This is a good piece.
I have only two suggestions.
1.)It would be a lot easier to read if you put the punctuation and capitals in.
2.) I don't know what it is about that last line, but it doesn't really fit. Maybe if you changed it to something like "from it's own" or something like that. The word "itself" just doesn't seem to fit.
I hope you find my suggestions helpful. This really was a good piece. Keep writing!
This is interesting - probably one of the more interesting, and better poems I've ever read. You're able to make one emotion seem so real that the reader feels it as well. Great job! I especially like the twist at the end. The only suggestion I have is that maybe you could put the capital letters and punctuation in. It would make it easier to read, and more people would want to read it.
Great poem. I just thought that maybe if you changed the line "1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or even 50", it would sound better. All the "or"'s sort of cut into the rythym(aack! I can't spell!) of the piece.
You have a great style, and it makes reading your writing very enjoyable. The way you mention not being labeled by a number makes the reader "connect" with the poem, which is great. It helps the emotion of the writing flowing. Keep writing!
Wow. That was good.
The only thing you should think about is maybe make it look better and easier to read if you put in the capital letters where they usually go...
Also I think this is a typo: "there was no warnin"
Do you mean to say "warning"?
Overall great poem. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
I'm sorry to say that I don't know much about poetry, but I can say that I enjoyed reading this poem. It gives the reader a view of life many haven't actually experienced themselves. I especially like the repeated phrase "diamond in the rough." It's meaningful and people can sort of 'connect' it with their own experiences. That's always a good thing.
The only thing I can think of to make this better is maybe if you added just one more line to the end, after you change the "rhthym" of the piece and add the "because". Maybe if you said something like:
Because she's a diamond in the rough
And may never learn to shine.
Or something like that. As I said already, I'm not an expert when it comes to poetry, or anywhere close to it.
Thank you for allowing me to read your poetry. I plan to read more of your writing when I find the time.
Good work. This story is all too true.
There is one sentence in particular that I liked: "He doesn’t consider she’s a person."
I like how you used present tense on this. It made it seem more real.
When you're describing her past, try to make it more from her point of view, not so much from an onlooker's.
The first paragraph is a bit choppy. I know this is the effect you were goin for, but I think you went a little too far with it.
Also, if you could find a way to tie the phrase "dreaming sweet dreams" into the first paragraph, it would make the last two lines seem all that much more meaningful.
Overall I enjoy reading your writing! Good luck!
Okay, I don't know much about poetry, but please bear with me as I attempt to review your work.
Overall, nice poem. I loved the end - almost cried. It reminded me of someone I once knew.
At one point it says "All I know is that I want to be with you". Maybe you should rephrase that; it doesn't roll off the tongue as smoothly as the rest.
That's all I could find wrong. I loved reading your work. Keep writing!
Great story. It was fun to read, and good descriptions.
At one point it says "Now I would not have been so nervous this night under normal circumstances..."
Maybe you should get rid of the first word, 'now'. It just confuses the reader, and makes the scene seem more relaxed.
Also, be careful with your punctuation. There are several times when a section that should be several sentences you have written as one. It doesn't happen often, but it would make the story sound better.
At times it can be difficult to understand if it's in the past or the present that the narrator's talking about. If you could clear that up a bit, it would probably be a better read.
One last thing, and this is being really picky. (Sorry if it sound like i'm criticizing your work, because I'm not. This is a great story already, I'm just giving you suggestions.)
"...the receptionist asks seemingly stupid questions and wants all the I’s dotted before we get admitted..." It may sound better if you change the "I's" to "i's".
I write lyrics myself(though mine are no where as good), but I'm usually working on mostly the music, or 'melody' or whatever it's called.
This sounds good. There's a slight difference between the rhythm of the first and second verses, was that intentional?
Over all, great work. Keep writing!
Remember not to use the semicolon too much! Semicolons are to be used rarely, and only to join two complete sentences.
For example:
"With a sigh Seth plucked the saw out of a half-cut log, and trudged through the sand dunes that dotted Clayton’s property; all the way back to the house." I suggest that you find another way to state this. The semicolon isn't needed in this sentence.
I enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading the next chapter!
I'll admit that I don't know much about poetry, but I'm learning. Please bear with me as I attempt to review your work. :)
I liked it a lot. The first line made me think of the story of Jacob's ladder.
I think you should refer to the mountains or clouds again in the last line.
Anyways, it was fun to read and hard to find much wrong with. At least, for me. Good writing!
I enjoyed reading this. Though I was a bit confused at first, it was a great plot.
In the first paragraph, it says "...sending adrenaline rushing through me..." I think you should reword that, just because it makes the reader have to go back and reread it for it to make sense.
That's about all I found. Keep writing!
I loved the story. And the last part.
Um...is there any way you could change the all caps words, so that they're italics or bold. I think you need html to do that, but you can find that code on the internet. Because when the characters TALK LIKE THIS, it makes you think they're screaming.
I really enjoyed reading this, and thought it was very original.
I liked the story, and Milton's character developed. There was a sentence towards the beginning, that I thought was a run on-"That was the way he was born, and his mother, tears slipping down her cheeks where they hung like exotic jewelry, raised him with all the love she could muster; never telling him that everything was going to be all right but just holding him because sometimes only a hug works best." Maybe if you could split the last part up, it would sound better.
It was a fun story to read. You did a good job.
I really liked the beginning. I almost cried. I'm not sure about the last sentence, though- "i hope I always as lucky"? I don't know if I just read that wrong, or what.
Overall, it was great.
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