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Review of Vanquish  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Intriguing. This defiantly has the potential to be something bigger. I hope when you write more of it that you get into the defect a little more. It's interesting that they would have to wait so long to be able to tell her finally that it's permanent. Generally when you are dealing with the brain, most problems are, and they will tell you right off (which you sort of mention). So it makes me wonder if you have a specific problem in mind that applies to this situation. Then again, maybe I have misinterpreted this situation. It sounds like this doctor visit is more to tell her that they have exhausted every possible treatment than to tell her that the defect is permanent.

So basically you might get rid of that whole sentence about it being permanent, and change it to telling her that the last treatment didn't work. Just my opinion though.

short as this piece is, it is very well written. You describe the scene well and the emotions and reactions of the characters are believable. I like how you end it, obviously there is another treatment that they are going to try, but it is going to have some serious risks. This has a lot of potential and I encourage you to keep writing it.

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#1300305 by Maryann


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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
How creative! I like how you have developed these creatures so well. You describe them well without going over board and though you don't give us their whole history we can imagine the rest. I like how you created the setting, it's obviously in the future but I noticed it could be in the near future as easily as the distant future. The reason being that you describe Prell as an extinct rhino. This could become a reality very soon and so I thought that this story could take place just as soon.

I especially like the names you came up with for the characters. They sound like what creatures such as these would come up with. I also noticed how they are like human like in their presumption that the biggest creature was a female because their females are big. Sounds like something from every alien movie ever made, except that its the aliens making the assumption rather than us puny humans.

I really tried to find something you could improve on but I couldn't, it is well written, creative, original, and thoroughly enjoyable. My only complaint is that there isn't more, very nice work!

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#1300305 by Maryann
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Review of Savior  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sweet, this is a very good poem, I can't see anything you need to fix. The summary after the title (or lack there of) concisely explains what the poem is about. Seems like there might be a deeper message in there but I prefer to think poetry means exactly what it says. In other words not making inferences about the meaning that the author did not intend. As for the title, I can't suggest anything that hasn't already been used because frankly I don't know what has been used already, but if you want to try something unique how about a really long title. Poems like this, in my limited experience, don't usually have titles longer than one or two words. Maybe a title with five or six words, and it doesn't have to be like a sentence. It could be some words you would use to describe the poem. Just my suggestion, keep up the good work!

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#1300305 by Maryann
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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I'm writing this review on behalf of the WDC Power Review Group review raid. This month we are supporting teen writers and the genres children, teen, and YA.

This is a story about a "remarkably unremarkable" young man. Or at least that's what he thinks. It seems to me that the narrator is a little unreliable. Makes me wonder what he is really like if you look at him from an objective stand point. I think the point of this story is that many of us feel this way at one time or another, or maybe all the time. This is a story for a person who sees him or her self that way. I am not one of those people, although I was never the most popular kid, and although I was teased and picked on, I never let it bother me. But this is a person who does not have the personality that I have.

What I liked best about this story is the concept, basically everything I said above. I like how it plays out and how he realizes that he is not just an average kid.

Actually I don't think you ever mentioned whether he is a boy or a girl, but based on the way he was treated by the other kids I'm going to say he's guy.

Some things you could work on.

I don't think you need quotes around "I was no different from anybody else; remarkably unremarkable."

I don't like this "But life was not to be that way. Just as I thought I'd gotten away with something, I got noticed." Its not really clear what he got away with. I can guess its getting away with not being noticed but the something makes it a bit subjective to me.

The physics class seems a little unrealistic actually. Having just taken two physics classes, one with 50 students and the other with 15, not a week went by (four days a week class) that some one didn't point out even the smallest error, and my teachers did it on purpose some times. So I find it hard to believe that this guy could get away with seeing these mistakes for so long without someone blurting them out first. Perhaps that did happen but you don't specify. I don't think its a big deal or anything you need to fix, I just wanted to let you know what I thought about that.

Which brings me to the end. It was a little anti-climactic. it was nice to discover that he was not as unremarkable as he thought but the way you built it up in the beginning I half expected him to survive a catastrophe of some sort. I feel like I'm missing something though.I've been reading this whole section

"I'd always thought so, but then thought it was simply a protective mechanism God gave the pitiable amongst us to help us survive. Pride is not a virtue, but a vice unworthy of being noticed, and purposefully extinguished."

