Hello Dwyn
First off, I would like to welcome you to writing.com
This site is quite large and has much to offer.
I noticed you hadn't entered any info in your
bio-block" I find it helpful to know if I am
reviewing something written by a young woman or man,
or a schoolage person, etc.
You can fill in your info by going to the "getting
started link up in the far left corner and following
directions from that point.
As for your piece--
You clearly wrote from your heart.
Losing a friend after a while is difficult.
If you wanted to turn this into a better "Story"
you may want to use third person instead of first
person and include: a setting interesting characters dialogue between the characters
The resolution for your story is excellent and if you
added to the "story" you could keep the same ending.
Keep writing and do explore the site.
Be sure to check out some of the newsletters
they are quite helpful for newbies to this site.
Peace always.
~flower~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi ~Miss.Daae~
I'd like to offer you a hearty welcome to writing.com
I hope you have found many of the things offered here.
Subsribing to newsletters is a fantastic way to gain esposure and meet new people. I highly recommend "Invalid Item" You cannot beat it for info for new members!
I'm guessing- based on your username (around here we call it a "handle" that you are a big fan of Phantom of the Opera. Way cool! Me too!
My Overall Impression: You have the makings of a decent story here.
You have a (short) plot, a couple of characters and a hospital room setting.
Things needing more attention: Spelling- always run a spell check! repeated words in close proximity.
You used the word "I" 5 times in the first sentence.
The problem--telling instead of showing.
I woke up in the hospital. My sister Mackena sat next to my bed. It was then I remembered the crash. Mackena looked up and saw I was awake.
"Oh! Anna, your awake!"
Immediately, I began to scream.
I want you to go through this story and look for these words-- "was" "were" "had" "been" "thought"
"am" "is" "are" "do" "did" "could" "get" "got"
These words will TELL the reader something instead of using action verbs to SHOW them something.
The reader wants to be engaged and feel every emotion in that hospital room. They want to feel fear and pity and hope and whatever else you try to convey with your story.
In order to yank on the heartstrings of your readers you must use STRONG verbs and write in a way that shows your reader what is going on. Grab your reader by the throat and drag them into the emotional muck of the story....keep them on the edge of their seat begging for the next word.
Their mouth should be watering with anticipation for what comes next. They must have a Need to know!
Keep them wanting more.
My rating:
When you have looked this story over and made some changes I will be glad to come back and review it again for you.
I am sure you can beef this story up and make me want to read it again.
Peace!
"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf
is a flower."
~Albert Camus
Hi SliceableKitty
Welcome aboard this wonderful site for writers. There is enough here to keep an aspiring writer busy for a very long time. I hope you have checked out some of the groups, and have tried a few newsletters. Both are excellent ways to meet more people in the community.
My Overall Impression:
Fantastic pacing! Great details. --made me feel as if
I could actually "touch" the skin. "Metamorphosis (was: "Skin")"
--of course this brought a mixture of revulsion
(at the thought of the whole idea)
and sheer delight at your ability to whisk me to a
place where this all takes place.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My hat is off to you for delving into this creepy
world of a psychopath. Nicely done!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Areas to Improve
Try not to start a sentence with "And"
There is usually a comma after the word "But"
Make wise word choices.
ex. I t waswas nearly upon the moment I had waited for all these years.
The last sentence has a tense problem:
"My head was spinning as I began the process of
removing my old..."
My head spun as I began the process of removing my old..."
My rating: 1/2
For excellent pacing, story idea and delivery!
Keep up the great work.
Peace!
"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf
is a flower."
~Albert Camus
Dmitri,
I'm breathless, speechless and in awe!
You are a wise soul for someone so young in years.
I'm glad to have met you.
This deserves a read people "Where I'm From"
Not many people write from their soul. You do!
This line struck me:
I am from politics, which holds an olive branch
in one hand and a dagger behind its back.
My caregivers father recently passed away
(last week) at the age of 82. We used to have long
political discussions. We were polar opposites
in the political arena, yet we loved to throw out ideas and learn from these discussions.
He strongly agreed that politics offered something
up, yet held a secret dagger out of sight.
Thanks for sharing.
I shall return soon to peruse your port.
