An amusing story. It flows well with good descriptions of the surroundings. It made a change to read a story where a man comes to the rescue and they don't end up in a relationship!. I did notice a couple of typos that I have noted below.
flip flips- flops
dove in right after it - right in
Keep writing
Pammi
Quite a good poem. Your perspectives on colour are interesting. I am curious to know however, who are Mr & Mrs Graves? Is there a way you could perhaps add a couple of lines to this, or perhaps add a comment to the introduction? I just feel that this would make the poem clearer to understand.
Please don't take offence by my comments, they are meant purely as a friendly gesture, and you can choose to ignore them, or use them as you wish. This is your work, and what you feel is what's most important.
Write on
Pammi
Hi, my name's Pammi and I would just like to say that what I write here is just my opinion. You can use it or ignore it as you wish, all that matters is what you think.
I liked;The way the boys parents did everything in their power to make his life seem as normal as possible.
Spelling & Punctuation;I coudn't see any problems.
Suggestions;You could maybe add a little more about who the man was, or what happened to make the boy see colours again.
Overall impressionAn unusual story showing the dedication of loving parents, and the lengths they will go to for their child. An enjoyable read. Well done.
Please don't let what I have said deter you from writing. I am only trying to help you.
Keep on writing
This is a very emotional poem. I think my favourite line is 'nature scarring me' The way you have written it made me feel the lonliness, and I liked the picture you drew of the various people having someone tobe with.
Well done and keep writing.
Pammi
Hi Joel, Firstly can I welcome you to WDC, and say that the comments I give you are in no way meant to cause upset. They are merely to help you with your writing. You can choose to use them or ignore them as you wish. The most important thing to remember is that this is your work, and only you can decide how you want it to be.
This could be a good story, however I would like to point out a few things to you. When you're writing you only use a capital letter, at the beginning of sentences, or when using a name etc. You could make this a lot longer if you wanted to by telling the story in more detail. I realise that it is about you, and I also know that it can be upsetting to write about true life. I have written true stories too. Always check through your writing before posting it, and check spellings and punctuation.
I wish you the very best of luck with your life, and your writing.
Write on
Pammi
What a great little story. I love the twist at the end too. I thought that it was going to be something completely different to this. It was well written, the dialogue was good, and you have managed to describe the scene in such a few words, but I was still able to picture the whole thing. Well done, and congratulations on your contest win it's well deserved.
Pammi
Hi Kodachrome, I'm not very familiar with the rights and wrongs of poetry that doesn't rhyme, but I always try and give an honest opinion. I liked what you have written here. I think it flows very well. Your spelling and grammar are very good. I can see why you never included the last verse, and I also know where you're coming from with it, as I too have had a load of criticism rather than critique in the past.
Welcome to WDC and keep writing
Pammi
Hi, my name's Pammi and I would just like to say that what I write here is just my opinion. You can use it or ignore it as you wish, all that matters is what you think.
I liked; The overall idea of this poem.
Spelling & Punctuation; The letters in brackets are the one's that need changing. There are a few I'm afraid.
Start poem with Capital letter,
stif(el)d ,marb(e)led - change 'el' to 'le' and remove 'e'
When writing the word 'I' it is always a capital
aest(h)etic anest(h)etic - add 'h'
assu(n)der. - add 'n'
Sala(i)cious - remove 'i'
as (a) the - remove 'a'
surrou(n)ded - add 'n'
to(o) hurt - remove 'o'
rev(el)ler - add 'el'
p(er)cariously - should be 're'
w(o)nder - change 'o' to'a'
Suggestions; You do have to check through this and add some punctuation. It will make the flow much better. I also think you could perhaps split the lines more.
Overall impression This could be a very good poem. With some editing. Your use of words is very good.
Please don't let what I have suggested put you off. My intention is purely to help.
Keep on writing
Hi, my name's Pammi and I would just like to say that what I write here is just my opinion. You can use it or ignore it as you wish, all that matters is what you think.
