts, not about food, between the lines; the background of hardship that made her family feel it blasphemous to waste anything and Pauline's popularity that she never quite believed in.
It's an everyday story, and one that happens over and over. Thank you for telling it.
You write like a bloke in this. Of course, you intended to do that. I just mean, it sounds like a bloke.. well, congratulations. That aspect works brilliantly. It's subtle but definite.
This story is a two hander; only Alan and the narrator are in it.
Would there be room to give a voice or POV to the wife (who is pure trophy as this stands) and to the admiring Mum who worshipped the narrator? (and, loyally, never believed Alan was Best) Because, at the moment, this is a very straightforward, very linear piece that could be summed up in a sentence. If it were more complexly layered it would be more chew-y.
The great thing about killing the consumer of the product is that you have no unhappy customers, and that is a positive thing.
Great bit of broad, angry satire. Very funny, very smart, and it's true (to be boring) that the profit motive impacts on safety - look at the notorious railway crashes in the UK since privatisation.
The ending surprised me, because I had the idea that the mechanic was using the CEO's Mercedes engine to replace the dangerous one, and it would end with the CEO going boom! on the way home from the track.
First off, Thank you for writing and posting this article.
People today are so scared of death that they wind up treating mourners like lepers, not out of hate, but out of not knowing how to be with them. And being terrified of making things worse.
I wish there was something in this article about "what to say," that being the other big issue for friends of the bereaved - "I don't know what to say" - but as you so rightly say, each human case is unique.
The paragraph opening "What would you say is your worst quality.." made me laugh so hard it hurt. I love observational humour about the things we all recognise from our own lives.
And your concluding paragraph just wound up your topic tidily, wrapping up the item with a smooth close.
I really didn't know this was going where it ended up - the ending came completely out of the blue. It felt maybe too abrupt, but that may be me. I was asking myself what the mother of the narrator was thinking, and whether there was a family history of the gift* and so forth.
Up to that point, I was all engrossed in the family politics, the subtle friction over money, the iron-clad gender roles, and the communal dinner.. all of which was excellently done.
As a love letter to a friend, I'm sure this was cherished. It reads as if it is full of private references, private memories, love and hope, atmospheric, evocative. It's more like poetry without rhymes than prose.
But, not being the friend who shares those memories, I was bewildered and the piece was too much written for an inner circle to give an outsider anything. Sentences ran, thoughts emerged randomly from the luxuriant and tangled undergrowth of words (but were they the thoughts you intended to strike in a reader?), and I wondered what the feminist aspect was.
This was very much womens' writing; the style is utterly female. I would have said, though, that it's as much feminine as feminist. (I don't say that as a criticism of the piece, just as a comment on the title.)
As a reader, I'm at the literal end of the curve. So I may simply not be the "market" you want. However, I do think that this was essentially a personal document, and, to be meaningful to a public audience, needed to be clarified.
How scary is it that I can identify every specific episode in this poem? Was going to question your spelling of T'Pau, but that would alert some sort of Nerd Squad.
I have one objection. At no point in this narrative did Kirk's shirt "accidentally" rip to show off his pecs.
*I have a sense of humour about this Trek obsession. I do. I forgave Galaxy Quest, right?*
I liked this story. Guessed the surprise twist early but liked the pace at which background information was released. The ending "fitted" the story. I don't want to go into details, as you were deliberately vague in the genres you assigned this, so that readers wouldn't be warned.
My only suggestion would be to use spellcheck to catch a few typos, and to pretty up the page. I think you cut and pasted this from another program, and the lines have justified themselves oddly.
I've read and enjoyed comedy pieces by you before. Had no idea you had this tone in you as well. Props to you, this is great stuff.
Scandalous, but all personal comments are. Hilarious remarks to identical twins, helpful advice to spotty teenagers who were hoping you hadn't noticed, any joke about someone's name - (you can guarrantee they've heard it before)
For someone fat (I'm dumpy) it's hard to believe that thin can hurt. A high-metabolism friend of mine explained all this to me, but I think you've stated this case better than she did. Excellent bit of self expression, very well written.
Your title and brief description drew me in. Kudos for that. They're like a shop window for your item, so it's a big deal to be able to compose a good blurb.
Funny.. I would have been as scared as your talkative neighbour! I see you were trying to separate/highlight her speeches by using block capitals. Unfortunately BLOCKS tend to look like shouting. What about using a different colour instead? The ML option.
The entire item is repeated, beginning to end, at the end of reading. I've seen this before on other ports so I suppose it's a by-product of some method of transcribing from another computer..
I did enjoy this. Your sense of humour is great. Thank you.
non-fiction::travel::biographical::experience sounds just right as a category. (came here via that review forum post you put)
This is more about your reaction to NY than a travelogue about the city, but that's what makes it unique. Any mug could do a Lonely Planet on the place, but this article has character.
In conversations we (am in Europe) tend to lump all Americans together as if you were a homogenous amorphous mass, so I'm glad I read this. I mean, I know there are multiple Americas, but this underlined it emotionally. I really enjoyed it. Thanks.
The best thing about this was the tension between how the boy thought his dad wasn't noticing times moving on, and the ending, when it turned out that the dad was catching at the past because he was aware of just that thing.
Loved the scene setting done in the paragraph starting The little bell above the door sounds.. It summoned up a place and time.
The last sentence was sap, but good sap. (IMHO, lol)
Liked this a lot, would rec others read it for pleasure.
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Apart from the phrasing, this is eerily accurate. I especially love the way #rule 7 combines #rules 5 and 6.