Peace.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~flower~
Hmmm,
I think everyone should check out this poll!
"Writing.com. How's it treating you?" Writing.com has been so great for me. As someone who is homebound due to a chronic illness, I have made wonderful friends here at WDC. I write a lot more than I used to write, and I get great feedback. Honest feedback!
I have learned new poetic forms. I've tried different types of stories I wouldn't have tried without the support of this site. I could go on.....
Check out the poll. I cannot imagine anyone being unhappy with wdc. It Rocks!
A happy WDCer
~flower~
Hi,
Your poem speaks loudly of your pain and sorrow. The poem itself almost takes the reader on a journey through your experience. At least thats how I saw it.
I think you need to change the rating on this due to the usage of certain words and the message the poem conveys. I think the 13+ rating would be more appropriate.
Good stuff.
Peace always.
Hello COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME
My my, I happened to find this poem on Raging Waters at this time when our country has been hit with 2 hurricanes in a row...and I just heard on the news about a possible third (and largest ever maybe headed towards Miami Florida)
Something about the title struck me.
I don't know if this poem is true. If it is-- I am sorry you had to go through rough times like this and experience these losses. It seems we have all had an awful lot of losses over the past several years. America appears to be getting stronger as a result.
I've always believed in pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and looking at whatever sunlight you can and going on with life. I know it can be quite difficult. Believe me, I know.
Life has thrown me a few curve balls. More than a few some might say.
Your work here at WDC is a testament to your strong will. Your poetry is some of the best I've read.
Be proud. Have faith in yourself and in tomorrow.
Peace.
~flower~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi!
You asked me to review this for you.
So, here are my thoughts. Chapter One. "VIRII" by Sunny Rajpal
My Thoughts
Usually not my type of story... but it has
potential. Dr. Sanizer needs to be described for me.
I want to know more about him. He has a semi-big
role yet you don't say enough about him. You don't
desribe him well enough for the readers.
More--more---more!!! Perhaps you could...
In general, you describe things without a lot of detail. Readers want details.
I couldn't help myself. You did use the same
wording in a couple of places. "There is..."
In both instances it creates a passive voice
where a stronger action verb would have been a better
choice. There are several people who do not agree
with this idea. However, you can read all about it
if you look it up on the internet.
I like the flow of this though I usually don't care for rhymed poetry. It doesn't seem forced. It feels like a final letter, one you might not get to send. I found myself getting a bit teary eyed reading it. I felt a little let down by the ending... I kinda wanted it to be about adulthood instead of the childhood picture. --just my opinion.
~flower~
My Overall Impression:
You have an interesting scene here. With some
hard work, you could make something work here.
GeneralComments I found myself looking for some things.
Your character is not named and remains as a mystery throughout. We know very little about him, except he is male and alone in a precarious situation.
As a reader I want to know more What year is it? Where does this take place. Is anyone looking for the main character? Does "he" love someone? What does he look like?
There is much more you could add....
You get the idea!
Things needing attention: You tend to modify your adverbs before or after the verb -->ex. and then confidentlystepped forward onto the..." ( note the "ly" ending on your adverb, and the underlined verb right after it)
and here---> "maneuveredflawlessly"
My Rating: 1/2
Spend some time thinking about plot, characters
and even internal dialogue (which should be in italics instead of quotations)
Hi RarGoesMeh
I'd like to offer you a hearty welcome to writing.com and I hope you have found many of the things offered here. I hope you subscribe to a few newsletters and get to know people around here. I personally think the
"Invalid Item" is one of the best.
I found your short story on the request reviews page.
My Overall Impression:
I was a bit surprised to find it written in
first person. I thought it might have been a bit auto-biograhpical. You have a location, a main character and some details here. You have a few good metaphors. What you need here is pizazz!
I like the Princess Jasmine slippers.
Do you plan to expand this idea more?
Dialogue might move this along a bit better as well.
Things needing more attention: Run on sentences. Make use of juicy descriptions to liven
up the story and add more dialogue, even internal
dialogue. Everyone was busy outside<--- who?
Details... I want to know more about these other people...as a reader I crave details. I eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner!
