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2,046 Public Reviews Given
2,065 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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Review of Eye of the Storm  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is my review for "I Write in 2019" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is rich with imagery. I love how you compare your life to a carnival ride, to a storm travelling through a town. It's really clever. I've read it through a few times now, and each time, I see something I didn't notice before. It feels like you have said a lot in relatively few words.

Voice/Tone: The first part of the poem—the start of the storm—is loud and fast-paced and bright. When I read this verse, I was transported to a fairground with people laughing and shouting and speaking excitedly all around me. That's how life is when you're young. It's also like the start of a storm. In the middle section, you are in the eye of the storm where all is calm. Life settles into a calmer rhythm, with certain moments standing out and striking you as important. Then, in the end, you move on towards the end, indicated by one word: [Stops]. The storm has come full circle.

Mechanics: This is free verse, which you know I love. You always bring great imagery to your writing, and this is no exception. In this instance, the free verse has enabled you to be super creative with the format of the poem.

My Favourite Part: There are many parts of this poem I could highlight. In the first verse, I love the description of the "eddies of people." It's such a clever description. In the second verse, these lines stand out, for me: "jewels that shine with the brilliance / of the tears behind the Carney's eyes." That's actually a haunting image. My favourite part, though, comes in the last verse: " trapped forever in the amber / of my memory." That's fabulous! Moments fossilised in time. They become mere memories, lost in the minds of those experienced lived them. It creates a wonderful image. I can see a piece of amber with pictures frozen inside of memories I have. I love it.

This is a fantastic poem, Ken. I really enjoyed reading it. I love the creativity you have used with this, and the imagery is just wonderful. Really great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Jackie's Birthday  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi J.L. O'Dell

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .

This is the second of your Coconut Snowball reviews.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I loved this story the first time I read it for the "Second Time Around ~ Birthday Special" . Once again, you have really moved me with your writing. When I first saw the title, I expected the focus of the story to be on a happy, people-packed party. Maybe, even a party where a bunch of kids make a lot of mess. But I couldn't have been more wrong, and I'm so happy about that.

Plot: This is a story of friendship and loss and remembering those who are no longer with us. I love the whole premise of the story, with the two best friends born on the same day and year, both blonde, inseparable. Only, cancer did separate them; permanently. So, Jackie's family has moved to a new town so Jackie can start again and make new friends. At the same time, on her sixteenth birthday, Jackie won't forget Taylor. I love the ending, where they release the balloons for Taylor. It's a really symbolic act that helps people who are grieving. When my Dad first died, Mum and I released balloons on his birthday every year. I think that's, in part, why this story appealed to me so much. I could really see this taking place.

There is something I'm not entirely sure about with the plot. You begin by describing Jackie as being popular and you say, "Everyone liked the new girl." But, right after this, you say, "... everyone at her school thought she was also just a little strange." You say she didn't feel like fitting in with anyone. These two aspects of her character contradict each other. Additionally, she doesn't invite anyone to her birthday party, which suggests she has no friends. It's just a little inconsistency.

Characters: I feel for Jackie. To experience bereavement at such a young age, and of someone she is so close to, must be difficult. I love how she knows her own mind, though. She doesn't care whether she is popular or not because she knows there are more important things to life than being popular.

Grammar: "'I know Mom.'" There should be a comma before Mom. Also, "Jackie’s mother thought maybe there was something that they could do together like maybe going to a movie in town." I would take out the second maybe.

What I liked: The balloons when they are released at the end. I love how Jackie thinks they can symbolise the sixteen candles on Taylor's birthday cake.

Suggestions: Just one point ... Where Jackie doesn't want to make a speech. You show her saying, "'No speeches, Dad.'" Then, we see her loving her birthday cake, and then you write about how she doesn't want to give a speech. It seems a little muddled, to me. I would move the part where she loves her cake to after the paragraph where you describe how difficult the birthday is for Jackie and the reasons why she doesn't want to give a speech.

This is a great story. I really enjoyed reading it, and I like how it went in a completely different direction to the one I expected. It's written with warmth, and I really felt for Jackie. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi sindbad

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

This is the second of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I found this really interesting. As a woman who was born in southwestern England and has lived there ever since I know very little about the Hindu religion and values. This piece, though, has given me some really intriguing insights. You have categorised this as a short story, but it is actually based on your personal experience, I think. Which is fascinating.

Plot: These are your thoughts on what it means to be a Hindu and to pray. It is also about who you are and things you have learned about yourself. The first thing that surprised me (in a good way) is how your mother is different from most Hindu women, and she takes care of her family before she goes to pray. Plus, she doesn't always get to pray every day. I love that she puts her family first. I think this actually heightens her spirituality, and I think it makes the time she spends in the temple all the more powerful.

Characters: Your father has clearly made a huge impression on you. He is a farmer first and foremost, and I love how he prays to the earth and becomes at one with nature and the environment. That is who he is, and it's interesting how you would describe yourself as a farmer above all else, even though you aren't necessarily working with him at the moment. A farmer connects with the earth without any of the egotism or selfishness other professions possess.

The relationship between your mother and father is beautiful. They seem devoted to each other. I think it's interesting how, despite his dislike for fasting, your father fasts every Saturday because it is what your mother wants.

Grammar: Just a couple of points ... "But this internal wisdom and emotion are not fully imaginary; Many times ..." It should be a period, not a semicolon here. Also, "I am not sure whether its related with story ..." It should be it's.

What I liked: The beginning is wonderful. Your descriptions of what prayer is like for you are so vivid and so peaceful. It feels like prayer is really calming and gives you a degree of serenity. This line, which is discussing your Saturday evening meal, is my favourite of the whole piece: "Perhaps romance is the best spice that makes the food tasty and life healthy." I also love this part where your mother explains why she goes to the temple to pray after caring for her family: " I pray to God only when I can immerse myself in the devotion without any worry or hurry." That's beautiful.


I'm really glad your Secret Santa gifted you this review package. I haven't read any of your work before, but I found it both moving and interesting. This piece, in particular, was very educational. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .



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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi sindbad

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

This is the first review from your Chocolate Fudge gift from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " . It is a gift from your Secret Santa.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Oh! I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this. You have written so movingly about this wonderful dog who showed you the meaning of true love and happiness but also broke your heart. I know you have categorised this as a short story, but I think it is actually based on your own experience.

Plot: An adopted dog wins the hearts of all she meets. Pepcee sounds like such a beautiful labradog. Such a typical labradog, also. I have one called Alfie, and I could totally relate to this description of Pepcee: "our bundle of joy, delight, exasperation, frustration." Alfie is all of those things every day. And he is always ravenous, also, and loves everybody he meets.

Characters: Pepcee is beautifully written. She comes across as loving and cute and funny, with a helping of mischievous, to boot. You really tugged at my heartstrings as you described the terrible day you lost her and the red eyes the whole family had for her. Losing our dear animals always cracks our hearts a little, and I don't think they're every put completely back together.

Grammar: Only one point ... "The first. to wake-up ..." The period after first is a typo here, I think.

What I liked: I love the heart and emotion with which you wrote this. It's so easy to relate to this story. It feels raw, and I imagine it was painful to write. But, the result is a wonderful piece of writing. I also love how Pepcee was instantly at home in your house, and how she went straight to your daughter's room. This line makes me feel warm and happy: "Awaiting her Didi to return from school to welcome her so effusively." Anyone with a dog knows how that welcome would look.

This is a great account of a wonderful dog, who clearly brought you a lot of happiness. I love how you take this from your time with her: "Life can be nice if we learn to live in the moment and enjoy each moment." What a great lesson to learn!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Sig. for my Chocolate Emporium reviews. Made by Hannah.
Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .


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Review of Syl  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Arakun the Twisted Raccoon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

This is your final Orange Creme review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: For my last review, I wanted to read something a little different. I'm so glad I chose this story. It's a lovely, heartwarming tale of magic and childhood. I loved every part of this story, but mostly I loved how the statue held this magical connection between Sandy and her Grandma. It feels like you either have to be very young, or very old, to believe in magic.

Plot: This is a fantastical tale of a little girl who is looking for someone to play with and finds a magical, talking and walking statue of a cherub. Through the statue, she enters a world of magic where all the flowers in the gardens are alive and colourful. I could see the beautiful gardens so well. You describe them really nicely.

Characters: I really like Sandy. She's a great way to show your readers a little magic. She is just the right age to believe Syl is speaking and moving. Her older sister, Karen, is also brilliantly written. She is a typical older sister; always thinking she knows better and always embarrassed by her younger sibling. Their relationship is nicely written.

What I liked: Sylvester Snorkelbeam! I laughed out loud when I read that. I also laughed when Karen said this: "Old people are always grouchy for some reason. She has Arthur-itis or something that makes her hands and knees hurt." I loved the end, where Sandy looks back at the park to see her grandma dancing with the statue, all aches and pains from "Arthur Whats-his-name" gone. The yellow dress! That's a nice touch. I love this line: "The frilly yellow dress made me look like Big Bird's little sister." Her Sunday church dress. Ahh, I remember what it was like to wear those. As I mentioned in the beginning, my favourite part was how you linked Sandy and her grandma through Sylvester Snorrkelbeam.

This is another great story. It left me feeling warm, and with a smile on my face. The ending image of the old woan dancing with the statue is wonderful. I absolutely love it.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Sig. for my Chocolate Emporium reviews. Made by Hannah.
Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .



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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ~Minja~

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

This is your second Orange Creme review.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is so powerful. I love how the metaphor of the piano playing runs through the whole poem, finishing with the "frenzied heart" in the last stanza. When I read that, I could almost hear the furious banging of the piano keys coming to a head. It is some wonderful imagery.

Voice/Tone: The voice of the narrator, in the first part of the poem, sounds quiet and small. She is trying to be as inconspicuous as possible and to cause as little fuss as possible, but still, she feels, she is too much burden for her lover to bear. That's so sad. I can relate to always having to behave and not cause a fuss or upset people, so this really struck a chord with me. I love how the tone changes in the last two stanzas, with the narrator describing the frenzied love, the passion, the "tunes of love." For a moment, it fills the reader with hope. Until we remember the first part of the poem, and sadness fills us once more.

Mechanics: I love Synchronicity poems. I think they provide the writer a great tool for writing about experiences and emotions. You have used that tool brilliantly. The slow, sombre first part of the poem, followed by the loud and passionate second part, is a great contrast that highlights the narrator's angst so well. You've followed the form really well. This is a great example of a Synchronicity poem.

My Favourite Part: Firstly, the switch in tempo is fantastic. I love that. The following stanza, however, breaks my heart a little:
"and you should applaud my attempts
to show how little it takes to
see me."

That is so powerful. I also love the idea that your fingers can't hear your thoughts. You know the relationship can't work. You know you should accept it and move on. But your fingers keep on playing the tune of longing, the tune of angst. I love your description of the "piano cries low notes." That makes me think of the piano as howling, reflecting the narrator's despair. Also, I have to mention the first line: "The air is musty from the rain." It sets the scene perfectly. The musty scent makes me think of something old and decaying, which this relationship is.

I have no suggestions for improvement, Minja. I think this poem is perfect as it is. It's a great piece of writing, and your imagery is first class. Nice work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi LdyPhoenix

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

This is the second review of your Hazelnut Praline gift.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Once again, I'm impressed with your powerful writing. The descriptions are rich and immersive. In this story, though, it is the emotion that really shines through. Leah has lost so much and been fighting for so long, and all that is left now is for her to surrender and (I assume) face certain death.

Plot: After years of fighting for freedom from X, Leah is the only person left, apart from Zeph, the person in mission control she has contact with. Everyone else — her mother and sister— have been killed. The war is interesting, but it's the little touches where Leah remembers her father throwing her in the air to make her giggle and her spinning her sister on a tire swing, that bring this story alive. They make it real and relatable, which isn't necessarily easy with a dystopian tale like this. But, you do it. You make me relate to Leah and her Dad. That last phone call, where they know they will never see each other again, is really moving. But, Leah has to do what she does. It is inevitable.

Characters: Zeph is Leah's father! I did not see that coming. What a nice touch! Leah is brave and fights for what is right; for freedom. She sacrifices her life when she could have gone back to command and had a meal and a rest. I wonder who Leah's family were before the war because you mention they had a tower. Also, Leah's mother fought to the death and her father is in command, so I think they must have been prominent people. I'm intrigued. I'd love to read more about them.

Grammar/Typos: A couple of points:
" ... she was the only one left of her crew with a ton of contraband that she could not moved ..." ~ Either, "that could not be moved," or, "that she could not move."
"He had been her friendly giant who would toss her in the air just hear her giggle." ~ It should be, "just to hear her giggle."

What I liked: The relationship between Zeph and Leah. Even before we learn he is her father, they clearly have an intimate and loving relationship. I love when you describe the "simpler times," of her childhood. Their memories tug at your reader's heartstrings. I love this line, "It was easier back then to pretend they were normal people when she was a child and not soaked in death." This is a great phrase, and it describes the world she lives in perfectly. I also love this description: " Leah looked up at the night sky as grief swelled in her chest, the stretch of stars and space all the larger for it." Oh, this line. It is so emotive. I can't describe how much it touched me. That's the standout line of the whole story, for me.

I loved reading this story. Your writing is so beautiful. Even when describing a planet at war, you manage to tug on my heartstrings. It's so well written. I love it!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi LdyPhoenix

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

This is your first review from your Hazelnut Praline Package, gifted to you from your Secret Santa.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: Wow. This story is beautifully written. Your descriptions are first class, and I felt I was a part of the story. I could feel and see the cold, damp outside world and the suffocating, terrifying inside world. I love how you show the adult River trying to save and protect her younger self. When I got to the end and read that it is based on a dream or nightmare you had, it made it feel even more poignant.

Plot: River has escaped some kind of trauma. She appears to have been abused as a child. This story sees her trying to look after the young version of herself, to protect her from the inevitable. I thought the end was nicely done. The way everything seems to be running on a loop makes the nightmare even scarier, and it reflects how trauma has a tendency to run on a loop; how it's hard to be truly free from the monster.

Characters: River. If I'm honest, I didn't completely get the reason why the character was called River. I know she dissolves into the water and is swept along in the river, but it confused me a little when you first had her call herself River. I thought she was speaking to the water, at first.

The faceless man interests me. It rings true with a lot of trauma, where the victim can't always remember the attacker's face(s) or the details of what happened. I like the way you show him still trying to get to your character, even when she escapes into the outside world.

Grammar/Typos: Just a couple of minor points:
"She picks the girl up, setting her on the self to climb through." ~ It should be shelf.
" Wider the waters grow until all she could do is bare her teeth and descend." ~ Everything else in this story is in the present tense, so could isn't the right tense to use. It should be can.

What I liked: Your description. It's some of the best I've read. The whole description of the water falling off her body at the beginning is a great hook. It's so nicely written. In particular, this sentence: "Drops of water roll down her arms, across the back of her hands, before sluggishly dropping off her fingers." There are many other places that I could mention as my favourite parts because it's like watching a movie. It feels cinematic. Does that make sense? I want to mention this part, though, because it is perfection: "The cold that overtook her spine now spreads to her gut, blooming into barbed dread." Just ... wow.

Suggestions: Only one. At the beginning, when we are getting familiar with the story setting and the characters, you write, "Yet the sun shines bright in a clear blue sky. She finds herself on the tall grasses beside a churning river." As I first read this, I thought the sun found herself on the tall grasses. I thought it would be a story of personification of the sun. It confused me momentarily.

I really enjoyed this story. I love your writing. It really sinks into the reader's skin and pulls them inside the story. Great work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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for entry "The Great Oz" 
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter—'The Great Oz'— as part of the "The Rockin' Reviewers" . This is your second Hazelnut Praline Review.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: Wow. Another fantastic chapter, JJ. You show your readers there is some kind of war about to happen. A war like the world has never seen before, and with an enemy it has never fought before. Sam is the old soldier tasked with heading up the Special Ops crew. It's interesting how General Kohl wants to use Sam (who is middle-aged, out-of-shape, and has a prosthetic leg) and his old crew who are equally old and out of the habit of fighting. There must be something special about them. I wonder what they have done in the past. It occurred to me that in the previous chapter Merci described her encounter with a Special Ops crew. In that meeting, she and her uncle weren't allowed to sail any nearer to a specific island. I wonder if that was the island where the alien-technology space crafts, sea vessels, and other vehicles were being crafted. With the emphasis being on the alien technology. Is that connected to Merci's visions? Or am I barking up the wrong tree completely? So many questions!

Characterization: Your introduction to General Kohl is wonderful. In particular, this part: "his presence preceded by a shiver of energy that radiated through your nervous system like a sudden tap on the shoulder." It tells us how charismatic and important this man is. Sam appears to be both irritated by and in awe of the general. He cannot say no to his mission. The general's slight hesitation and small worry lines give way just how big and dangerous the mission is. There's never any question whether Sam will accept, even though he doesn't understand why the general chose him. Here is another great description that shows the tension between these two men. It's speaking of the general's tumbler: "Sam refilled it, then set the bottle down like a Tombstone barkeep waiting for a two-dollar gold piece." I adore that! Just, love it!

I really like the diary entry Sam wrote after the incident in Bosnia in which his bomb didn't go off at the right time, resulting in innocent children being killed. It shows how affected Sam is by his past. It helps the reader to understand why he drinks so much and is so grumpy. It also explains how he lost his leg, which is a great nugget of information. This line, which comes from the diary entry, is chilling: "In the business of death, conscience is a killer." It's a wonderful insight into the minds of Sam and his team.

Grammatical Errors: Just a few. I've put them in a dropnote.
Grammar Suggestions ▼

Flow of the Chapter/ Story: As always, you move logically and seamlessly through the chapter. Beginning with Sam awaiting General Kohl (following on nicely from the last chapter about Sam), then we meet the Great Oz: General Kohl. He drops his bombshell, creating more intrigue and mystery, and we see Sam trying to figure out what it's all about whilst preparing to go into battle. I love the confusion. I love the teases you throw us, like this description of the enemy: "The devil is coming, Sam, and he's bringing his most loyal and dangerous minions. Seeing the face of our new evil, and knowing where he comes from is going to put a stain on your khakis." That is fabulous! There's no way your readers will not want to read on after this. (Actually, that is probably true right from the first chapter. This line, though, is just brilliant!)

Setting: It's no secret that I love your descriptions. Every time I read something of yours, I feel pulled into the world of your writing. Everything is so vivid. It's a delight to read. This description, from the beginning, is an example of what I mean: "Sam gazed out at the glittering oasis of lights six miles away, a place shrouded in secrecy and made famous by conspiracy theorists." That "glittering oasis" is perfect. Seriously.

Content of the Chapter: The content is perfect. It's the right length and you move the plot forward at a good pace. The only thing I have a query with is the chapter title. I understand why you named it "The Great Oz" because it is our introduction to General Kohl, and I think he will be important in the novel. He is also behind the events which are about to take place. So, yes. I guess it makes sense. But, to me, this chapter is more about the team. It's about work Sam has done with the new technologies, and it's about ghosts from the past and how they haunt us today. I know you have already used "Dead Soldiers" as a title, so maybe "Ghosts" wouldn't work. I'm not sure. I just didn't feel like Kohl was the focus of this chapter.

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed this chapter, JJ. You never fail to deliver. As always, I'm blown away by your talent. Your descriptive writing is among the best I've read. It's beautiful. I love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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for entry "Simene" 
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter—'Simene'— as part of the "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is the first review from your Hazelnut Praline package.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: For this chapter, we return to Merci, who is now joined by her friend Simene. We get to learn more about Merci's past and the "episodes" she has had which are similar to seizures but during them she has flashbacks to memories and cryptic clues. I really enjoyed reading this chapter, JJ. I'm so intrigued by the supernatural aspect of this novel. Also, the mystery of what Merci has been through in the past. We learn that she has no relatives; they have all died. I'm longing to know what happened to them. Nice suspense created with that. You have made the reader feel as though Merci is in some kind of danger which keeps us on the edge of our seats.

Characterization: Simene is introduced in this chapter, and I love him! You asked me whether you give too much character backstory for him and whether it slows the pace of the narrative. The answer to both those questions is: no. You've got it just right. I love your physical description of him. This line, in particular, is fab: "His shock of charcoal hair always looked as if he had just stuck a bobby pin in a light socket." The whole physical description of him is amazing. You paint a vivid picture. I also really like the way he is excited and intrigued and not frightened by the demons in Merci's head or the weird stuff going on around her. He's brilliant. It's nice to know where he comes from, as well.

You give us more backstory for Merci, also. Her past is fascinating. From the time she spent at Waterwood (what actually is that place?) to her time with her father, uncle, and mother. I think they are all separate. Merci alludes to the horrors she has seen in her past, and it leaves us wondering what happened to her. So, again, not too much backstory.

Grammatical Errors: Just a few points ...
Grammar Suggestions ▼

Flow of the Chapter/ Story: This is something you were concerned about. Again, I don't think you need to worry. It flows beautifully and logically. It begins with Merci recovering from her 'episode.' Then we meet Simene and learn about his friendship with Merci, and we see they are people who will complement each other well. You have the pacing right. Leading up to the diary entries, then the levitating penny, and a feeling that Simene will use his geeky inventions to detect the entity that is invading Merci's life.

Content of the Chapter: I really like how you slowly reveal key points. The penny near the end is fantastic! I totally did not expect that. It's quite spooky, too, isn't it? It leaves me wondering what on earth is going on. With regards to the length, it is a long chapter. However, I don't think it's too long. Honestly, I think I started to lose a little attention around the point of the diary entry. Only a little. But, Merci's revelations and Simene's knowledge of the boats she drew, quickly brought me back into the story. So, if you were to split the chapter, I would suggest you do it after the diary entries. But, I genuinely don't think it's necessary.

Some Favourite Lines: Just a few of my favourite parts ...
*StarB* "A nook full of leather bound journals ensconced into her beds headboard beckoned." (Although there should be an apostrophe before the s in beds.)
*StarB* "He soon understood that books would be his only escape from a cloistered, poverty-stricken world, and he devoured them at every opportunity, especially technical manuals."
*StarB* "Its flat surface hung perpendicular, the copper plated visage of Abe Lincoln rotating slowly like a gear on a shaft."

These are just a few of the lines I love. I could write a lot more!


Final Thoughts: I'm still enjoying this novel. You keep the reader hooked the whole time. Your writing is absolutely beautiful, and your descriptions really pull the reader into Merci's home and life. Great work, JJ!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Chapter 2  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Emily

I am reviewing this chapter as part of the "The Rockin' Reviewers" . This is your first Chocolate Fudge review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: I looked forward to reading this second chapter of your novel as the first one really hooked my attention. The plot in this chapter continues at a great pace, with a wonderful mix of curiosity and mystery. In this chapter, we see Jon being taken to a Reintegration Room so he can get his bearings after his centuries-long sleep. I love how the company who preserved him do this. It's a great idea. I wondered if Val would be waiting inside for him. But, no. She isn't. The letter he receives from Val was written forty years ago, which leaves us wondering what has happened in between. Did she fall victim to the plague that Mar mentioned?

Characterization: Jon is a likeable character. His confusion is well written, and his longing to see his wife is quite emotional. As the reader, we get the feeling he won't meet his wife again. At least, not in the way he hopes. But, this makes his yearning for her even more touching. I think it's interesting how the women who tend to him are identical, and their names indicate they are at least part robot.

Grammatical Errors: I have put my suggestions in a dropnote.
Grammar Suggestions ▼

Flow of the Chapter/ Story: The chapter proceeds logically and the new world is revealed to Jon little by little, which also means it is revealed to the reader little by little. It keeps us on our toes, and that really appeals to me.

Setting: I am intrigued by the "sooty brown nothing" that surrounds the city. This was alluded to in the first chapter as well, and I have a feeling it is going to be an important part of the story. I love the purple streets! That's brilliant.

Final Thoughts: This is an exciting novel, and I can't wait to read more of it. I am enjoying reading about Jon's experiences, and I love your imagination. Great work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Chapter 1  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi Emily

I am reviewing this chapter as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This is your Strawberry Surprise review.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: This is an exciting, original plot. As I read through this chapter, I loved the little surprises you unveiled as the story progressed. For example, Jon's body not being his own body. I love how you show this by him not recognising his hand. I didn't read your brief description before I read the chapter, which meant I was shocked when we discovered that it is set in the year 2353. There are so many possibilities for this novel.

