Note: I write reviews to help pieces be polished up! They're not meant to bash in any way.
I love watching movies, listening to classic country music and some folk,(?) reading,(?) and cooking. -- "I love watching movies, listening to classic country and some folk music,(?) reading,(?) and cooking. -- You should move the word "music", because what you imply by your original statement is that you like to listen to classic country music and people.
I love the TV shows,(?)Supernatural,(?) Big Love,(?) and True Blood(1) as well as many others. -- No comma needed after "shows". You forgot the one after "Blood". Also, using and in a list for the last item without ending the sentence with it is clumsy. "...Big Love, True Blood, and many others as well" would flow more naturally.
I also created characters in my novel based on them too. -- The usage of "also" and "too" in the same sentence is redundant. You should remove one or the other.
I'm also very active in my church,(4a) however (4a), they may want to throw me out the door if they ever read my novel. -- This is a bit of a tough one. Since this piece is written like a monologue, I'd end the sentence with "church". The way the sentence is currently written, it is unclear what "however" is hooked to.
I'm also very active in my church, however.
However, they may want to throw me out the door if they ever read my novel.
Both seem equally likely.
Good luck with the commas, they can be pretty tricky.
I wish I understood what this poem was about. At first I thought it might be about training for some sport, but when I got to the end I wasn't sure. Take one on the chin? The meaning is moving in one ear or out the other, or in the case the eyes, I suppose. Care to explain? This seems like a solid poem, I just don't get it.
The only thing that made me cringe was the rhyming of wishin' with chin.
This is just great. I didn't see the ending coming, and it was an interesting twist. How did you come up with the idea?
I think the thing I like the most is that the poem switches points of view after every verse. I love this when it happens in books, but this is the first time that I've seen it in a poem.
Well, I really hope that you're still updating this piece, because it seems like it could be pretty interesting and editing only adds polish. What happened to kid who you used to write stories with?
Also, how did the story do in the contest that was in May?
Excellent haiku
I need to be careful though
Else I'll respond the same way
Joking aside, I counted the syllables and noticed my first statement had five and couldn't resist. The haiku really is good. The language used in the last line, the most important line, is elegant.
“...this level of the village also held the beginng of a heavy stream...“ – You typo'ed “beginning” there.
“A large shadow was rising up from the depths of the lake and when it broke through, it sent droplets of water toward Ivy and Layle both of whom looking at the creature in horror at first, then in astonishment as the spectacular creature came into view, a low and gentle growl coming from its throat. “ – There are a couple of mistakes in this sentence. You should have a comma after Layle and a comma after “then in astonishment”.
“A long serpent, like creature was floating into the sky at least fifty feet in length...” --Although it is easy to tell what you meant here, “at least fifty feet in length” isn't properly connected to the creature and could also be modifying the sky. Also, there is a comma after serpent where there should only be a space.
“...even though it was a clear solid animal.” –You should have a comma after clear, otherwise clear modifies solid instead of animal.
“Four large, muscular legs that held claws as large as a human torso, a mane traveled down its neck and back, licking the air like flames.” --The comma after torso should be removed and replaced with “and”, otherwise it is the creatures legs that lick the air like flames.
“He smile down at her and leaned over to lock their lips together.” --just need to change smile to the past tense, here.
“Above them at least one hundred feet, standing next to an enterance to the Mount Killimore Coves were three men.” – Change the first part to “At least one hundred feet above them” to keep the same meaning you intended while making the statement grammatically correct. Also, you need a comma after coves.
Besides the errors, this novel caught my attention in the prologue. The descriptions were nice and gave enough details to imagine the area. The dragon was a little bit of a surprise in that it wasn't the important part of the prologue, overshadowed by the actions of the three men. I'm going to favorite this and get through it some time, for sure.
I can't help but feel that you've worked a little on this piece, but its hard to over look some of the choices you've made with it. Please, please use full words. The "cuz" and "u"s really detract from this more than anything else, even more than the capitalization issues.
Interesting piece that you have here. I think some editing could really spice this piece up, though. I didn't notice much during the first half, but the second half seemed a bit sloppy. There are typos abounding. Several times you use "cute" instead of "cut". You miss some punctuation as well near the end that could make the piece seem much more professional. The biggest oddity, in my eyes, is the indenting. You start out doing it, then it stops.
I certainly didn't see that ending coming, and was surprised and delighted by it. In such a short amount of time you successfully delivered quite a package, a full story in its own without leaving much of anything for want. I thoroughly enjoyed that the tension started high without the need for any build up, and by the end, everything settled down.
While I wasn't reading with an incredibly critical eye, I did notice a couple of minor mistakes and one thing that I did not like.
Paragraph 1 - "When he came home that night, his buttoned grey jacket a size too big and tall showing only a bit of the top of his snow-white shirt and his dark navy pants would suggest- when added to the serious look on his face and business-like demeanor- that he had just been to work." : This sentence just feels too long. I'd recommend breaking it up somehow, because by the time I reached the end, I had forgotten what the sentence was supposed to be about and had to re-read a several times in order to understand that his clothing suggested that he had just been to work. This one is my personal gripe.
Paragraph 4 - "To his was a wall..." : You forgot to mention which direction the wall was in. I assume the left.
Paragraph 7 - "And I will admit, that his one mistake.." : I am making an educated guess here, but I assume "his" should be "this" because there was no "he" otherwise mentioned.
At first, I really enjoyed this piece! However, the lines 5-7 broke the structure of this piece with a couple of hard to understand and difficult to read sentences. Then, the remaining portions of this poem felt like a rap. It felt like it had background music, which didn't match the beginning at all. If this was the intent, by all means keep it like that! It just feels like three different types of writing merged into one short piece.
This is an excellent piece and put quite a few things into the light for me. I, for one, took a little something away from the repetition section.
I did notice two typos, but I wasn't reviewing for an edit, so there may be others. Since you're obviously wanting to improve on it, I'll lay the ones out for you that I noticed.
Paragraph 3, last sentence... " when reviewing...' is not begun with a capital letter.
Paragraph 4, third to last sentence... "...adverbs as any word ending in -ly; here are adverbs..." I do believe that should be "there are adverbs" as there are no adverbs listed that fail to end in -ly.
I'm not sure why, but I never thought about the process someone editing has to go through for you. I'll keep it in mind should I request the scrutiny my work will one day require. Make my own edits first; make someone's work easier.
Just the name of the title made me feel as if I was reading a humorous story the entire time, and was sent through a loop around every turn when, to my surprise, the humor was not there. It was a treat. I felt the tension build as the story went on, though there was a weird sensation when the feeling lapsed at the "party" scene. It built up until then and kind of floundered out for a second before picking back up.
As the story continued, the tension raised. It never broke a very high point, but it continued to raise more and more during the entire "Fun House" scene until the final moment of escape. I did feel a little disappointed by the ending, though. With all that tension building up, it never gave a snapping point where you have to let out that breath of air.
I felt that, for such a short story, you get a great amount of insight about the characters. It's nice when such a short story manages to give characters a history that still feels rich and manages to develop character personalities.
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