Hello Shy Bean
I found your short story, "The Cycle of Revenge" and was quickly sucked into a most interesting, and different story.
The Cycle of Revenge (13+) short story, more focussed on emotion than activity, it evolved as i wrote it. #992116 by Shy Bean
What I liked: Building the fear worked well here. Revealing details slowly about Mya. The tone of the story. Ending!
*violet*What needs work:
*plum* Grammar--You tend to use run-on sentences. Shorten your sentence. Then, make a
second sentence. The reader prefers it. POV-- Is it first person or third... sometimes it was hard to tell.
Overall, I thought you did a pretty good job. With a few fixes, this story could be a lot better. It would read through without stumbling.
Welcome to writing.com
Peace.
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Proud member of the following groups
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I'm back again! Raiding your port as a member of the Red Marker ship.
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General Comments: Did a little birdie tell me you actually didn't go to the convention? I know I heard it somewhere!
Arrrrgggh. Me brains are so raid-fried I don't know anything anymore!
Things I liked:
Great use of prompts!
Poetic form reads well. I thought it was
lovely.
Ecellent use of vocabulary words.
What didn't work for me/Needed a change:
Something doesn't read well about this line--->
"I realize that only I have control."
I re-read it several times and it doesn't feel right.
It isn't syllable count.. I cannot put my finger on it.
I'm back again! Raiding your port as a member
of the Red Marker ship.
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General Comments:
I can't help myself! You are my HERO! Without WDC I would be a lost and lonely soul.
I came here six months ago, on the advice
of a friend and have completely settled in.
I have not only found a place to write and read,
I finally began to share what I write/have written for the last several years.
Your port alone, holds so much information. A person could get lost (in a good way) for hours!
Overall, this article would be useful to anyone who uses the computer. Beyond that. I think we should all be thankful every day to storymaster for all he does to keep this wonderous site going. He is indeed a wonderful person! Hip Hip Hooray!
There is a special reason I picked a poetry piece.
One day I came through your port and actually read each article on "Poetic Devices" and then I Printed out all the information to keep in a poetry folder at my computer desk.
I think anyone who writes poetry could benefit from the series of poetry articles in your port.
I'll be raiding your port as a member of the Red Marker ship.
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General Comments:
Not only do you give information. You ALWAYS give examples.
Things I liked:
Examples provided. Link to other poetic devices provided. Everyone on WDC knows if you need to
know anything-- ask VIV. Any/all big words have definition
provided.
Areas Needing Attention:
Who am I kidding? Viv always get's it right!
No room for improvement here!!!!
Overall, your article helped me, I hope it can help
others as well. Do read up on poetic devices at her site!
Hello There DragonWrites~The Fire Faerie~
I don't think I've ever been to your port before
I hope you are having FUN at Convention 2005!
Your Fantasy/Horror story written for the June prompt caught my eye.
I'll be raiding your port as a member of the Red Marker ship.
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General Comments:
I'm sure there was a reason for changing back and forth from red font to black font-- but I didn't catch it. Maybe my eyes are just worn out. I've been at this pirate raiding thing for several hours now, and I'm a bit pillaged out!
Things I liked:
Excellent dialogue skills, very few dialogue tags!
This is the mark of a good writer!
You leave the reader wanting more, on the edge of their seat. Excellent skill.
Areas Needing Attention:
Split infinitives. Lack of comma's in areas.
Tense consistency. You sometimes appear to use past tense and then switch to present tense. You need to choose one tense and stick to it.
Overall, your story was quite interesting and I'd probably come back to read a second chapter, even though I don't read much fantasy.
I'll be raiding your port as a member of the Red Marker ship.
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General Comments:
As you stated, the pass key is like: "locking a door and giving keys to only certain people"
You were very careful to mention that passkeys can NOT begin with the number zero and that your passkeys will be added to your passkey ring
**** which is on the bottom of the
members tools link****
Things I liked:
Your article used a question/answer format to go over anything writing.com members might need to know about using and setting a passkey for a static item in their port.
Your very touching "letter/memo"caught my eye. I'll be raiding your port as a member of the Red Marker ship.
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General Comments:
I'm a little embarassed to admit it, but this story brought me to tears.
I've been a writing.com member for six months now.
and if you like being a member of the best community there is online... then Go Now.. do not hesitate..
and READ THIS STORY..
Oh.... and check out the Adorable photo of The StoryMistress as a child.
You will be as touched as I was.
Thank you for giving us the Storymistress so that she and StoryMaster could create the wonderful land of Writing.com where I have been blissfully happy and creative.
I came across your Online Friendships Poll, and couldn't resist reviewing it on the public page.
It scares me that so many people would be willing to "meet socially" with another person that they know nothing about except what they have been told by a COMPLETE STRANGER at the other end of a computer connection.
This person could say they were a young woman, and join women's groups, etc. and then in fact-- be a man or a predator.
We should all be very, very careful about the information we share with others.
I know we have a great community here at writing.com and that some members have gotten to trust other members and have shared phone numbers and such.
But, the internet is still a vast expanse of people. Some good and some really awful. You never know what you will get.
This poll, shows how many people are willing to take a chance with their life.
My life and safety and the safety of my family are worth a lot to me. I am very careful. You should be too.
I think, this is what this author was trying to say.
In any case--you have been raided by a member of the Red Marker Pillager's
~~
Flower the Pirate
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General Comments: I found it interesting that you chose to write the entire poem in a red font. I felt that was meant to be symbolic. Maybe, I'm wrong, but that was the impression I got.
Things Needing Attention:
This piece didn't read like a poem to me. It didn't have rhythm or structure or flow. It seemed more like a letter to yourself. It had personal feelings behind it.
I don't think " evilness" is a word.
The lines I like best: (most poetic)
I still watched from beneath the sheets
to make sure he wasn't near.
And --- the last line
Now, I am no longer afraid.
OF course-- poetry is a very personal thing and each person interprets it in a different way.
You have been scavenged by a member of the Red Marker Pillager's
The title of this piece alone caught my eye. I be doing a bit of the scavenging through yer port.
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It's a good sign when halfway through, I am laughing outloud!
And, just in case you thought you were alone, guess again! There are a myriad of computer haters out there. Most of them just don't wanna hafta admit it.
It is an art form to really hate computers!
Favorite part.... though I really don't want to give too much away.
"toaster flashes a message (the first sign of operation it's shown in an hour and a half), and it tells you that if you unplug it, it will retroactively burn and poison every piece of toast you made in the last 24 hours;"
---Still cracking up--- nearly fell out of my chair!
Peace!
You've been scavenged by one of the Red Marker Pillagers.
--
Flower
Ahoy Mate!
There's a pirate afoot.
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So, while I was scavenging through yer port mate, I found this wee jewel of a poem.
Liked it I did. The length is short. But you pack a lot of emotion in your words.
And the poetic form is WELL DONE!
I particularly like the second stanza.
--when the pillaging is done, and I have more time, I will be back to read more of your poetry.
With so many cat-lovers in the world I see new inventions all the time, but I have to say your outdoor play world is THE coolest/cutest/safest idea I have seen in a long time.
Everyone should check it out-- has photo
Cat Pen (E) cat play area we built for the safety of our cats. #754144 by catwoman
Now, those mean ole' coyotes will just have to find some other kind of animal to munch on for their evening snack.
Have you considered putting in crawling tunnels and cat toys or a slide?
Hello Don Anderson
I came across this poem by clicking on a link at the bottom of another review I was doing. Kinda weird how the title just peaked my interest.
Your poem seems more like a journal entry to your lady friend. It is sad. It seems unfinished.
I have to admit, the last stanza is the part I like the best. However, I might re-work a tiny bit.
You wrote:
like a child with a blanket
in the darkness
and cursed the night
for having a million eyes
and no mouth
I would have written:
like a child with a blanket
surrounded by darkness
cursing the night
for having a million eyes
and nary a mouth.
or something like that.
Anyhow. Poetry is so personal. It is born of your feelings. Yet it should have MEANING. It should have imagery!
Just my opinion
Peace.
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Hello again chesslover
I didn't realize you were so new to writing.com when I found your other short story
The Woman (E) Please tell me what you think; this is a different approach from my other piece. #991632 by chesslover
on the request page. I see this one is another version of the same story with some changes in the main character. "The Struggle"
I must say I like the details in this story. However, the ending is not as much a surprise. You give away too much in the previous details.
Cannot say much here, wanna save it for readers to go read themselves.... (sneaky grin)
Nevertheless...
I see what you were going for. However, I liked the
The Woman (E) Please tell me what you think; this is a different approach from my other piece. #991632 by chesslover
version the best!
By the way.. you should go into your account-- located in the upper left corner of your screen and click on it and then follow directions to fill in your Bio Block so people know a little about you like age, gender and interests.
Hello chesslover
You posted this story on the Review Request Page, so I thought I'd give it a looksee.
I love a good mystery. I cannot believe I got sucked in and didn't figure out your twist!
YOU GOT ME!
The ending made the story!
Keep writing.
Peace!
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Good afternoon again!SB Musing
You are very lucky today, as I am back to view more of your work! I thought I'd check out a short story or two while I'm browsing about, (if you don't object)
Well, I found this great piece!
Little Angel (E) A little angel visits an elderly woman in a nursing home. #771645 by SB Musing
<--- bring kleenex!
if you have a heart!
My Overall Impression:
Great setting. Likeable characters. Dialogue is handled well, though there isn't much of it.
GeneralComments
Good spacing for internet reading. So many people forget to leave adequate room between paragraphs for reading on computer screens. Thanks. Things needing attention:
I would have liked to have seen more developed descriptions of your characters.
You put--
"An old woman slowly opened her eyes as the sun's light warmed her face"
"An elderly woman, with deep wrinkles around her sleepy brown eyes, surrounded by wisps of thining grey hair, swept off her face, which showed the passage of years in the deep crevaces around her thin lips, woke as the gentle sun warmed her face"
Okay--- maybe I went a bit overboard, and forgot a comma, or a colon, but you get the idea.
Readers are starved for details.
We want details. We want to know everything about the characters. We want to be able to paint a picture in our minds.
I think you focused on the inclusion of the five prompts and left out some detail.
You are an excellent writer. I think on this story, you focused on something else.
Errors/Typo's
They might have been there, but I missed them. I focused on other things. LOL-- see, it happens.
My Rating:
Peace!
Flower
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After a busy afternoon, I needed some down time. What better way than with some poetry. I skipped on over to the Exhibition and found my way to your lovely, and well organized port.
I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed your poem, called, "Ragged Doll".
Ragged Doll (E) I hurt myself again today, I wonder if I will ever heal. I just can't deal. #762120 by SB Musing
My Overall Impression:
As with all your poems, it was deeply personal and emotion filled. You have a way of pulling the reader into your world, so they feel the emotions you were conveying with your words.
GeneralComments
Though I generally prefer free verse, as of late, I am warming to the myriad of poetic devices available to the writer of poetry.
I never thought I would use a form to write poetry, but once you try one, you cannot resist the forms.
Things needing attention:
There isn't anything I could put my finger on... but at times, I felt the form was forcing the words. I think that's why I like free verse so much.
Though this is a lovely poem. You might have had more leeway with free verse on this particular poem had you not been shackled to the necessities of the ryhme scheme. Errors/Typo's
None found. Bravo!
My Rating:
1/2
Mostly, because I like the image it painted in my mind.
First, and foremost, I think you should change the entry rating to NON-E.
I like the message hidden in this poem. So many young people these days seem to rack up the notches instead of waiting for the right moment.
I remember when there were "good girls" who stayed pure, and the "other girls" who didn't.
Thank you for sharing this poem with everyone.
Peace.
Flower
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Hi-
This certainly is an interesting look inwards. I'm assuming you intentionally left out the grammar, so I will not comment on the lack of comma's, or periods since some people choose not to use them in their poetry and this is well practiced.
Your concept works well. It is sort of like a birth process. A poem, being born. At least, that's how I see it.
It seems to me that "Gods" should be capital letters, even though you aren't using a lot of grammar. God is the exception.
My only pet peeve is the last line...
I just don't think our selves are heading to perfection. I think the journey is elsewhere. More spiritual. But, that is my personal opinion.
Your poem flows well, has no visible errors and captured my attention. So, all in all, it was a great poem for me.
Thanks for sharing.
Peace.
~~~
Flower
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hi supergurl
Welcome to writing.com!
I noticed your first two pieces are poems.
I read both of them, but for now I will review your poem, "Not My Lover" which is both sad and somewhat telling of many young relationships these days.
Not My Lover (E) This is about a friend of mine who I had feelings for while I was dating someone else. #987811 by supergurl
It used to be, when you entered into a relationship with someone, and told them you "loved them forever"
it really and truly meant forever.
Nowadays, I hear 4th graders telling each other they love each other. It makes me wonder about how often the word "love" is used.
It makes me sad, how often love is used these days.
Love used to be so sacred
Friendship and love seem to be mingling in the minds of many young people these days.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
In the meantime, your poem is soulful and yet sad.
Peace to you
Flower
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Hi--
I have to admit, this is the first time I have tried a mad lib. I had fun! I needed a break from reviewing and I saw your name on the public reviews and lo-and behold I found a madlib. I highly recommend finding fun items in ports when your eyes get weary. I certainly found this mad lib to be quite fun.
By the way, I am a super huge fan of Clay Aiken.
This summer, I saw him in concert at the state fair. He rocked!
Peace.
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Hi Lavender Jane
I've never reviewed your work before (at least to my recall. Quite frankly, your handle drew me to your port.
I chose to read, " I Saw You Today"
which is an emotionally poignant piece which pulled me to the edge of my seat several times.
My Overall Impression: I liked the personal tone of the story, the empathy created for this abused woman through your details is marvelous. I felt her pain, her withdrawl, her agony and her ambivalence.
Things to watch out for/typo's/errors: stop-smoking-kits is more correct (I think)?
you would also use a hypen for--> low-carb candy bars.
You tend to forget comma's where they are needed. When you use the word "but" in a sentence you usually need a comma after it.
Favorite line:
your last line:---> And, after all, everyone leaves eventually.
Your story is well told. The characters have depth and other than the few errors, which can be fixed, I found it quite entertaining.
My rating: 1/2
Peace to you.
Flower
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Building the fear worked well here.
began to share what I write/have written for the last several years. 