I liked; All of it.
Spelling & Punctuation; I didn't see any problems here
Suggestions; No suggestions are needed
Overall impression It was funny, cleverly written, and fitted the prompt of the contest very well.
Congratulations on contest win. Keep on writing
Firstly, Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here.
I found this to be an emotional piece. I could feel the pain you were feeling, and I was angry at the person who inflicted the pain. You do have some editing to do, and I have listed them below;
Paragraph 1- w(h)ere, and yet, the word 'were' has an 'h' in it all the way through this paragraph
i couldn't see sight of who i was. - Always a capital 'I' when writing it on it's own.
you(r) family
one to(o) many
maybe i)')ll get
shin(n)ing out - remove this 'n'
th(is) coward - the
prince(s) charming - remove 's'
have (you) gone - I
explain(s) it all- remove 's'
Paragraph 2 -protected (you) - me
Paragraph 3 - so big(,)
He indirectrly let me knew - He let me know in an indirect way
hid(d)ing from what was forbi(d)den - remove 'd' and add 'd'
Lov(e)ing - remove 'e'
Please don't take these comments the wrong way. They are meant purely in a constructive way.
Keep writing
Pammi
Hi and welcome to WDC. I thought your story was quite good. I would like to point out a couple of things to you though. I think that you could have gone into a little more detail about your characters, and also who Stephanie Rice was. I found the first paragraph a little confusing. When you said Alice was waiting for 3 o clock, and then at 2 o clock she run off. If 3 o clock was when their 'date' was finished, or school was over, it may be better to state this in the story. It also seemed a little bit 'jumpy' in places. I didn't come across any spelling errors.
Please don't take my comments wrong, they are merely my opinion and use do with them as you wish.
Keep writing
Pammi
This is not a bad little poem, although I feel that it could have been a little longer. Also, I found it confusing that you saying 'hello' then 'goodbye' then hello again.
Keep writing
Pammi
This is quite a food poem, I must admit to you though that I don't know much about this type of verse. The spelling is good but you haven't put any punctuation marks in it. If that's what it's meant to be written like, then I apologise, but if not, it might help the flow of it if you add some. Welcome to WDC.
Write on
Pammi
What a great story. I can picture nosey Marsha very well, as my neighbour is the same. It is interesting, concise, and if you wanted to you could possibly make it longer, by telling more of Marsha's life, and more about the 'goings on' at the house over the road. Who were the Johnson family etc.? This is just a thought, it is still a good story as it is.
Congratulations on Contest win.
Pammi
A good story, I like the originality. When I first started reading I thought it was another superhero story! I thought the ending was slightly humerous too, especially the last line.
Congratulations on your contest win.
Pammi
This is a great story. It's gripping and suspenseful. The main character came across as an evil psycho. The doctor seemed like he was very narrow minded, and not prepared to accept any other explanation for her behaviour. I could picture this event happening. The ending was gruesome but thrilling (if that makes sense).
Congratulations on contest win
Pammi
Hi Hyperiongate,
I think that this is a good story, I feel that you could elaborate on this if you wanted, maybe by writing about the choice Janet made, and what happened once she went through the door. Congratulations on your honorable mention in the contest.
Pammi
I love the images on this group's pages. The old lady with wings is really cute, and the elderly couple dancing raised a smile. Looking forward to talking to members in the forum.
Pammi
This is a good description of what Spring means to you. I think you have captured the essence of 'spring madness' quite well.
Welcome to WDC and write on
Pammi
Quite a good poem. I can feel your emotion as you wrote it. I'd like to point out a couple of things though;
Every time you write 'i' it should always be a capital 'I'
sentences and lines in poetry always start with a cappital letter.
You need to read through it and check your punctuation, as this can detract the reader from continuing on with it.
Please don't be disheartened. I am not criticising you, I'm just trying to help you make your work better.
Welcome to WDC and keep writing.
Pammi
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