Help you? Well, OK I'll try, but to do so I'll have to be a bit --- well call it harsh. (or brutal)
Why is this a poem? What you have done is take a paragraph and space it out. There is no real pattern to the line length. There is no puncuation. (The main reason for punctuation is to let the reader grasp the way the author feels the lines.) Did you run a spell check? You change tense, sometimes it's "she" and sometimes it's "I."
In short, this is not too good.
All that being said, I wouldn't waste time on it if I didn't think there was some talent and ability behind it. You do create a striking thought image with "Take the shadow, Give me magic" That line alone is the redeeming feature here.
Don't try to capture something that other poets have slaved over for years. Look for new insights. "All I need is a friend," is old hat. Trading shadows for magic is new.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore it if you want to. Keep writing.
Well, to be frank, this presentation turned me off right from the start. I DON"T LIKE PEOPLE TO SHOUT AT ME.
I don't think, on a site devoted to writing, you should use the text message style. It's destracting here. I have no problem with using it on text messages by the way (not even BTW here). However, even in text messages a certain amount of basic grammar should slip in (Unless, of course, you are one of the D$47uU@dzzs). AND spelling does count.
That being said, I'll try to cut through to your general content. Even here I have to say there isn't much that is original. Noe that is not always a fault, if you can find a way to put an original slant on an old topic. The closest you come to that is:
"THIS is a very fact of todays time the person biggest fear is to meet himself or herself because he or she knows that he has given a very bad shape to its innerself just to move along with the society."
Which, I think, says "people are afraid to look at themselves because they know, at least inside, that they shouldn't have always gone along with the crowd."
Some wonderful images here. I especially like the very last line. "You will know my knock and let me in." A;so the shift after stanza three is real and feels right.
There are however some things which I feel would make this poem even stronger. Some are simple: add the word "and" in "--lift you up and carry you--"
Others are not as easy. The fourth stanza is awkward and weaker than any of the others. THE idea is there, but it not clearly expressed. If I may be so bold, maybe:
If God calls you home first,
Half of my heart goes with you.
Ever after, when I think of us.
Only a single beat will be heard.
A heart needs two beats to live joyfully.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore as you wish, but Keep Writing.
You pinned down a moment. The kind of moment that I call "life memories." That is, those memories which makes us who we are. The ones that define us. You picked a good one. That special moment, forever frozen in time, when "everything in the world seems---'right.'"
There are some problems however. In several places there are errors in grammar. For example the second stanza is a run-on sentence. At other times you get the modifiers Wrong. For example what you meant was the bags had the sandwiches in them. What you said was that the bikes have them. You also imply that the sandwiches then slipped out of the house.
Also sometimes your wording is awkward. For example the 1st sentence is better like this:
The chirping of birds adds a musical quality to the otherwise still air.
I'm not trying to slam your work. There is, as I said, a good poem inside this one. Work to get it out. Keep writing.
As you said, every poet writes about love. It's the ones who find a new way to say something that has been said over and over who get remembered. (You might look at #1350073 for one of my attempts.)
THE ideas you express are not new, but in at least a couple places you do give me a new slant. That is a good thing. "Love can be a thousand seagulls
Love can be the stars" is the best line in the poem.
On the down side, "Love can be anything you ask of
solace and despair" is the worst line. It simply makes no sense in the context of the rest of your poem.
This is a quite manipulative poem. It reaches out and tries to grab the reader by using images that, while often stereotypes, are still sometimes effective. The child being made fun of because the parent didn't come to family day at school. The child wondering if daddy ever thinks of her. The child wanting daddy at her wedding. etc.
That doesn't make it bad, but it does give it somewhat the flavor of a greeting card.
I'm being too hard on you. You obviously have the ability to write poetry, and the sense of rhythem and a feel for emotion. The image of the bubbles is very good and maintained very well. You just have to learn to avoid the trite unless you have some new insight.
