Dom
I look forward to seeing the new you.
It's nice to have you back.
I like this poem although it I think it is a little short and you could probably write a couple more stanza's to go with it.
Only saw one thing that needs your attention
whizaing should be whizzing.
I actually was a bit disappointed in this survey. You left out several options such as:
-I have a/multiple family member(s) diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.
I could think of a dozen others such as my life has been effected by someone with bi-polar (this could be stated various ways to demonstrate to what degree your life has been effected)
Are you looking for a general public perspective and acceptance of bipolar disorder or are you looking for information about personal experience?
Also the way you worded the intro it sounds like you have already written the article and formed an theory and now you are trying to manipulate the survey to support your statement.
My son suffers from BiPolar Disorder, when he was finally diagnosed it was an immediate relief. It was distroying the family and his future was looking rather bleek. His future is still much in question and the entire family is effected by his condition even today with treatment. But now that he has a treatment regiment we can at least function like a family and support him and each other through his "bad days".
This was well written in the fact that it made me go visit the website. I think this is a tremendous opportunity for authors and am so glad you chose to place an "advertisement" on writing.com.
The fifty movies from short stories that you posted on your website are awsome I knew a few of them had begun as short stories but, there actually were a few that I was surprised to find on the list.
Thanks for sharing this and good luck in this endeavor. I think it is a wonderful idea.
This was great. I truly enjoyed following the threads. I’m such a serious person I can’t have fun like that, but, I do enjoy sitting back and watching. Money and transportation do seem to be the biggest reasons for not attending; they were part of my reasoning for not going too (I ended up using my convention money to fix my father-in-laws car – that I hit), I also have a sick child: the timing turned out to be bad for him anyway. However, I am having a ball raiding ports. But, for 2006…
By the way you obviously proofread your work well as I found no errors or room for improvement in this forum. If I were to make any suggestions and this is only a suggestion perhaps you would consider including a link to pirates for those not attending. This is only a thought. I hope you do this again next year.
Wow! A straight shooter! I like statements that are clear and straightforward. Based on the statements you make, those reviewed should have no doubts about where they stand. They also should be able to perfect their writing. You sound like the type of person every writer should have in their lives. When it comes to work all personal aspects are put aside.
You have made your reviewing technique very clear. There were times you almost sounded cold and unattached. But you redeem yourself with # 4, and 5. This item is a breath of fresh air with its simple honesty. If my work were perfect I would be published and wouldn’t need the input of others to get it there. I post here so that I may perfect my craft. I review in order to enhance my craft. I welcome feedback to improve my work.
While some may not appreciate your approach I find no room for improvement and find your honesty refreshing. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I hope you are enjoying the convention.
Ok I can understand your percpective on anonymous reviews. Especially since the motivation behind the negative reviews is very questionable. I also can understand, somewhat, why someone would want their reviews to be anonymous.
I have not done any anonymous reviews and at this point don't expect to any time soon. But, I can actually comprehind some reasons I may want to.
I'm not a poet and can't say much in regards to the proper formatting of this. But...
I liked the rhythm and flow of this. I think you raise a good question -- my answer is:
No of course not -- nothing has changed except perhaps the perception that we give the world.
Thanks for sharing this Susan - I'm glad I took the time it read this.
This was absolutely cute - we were able to visualize three very out of shape men running a race. Without giving anyone a name the reader is still able to distinguish each contestant. Any observer of this race would have had a difficult time not laughing hysterically.
Suggestion for Improvement
only one-
the fourth from last paragraph is a bit ackward -
The jerk referee was there, laughing at them, laughing so hard his face was completely red. Gasping, he went for the last twenty.
Technically you have the "jerk referee running for the last twenty rather than The Chin.
However, since this was a writng prompt for "the best done the fastest. I think you did an awesome job.
I do wonder about the sanity of eating the powder donuts from The Chin's pocket along with pocket lint - eww!!
This was beautiful -
I don't have to know poetry to know what I like.
This I like.
I love the sisterhood that you built between the snowflakes and the falling clouds of pink petals was a nice touch. You drew a nice full circle with the leaves. Nicely done.
I'm so glad I took the time to read this story. What a nightmare. If it makes you feel any more normal I have a similar nightmare with the car, only I have hit a child in mine. I always wake-up before I know if I’ve actually made contact or not.
I only have a couple of suggestions on this one; actually it may only be one.
Review the rules on ellipses
Ellipses should only be three periods
Also they are used for:
To indicate that some words have been left out of a quotation
To indicate that something unwritten came before or after
Sentences breaking off - to entice you to continue reading
To indicate slow-downs in thought or conversation
Or to indicate a long, slow break
A fast, crisp break is indicated with hyphens
Check out your second and third paragraph and consider revising – well, not revising exactly - tweaking is probably a more suitable word.
Otherwise –
This has some nice visual to it and I could feel your anxiety (remember you can use hyphens to show faltering speech/thoughts and build anxiety even more).
I’m glad I took the time to read this one too.
Thank you for sharing
I'm so glad I took the time to read this story. Every woman that has ever been pregnant can relate to the boredom and redundancy of every day life as their protective cradle goes ever larger.
I have a couple of suggestions for improvement and much of this is my opinion so toss out what you don't agree with
Paragraph 1
morning sickness was bad but this was even worse
-I believe you need a comma after bad
I though would recommend dropping the word but and replacing it with a hyphen.
Paragraph 2
But I was bored! Bored senseless, I just sat around reading and cooking and getting FAT.
- I would recommend changing this sentence -
I was bored; bored senseless! I just sat around all day – reading – cooking – and getting FAT!
Paragraph 3-11
-You need a comma after night and in the last sentence
Before I realized what I was saying, I said, “I want to go with you!”
-Consider changing to
Before I realized what I was saying, “I want to go with you,” had enthusiastically escaped my mouth.
-Consider
He looked at me incredulously.
-Consider
I patted his knee as if I had done this a hundred times.
Paragraph 13-14
-consider
sucked the belly in; finally succeeding in getting the suit zipped up
We head off in the truck
-add ed to head
Paragraph 17
He takes the gun from me and starts off
-When did you get the gun? Or did you mean the flashlight?
- you need a comma after Finally
Paragraph 19
You need a comma after long
Paragraph 20
Ellipses should only be three periods
Also they are used for:
To indicate that something unwritten came before or after
Sentences breaking off - to entice you to continue reading
To indicate slow-downs in thought or conversation
Or to indicate a long, slow break
A fast, crisp break is indicated with hyphens
Considering these general rules you may want to reconsider several ways to write this paragraph
Paragraph 22
You need a comma after finally and
he snatched to gun from me to save it from damage
_ I think you meant
he snatched the gun
One more suggestion would be to go back and add a line space between each paragraph.
****I loved the descriptions you used throughout this short. The visualization was well-crafted and you kept my attention throughout. I was cheering you on. Everyone knows how important it is to prove ourselves just once especially to someone who loves us but is almost condescending in their perception of our ability in a particular area. Good for you. The tone throughout this piece was consistent and it was a pleasant read that I’m glad I took the time to read.****
Thank you for putting these together. You actually hit quite a few of them. I especially like the way thank you for your support is put together the multiple cables required to give the stabelist of supports. But, my ultimate favorite is the "MY FOOT"
I seem to always be putting my foot in my mouth.
This is a nice image and specially unique. There are usually two standard poses for Swans and this is a nice unique pose I sespecially like the peacock feathers in the young girls skirts, and the innocence in her pose.
First I'm sorry for Mindy's family and my heart goes out to the family.
This was poignently written, hopefully at least one parent will heed the warning. We've always had very strict rules on auto safety in my home. Now, my teenagers have taken over the the safety patrol; reminding my to fasten my seatbelt before I even finish getting settled into my position. Watching the speedometer and the traffic etc.
My son is 17 and we haven't allowed him to get his license yet because we are in a very high traffic area, with a high rate of high speed accidents. At least weekly; Last year there were six accidents that consisted of fatalities, without safety belts there would have been more.
There are a few opportunities for improvement in this I would like to point out.
the world behind of power of that killer monster, {/b}
try this: the world behind the power of that killer monster,
hospital, she had had hours to live!
try this: hospital, she had only hours to live!
truck into park unless you and
try this:c:blue} truck into gear unless you and
family though some of the financial burden
try this: family through
some of the financial burden
out to them in this sad time in their lives.
try this: out to them at
this sad time in their lives.
> seatbelt should be one word
> I think you need more paragraph breaks (but this is just my opinion)
. you do need extra spaces between paragraphs, specifically right after your introduction
> you mention statistics it would strengthen this if you were to cite some statiistics
overall this was a good piece thank you for sharing.
First I'm sorry for Mindy's family and my heart goes out to the family.
This was poignently written, hopefully at least one parent will heed the warning. We've always had very strict rules on auto safety in my home. Now, my teenagers have taken over the the safety patrol; reminding my to fasten my seatbelt before I even finish getting settled into my position. Watching the speedometer and the traffic etc.
My son is 17 and we haven't allowed him to get his license yet because we are in a very high traffic area, with a high rate of high speed accidents. At least weekly; Last year there were six accidents that consisted of fatalities, without safety belts there would have been more.
There are a few opportunities for improvement in this I would like to point out.
the world behind of power of that killer monster, {/b}
try this: the world behind the power of that killer monster,
hospital, she had had hours to live!
try this: hospital, she had only hours to live!
truck into park unless you and
try this:c:blue} truck into gear unless you and
family though some of the financial burden
try this: family through
some of the financial burden
out to them in this sad time in their lives.
try this: out to them at
this sad time in their lives.
> seatbelt should be one word
> I think you need more paragraph breaks (but this is just my opinion)
. you do need extra spaces between paragraphs, specifically right after your introduction
> you mention statistics it would strengthen this if you were to cite some statiistics
overall this was a good piece thank you for sharing.
I like your style. You kind of remind me of Raymond Carver, with some of your stories. He wrote of the poorer working class and really gave them life, meaning and understanding.
I like your stories. I, like you, have always thought I would write novels. I have several started and a few finished. I was recently was introduced to short stories and for lack of any other way to express it. I fell in love.
I liked this story.
However, I found one place that confused me just a little
{c:blue]
"I…They say he's looking at up to ten years for involuntary man slaughter. Josh, isn't that great? Isn't that great Josh?" Ash smiled and kissed the man's fingers again.
I pretty much figured by the flashbacks and the internal struggle that Ash had been at the scene. I soon concluded that he felt responsible too. But then we went to court. Okay, I waited for the explanation of how he was responsible. This part here seemed to resolve him of the accident:
{c:blue]
"I…They say he's looking at up to ten years for involuntary man slaughter. Josh, isn't that great? Isn't that great Josh?" Ash smiled and kissed the man's fingers again.
I got lost with this part...
...who is getting up to ten years? and for involuntary manslaughter (any type of manslaughter) someone had to die.
Otherwise I liked this story. Everything else fit well including the title.
I found this very useful. I've been checking my stats for my reviews since I discovered them. I've been able to analyze some of the simpler concepts but was unsure of some aspects. I appreciate you taking the time to write this so that I can more efficiently review my stats and understand if and what steps I wanted to take next.
Thank you for taking the time to put this together. I will find this useful as I continue to eveluate the readers attracted to my work and their opinions.
Thank you.
This is a sensitive topic and takes either strong conviction or a daring heart to write like this in these times. But that is what America is about. Free speech, free religion and so on.
I agree with you that if it's not working we need to reconsider our options. But, how many do we have? Surely, we can't leave 9/11 unatoned. Or how many more will we see? This war has brought atrocities as unimaginable as the Vietnam war. I pray for those families who lost someone on 9/11. I pray for those persons who lost their sense of safety. I pray for the those left behind as a loved one promises to lay down his life. I pray for this country as we are faced with enemies beyond our imagination. I pray for those that must make decisions that will cost lives. Decisions that will never be right. I pray for those who sway and those who do not.
Very well crafted indeed.
You did a great job following Billy Joel. I think you kept the integrety of the piece, which is very difficult to do. You maintained the rhythm and the spirit of song and that is important. It is fun to build on what a previous author wrote. Especially if you attempt to follow the same pattern and tone.
I think you did a fine job on this. I can appreciate you taking on this challenge.
I really liked this.
It has a deeper meaning that requires you to read it more than once just to be sure you got it all.
This is well crafted with a nice tone and good flow. It has some pleasant visualization too. But, I especially like the depth of it.
This will be the second time I tried to post this review
Kenzie
Mr. Rogers was my favorite neighbor too. There were many years he was the only positive influence and dependable structure that I had.
I really appreciate you writing this. This is an awesome piece that is very well written. I found no errors and no room for improvement of any type.
I especially like how you pointed out the structure demonstrated and leaving the briefcase at the door.
Here’s a little trivia.
Did you also know that he:
• earned a bachelors in music composition
• never made it to seminary
• started out working as a coffee boy at NBC
• started the first community sponsored television WQED – the first educational television
• produced the first regular educational program “The Children’s Corner” (ran from 1952-1961)
• was the first to address sensitive topics and issues that were considered taboo
• held private counseling sessions
• testified before the senate three times
• received the “Lifetime Achievement Award” and
o as part of his acceptance speech he had everyone spend time remembering someone who had great influence on their life
• received the “Presidential Medal of Freedom” (the highest government honor bestowed on a civilian)
• originally started his show Mr. Rogers in Canada in 1961 it was called MisteRogers; which aired for the first time in the U.S. in 1968, nationwide, the name was changed to Mister Rogers in 1975.
• wrote the scripts, for all of his episodes, this often included writing the music.
• received 40 honorary degrees.
• spent a lifetime in the media and never once was touched by so much as a hint of scandal
Truly one of the greatest icons of our time.
Thank you for taking the time to write about one of America’s best neighbors.
HAH! This was funny. I suspected the end but not until I was almost there. You have a ragher interesting way of getting a point across. The storyline is always great.
I found no errors in this piece.
This flowed very nicely and seemed so natural. It was very entertaining too.
Nice job Squirrel thanks for sharing this.
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