But I just can't quite figure out what you mean by it and but it looks to me to be a key point in the message. I'm just not entirely sure what to make of it.

I really enjoyed this story, Its a nice little piece that brought a smile to my face! especially because I can relate to the college experience.
Write on!

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#1300305 by Maryann
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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Ah the lab, I worked in a molecular bio lab last semester. Didn't do any medical stuff but I definitely know the importance of a good sterile technique. Did a lot of Electrophoresis, it was more like a scavenger hunt than murder mystery. Any way this is a good piece, there were a few grammar errors and some of the wording didn't flow very well.

This line "I uncapped the needle and stabbed wildly. My angle of entry was good, everything else was not" was kind of confusing at first because you say you stabbed wildly and then you seem to contradict yourself by saying your angle of entry was good. Then I read that everything else was not and I got it. Yeah kind of confusing.

Nice to see that you were able to pull through, I know exactly how if feels to just not be able to get it and then some one shows you for the umpteenth time and suddenly it clicks! I had to give a cat insulin shots once, it looked so simple when the owner did it but when I had that needle in my hand I just couldn't believe I was going to stick it in that cat, it was a weird feeling.

The best thing about this piece is that you are writing about what you know, its confident and well thought out because you know what you are doing. I especially like the description of blood squirting out of other holes in the fake arms. The whole piece is witty and clever as well as informative, keep it up, I'd be interested to read what you have to say about Electrophoresis.

Also I love your birdy. So pretty and cute!

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Review of A dream  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it, I especially like how it rhymes and flows smoothly. I don't like that modern style that just seems to be a bunch of words describing something with no pattern, no rhythm. Writing a poem that rhymes and flows takes more thought, which I admire. I'm not a big poetry person so there is really nothing I can see that you should change. The only critique I can make is that I had to read it a couple times to get the rhythm right. Also I don't see the correlation between the title and the poem. Maybe come up with something else? Other than that, this is a really good poem. Keep writing beautiful little pieces like this and you will be a champion of rhyme lovers everywhere!

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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting,

What I liked: this is a good start, you introduce your first main character and do a good job developing her. Makes me wonder what is so special about Jon that she loves him so much. Even though we haven't met Jon you still manage to develop his character as well. He seems like the kind of guy who love's her so much will do whatever he has to for her. He also loves his dog, that's just plain cute! The story flows nicely and makes sense and the dialogue is believable.

What you need to fix: Its a little wordy in the beginning, by that I mean you use a lot of unnecessary words making it a bit repetitive. for example at the end of the first paragraph "so they could spend the rest of their time together instead of apart." you don't need to say "instead of apart." its kind of redundant and obvious. Some parts are awkwardly put like "Navy always came before the needs of her", you could just say "her needs" there.
There were little things like that through out the story. You also didn't really describe the dog, unless I missed it somehow. All I got was that its a think haired, big dog, but you don't say what breed it is or what color.

All this really needs is a good polish and perhaps a little more incentive for the reader to keep reading, I didn't really see any foreshadowing of the conflict to come. In my reading experience a prologue is the hook, makes the reader want to know whats going on. This piece had more of a first chapter feeling to me. This is just my opinion of course, I hope you find it help full. Keep up the good work!

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Review of Memory Lapse  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
HA! I LOVE IT! There really wasn't anything I could find wrong with this story because I was enjoying it too much! There were some things in the beginning that I didn't really like. The main thing being that "Law" about not torturing prisoners. All's fair in love and war and all that, but even if both sides agreed to such a law that doesn't mean they are above breaking it, then we find out later that is in fact the case. Considering he seemed so concerned about it I found it was kind of odd that he didn't think about how they were breaking it when she said "whip him". Seems like he would.

I think my favorite part was the paragraph where he admits that he's not the smartest but that he has done more than people more gifted then him. I liked this part because it made him a believable and relateable character. The fact that he wasn't a macho, deep, guy with a hero complex made this a very refreshing read. He may not be very smart but at least he's so, I would say impressionable, that he can remember that one most important thing. I say impressionable because he probably would have cracked it his boss hadn't put a gun to his head.

Thanks for a great read!

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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting, I like the concept and this is a good start. Its a little cliché, girl in a society that does arranged marriages and doesn't want to gets engaged to the guy she can't stand. Saw that coming a mile a way. Kind of takes away from the story for me. The fact that she doesn't make it to 10 months I also saw coming but that's the main part of the story and you obviously want the reader to see it coming. One thing I was wondering was how old she is. I don't think you stated it, or maybe I missed it?