Characterization: Jon is disorientated when he awakes from his coma. His main concern is his wife, Valerie. I can't wait to see what has happened to her. The doctor gave Jon a bit of a tease by saying he would see his wife "in due course." I wonder whose body she now inhabits. The nurse and doctor are vague with Jon about what's happened. Maybe it's just because they know how much of a shock his awakening must be. But, I'm not sure I entirely trust them. They seem pretty eager to get rid of him, even though they previously said he will be disorientated for days.

Grammatical Errors: "Jon opened his mouth and licked his unbearably dry lips looking up at the man in the doctor’s coat." There should be a comma after lips because at the moment it reads as though his lips are looking at the man.
Also, "It didn’t seem like anything was real and he brought his hand up slowly to look at it." There should be a comma after real. However, I would probably change this sentence to show Jon pulling back the sheet and noticing his hand, or something like that. It would pull the reader into the story more fully. My other grammatical suggestion is that when you show Jon's internal thoughts, they should be just that: Jon's thoughts. Therefore, he wouldn't think, "Were there flying cars?" He would think "Are there flying cars?" There are a couple of places where you need to check this.

Dialogues: The dialogue between Jon and the nurse and the doctor is brilliant. You never give too much away, initially calling what has happened to Jon "a procedure." This leaves your readers hanging to read the next words and discover what that procedure is. That's a nice way to write.

Setting: The year 2353. No flying cars, but lots of colours. Outside the hospital window, buildings are brightly coloured, as are the streets. Jon's clothes are vibrant colours that were last seen in the 1970s. I notice, however, the hospital room is white and sterile and in sharp contrast to the outside world. One suggestion I have relates to the room itself. Jon says, "With his eyes shut, he could only perceive the room through its sounds and smells. Sterile. Cold." This place is a great opportunity for you to grab your reader and place them in the hospital room. So, rather than says he could perceive the smells and sounds. Describe them. What can he smell? Formaldehyde? The nurse's perfume? Disinfectant? What can he hear? Voices? Metal trolleys rolling along the floor? Those kinds of details would really make this world stand out.

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this chapter. It's hooked me into your story, and I intend to review more chapters for your other Chocolate Emporium package. I can't wait to see what happens to Jon from here. Nice work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Passage  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi JACE

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . This is your second Whisky Liqueur review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I am reviewing this as a short story, as that is how it's described. However, I suspect every word of it is true. The emotion is tangible, and the love shines through. It gives the whole story of this road trip a touch of magic. It really is a delight to read.

Plot: This is a rite of passage story about a young boy who goes on a road trip with his family. But, more than that, it is about love and family and learning things about yourself that will set you in good stead for the rest of your life. The trip itself sounds amazing. I've seen road trip movies and listened to my hubby (who is American) speak of days-long road trips, and I would love to have the chance to do that. We keep promising ourselves we will do Route 66 one day. We'll see. Anyway, my point is, I'm British, which means a day of driving, and you can get from one end of the country to the other! So, this story really intrigues me. The descriptions of the Blue Ridge Mountains and Appalachian Trail and all the historic sights sounds so exciting. It's the kind of experience I would have loved as a child (and, also, as an adult).

Characters: The young boy who is (almost) eight years old is likeable and has such a thirst for learning. I love the relationship he has with his father. When they went for a coffee and a shared donut, I actually had a lump in my throat. I could imagine how special that must have been, and how special it still is to this day.

Grammar: Only one part I would change: "Dad was gone a lot, up before we rose for school." I tripped over this when I first read it. I would change the comma to a colon. At the moment, it is a comma splice.

What I liked: The relationship between the boy and his father. It's endearing and beautiful to witness. In terms of specific lines, this is a fantastic description: "We never wanted it to end with darkness having the final say." That's so evocative of childhood and makes me feel a little nostalgic. I also love the humour here. Speaking of the middle seat in the car, you say: " It was not a choice seat as anyone sitting there was well within range of Mom's backhand." That made me smile. As did, " And baths. Boo!" Very funny!

I loved this story. It's got so much heart. The whole road trip sounds magical, and I'm a little envious, I have to admit. It's beautifully written and the descriptions are rich and compelling. A really great read!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Family Tree  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jade Amber Jewel

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the first of your Hazelnut Praline reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a great poem about family and how important it is. It also makes you think about where you came from; not just our parents, but their parents, too. I never knew three of my grandparents, and the older I get, the more I would like to have known them. Like you, though, I'm glad they married. Otherwise, the result would have been "too sad."

Voice/Tone: The voice in this poem is clear, and I believe your own. I love the end, where you write: "This is / Jade Amber Jewel, the Writer / signing out." That really made me smile. Although your tone is serious, moments like this ending also show a little humour in the narrative. You are respectful of those who came before you, and I really like that.

Mechanics: There is no set structure here. However, the rhymes that you use give the poem a really good pace. It has a great rhythm that is pleasant to read.

My Favourite Part: I love this line: "and my mouth full of drought." When I first read that, it made me smile. Then, when I thought about it, I realised how clever a simile it is. It's a fab description. I also really like this part: "Just the three of us, you see, / Mother, Father and me." This made me think of my family. It was just my Mum, Dad, and me for a long time. We were a great little unit, and reading this makes me feel quite nostalgic. I love how you acknowledge that a time will come when you leave home and your parents return to being just the two of them.

Suggestions: The only lines I'm not really sure about are these: "I could keep going on and on and out, / but I feel the need to walk-about." They work, in terms of rhyme and rhythm, but I'm not sure how they relate to the rest of the poem. It feels like you included them because they rhyme, and not because they enhance the poem. The first line, in particular.

I really enjoyed this poem. You have clearly inherited your father's talent for writing poetry, and it was a pleasure to read. Nice work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Stars And Stripes  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Angus

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is the second of your Hazelnut Praline reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I don't think I've ever read your poetry before. I have to say I'm impressed. As I first read this poem, I love the blue and red. It looks appealing, and that's why I chose to read it. The words and fab, too. Your love for your country is a pleasure to read. It's nice to read positive things, with all the bad happening at the moment. This poem is a wonderful tribute to your country.

Voice/Tone: The tone is celebratory and joyful. The theme of vibrant colours runs the whole way through, and it makes the poem really come alive. When I read it, I feel like you had a smile on your face and a glint in your eye when you wrote it. It makes me smile, as well, even though I am one of those British your forefathers fought off *Laugh*. I love how this poem reflects on the meaning of the Stars and Stripes, and what was sacrificed in order to be free. But, in the end, I love the joyfulness.

Mechanics: I don't think this poem is any specific form, but there is a rhyme scheme abcb defe, etc. This rhyme scheme gives the poem a wonderful rhythm and a great pace. It runs smoothly with no bumpy parts, making it even more of a joy to read.

My Favourite Part: I love the whole poem! I could quote each verse and give my reasons why they are my favourite. But, the verse that begins, "Hamburgers, hot dogs / Laughter and smiles," is probably my favourite. This verse represents what 4th July is all about. "Politics forgotten / At least for a while." I love that. Everything else is put aside in order to have this day of unity. I have to mention the last verse, as well. In that verse, you paint the picture of the flag flying, then write: "It’s our day to celebrate / This land of the free." That's a great way to end; a wonderful image to leave with your readers.

I really like this poem. It's filled with colour and happiness (and hamburgers and hot dogs!). It creates such a warm feeling in me. I've never been in the U.S. for 4th July, but David has some great tales of celebrating when he was younger. One day, I would love to experience it. But, back to this poem. I love it. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Fade Into Memory  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Lostwordsmith

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . This is the first of your Orange Creme reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I can see why this won a Quill Award. I've read it through five or six times, and each time I spot something different. Some other clever rhyme or device I didn't see before. It's delightful to read. It feels like every, single word is carefully placed. There's no part where you have just used a "make-do" word. Does that make sense? In addition to all the clever poetic devices, I love the content, as well. It's a beautiful moment.

Voice/Tone: The narrator is, on the face of it, describing their reaction to the coming of the autumn. This is the time of year when leaves change colour and begin to die. It is the time of year it gets colder outside and there is less sun. And so, the first line: "You expected to be sad in the fall." One of the best first lines I've read. It's a fantastic hook, and it sucked me inside the imagery of the poem. I wondered whether the whole poem is actually a metaphor for getting older. Most of us wonder what it will be like when our health begins to fail and joints begin to creak. Most of us, I think, expect a certain sadness at a life that has passed too quickly. But, I thought maybe you are saying, actually, it's okay. You don't feel sad. You don't have regrets, and you look forward to your future. I could be way off on this, but it is the impression I get.

Mechanics: The poem is free verse at its best. So many people don't understand that free verse is a form in itself. Just because there is no set meter or rhyme scheme, it doesn't mean you use no poetic devices. And this poem has so much rhyme and clever phrasing and fabulous metaphors. Firstly, the internal rhymes of ended and descended in the first verse made me smile. Then, your alliteration with brisk and biting. This continues through the whole poem, and it's actually really exciting to read. These devices give the poem a wonderful rhythm that doesn't miss a single beat. It's smooth and seamless.

My Favourite Part: It's hard to choose one place because the poem works as a whole image, or a whole metaphor for growing older. I have to mention the end, though, because I think it's a really nice image: "only contentment, as / another year began to wind down / and fade into memory." It feels warm and happy. It's beautiful. I also love the rhyme of frost, dawn, and warm. Also, melancholy and memory. Your rhymes are clever and subtle, but they are a joy to read.

I love this poem. I have no advice, I'm afraid. I don't think there is anything that would make this poem better. It's perfect as it is. Great writing!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Here In the Quiet  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Schnujo is Late to Lannister

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is your final Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Ahh, this is a lovely poem. I love the sentiment and the message: that love is not about grand gestures, especially when they are about making up for wrongdoings, but it is about the quiet, everyday times. That's so true. At least, in long-term relationships. Just spending time with each is what matters. Connecting. So, my first impression of this poem is, it's a beautiful tribute to love.

Voice/Tone: The narrator is speaking from personal experience. The tone is soft and loving and happy. The words sound as though they are almost whispered in their sensuality. I love how you call your lover, "my love, my heart, my other self." That description is perfect. Reading this actually makes me feel warm and fuzzy about my hubby, and I'm not usually a romantic person.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, written in a series of non-rhyming couplets. The rhythm of the poem works really nicely, and the poem moves along at a great pace. There are no bumpy places. It flows.

My Favourite Part: These lines: "We lie quietly, each listening / to the other one breathe." This is so simple but so beautiful at the same time. You have captured the essence of love. Similarly, these lines are fabulous: "Listening, watching, attentive / to my every movement." The connection that you feel to your lover (or, the narrator to her lover—are they the same?) is huge. It is what makes the relationship work.

This is a beautiful love story told through poetry. It's nice to see this side of you. Personally, I find it really hard to write anything romantic because it feels like laying myself bare. I don't know if you feel that, too? But, it doesn't matter. This is a really great poem. Love it!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Schnujo is Late to Lannister

I've just finished reading your short story, "The Case of the Glowing Trees" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as your first Chocolate Fudge review.

My first impressions: I really enjoyed this story. Right from the start, I was hooked by the premise of the two ghost hunters and the mysterious glowing trees. As I read through, I was desperate to know why they were glowing and what would happen to the two men trying to find their secrets. I forgot this was written for the Cliffhanger Contest, so when the story ended just as I was about to find out, I believe I may have said, "No!" out loud. It's a fantastic cliffhanger.

Plot: Two ghost hunters are investigating some trees that are glowing white for no apparent reason. The leader, Jim, seems fearless and takes charge with taking samples and testing them. Seth (who is physically the bigger man) is afraid the whole time he is there. It made me chuckle that he had this job of hunting things that terrified him. Although, maybe he wasn't scared when he first started, and it was memories of, "the baby that came out of the bathroom wall and the dog with no head." It is funny how frightened he is, though. I wonder whether the two men have a longer connection that just this job.

What I really liked: The mystery, the intrigue. I loved Seth. I felt so sorry for him because I could imagine I would have been just as frightened as he was. I also loved the cliffhanger, although, I hated it at the same time because it left me hanging. But, it worked really well for the contest. If you ever think of expanding on this and telling us what had Jim's eyes so wide, let me know. My favourite line of the story is this one: "And warmth can mean life and the last thing he wanted was to make a tree angry by copping a feel without asking." I laughed out loud at that!

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just a couple of minor points ... "He often thinks their is, but Jim's taunting of him ..." It should be there. Also, "Yet Jim only removed the outer layer, something a normal tree wouldn't weep from--Not to mention ..." It should be a small n. Lastly, this line confused me a little: "'Nothing. He pressed the vial against the tree again and scraped some of the bark into it.'" I don't think this should all be in the speech marks. I think, "Nothing," is the only word spoken here, so you need to move the closing speech mark.

Suggestions: I struggled a little with the present tense narration. It seemed a little awkward if I'm honest. In one place, you actually switch to past tense ("He awaited the smart aleck response ...") and it sounds much more natural. I would change the tense if you ever wanted to revise this story. That is my suggestion.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this. It's a great suspenseful story with some humour that works really well. I love the character of Seth. His relationship with Jim is nice as well. All in all, a great read.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Private Eye  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Genipher

I've just finished reading your short story, "Private Eye" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of your final Orange Creme review.

My first impressions: I was intrigued by your Dick Casey investigations when I first started to look around your port. So, I wanted to review one before I leave. I chose this one because it is the first. And, I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. From the first two words ("The dame ...) I knew I would love it. This set the scene really well, and without being told, I knew I was in a hardboiled detective story. I love this kind of story, and you have done a great job with it.

Plot: A broad goes to see private investigator Dick Casey because her sister has gone missing. She was supposed to arrive on a flight to hear the reading of their father's will. But she didn't ... Or did she? Dick comes to the conclusion she killed her so she could inherit all the money. I love seeing Dick's interactions with Babyface Jane (his informant) and Tony the policeman. If anything, I felt it could have been a lot longer. There are lots of avenues he could have taken in trying to figure it out.

What I really liked: Dick Casey. He is a great character. Again, you had me reading the whole piece in a Humphrey Bogart-style accent (which is interesting, I can tell you!). I love the twist; that the woman shot her own sister. I love the excitement when Babyface gets shot.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just a few minor typos ... "'My sister, Tina,' she pulled out a hanky and dabbed her baby-blues,' She was supposed ..." It should be a small s when the speech is continued if you have a comma after, "baby-blues." However, I would probably place a period after "Tina" and also after "baby-blues." That would read more smoothly. Also, "'Plane, train, or automobile?' I ask." It should be asked because you have been writing in the past tense up until this point. Lastly, "'She never showed,' I crushed out the butts, 'Let ...'" Again, I would place a period after "showed" and also after "butts."

Suggestions: It would have been great to see Dick confronting the sister in the end and to see some kind of struggle. I imagine she would be carrying the gun she used to shoot Babyface, so it could have been a really exciting climax. My other suggestion is regarding the language used. At first, I loved it, and it really set the scene well. However, there was an awful lot of phrases I didn't understand. Most of them, I could guess their meaning, but not all of them. It meant I was constantly being jolted out of the narrative trying to figure out the meaning. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely right that you use some of the hardboiled language. It gives an authentic feeling to the story. But, I would say maybe dial it down a little.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. I love Casey's voice and I love his sarcastic humour. I love the story and the twist. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of What have I done?  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Chris Breva

I am reviewing this on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . I found this review on the Read & Review page.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. Just ... wow. This poem is dripping with emotion. By the time I finished reading it, I had tears in my eyes. It's beautifully written.

Voice/Tone: I don't know whether this is personal to you, but it sure sounds like it is. The narrator's voice sounds so unhappy, so full of regret and remorse. Yet, from what I've read, it doesn't sound like there is anything to feel regret or guilt about. It sounds as though you had the toughest decision ever to make, and you made the right one; the one that took away the suffering of your loved one. That's brave. I know because I had to do the same for my Mum. I felt guilty, but I knew it was the right decision. And these kinds of decisions are never made lightly.

Mechanics: The form is simple. Two quatrains with an aabb ccdd rhyme scheme. It gives the poem a wonderful fluidity. It flows and the rhythm is spot on. There is nothing to pull the reader out of the poem.

My Favourite Part: The whole poem! The last two lines, though, are the ones that I find most upsetting: "I simply had to let you go / I could not help feeling I killed you though." We are very good at feeling guilty, and blaming ourselves in these situations is probably very common. From the sound of it, though, I think you did the loving, right thing for your loved one. I also love these two lines from the first stanza: "You would have given your life for me / All I could do was set you free." This is a great way of showing the love you had for each other. It brings home how this was a real relationship.

This is such a beautiful poem. I may have it wrong, and this is not based on your own, personal experience. But, it just feels as though you have lived through this. It feels as though you have poured your heart onto the page in writing this, and the result is an incredibly moving poem.

Keep writing!

Choconut

PDG Penguin Sig.


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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Genipher

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is your second Orange Creme review.

My first thoughts: What an enchanting story! Right from the start, you hooked me with the two sisters squabbling. They could be any siblings anywhere. Most people will relate to this. However, as I read on, I discovered they aren't just any children. They are children in the Great Depression.

Plot: This is the story of a family moving to Arkansas during the Great Depression. I love the way you show the journey they have to undertake. You show how little food they have, how they don't even have enough money to get horses to pull the wagon. The father and older brothers have to pull it. Yet, at the same time, family life goes on as normal, with the two sisters squabbling and doing exactly what sisters normally do. I love this juxtaposition. It highlights how difficult the situation is. The theme of angels runs throughout, with Gladys saying that angels are always watching over them a few times. In the end, when they see the angel, it's a really nice touch, and it makes the reader think the family will be okay.

Characters: I love Gladys and Sissy. What I love most is how you write their accents into their speech. It makes them real and gives them flavour. It meant that this English girl read the whole story with an (interesting) Southern accent in my head. I love their Daddy, too. He seems fun and not too serious. I imagine him to be a cool daddy.

Grammar: Just one point: "Mama walked alongside her mate, hollering out the occasional reprimand when the kids got to bickering, while Glady's eldest brother walked behind ..." It should be Gladys's.

What I liked: This line stands out as my favourite: "'Always callin' me a country bumpkin and makin' fun of my hair. I cain't help that it turned out red.'" This made me laugh out loud. I can picture the young girl cursed by the colour of her hair. I love the relationship between all the family, in particular, Gladys and Sissy. Despite the bickering, there is so much love between them, which is highlighted at the end when Gladys pats Sissy's hand.

Suggestions: I found the description of the angel at the end could have been a little fresher. For example, "Elegant, massive wings ..." Massive is a pretty generic term and elegant is used quite a lot for angels. Also, "With wide eyes, Gladys watched the being fly slowly over her family." Being is quite a bland word for an angel. I just feel like you could have described her a lot more creatively because I know you write fantastic descriptions.

I really enjoyed this story. I could picture everything, and I loved the two, little girls. A lovely study of sibling relationships, and an entertaining story with a sweet ending.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Genipher

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is the first of your Orange Creme reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " 

My first thoughts: I found myself instantly hooked on this story. The tale of the strange creatures living in the forest intrigued me. And when your main character, the young Herlee, decides she (or maybe he, I'm not sure) will go alone to find the creature, I had to read until the end. Great hook.

Plot: I'm not sure when this is set, but I don't think that really matters. It's in a fantasy world. The mention of "several viral bombs" having exploded a few years ago adds intrigue to this story. So, this story sees Herlee travel through the forest to the cabin near the cornfield where the creature is believed to live. I held my breath as she stepped into the cabin, then slowly turned around. And the creature? A human. This, I thought, is a great twist! I loved it. I loved how Herlee says, "'It's true, then,' I whispered. 'Your kind does exist!'" Brilliant! As I read on, however, I discovered that this wasn't the big twist. "I reached up self-consciously with one free hand. The snakes that looped over my scalp hissed at my touch." These sentences are fabulous! I love how you casually drop them into the narrative as though they are perfectly normal. It really made me smile.

Characters: Herlee is really appealing and she carries the narrative well. I may have missed it, but I don't think we know for sure whether she is female or male. I think she's female because of the way she feels she has something to prove, and also the way the other tribe members are shocked she will go to find the creature on her own. Either way, I really like the character. Her bravery is a great quality. I also really like the human at the end. He is unafraid of this Medusa character. I can see romance in the cards for these two.

Grammar: Just a couple of points ... "'But if it doesn't cooperate...' the knife glinted under the sun ..." It should be a capital T in the. Also, "'Right away,' I glanced at the sky, noting how the sun stood directly overhead." It should be a period after "Right away."

What I liked: I love your descriptive narrative. In particular, the way you describe the woods and how Herlee comes to a cornfield and a bit of a clearing. There is something about that cornfield description that I love. I could see it clearly. The cabin, also. You do a great job of putting the reader into the story. I also love the double twist at the end. It goes to show we never really know who people are.

I loved this story. I felt I was walking alongside Herlee. Your character is a great narrator. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of 7-11  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi The StoryMistress

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

*StarV* I'm going through WDC's birthday celebrations and sending out a few reviews of activities. I wanted to send you a review for this item because I think it's brilliant. Before I get into the content, I love the visuals. The banner you have created is vibrant and eye-catching. It draws people into the activity to take a closer look.

*StarV* This is such a generous activity. I love how simple the idea is: throughout WDC's 18th birthday week, eighteen reviewers will be randomly chosen each day to receive 10,000GPs. It's simple, but it's also a great way of encouraging people to write more reviews. And, at the moment, there is so much more to review. I feel spoiled for choice. I want to review everything. This activity, though, it shows that you and The StoryMaster care about your members. You understand that reviews are at the heart of this community, and to show your recognition in this way is really cool.

*Starv* I was one of the lucky people who received one of the prizes a couple of days ago, and the buzz it gave me was huge. I'm not generally a lucky person when it comes to raffles and prize draws, so this was a lovely surprise. And, it did make me feel as though my efforts are appreciated.

So, this review comes with a thank you, for all you do for your members. This activity is a wonderful gift to us.

Choconut

New sig. for WDC Power Reviewers.
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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Pat ~ Rejoice always!

This review is affiliated with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

*StarV* I wanted to send you a review for this as I've just placed a couple more bids, and I realised I'm in love with this auction. Before I even get into the content, the visuals are fantastic. I love the pastel-colour balloons that shimmer at the top of each package. The colour scheme, in general, is very soothing and very appealing to the eye. Your images fit perfectly, too.

*Starv* This auction is clever and unique. Yes, there are the auction packages we can bid on and hope to win, as with any auction. But, you have added into the mix one guess for every bid as to the ice cream flavour of the day. Each day, the winning flavour is drawn by random and whoever guesses that flavour goes into the hat for a merit badge at the end of the auction. So, there's a whole sub-game going on. Personally, I love this game.

*StarV* You have some great packages on offer here. A lot of people have donated, and there is a wonderful mix of different prizes. I'm sure there is something to tempt everyone. Indeed, you have had a lot of bids, and you look set to raise a lot of funds. I love that you reward the package donors by placing their names in the draw for your exclusive WdC Ice Cream Social Merit Madge (which is really pretty, by the way).

*Starv* The groups you have chosen to support through the auction are great causes. They are all focused on supporting and helping the members of WDC. Each group contributes greatly to this website.

What more can I say? I love this activity. I hope you raise a ton of funds for the groups you support. I hope you continue to serve ice cream every September for many years to come!

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .
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Review of Ghostly Campfire  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi NanoWriMo2018 Into the Earth

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. I am reviewing this as one of my challenges in "Invalid Item" .

My first thoughts: I love a good ghost story, and this one did not disappoint. I love the suspense of the story, and whether or not something will happen to the group around the campfire.

Plot: A ghost story told around a campfire. But, the question is, is it a true story? I love the concept of Patrick's story. He tells it well, and it's different to other stories I've read. The twist at the end of fabulous! I loved that. We all thought it was Juliana making the Crazy Cat Lady sounds in the woods, but then we see she is stood next to Patrick! Nice twist! I loved the ending!

Grammar: I have a few grammar suggestions, which I'll put in a dropnote. I haven't included all the points I noticed, but I'm happy to give you more details if you want. (I appreciate you wrote this a long time ago, so if irrelevant, please ignore them.)

Grammar Suggestions ▼

What I liked: I loved the originality of this story. I loved the twist at the end. I loved the story itself. I am intrigued by this cat lady, and I'd love to know more about her story. She's an interesting character.

Suggestions: I thought the order of the story was a little odd. You mention the Cat Girl seeing the boys in her house and scratching at their clothing, and then the boys have a look around. Surely, they would have run away at that point. They wouldn't stay for a snoop.

I really enjoyed reading this story. I'm glad I stopped by your port for this challenge. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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