My rating:
For now. Work on it a bit and I'll come back to review it again.
Don't ever forget. Writing is rewriting.
Peace!
"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf
is a flower."
~Albert Camus
Oh Man,
Part of me is having a cow! You see, I had a double
root canal this past Monday. I spent a great deal of the week in agony from tooth pain. So, I sure didn't
want to read a story about a dentist.
Yet, there I was reading away.
Your story "Fictitious Dentist" was amazing! "Fictitious Dentist" by Sunny Rajpal What was it that struck me?
I found humor in the story. Yep. Fresh from my own
dental nightmare. I found myself laughing at your
story. Great ending. A must read!
rock!
Though I enjoy using my handle to thank people who have done something without my asking or announce something new in my life... I wholeheartedly agree.
This begging has gotten out of hand. I live on the
the tightest income you could possibly imagine.
($664.00 a month social security)
How's that for bold eh! Yep folks, the country
thinks I can exist on that measly amount!
What I do!
I save money, I review till' I'm blue.
I enter contests, and sometimes (only sometimes)
I may win third or something. Then, I use my GP's
wisely.
Also, there are a lot of auto-awards out there.
These people who beg should look at some of the auto awards that pay up to 1000 GP's a piece.
I spent three days doing auto rewards once and earned over 20,000 gp's.
Okay, nuff said. Jumping off my soapbox now.
Peace.
~flower~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello ScaryMaster
Do I like writing.com? 775 yes votes
Of course I like it here! Who wouldn't.
I fell in love with this site, and all the wonderful people... almost as soon as I came here. You have a 100% Wonderful, Fabulous, Out of sight, Top-Notch site here. Never leavin'
Thanks for making this writing world for people like me and the thousands of others who enjoy it.
(5 stars)
Hi Ella Jane,
I'd like to offer you a hearty welcome to writing.com and I hope you have found many of the things offered here. Subscribing to a few newsletters can be quite helpful towards getting to know people around here and learning about the site. I personally think the
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor is one of the best, though I take 7 newsletters.
My Overall Impression:
Most poetry evokes such strong emotions. While I did feel the emotional pull of this poem, I felt you were holding something back. It felt like you were afraid to really unleash your feelings, afraid a dam might burst or something to that effect.
I had a strong feeling you were right at the edge of something big, but holding it all in very carefully.
Things needing more attention: In several places you used the word
"to" instead of "too"--->And never feel to far
should be "too"
and here-->And never feel to slight
In general, I felt there were places you could have tightened the piece by using fewer words to convey your thought or idea.
My rating: 1/2
-- I think with some work you could improve this a great deal. ----
I had a strong feeling I would have categorized this more as a personal essay instead of a poem. However, with some revision, and a little more work, the existing metaphors and a tighter work could make this piece into a fine poem.
Peace!
"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf
is a flower."
~Albert Camus
Hi nickthetough,
I'd like to offer you a hearty welcome to writing.com and I hope you have found many of the things offered here. Many newbies find it helpful to subscribe to a few newsletters. I did this and it helped me learn the ropes and meet new people and get to know a lot around here. I personally think the
"Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor is one of the best. My Overall Impression:
While you didn't use punctuation, I found your poem quite powerful. Many writers choose not to use any punctuation in poetry. This bothers some hard-core poets, but I still got your message loud and clear.
I felt as if you needed to get all the words down on paper, and didn't want to be stopped during the writing process. I've done this many times.
Perhaps later, you will go back and look at the words a bit more. Looking for places where you could manipulate the metaphors a bit.
Things needing more attention:
Poetry is such a personal thing, it is much too dificult to tell a person to change or improve something that flows from their soul.
I want to thank you for sharing with us and encourage you to continue writing and reading here at writing.com
My rating:
Peace!
"Autumn is a second spring when every leaf
is a flower."
~Albert Camus
My Overall Impression:
Extremely valuable information. Presented in an easy to read format. Great collection of sites.
Must have taken quite a bit of research to find all the wonderful articles and sites. Thanks!
GeneralComments Much needed info about vanity scams. great new writing sites to explore. tons of new fiction sites for those
new to writing.
I just finished reading your poem (which you clearly stated was based on a book you read),"You".