One of the major things that I didn't like is that its repetitive. You use the word 'matter' way too much, and combinations of matter with other words like a "choice" and "say" in the "matter".

The sixth paragraph the one beginning with "On Theta 5, marriages were still arranged by the parents," Is redundant. You already explained the first sentence in the paragraph before and the rest is really a long drawn out explanation for something that if very simple and already pretty obvious. Its enough to say "The children had little to no choice in the matter". The rest is kind of irrelevant.

I like this story, it just needs a little polishing. Keep it up!

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Review of Taxi  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is pretty good as far as the story goes, didn't see that coming which is great, but there are a few things that could be fixed.

First, you need to reread the whole thing, maybe out loud, because there are a lot of mistakes. For one the story is in past tense but on several occasions you switch to present tense. For example "could never, even in my worst nightmares, imagine that such rainy days will come" Should be "would come". Its worded strangely in some places as well.

For example "I wanted to analyze his look if it wasn’t for the gun he was pointing at me." That just doesn't make much sense.

Neither does this one "I didn’t know to thank him for saving me from the storm or fear from the gun in his hand or laugh at his stupid fake British accent."

I recommend reading some other peoples work and comparing your own to it.

Another thing that got me was that in the beginning you said the guy with the gun is a teen, but as the story progresses its like you start writing him as an adult. If he is in fact a teen then he shouldn't say " No lad please. It’s on me…Have a good shopping”, he wouldn't call a man that is older than him lad, or even a guy his age.

So like I said, good story. Life is good when you think you're going to die but then you find out you're not, I like that. Just keep writing and reading and rewriting.

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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting, It's a bit cliche, I don't think this is the best excerpt to use to get people to read your book when it comes out. Well maybe tweenage girls, which I would guess by the main character's personality is your target audience. Personally I don't think this would be something I would be interested in reading because I have never been into that crazy guy obsessed kind of story, but thats ok because I know a gaggle of tweens that would eat this stuff up. The reason I don't think this is a good excerpt is because it's too vague. I know their is magic and I know they are at school and I know she is smitten for him but that's about it. There's just so little revealed that I wasn't particularly intrigued enough to want to read more. I would suggest going through your book and finding a part with more conflict in it. Something that makes the reader really want to know what happens. Like I said this isn't really my cup of tea but that's exactly why you should think about using another part, to get people who might not really like it interested. Other than that I thought it was pretty good, keep it up.

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Review of Summertime  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
YES! summer is the best! Lying on the beach for hours and hours, with plenty of sunblock if you're as pale as me ;). My favorite line is the 5th, I love that tropical feeling! This made me think of all the great things of summer but the Heat! I could live without that, unless I'm at the beach or a pool. Not sure I like the line about attracting the heat like magnets to be honest, doesn't really rhyme with sunsets, on that note north doesn't really rhyme with earth, kind of takes way from it for me. That's ok though, its still a great poem! Keep it up!

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Review of The sea  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I know how you feel, I live on the coast so I visit the sea as often as I can. I don't have rocks at my beaches though, except flat ones in the water that tear up your feet if your not careful. My favorite stanza is the first,

I love the feel of salt air on my skin and in my hair. I think the second is my second favorite and so on in that order. I have been known to lie down on the bare sand because I love the feel so much but there is nothing like the feel of it between my toes!

Like I said my beaches don't really have rocks but the roar of the ocean drowns out all the sound of traffic. I never thought of it as empowering, I think of the third stanza every time I hear it now. Finally I know exactly what you mean, there is nothing quite as beautiful as the sea.

This is a beautiful poem I wish everyone could see how true this is. Keep writing!

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Review of Views of A Flower  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was clicking through the random reads when this poem caught my eye. I noticed it because the first word is daffodils and my sister has the most adorable bunny names daffodil. I thought it was just about flowers then when I got to the end I realized it was about life. I can see how each flower represents a part of life. I like how you used daffodils to represent childhood, I assume that was your intention. They are so carefree and lets face it, its just fun to say! Of course posies for young women and men who are dating and eventually live their lives together. Roses on the grave for the death of the lovers. This part I was not sure about. At first I thought it was about the two lovers lying in the ground together. Then I realized you must have meant one of them died and the other put the roses there. Nice little poem, keep writing!

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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aww, I love horses! I've never had my own but this poem reminds me of the few horses I have special relationships with! I like the brumby breed and how you portrayed them in this poem, trainable yet still free spirited. The rhythm of this poem reminds me of the beat of horse hooves. My favorite stanza is the fourth. It reminds me of a time when I was riding out in the woods and one of the horses through her rider. The horse ran off and mine galloped off after her. It was the first time I had ever rode at a gallop and I was sure my horse was going to toss me but he just looked back at me like "don't worry I'm not going to drop you." Its a feeling like no other the know you are safe on the back of such a large animal that people who don't ride just can't understand, but I think your poem gives them a good idea. This is a wonderful poem, you really captured to free and independent spirit of the horse but also the unique bond that horses and humans are able to share. I hope you keep writing beautiful works like this!

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Review of High Stakes  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cool! Very nice use of the prompt. I've always liked mob stories and have had a few ideas for one myself but I never thought I could pull it off. You have though, in 300 words you have constructed a whole picture. Marcus is part of a mob/gang but is also secretly working for the good guys. I would guess this micky guy was his friend. Or maybe they were friends growing up turned enemies by the paths life took them down and then briefly became friends when they realized they were on the same team. That's what I like to see in short pieces like this, providing enough material for the reader to use their imagination to figure out the rest. Great Job! Keep it up!

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Review of The Empire Black  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not really sure what it is this possible novel is supposed to be about. It is very well written and thought provoking but it doesn't give any real insight to what its about. I suggest writing some more of the story line you have in mind, then I and other readers could tell you if they want to read more. What is the conflict that this character faces? I think you should write this novel because it looks like you are a pretty good writer and would enjoy writing it, but I don't really know if I would read it or not.

Another thing is the dad and the uncle, you say that he was surprised by the way his dad reacted but its not clear why. His dad seems very upset but that's to be expected when you lose a loved one. I could see how he might be surprised by his dad's reaction if he thought his dad and his uncle weren't very close but he obviously knows that they were, "He had lost his best friend and brother in a car accident some weeks ago". So what was so surprising to him about his dad's reaction? Or was it that his dad was not upset at all? either way you should explain what the dad's reaction was and why it was so surprising. I might say something like "My dad was always so calm and collect, in just a few short hours he was reduced to a withering mess." or "I was surprised that my dad was taking the death of his brother and best friend so well."

You are a really good writer, you really just need to figure out how to sell your story. Not an easy thing to do, I certainly haven't mastered it ;), just need to catch your readers attention and then keep it. If you write a really compelling story in the beginning then the readers will stay with you even through the less interesting parts. So keep writing!

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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting, I too am a Alice In Wonderland fan, which is why this story caught my attention, but I'll admit, it was kind of a let down, leaving the story up to the reader can be a clever and fun tactic if done right and I think you are on the right track but not quite there. For me, I can't really imagine what could be through that door because you didn't give me much to go on. I'm asking myself what could be so sensitive as to cause the destruction of the universe? And what is so special about her that she can know and I can't? Other than that this is a pretty good story, you were what 14 when you wrote it? I remember looking back at stuff I wrote when i was that age and I realized how much I improved. I think this is pretty good for a ninth grader, could you improve it? Yes, do you really need to? Nah. Write some new stuff and you will be able to compare it to this and see how much you have improved, just remember to keep writing and have fun!
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Review of Fade Away  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Intriguing, I guess there are people who might feel this way and you have put it into words in the most interesting way possible. I think if someone were actually fading away this would be an accurate portrayal of how they might feel. I like stories like this because they give me something to think about. At first I was focused on the main concept, about fading away when nothing you do matters, and I am of the opinion that everything you do matters so I wasn't very impressed. Then I noticed something else which you may or may not have intended. I was really intrigued by the way he turned to writing as his last voice. Writing is truly a special gift which seems to be your real message here (and if not then it's at least a message)
I noticed a few errors like this one "I had expecting him to help" should be "I had expected". A lot of the sentences were very choppy and abrupt. It didn't flow quite as nicely as it could. You could work on that.

I really enjoyed this story, like I said it made me think, keep up the good work.

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#1300305 by Maryann

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Review of I love redheads  
Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well now, I could tell there was something sinister going on here. My first reaction was "creeeeeper" and I was right. I think you could do better though. I think you could make the reader really believe that it is a cute love-at-first-sight story despite the nagging suspicion (which I think you got down perfectly) that there is something wrong with this guy. That appears to be what you are going for in the first place. I just wasn't that surprised. You could try making it longer, really lay on the romance. Other than that I found it sadistically humorous, the stuff of horror movies. The wording is good, I didn't see any glaring mistakes so nice job, albeit creepy.

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#1300305 by Maryann
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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
hahaha, that's hilarious! I thought it might be something like that from the title but it was even funnier than I expected. I like the connection to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, that's pretty clever. I'll think of this from now on every time I use the 'potty' and I'll never be able to call it anything else. I agree there is nothing like spreading the cheer. Thanks for a good laugh and an awesome limerick.

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Review by Eileen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
"I'm so tired, and nothing I try works." I have this exact same problem except with physics so I know how she feels. This is really great! I love how it flows and the way everything is worded, it's different, very Irish I think. The story its self is very cute! What scientist doesn't dream of a cute guy (or girl) giving them some unexpected help when they most need it. I love the limericks, they are my favorite form of poetry. You did a great job describing the characters and developing them, I like how Shaun's eyes were actually blue and how you described the transition.

The best part about this story is it's actually believable. Not the computer learning limericks so much (unless you really know of a computer that has done that) but that a janitor could solve a highly complicated scientific problem. I had a science teacher who told us (the class) that there was no such thing as a stupid idea. Reason being that he once had some research students who made some pretty wild suggestions that he thought were completely crazy, the next thing he knew they were getting papers published! Science is a lot like writing, no matter how ridiculous an idea may seem it's still worth trying. You have a mind for writing and science, so keep it up.

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Review of Earth: Lost  
Review by Eileen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh the irony, reading about being dependent on technology over the internet. An interesting concept but personally I don't think its an accurate portrayal. There are plenty of people who don't rely on any technology at all, and I'd like to think that most of humanity is intelligent enough to get along without electricity. Considering how many natural disasters people have to face which often take out power I think humanity can dream up a way to survive without technology. I go to a school with technology in the name and I've learned how to get along without it more than any other school I've gone to. What does that say? It says that my school needs to cough up the cash and get their machines fixed thankyouverymuch! Anyway I liked this, it reminded me of Halo, great game. I kind of wish there was more to it, because the journal entries leave a lot to the imagination, like what the other characters are like. Still, since it's suppose to be a journal I think it is a pretty good journal. I can see a lot of potential for this concept should you choose to expand on it, if you haven't already and if not that's fine too. Keep it up!
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Review of The Forest of Ash  
Review by Eileen
Rated: E | (4.5)
Aww I love a happy ending more or less. You're like me, I don't like to reread what I've written, but I usually will eventually. I'm not good at spell checking or grammar, but I did notice an instance when you changed from past to present tense. a place where you left a word out, and some awkward wording here and there. I'll be honest, I was expecting something more sinister. Don't get me wrong it concept is appropriately horrific I just thought it would be more otherworldly. I kind of thought he would be seeing her ghost although I'm glad it was not because I don't really care for stuff like that. It just seemed to be the direction you were going. I think you could put more emotion into it, maybe describe how the characters feel more when they are reunited. Also I find it very unlikely that the cops wouldn't find that house. Maybe you could come up with a more believable reason why they might not find it. for example maybe it was up in a tree (although that could cause problems with having Jack see inside of it) Or instead of a house it was a tent that could be packed up. I guess it doesn't really matter for this story but keep that in mind because details like that can take away from a story. Dialog was good, I worry about that too. Characters were good also, very believable i think. Very gripping but you could add some more detail towards the end, from about the point where he talks to her. That's all I can think of, keep writing!
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Review by Eileen
Rated: E | (5.0)
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! This is the best thing I have ever read! (I say as I sit here typing next to my eccentric beta) This is so true! Except for my current beta though, he is not so curious and forgetful as he is hostile and forgetful. Every time I look at him he gets all puffed up and swims back and forth across the front of his tank like " I'm gunna get you!" It's so funny! He follows my finger too like its going to attack him. Its great because he is sooooo pretty and I love to see his fins which are best displayed in fight mode/ excited food time mode. I could go on and on about him, I need to take a video of him so I can see him all the time! He is my muse, and my little guard fish! Anyway this made my day!
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