The ideas in this poem were good, but not consistent. First the theme is remembrance of the past, then pain, the back to the meories again. I suggest keeping to one topic and gradually transitioning to the next, not so suddenly.
The rhythm seemed a little off, but maybe that was intended.
Also, I would like to say that some of the phrases really popped out at me, such as "bloody rosy red" and "you're never here when it's on".
Overall good work. I look forward to reading more of your work!
This piece makes the reader think, and it's good too. excellent vocabulary. :) You may want to check the punctuation, though, there's a few mistakes.
One suggestion: Time is looking at the stars, and getting lost in the heavens. -You could replace "getting" with "becoming", it just sounds better.
Keep writing!
lol, great poem. I like the ending, and sometimes feel the same way. You might want to check the punctuation, but that's about the only suggestion i have. Keep writing!
This is a good piece of writing. The characters seem real, as well as the dialogue, and the reader can create a picture of what's going on in their mind. I think you could expand on the descriptions a bit more, though, and perhaps introduce the reader more to Jamie, just little things about her personality. Does she hold the door open for others before going through it herself? Does she bite her nails? Things like that make a big difference in the story. Overall a good piece, though. On to the next review!
Great story! I was laughing pretty much the whole time. I couldn't find any problems at all. This is the kind of story that I'd recommend to a friend - which is what I'll go ahead and do right now... Keep writing!
I have to admit that I don't know much about picture books, but I will review this piece as best as I can.
Overall this looks to be a good piece. I have just two suggestions.
Suggestions:
The morning sky looks pink and light blue.-Change "looks" to "is". It just sounds better.
The bright blue sky is now filled with color!-You might want to rephrase this. It just confuses the reader.
Keep writing! You've got a good style that keeps the reader interested.
Wow. This is one of the best stories I've read all week. I love the way the narrator livens up the story, and how you compare the story to a horror movie. The ending's a little weird though - maybe you could mention the lightbulb at the end, just to make the piece feel "finished". Overall a good piece - keep writing!
This is another good piece, though it's hard to get "into" because the reader doesn't know when to pause. Try adding puctuation - it'll make it both an easier and better read.
This poem is full of emotion, though at times it's hard to follow what the narrator is saying. And I think "griped" is spelled "gripped". This piece has potential. Keep writing, I would love to read more of your work!
I like this story. It's got a good plot, and the details are great!
Suggestions:
There I sat in my wrinkled dress, tangled red hair, and dirty face, and watched my
family from a distance.-I like the picture this puts in my mind when I read it, it
just makes me think of some of my favorite stories. You could phrase it different,
though. Maybe: "There I sat in my wrinkled dress, my red hair tangled and my face dirty,
watching my family from a distance."
He told me this as we were eating our simple breakfast this morning.-This story
seems to be in past tense, but this sentence is in present tense. Is that intentional?
I look up from my self-pity-You slipped into present tense here, too. It should
be "looked", I think.
Mr. Keller walked outside and then moments latter came back in.-Maybe the "latter" should be "later".
I like your idea to base this off of a song, it makes people want to read it more. Overall a good piece, one that provokes thought. I think you coverd the emotion pretty well.
I found one part that didn't really seem to fit:
deny everything we know-This part just seems a little wrong. Maybe you could replace it with something like : "deny all that we know", jsut something shorter.
Keep writing! I would like to read more of your work! Tell me if you want anything else reviewed.
I like the way you spell 'cuz' at the end, it seems to fit the "character" of the poem. The reader doesn't really get into the character, though, because he's only describing the facts. Try to make things more from his view - add some more emotion. For example, you could expand upon the phrase "I'm just a big mistake".
Anyways, you've got a good poem here. I look forward to reading more of your writing!
Great poem! There's only one suggestion that I can make:
Nothing looks clear, anymore.-try "Nothing looks clear anymore." I don't think you need a comma before 'anymore'. And the same for the end of the next stanza too.
Overall this is a great poem. The beginning definitely catches the reader's eye, and the end is original. What can I say other than keep writing!
Wow. this really draws the reader in, and it's a great read! The 'only in my mind' thing may confuse some people - maybe they'll think the narrator is blind or something - but I liked it. Keep writing!
Great descriptions. You have a unique style that makes the piece an interesting read - it draws the reader in. Good work.
I have a few suggestions: The guilt of my actions tears at my soul, I can feel my molecular seams tearing, ripping me apart.-Try replacing the first comma with a semicolon. Also, the wod "tear" is used repeatedly, try using a different word the second time.
My memories haunt my every action my guilt consumes my soul. -Maybe you could split this into two sentences, putting the period after 'action'.
...three years I have had wander with the memory my family’s murderer.-Put "of" after 'memory'.
I befriend this isolation, I needed to be left alone with my memories.-Seperate into two different sentences.
On the far side is a wardrobe. A piece of art like none I have ever seen.-Maybe combine into one sentence.
There are carving s on the sides of the wardrobe depicting a mother and son.-Try "There are carvings on the sides of the wardrobe depicting a mother and son."
Overall a great piece. Is this the start of a longer story? It certainly seems that way - the ending is rather abrupt.
Anyways, keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Great poems. The intro was a little off, though. It said you "needed to copyright them." Anything is copyrighted as soon as you write it down or record it on tape. So it would count as copyrighted even if you didn't put it on this site. :)
If you're confused about the whole copyright thing, there's a website that explains it all. I think it's at http://www.copyright.gov/
I enjoyed reading your poetry! Hope the songs turn out well!
Wow. This poem is pure emotion, and the reader can connect with it. You've done a great job. i've got no suggestions, except maybe you could add a question mark to the end? Though it doesn't really matter, the poem is already spectacular.
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my only suggestion: