Interesting read. I wasn't sure if I liked the twist when I realized just who/what the narrator was, but now I really do like it. My favorite part is how you draw this dark heavy curtain of a mood over the reader, then lift it naturally when the girl gives him the scarf. Wonderful job.
I absolutely enjoyed this imaginative poem! I got very involved and saw the story unfold before my eyes very clearly.
One suggestion: In the line "It whispers dark words that are more than a moan," you might consider changing the words to something like "It whispers dark words, hardly more than a moan," to clarify just what you mean.
A fun, engaging story. The end seems abrupt. And in the paragraph introducing the grandmother, you might consider replacing "She" (in the 2nd sentence) with "My grandmother", just to clarify who you're talking about to the reader.
Possible Improvements:A little repetitive by the time I get to the last stanza though. And one typo: "'cause when they catch mine eye I must stare at them, too; " MINE should probably be MY.
However, the first 7 paragraphs confused me quite a bit. You might consider focusing the paragraphs on what you really want the reader to understand.
You might also consider not stating general things directly, such as "The cat seemed to be having a worse life than herself." If you built an image for the reader of how the cat was miserable, the fact of how miserable the cat was would come across more strongly.
The atmosphere you built clicked with me. I enjoyed reading your work! Keep writing!
This is a truly touching poem. You did a terrific job! My only suggestion is that you change the word "cheerily"(3rd stanza) to something else that fits a little better. The word seems to stick out; it sounds harsh compared to the rest. Overall, a great poem.
I really like the style of the writing. Terrific lead-in. Parts of the story, having to do with the recording and Bailey's fate can be a little confusing. Overall, a great read! Thanks.
I like the general idea behind this poem. Parts of the piece do not flow well, however. This could perhaps be helped by things like rephrasing so that the sentences are longer, and less choppy. Also, I think it might be a good idea to replace "effortlessly" with "with ease", and "hopes"(line 6) with another word like "desires" or "deeds". Overall this is a piece with potential. :D have a great day.
I really like this poem. The only suggestion I have is to look at the rhythm. There are parts that don't seem to flow smoothly like the rest. Other than that it's a very good piece.
I really like the emotion flowing through this poem. It makes it seem to come alive. However, it just seems to end abruptly. I think this could be fixed by mentioning the garden again in the last stanza. Other than that, this is a great piece. Thanks!
This is a great poem, it really made me think back on some of my own experiences. The only thing I would suggest to make it easier to read. There are a few places where the reader is not sure which words to "accent". If you could maybe italicize those particular words, or just rearrange the words so that it was clearer, that would be great.
I really like the way you wrote this. The only suggestion I have is maybe that you could use a different word than "pads" in the last stanza. Other than that, it's really good!
Great story! It really keeps the reader in suspense. Be careful not to confuse the reader towards the beginning, though. Also, check your punctuation. There are a few sentences, mostly towards the beginning, that seem to run on a little too long. Other than that, great job!
Interesting poem. Yes, I can relate to it very well. In this you did very well. However, I don't really like the structure of this piece. It seems a little empty, the way "sea of faces" is repeated at the end of each stanza. Maybe if you just used this phrase at the beginning of the first and the end of the third, it would flow a little better. That's just my opinion, though, others may feel completely different. Overall, good topic and good job!
Wow. This really gives me the feeling that I've been running and running uphill and finally collapsed on the ground. Great job! I love the way you use the rhythm to your advantage.
I really like the word choice of this poem. However, the rhthym is really difficult to find, because the punctuation seems a little off. Check the use of semicolons, periods, commas, in particular. Other than that, great job.
You really got the emotion across well. I like the way you ended it. It really makes the reader remember the poem.
One mistake possibly?-
"You point you finger with no reason" Maybe: "You point, you finger..." or "You point your finger..."
Wow. A lot of emotion in this piece. Which makes it all that more fun (and harder) to review. I'll do my best...
To be honest, I'm not really sure what it represents. That would be my fault though - being sick does that to you. But it's an interesting poem even without all the sybolism.
I did feel frustrated as I read because of the imagery. You did well with that. However, the word choice could have been better. Where the words "bump" and "dropping" and "onto" where used, harsher words such as "ridge" and "throwing themselves" and "into" would make a better impression. The more emotional the words are, the more emotional the reader feels.
This is a great piece. I look forward to reading more of your writing!
There are a few typos in this piece, such as "sind" and "sour". Also, you could work on the punctuation. The way it is now makes it difficult and much less enjoyable to read. If you tried something like "Oh...how I wish I was a bird!" to replace the 4th line, and so on for the other lines, it would add so much more emotion to the piece. I'm not saying you should put an exclamation mark at the end of every sentence, only that you should use a wider variety of punctuation to get across your message.
This piece really does have a lot of potential and originality. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
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