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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/plasmapal
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5 Public Reviews Given
10 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review of A Friend  
Review by plasmapal
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Bee, the sentiment of your poem is hidden from the reader a little because of minor spelling and punctuation errors. If you could make a couple of changes this could be a really good piece. Now, these are just my opinions, so take them with a grain or seven of salt, but I'd make the following changes by line:
3. I call someone who's as close to me as kin
4. ... has my back
5. ... little cracks
7. cap I
9. succeed
10. cap I
12. And who will ... -or - And who'll ... -or- Who'll ...
13. outrageously
14. ... I can tell ... eveything to.
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2
Review of I Trust Her  
Review by plasmapal
Rated: E | (4.0)
Way to capture a moment, and that series of emotions that we've all experienced, at least those of us who have taken those risks before. May I be so bold as to ask, was it Mardis Gras? Did all of this occur in a single moment, as I initially thought? Lovely in any case, and the last line nails it to the floor.
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Review of Untitled  
Review by plasmapal
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like that, and I think it really connects. You may want to change "tumultus" to "tumultuous", but I assume "lovrboy" is intentional. Very nice. I would have rated it even higher if the contractions and a few other punctuation marks had been included, since they can really affect the way a piece is read. I think you can make this into a powerful work with just a few minor touches.
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Review by plasmapal
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall it's a nice piece; touching but not too emotional, and reflective without being preachy. Is that a correct usage of reflective? Oh well, hopefully you know what I mean.

I think it might be improved slightly by swapping the terms "devastating" and "bone deep" in pp3.

You have a couple of ideas that appear in more than one place, like "going in the woods" and others, and this dilutes the power of them. You might try eliminating the redundant mentions entirely, or by reorganizing your ideas so that the story moves more easily from beginning to end. Either way, it's a good story.
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