Oh, a technical thing. The last two lines mix up the tenses. Just remove the two "will"s and it's OK.
A good telling of a type of thing that most of us go through at least once. In fact, all be it from the male side, i am writing about my fiancee breaking our engagement. I had no clue and I can identify with what you've written.
The biggest problem I see with your poem is that, while you say thing changed you don't give us enough to know if you changed or him.
Oh, and also you sometimes use "i" when you mean "I" and one you use "u" instead of "you."
First, you need a better proofreader. There are far too many errors in puncuation, grammar..and word usage.
A few random examples:
"[SIMON continues to have writers block. He twirls his pen between his fingers and stairs up at the ceiling. His roommate, DAN, walks into the room. He is a skinny blond haired kid. DAN is much more of a social student than SIMON. SIMON pivots on his chair to face DAN.]"
1 - it's writer's block not writers block.
2 - It's stares not stairs.
3 - Are college students "kids?"
Other misspelled words:
suppose (should be supposed) At least twice
its (Should be it's) Many times.
Spell checkers are dangerous.
Now I don't want you to think you did a bad job here, just a careless one. You have written a play. Not one person in 500 can say that. It does have its (and that time it should be "its") funny moments
Lots of good stuff here. Some very funny images. Not funny in the "laugh out loud" way, but funny in the "Oh yeah, I've been there" way. Also, I love the title. Wish I'd thought of it,
As I see it, the biggest problem is the presentation. I don;t think, until the last couple paragraphs, that any single paragraph is more than one sentence long. That;s he stuff of poetry, which this piece isn't.
Even more, the single sentence paragraphs are often run-on sentences. At least for me, that hurts the overall impact of the work.
Just my two cents worth, ignore at you leisure. Keep writing.
Not bad. I like poetry with refrains. (For one of mine see #1350073) THE forgotten puppet in the attic is familiar, but at the same time, unusual. I like what you did with the last line too. It made a good caper.
That said, there are a couple problems I see. They are "Why" questions. Why is the smile "illegitimate?" Why dose a child's laughter make it pray for death? (Is it alive at all anyhow?) In fact, wouldn't it be sad because it isn't being used?
Just so me thoughts. Ignore them if you wish. Just keep writing.
I like the story, but I wonder why you try to put it into the form of a poem. It seems like one that an old sailor might tell as he sits in a pub with his mates. Likely one they have all heard before but still like to hear.
There is a style you might consider if you want to make it a poem. Use blank verse, that is meter but no rhyme.
If I may be so bold your first stanza could be
Waking early in the morn
A sharp pain in me bun
Reaching back with fear I find
A boot stuck in me rear
That is a line of four beats followed by a line of three beats then another four beat line followed by another three beat line. She how the rhythem helps:
An honest attempt which expresses real emotions. Emotions which are universal,, yet unique to each couple.
That said, there are a few problems, for example the word "other" in line 3 should be possessive, "other's." And the line "To be the only thing,
that both of our eyes see and to let another,
come in between." would seem to be the opposite of what you mean. Also, why drift into sloppy words at the end, that is, why use "wanna" rather than "want to?" (I'd mention that the end has a very powerful feel to it. I like it.)
If I might be so bold, why not think like this
Forevers' what I want for you and me.
For us to always have eternity.
To spend each day wrapped in each other's arms.
To wake up together greeting morning charms.
And so on. It takes a bit of discipline, but you shoe the ability. Keep at it.
As an aside, you might take a look at my poem "To my wife of 43 Years"
I like what you are doing here. You have, in most cases, a good turn of phrase. For example " He's always marveled at how verbose his wife can be without uttering a single word." is clever and insightful.
However, on occasion you overdo the vocabulary. That is, you use big words when small ones will do just as well. "mandatory manifestation" and " felt her smile dissipate" are a couple examples.
Still, I enjoyed reading it. Feel free to drop by my portfolio and critique me.
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