You (13+) A poem inspired by the book: You Don't Know Me. #983679 by Baset
My Overall Impression:
This poem is quite powerful.
I like the focus on the eyes.
GeneralComments Well spaced. Easy to read.
Things needing attention: You tend to overuse exclamation points. tighten your prose.
What do I mean by that?
Use less words.
Ex. but the world has never seen
them the way I have seen them . no need for extra words.
The world has never seen the hunger in them as the house begins to empty. again.. cutting the words, works well.
more concise.
and in this line--->(although I feel your restraint slipping) remove the parenthesis.
My Rating:
1/2 Some attention to the above points would help. I think you could expand this and add more, with a very distinct emphasis on imagery!
Draw the reader in.
You organized the article quite well.
The golden rule being: make the character want something
make them NEED! create and frustrate the character's needs reveal storyline through characterization
and narration.
I enjoyed the advice and think many readers will benefit from it as well. Thanks for the time and effort you spent looking up sources on the internet to bring us such a great article. My Rating:
It is well worth a look. You hook the reader right away with the phone call, and keep them on the edge of their seat throughout the story. LOVE the ending !!!!
(not tellin' though! gotta go read it yourself)
you use dialogue to move the story along has great pace. amazing tension!!! you have just enough setting and info
about the characters to keep story moving.
As it seemed to take away from the poem itself. A poem should be able to stand alone, without a note explaining it, or telling more facts about it.
Also, you chose not to use grammar or punctuation in the letter portion, which made it a bit difficult to understand the run-on sentences.
The loss you feel comes through loud and clear in the poem. Perhaps you could take some of what you wrote in the letter portion and turn it into additional stanza's for the poem.
With some adjustments your poem could be vastly improved, and I would gladly re-review it for you.
I think you meant well with this poem, and had a good topic in mind...
However,I found this poem
Am I Good? (E) It's hard to do what's right when you won't face where you're wrong. #499942 by Ron Henry
a bit long for my liking. It seemed forced at times. The rhyme worked, but seemed a bit off. (almost child-like)
I think it is like the child at the desert table...
you want to say it all, and you end up saying more than you really need to say, and the reader forgets the point.
Peace.
I hope to read other writings of yours soon.
~flower~
I noticed you are quite new to writing.com. I hope you are finding your way around this great site. There are a lot of people here who will gladly help if you have any questions.
I was drawn to your children's story, "Change"
Change (E) Very short story. Child's description. #1003916 by Kitti Allyn
though I think the title is all wrong for the story.
Generally, I liked your story. I did notice some things that might need some attention. First person stories can be great, but you stumble a bit with your POV. In your first sentence you use the word "and" too many times in close proximity. In general you overuse the word "and"
While I understand you wanted to have a children's conversational feel to this story (you did a decent job of this) I can see room for improvement.
Isn't that what writing is all about? re-writing?
I wish you continued sucess on writing.com
Peace.
~flower~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I've just finished your amusing version for the Toothbrush prompt entry for
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #986684 by Not Available.
When I saw the prompt, about stealing toothbrushes, I knew it would be a difficult one to write about.
Yet you attacked it with gusto!
What I liked: The unusual character names! So cool! The detective format. Leaving the reader wondering!
(although, I think I know... but I'm not tellin')
What could be improved: Leave space after paragraphs for ease in
reading on computer screen!
Other than that, I found the story quite fun, and entertaining.
Great job! Good luck in the contest.
Peace.
~flower~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Actually, for as long as I can remember, I have never liked having friends send me email forwards. As soon as I see the "FW" anywhere in the subject line or in the email, I just hit delete. It doesn't matter if it comes from my best friend or my father.
I've told them all, I just will not open them. The possibility of viruses alone has made me quite willing to delete this type of emails.
I hope many people will read your article and open their eyes to the growing trend of people stealing words from others and emailing them around the world as their own.
Thanks for always being on top of the latest big story.
Peace.
~flower~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/olelady/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.29 seconds at 7:41am on May 03, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
a setting
Way cool! Me too! 
My Overall Impression: 
Things needing more attention:
My rating: 
My Thoughts 
My Rating:
