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1
1
Review by Prash
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Kurt, I have read you before and I know that I will read you again and again.

You are rather adept at threading gritty pebbles with a wise skein of humor that end up as a dazzling satirical jewellery. It isn't easy to avoid sounding gratingly rhetorical, abrasively critical or sorrily, self-servingly complaining - certain pitfalls of an unskilled one attempting this genre.

Kudos again, enjoyed, and thank you for the provocation and the laughs you provided for an after-night-duty dull mind.

warmest
prash
2
2
Review of Golden  
Review by Prash
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello J.A,

Again a thought provoking (though this time a) short-short-story from you. I presume you are interested in the feedback on euthanasia this tender story elicits from the readers. Let me throw in my pennyworth.

I'd say that's where we would all be in the near future - say, fifty years from now (fifty is surely near future in the larger perspective),but I am not certain if that will be where we will be in the far future.

The two recent high-profile cases, Terry Schiavo's in the US and 25-year-old Venkatesh's here in India have stimulated a real debate worldwide. As a doctor, I know that with what we can do currently in different set-ups and in various illness states is rather limited. I know that we have no answers with what we have currently with a whole lot of illnesses, but knowing that we give it all we have till nature takes over. Why? Maybe the laws are such or maybe that's the way we all believe as humans. And what is it that those for euthanisia have to say?

What appear as miracles now happen once in a while, like Don Herbert's case. I say "appear as miracles" since with our existing levels of knowledge, technology and understanding of everything, we are still very much primitive. Human history is all about how lack of knowledge and/or methods gave rise to certain practices, beliefs or stimulated the search for the next step. It is also a history with how man has had to "make-do" in a particular time period with what he had till that "next step" happenned.

Euthanasia may just fall into the latter category. It is possible that arguments in favor of euthanasia may be be accepted in the near future. They are quite logical in the present context of things...the levvels of knowledge, mechanisms, technology, methods and abilities, and resources. It is possible that like so many philosophies that emerged and were given up over time, even euthansia may just happen...for a while (in human history terms).

What will also happen, like it has always in human history, is the simultaneous search for the next step. The quest, the search for the next level of manipulation of our universe will also bring with it knowledge and techniques to alter human life and life-span. A certain portion of it is happenning already - though by nature's standards of perfection, it is an imperfect and crude - cloning.

Cloning, we know, is NOT the answer. It is only one little brick, or one little unravelment(please excuse the neologism - though it was expressive!), in that quest for the "next leap" - where we can control human life-span, eliminate diseases at a very basic level rather than the very "crude" methods we employ now when viewed from that perspective or age in time.

Euthanasia will have it's day unless the quest for the next leap zips ahead to aid the stonewalling troops now.

Stimulated both by the sentiments and the debate within your short-short-story.

Thank you

warmest
prash
3
3
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
True, T.L Finch. While we are almost always ready to be forgiven, it is not so when we have to forgive. No, it takes a whole lot of feeling and often a whole lot more to move our hearts truly towards forgiveness - yet another human fraility(?)

Inspiring...Thanks

prash
4
4
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful library! I have visited a few from here and I can see that this is a well-researched collection - there is variety and quality. It will take me some time...no a bit more than that...to browse through all the portfolios you have suggested. I think I shall keep this page in my fav's and dedicate all my immediate time for the same. Thank you.

warmest
prash
5
5
Review by Prash
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Mark,

Excellent Orwellian metaphors to describe an Animal Farm we have all become.

This round of electioneering and elections in the US bear uncanny similarity to what we witnessed here in India, earlier in the year. The nations involved are chalk and cheese - one marking a beat and the other pretending to do so in a play-school nursery. Yet both have been enduring democracies of approximately two billion of substance together, and like in this country, the American elections could spring surprises.

I follow the electioneering on CNN and cannot help forming an opinion, much less curtail my expression of it.

There appears to be a distinct possibility that the many million eligible Americans might just squeeze past a better president by a whisker yet again. National elections of any country are an internal bother, so why should they concern a bystander?
It's just that a bystander cannot help notice, for America drives the biggest car - a Hummer or any other - on the international countryroads.

Rooting...

prash
6
6
Review by Prash
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Rod Emmons,

What you say is true. Quite a few issues appear greater in incidence and prevalance only because of increased awareness, recognition or simply because people are more open about them. While there are some issues that may be recent phenomena, this is true of most such that have existed for long...especially the topic of your article.

You have a clear and precise essay that makes its point in a comprehensive and understandable way.

regards
prash
7
7
Review of Grab The Harpoon!  
Review by Prash
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A point well made for the school of thought! It is the season of debates as we all know...rat-a-tat-tat felicity versus the intermittent boom- -boom- -boom delicacy of a chat-room hammer. Both have their utility and intrinsic romance of expression. It is their respective impact that decides the mandate - the better story-teller will always win.

Actually, I have read a few articles and reviews on this theme lately and it has assumed proportions of a debate to my mind...

Touche

warmest
prash
8
8
Review of "FLIGHT"  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Kings,

The purpose of space travel is not merely to flag an alien planet, but to return home an altered man. There is always an association with the idea of God in extreme travel - a process of discovery of spaces - the spaces we limit with fluid walls of our soap bubble skins...there are spaces without, mares and mounts to chart, a lesser challenge than to explore those within. Space is much closer than the hundred-odd miles straight up. There is a supreme beckoning to both and man is free to go in the direction he chooses.

We discover like explorers, what we are presented with; if Mars - the human-given symbol of courage, determination, energy, drive, spontaniety and a rediness of action, be the destination it shall be found in the vacuum. It is a beckoning undeniable.

The references in this poem led me to such a conclusion. I could then be on a different trajectory altogether!

In passing, we could live forever in cocoons of either space, unaware or ignorant of (perhaps decreed?) the beauty of a unified space that we can bring to influence on each other, until the soap-bubble pops and spaces cannot be redeemed to our pleasure.

Little to comment upon the technicalities of writing...they have been attended to rather well.

Enjoyed.

warmest
prash
9
9
Review by Prash
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
My my Patrice, what a wonderful collection of Humankind have we here! Yes, BPD can be manupilated...and since they do not always exist in an either-or state, they can go about their lives as they would want to. Abraham Lincoln, is the second person I was introduced to after Neil Armstrong by my father, in my curiosity about America. I became aware of America only on the day man stepped on the moon, and hence, Neil Armstron was the first person my father told me about and then he continued to tell me more about America and Americana (dad was a scientist) so he focussed on the great American universities and their passion for excellence...and then he (a people's man at heart)had to mention Abe Lincoln and George Washington. Abe was the first American I read about in my life and naturally, has left an indelible impression on my mind.

sunny day from India
prashant
10
10
Review by Prash
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Patrice,

Yes, Bipolar Disorder (BPD) is quite like you have described. Like most diagnosis in Psychiatry, the terminology was changed not only for the social stigma attached to that field (unfortunately), but also to be more explanatory of what the illness is all about. DSM-III has re-organized certain traditional illnesses. The etiology of this illness, as with all illnesses pertaining to the field of psychiatry, are veering around to a chemical basis. It is the absence of excess of neuro-transmitters that is now being implicated in the causality of most psychiatric illnesses. DOPAmine, Serotonin, GBA etc have been implicated and medication is beginning to address these directly unlike the more global, non-specific medications used earlier. But, research in this field is necessarily difficult unlike other fields of medicine. As it is research in medicine is handicapped by the lack of experimentation to see cause and effect, tissue examination etc. unlike in animals studies.

Most of the symptoms are as you have mentioned. Not only are there mood swings - in the excitable stage there is a rapid flight of ideation, lack of judgement, coherence. There are also physical manifestations of this excitability. The other pole can easily be confused as on of the depressive disorders and wrongly diagnosed as such if proper history is not taken or available.

Both poles are prone to what could be termed suicidal tendencies and aggression in the excitable state.

There are also peronality types that may be similar to BPD and therefore misdiagnosed and wrongly treated. The distiction between Major Illness class and Minor Illness class has to be ascertained before treatment is initiated.

There are a number of on-line resources available...the AMA site and the APsyA provides for many references and recent updates.

Actually, my knowledge about these are now pretty basic since this is not my field of specialization, the websites I mentioned have loads of references.

Have a bright day
prash
11
11
Review of Chaos  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.0)
Patrice, since I have responded to a few poems of yours earlier and I am running late on a task or two, will you permit me the liberty of getting straight to the point on this one?

L2: is the full stop necessary...in fact the first four could smoothly be read in a flow without it...a line break in itself is a suggestion for a pause that is rightly essential here...a full-stop is a bit more than a pause, in abstract terms?

L4 : this one's a toss-up. Would you want this poem to begin in the past tense and show the progression to present continuous or would you like to maintain the present continuos tense throughout taking us along in the evolution? I refer to the use of "came" or changing it to "come". I don't know if this is so much of a call but somehow I feel the "come" might sit better. However, it might entail suitable changes in L7,8 and 9. So its your choice...I just aired my view.

L11 is superfluous in the context of the poem's progression. When you mention the notes made, plans plotted and all the i's dotted, in the preceding lines, it is evident that you are stormbound in the midst of Hurricane Bills2bPaid.

L14: typo - chaos

L15: is deft...I love the burdensome over instead of burden over...yes, a duty change is called for.

L16: a continuation of your skill from L15. That Coat and leave with the preceding unpunctuated over addas a little by-play in my eyes.

L19 and 20: "(to) these things of chaos" - how about insinuating the "to"? Just a thought....feel it reads better. Chaos has assumed a human form by now...you know.

L21: introspective line when read with the next...needs some meatier word than "concept" methinks.Hmm...is it required at all? I mean without it also it sounds great "Or is chaos my comfort?" without losing a shred of contextual significance.

L24: "As" can be safely deleted I think. "I sit and ponder" involves the reader more than "As I sit.." Like I said with respect to an earlier line, we have sensed the voice of this poem to be sitting in the eye of Hurricane Bills2bPaid or Twister UnsharedBurden.

And finally the killer line....Line 25...a perfect example of your agile mind and skill that I have always enjoyed....oh, yeah this is an original and superbly expressive line:-

"In the flotsum and jetsum of confusion"

On the initial read I felt it was a missplet word till I reached jetsum...then I whooped in delight...what a way-out encapsulation of the situation the subject of the poem finds herself in...it rockets!Makes me wish, I'd thought of that!

I am sorry Patrice if I appeared abrupt here...but I am actually running late and this was to be the last article for reading here till morrow brings another page.

Have a great day

warmest
prash
12
12
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello BeHereBook,

Now if there were one novel poem on the theme, I'd say this is a fine example of the same!

I flipped for this stanza among many wonderful stanzas like the opening grabber:-

"But thank my corpus callosum
for this quarrelsome duo,
moderator of the pen,
the carburetor-instigator on this
psycho built for two,
combining air and gas which detonate --
a fiery flash of Mary-Kate and ash!"

In fact, its very novelty and the deftly handled complex comparisons, made lucid, are baulking for a lay reviewer. It screams for applause well-earned and it gets that from me wholeheartedly.

But, like the intrepid underdog of life's fables, I soldier on to thrust at least a nit or two into this poem's skill armor. So here I go...

There are times when the need for rhyming appears to strain the sentence construction into needless tortuosity. Let me select S4 for illustration:-

"I'm rather dense -- a neutron star,
and sometimes bright -- a quasar, too...
I'm quickly
pulsating from Right Brain back
to Left -- they lead a skeleton of crew."

It is the first two lines that jerk the reader out of the rhythm he has settled into through three lovely preceding stanzas. Their construction seems a tad akward to read. The hyphenation is bothersome. Could they be rewritten without losing thier intended impact?
If you did wish to retain the first line maybe you could, but the second line definitely needs a re-working.

"and sometimes bright as a quasar too"

[How would this be if you intend to retain the "and"? If the "and" is dropped, a similar function could be served by a comma between "bright" and "as" to indicate and emphasize the sometime-ness of being bright like a quasar.

That also will obviate the need for using the ellipse at the end of the line, something I found, technically-better connoisseurs than I, find distracting to irritation.]

[Then in that wonderful opening stanza, how about skipping "knowledge" and leaving the rest -
"pearls of wisdom,in my head."
with or without the comma. Though there are no fixed length for the stanzas. most are anyway five-liners and wisdom is far superior to and something more than mere knowledge anyway. ]

In winding down, I'd like to appreciate one another extract from this poem that is so complete in all aspects of poetry (at least as far as I am concerned)

"
despite my fortune cookie horror-scope,
"Anticipate the worst but hope no
anvil or piano fills your cloudy little sky..."

I am a pumpkin-snatching Venus'
fly trap using poison irony --
they're only words and I am an
organic plastic peony who's growing,
for the moment, in a garden of inequity
beneath the setting sun."

What a way to end the poem! Your neuronal network's working all right from this evidence!

Please give yourself a pat on the back on my behalf for sharing this wonderful poem with us.

warmest
prash
13
13
Review of Time By Life  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Aye, Aye, Patrice! The song remains the same and we create the schism indeed! In a continuum that has no beginning and no end we mark with digits milestones of a dimension. That we believe will reflect the same message when the crystal is flipped and another facet presents, instead, distorting in another dimension of time. Beginnings and ends are meaningless digits we paint in the raindrops of time for eternity, or so we think. The stars are not today what I see today, they were what they are when I wasn't around; my time is not your time and your time is something else for me...I make sense for myself by marking my time with my life...Einstein-ian poem. Hawking too would love it.

By the first line of S2, did you intend the disappearing of digital perception by the live subject or did you intend that digit mean nothing to time? Just a minor query, since I feel if the second instance were the case, then maybe that sentence needs to be inversed...the digits disappearing bit coming at the beginning...in which case omitting "you" in the second line may be more meaningful...but I guess the way you have it cuts both ways and works well....mine was a just a minor compulsive nit-picking toss-around in my mind anyway (should stop that and just enjoy, I guess!)

I think you pick up thought-provoking topics and write them in a highly individualistic style that I like, Blue Bayou...is a clue to your skill.

warmest
prash
14
14
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Imaginative conclusions about our persona drawn from two apparently disparate phraseology found in the English language. The best part is that your distillate is superbly ripe. While the first idion is typical of Freudian Id, the second, of your invention, is so appropriate of Freud's Superego. The distillate naturally devolves to his Ego state. In a broad context this is so, but the system of Transactional Analysis explores, and takes us beyond the confusion of Freud and the failings of his theorems. We land up then with, the "child" you mention and what poets and phiolosophers sensed in each one of us.

Little twisties to stimulate thinking...enjoyed and thanks.

prash
15
15
Review by Prash
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Patrice,

Serendipity brought me to this poem, and though I am no Sindbad, I hold this nugget from the sands of writing.com trying to place an identity and a value to it.

As a conversation with oneself, it is supreme in its breadth, depth and clarity, but as a poem put out for all to read, and perhaps someday publish, these very same assets work against it.

I have little against poems of any length, breadth of vision, range etc....but I have come to understand that there is a natural disinclination amongst poetry-readers and/or publishers for poems of this length.

Then, a poem is better recieved when focussed on a point or at most two...sure, that point or two, may be chewed bare, examined from all sides in a reasonable number of stanzas, but too many ideas taken up may cause the reader to drift off. Of course, this is a presumption of mine from my observation of reviews at this and other sites. personally, I stayed all through the walk you designed for us, through your search. And, I loved the detailed descriptions, sounds and "realness" of the poem. To illustrate
"Terror, more frightening
Than any Saturday night movie." This is a beaut!!!

as is this stanza

"War gurgles, bloody,
Too near Holy Shrines
In Mecca, and Bethlehem,
And my back yard.
Sacrilegious sanctimonious sluts
Defile civilization."

This stanza is outstanding!

or this one too-
""It's easy," say the gay blades
In the Yellow Submarine."
was love ever easy as songs make it out to be....I love you fresh metaphors....absolutely new and exciting....I only fear the length may not prejudice readers...if they stay with it (which should not be too difficult because of all the fresh interpretations of mundane and countlessly written-upon theme)they will relish this poem as I have.

Oh, is S1L2 the way it should be...I did not understand the "in" between the into and the sofa...

"It's only a cartoon.
What you see is not real.
God's stunt life." ...am loving this, like an ad punchline goes....and then "Nothing I see is real...." wow! This poem talks to me, I'm enjoying biting into it....yup..Sindbad sure picked a winner here to begin today!!!!

warmest
prash

(P.S. May I print this one out for my personal diary? I'd like to keep this not only because I enjoyed every line of it, but also as an illustration of how we can use plastic and make it look like gold as far as new metaphors go. I mean using all those mundane things again...cartoons, yellow submarine.....war...mundane..religion..neighbours...birth....all into a coherent gold poem...this is lovely freestyle versification. Thank you)
16
16
Review of Just Another Case  
Review by Prash
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Varun,

This is a wonderful account of common existence in our country - Good Old India! There is attention to detail, not unnecessary, but to add to the story. None of them detract from the story.

This vignette from you is sufficient evidence of sensitivity to your surroundings and the obvious skill as a writer. A couple of suggestions if I may -

Firstly, the way I see it is that the protagonist of this story is Shekhar - a metaphor for all that is in burdened countries. It may be a clever ploy of yours to potray him as almost a "mute character" with hardly any dialogues to his credit to suggest to us, the going-ons in his mind - again a wonderful metaphor for the helplessness of those beneath the burden of such countries. Yet, since it is not entirely a narrative in third person account (the majority is, but dialogues are there, maybe we could hear Shekhar too...though his "muteness" could be a deft touch in itself. Somehow it has to be expressed, what he wants, thinks...the puppy in the prologue and his liking for sex does highlight the overwhelming need for affection (again making his parents leprosy patients unable to provide him with the "stroking" so essential for an infant is a masterstroke).

Second, maybe you are right in potraying him as a silent toy used,abused and told since birth without being given anything. This is where the potential for adding some "meat" to the interactions between Ramsingh and Shekhar comes in, and can be used to bring in Shekhar's point of view...besides the one sentence you have about his enjoying the fondling. This is a window to capitalize on to open Shekhar's mind. After all, this is the first time he is probably experiencing affectionate physical contact, very different from the roughness he might have known all along. What transpires within him....what changes, if any, germinate within him...questions, reactions, exploration...necessary to make the uselessness of it all more poignant by his anonymous death at the end. The uselessness of change and hope, discovery... in the minds of the silent pond-scum of an old stagnant country. Just my view...think about it....ignore if you wish.

Third, this is something I always suggest to writers using native terms, "bhajjiya" for example....it is always a good plan to add a glossary of terms either at the beginning or the end of the story. It helps to introduce and include the international audience into the local flavour. let them know what you are speaking about to actually live it, feel it, taste it...better than they form hazy assumptions. Explanation may not be required in the middle of the story, but a glossary of all native terms either before or after the story, methinks is a good idea.

And finally, a couple of para breaks...like when ramsingh is introduced to us...it could be a separate paragraph...it signifies a progression of the story, the next twig/branch so to speak....that calls for a para break. There are a couple of other instances where you might want to look at the para breaks.

I think, Varun, you are a promising writer with a future. Even if you do not become a pro-writer, do not give up this talent of yours (somehow I get the impression from your writing style that you are quite young, hence the tone of my words!!!! Please do not mind.

If any of these views sound offensive to you, just put it down to my excitement at finding a good, fellow Indian writer, and ignore.

warmest
prash
17
17
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Puffin,

This drama is not just for children, adults could find some use for it too. I did see a programme or two on Discovery channel that dealt with the issue in the play. The unbalanced nature of relationship between the Wendy and William cranes might be normal for that species, as in the case of Lions, Hyenas and so many others. I believe it is also true that there are Wendy cranes and William cranes in humans as well! A gentle reminder to children that that is the way not to be.

works

warmest
prash
18
18
Review of Outsider  
Review by Prash
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Luvtobe4ever,

Someone once said that life was an imitation of art....yes, not the other way around. I think it was Freud, I am not certain, and he said while suggesting that we follow certain common scripts in life that have been already dramatized, most detailed in the Greek dramas. This story reminds me of what I had read in that article devoted to dissection of life scripts.

We create an environment most suited to the way we feel and want it to be, irresective of what it actually is. Kathleen had long decided that her life was going to be a tragedy and she was a loser, and the only way she could fulfill that script was to exit in a glorious manner. That is her payoff in the little drama she keeps playing all her life....that of a brave loser. She might say she wants this and that, but she never makes them possible or allow them to happen because that is not the ultimate payoff....her payoff has been pre-set....nothing more glorious than dying uncared for, unwanted, unremebered and uncried for. That is what is the acme of her being.

I hope this is a supremely imaginative piece and does not reflect the authors normal thought process.

There are also a few typos...mostly spelling errors that the spell check tool can correct.

warmest
prash
19
19
Review of Beethoven  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Darcy,

Let me congratulate you on a nicely written short-story that explores the effects of parental mores in an inoffensive way. On the contrary, you have been sensitive enough to bring to the reader, the affection behind Marie's intentions to make Emily a ballet dancer. Perhaps that was all she knew as a way to secure a life and wished to see her daughter take it up and be "safe". That is common enough and is not always selfish of the parents as it is their desire (or fear of otherwise)to see their children happy.

Unfortunately, all too often, many of us forget to allow that degree of freedom a new being, a distinct individual, needs....Far too great an emphasis is lain on a few aspects in order to pre-decide the child's life with whatever resources the parents have acquired themselves. And that is when troubles crop up...when events force an unforseen change of script....the child, who may be an adult by then, struggles to find an alternative script, which he or she must write on their own, and are not equipped to do so. Motivational crises, depression and what not, ensue.

Yes, you have a beutiful story here. If there is a minor complaint from my side, I would have preferred lesser usage of the pronouns "she" and "her". It becomes all too confusing.

The situation is developed in the first two paras...the second sentence of the third para might be a good place to introduce the name ..."Emily's thoughts..." instead of "Her thoughts..." might just do the trick.

A reader of any story needs to identify the opening scene, location and at least one character fast enough for the story to grip the reader....if it is a longer version, like a novel or so...maybe some flexibility could be considered, but at least one character must be known on page one...in a short-story, it can be far more urgent, especially if the only two characters in it belong to the same gender.

Just my view which I felt would make this good story well-rounded.

warmest
prash
20
20
Review of Art Detour  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello BHB,

I'll add a genre to the description - comedy! It would be a perfect fit for humor in real life!
But your description reminds me of a movie I saw on cable a while ago, don't remember which, where there is this artist who keeps shooting down color filled balloons strung-up on the wall resulting in splashes of different colors, subsequently admired by someone else in the movie.

I remember thinking at that time, whoa! is this how they do modern art? Then what is modern and what is classical, art is art and color is intrinsic to human expression. Here in India, we have a festival of colors in the month of March, to celebrate the onset of spring....someone like Janice and Gordon would love that, and Darla of course.

warmest
prash
21
21
Review by Prash
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Sandstone,

A small disclaimer at the top is in order - I am not any kind of expert, love reading, write out of fancy, and mostly what I write is little more than error-filled trash straight from my heart. So make what you will of this review and I hope it serves a useful purpose....
Firstly, why would her father's voice and his comment come into her mind when she's rushing to join her class...no one commented upon her eyes/appearance, unless you wish the reader to know how her eyes looked and of her fondness for her father...that could be put in to the story at a more relevant juncture...maybe the second paragraph could be reweritten to include all of that....may I take the liberty of suggesting?

Presuming your consent, I proceed....so excuse me if I am mistraken...

"A conservative Midwest farm girl, Andrea's long, auburn hair brushed the lapels of her surplus store pea jacket.[good] As she ran, her bookish glasses slid down the bridge of her nose.[good till here - maybe this is where you could tweak it a bit] [A girl who rarely made eye contact unless she knew or liked someone, she smiled as her father's quiet, gravelly, Dakota wheat farmer's voice came to mind, "Andy, you shouldn't hide your beautiful eyes. They are as big and blue as the Montana Sky."][I'd say this could be deleted and re-written....(in coninuation with the sentence describing her glasses sliding down or as a new sentence) - "revealing her.(your adjectives)....eyes. [or to incorporate her dad's comment, you could perhaps insert a situation after her glasses slid off where she happens to catch her reflection in a windowpane etc.or some such thing as she's rushing by...pushes her glasses back up and smiles at the image of her beautiful blue eyes and simultaneously reminded of her dad's comment]

Just a comment.

Second, since you are building up the character with a certain amount of mystery about her, i would suggest you leave iot like that in the last line
" She returned a knowing smile, wondering what her mother, God rest her soul, would think, and how the other students would look at her if they knew... Just like that...with or without the ellipses.

That's about it from me...I only meant to be helpful since you asked for reviews...hope I have been helpful..

warmest
parsh
22
22
Review of Flying Pegasus  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Sarah Brooks,

A thoroughly enjoyable tale of fantasy.

I am a lay hobby-writer,learning along, and any observations that I offer are sincere responses tothe stimulus of reading an article. I could be wrong and will not be ashamed to admit if it is explained to me. So please consider the following views in this light and use/delete/ignore as you may wish.

If I may offer some observations; the frequent changes in tenses from the present continuous to past caused me to stutter a bit. There are points in the story, written mainly in the present continuous,like an event unfolding before our eyes, where that shift to past tense is appropriate, in most other cases it trips the reader away from the beautiful vision you are painting for him/her. To illustrate, a few examples, I quote:-

"A Pegasus horse stands at a grassy cliff which drops into a turquoise sea. He was a stallion of white, as pure and untainted as newly fallen snow. He allows the breeze to caress his mane and body, as it does with the jade grass..." [L2 in my opinion is a needless shift in tenses,if I may suggest, consider the continuity of the evolving scene thus - "He is a white stallion,pure and untainted as newly fallen snow" I say so because, he remains a white stallion subsequently in the story, that aspect of him does not change, does it? ]

"The Pegasus fought against
a black unicorn named Cobalt, and the unicorn won the battle and he was injured in the fight." [this extract is not about tenses,just a littlebit of trimming regarding the frequent use of "and" in the long sentence. A bit of tweaking can smoothen that out...there are one or two other such instances in the story]

The final two lines of S3, S4&5 also have this contradiction of tenses - something that seems to interrupt the "happenning live" effect you have adopted.A bit of tweaking will solve all the problems.

I hope I have been of some help.
Good luck for the contest.

Respectfully
Prashant
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Review by Prash
Rated: E | (5.0)
WD! This is creativeity at the best...a beautiful form poem giving us a foretaste of the festive spirit...Bravo!
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24
Review of DESERT WILDERNESS  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice one there! My experience with a desert came about in 1977, when I visited an ancient fortress in the Thar Desert in Rajasthan, India...that are is replete with a history chivalry, valour, colour, music, vibrant spirit in the face of hostile environment.
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25
Review of he walks  
Review by Prash
Rated: E | (5.0)
C'mon Peter! You say that you cannot often make out what you have written afterwards. That you cannot take a set and write it logically into a poem! Look at this -brilliant! I mean it. Fat man and confidence...who would have thought of it?
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