Aside from the rather weepy tone there are some problems here.
Misspellings line 8 physic, line 10 your, line 13 were.
Lack of punctuation. Why not use it? It is the way an author guides a reader through the work.
Content - I may not have been fair calling your tone weepy. I suspect many people go through what the speaker of this poem is experiencing. When I was a freshman in high school there was a senior girl who just dazzled me. One day she asked me to help her carry a couple of boxes. That was the only time we ever spoke. I dreamed about her for weeks. TO the extent that my experience is what you were trying to address you did fine.
Still, the mechanics will work against you. Always present your best work. Yeah, I've made and missed typos but I always try to be careful.
I seldom review a poem I don't completely understand, but this one is intriguing so I'll give it a shot.
Let's get the obvious problems out of the way first.
The puntuation is veery poor. run it through a grammar check. Also you misspelled "Hear" in line two. Then there is the formatting problem, ,unless you intended those two lines to be far to the left and the one word way off tho the right.. I don't think it adds anything.
As to content, that's where it gets odd. What are you reaching for. Global Warming, the apocalypse, another terrorist attack, or just a loss of confidence in one's self? I could make a case for any of those.
Is the Earth a living organism in and of itself? If not how can it turn against anything, and if so, how do we appease it?
Those last couple paragraphs are what I think needs to be dealt with before presenting this poem again.
Still, you have written a poem and only 5% of the population can say the same. Keep writing.
What a neat little poem. It hits a cord and plays a note we have all heard.
Still, I do have a couple suggestions to make it stronger. Mostly they deal with word choice, except the first.
Why no puntuation? It is the author/poets way to guide he reader. I don't see what is gained here by leaving it out.
Now to word choice. Line two, maybe "had" rather than "seen,"
Line seven is the weakest in the poem. You might look at changing the whole line. (This is one place where puntuation would really help.) It could go "sometimes. But really" or does that change your meaning too much.
I do like the poem, but with work it could be better. Keep writing.
There is nothing like a dark, gloomy poem to brighten the day. Yours does a good job in that respect.
The main thing I see that you need to do to strengthen this poem is look at word choice or word use. A couple of examples:
First verse, "There's a darkness that surrounds me.
It's in all aspects of my life.
It opens me up to hardships,
And leads me into strife."
The word "It's in line two is unnecessary, The line reads fine without it. Also the word "up" in line three should go. Again, the line is better without It,
Most stanzas could stand a word being cut here and there, I'll take a stanza at random and we'll see. I rolled a die and got a six, so:
"I beg of you to save me
From the darkness of the ledge.
Please save me from the phantoms
That await me at the edge"
Well, the word "Please could go with no effect on what follows, (I admit it also could stay, but we are pruning,)
A last thing I just noticed, the meter changes in the last verse. Why?
All in all I liked the poem, but with some work it will be much better.
Just my two cents worth, ignore as you wish.''Keep Writing.
A difficult comparison. One man being compared to a generation? Maybe you should start by comparing him with say R.E.Lee??
Suggestions:
In the 2nd versed did you mean to write "change" or "Changed" since the second word fits.
Third stanza, the tree was in there bedroom and around their bed, not a divan. Or is this a place you were trying to move to the WW II generation?
Fourth verse. I don't know that "guise" is the right word. I now what you are after but---maybe
Oh, that I must use a masquerade
So my own son knows me not?
I'm not sure this makes sense:
"To you, I am but the unknown beggar,
Who, to confide in,
Is a secret never told,
With no remark given" It's the last two lines, or maybe the last three.
Don't take this wrong. I'm not ripping you, just trying to make the poem stronger.
Well, version 2 is better, but I think I see a couple ways to make it stronger.
Oh, and one mechanical error. I had a wrting teacher tell me "alright is alwrong." I think it need to be "all right." (I know alright is in the dictionary, it jsut looks ugly.)
The second verse is just not as strong as the first. Try to write what it says in prose. It needs something. I see two problems here. First, a shooting star is, by its very nature brief. Why would anyone want someone else to their shoot star?
Second, I really don't get the transition from "massive sky" to " wished on me" since the sky is implicit in verse one.
This is just a suggestion but maybe something like:
I gaze up at the massive sky.
I know you wished for me
And yearned that we could be.
But I was just a shooting star
leaving you a scar.
That's really not very good, but I'm trying to show you how to get at the transition.
That's my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
A good, if that is the right word, view of a condition that is still much misunderstood.
I do have a few suggestions for you to make it a bit stronger.
First, the word "bound" should be "bounds."
Second,, the line: "But none this creature is totally sound." must be missing a word since it makes no sense as written.
Third - "So we feel as the Gemini" is better as "So we feel like the Gemini"
Fourth - "And we are lost in the maelstrom of thoughts,
As sailors on the torrents of the sea."
Sailors are seldom lost during a storm, they are more tossed so I suggest you you "tossed in the maelstrom."
Well now, first off, proofread with a bit more care. There are quite a few mechanical errors and there is little excuse for theme.
OK, got that out of the way, now let's look at content. I've been on both side of the situation you are discribing. True, I'm a man, but much of what you write applies to us too. I did leave a girl who still loved me, and I had a girl break our engagement because she met someone else. I still feel bad about the girl I hurt, the other worked out OK since she came back to me and we have been married for over 40 years. (However, if I want to get myself in a really bad mood I can still call up the memories of the day she took off the ring.)
Now I don't want this to turn into a comparing stories essay so let's see if there are places in yours (other than proofing) that can be made stronger.
First, I'l suggest dropping the first three sentences. Just start with the "Love is an enigma"
Second paragraph:
"With love comes heart break and IT IS ON on that intriguing emotion I wish to speak. Love is a risk and (as)OMIT it is in gamble, (so it is with love.) OMIT It could go awry within minutes without prior notice. When love goes sour, heart break is the resultant emotion.(USE A COMMA AND COMBINE THE LAST TWO SENTENCES) And God help you if it's your first ever!
I could go on that way, but you need to be able to see those things yourself to become a better writer. Still, a few other things:
It's; "take it in stride" Not "strides."
"'cuz" is too informal for what you are doing, use the whole word.
"expecting a sense of fulfilment that only God can give." I think is a bit out of place in this essay. Love of God is a different type of love and falls into a different category.
I hope you take this as I meant it, an attempt to help you become a better writer. After all it is only my opinion, so you may ignore any or all of tit. Keep writing.
Very intense. Of course it only is speaking of one kind of love, the sweetly romantic kind. There are many other type of love, and I'll even limit that to two people. Still, I;m not here to tell you what else you need to write, but too see if we can make your poem stronger.
I do have a couple of suggestions:
First, add puncuation. It is a tool the author has to guide to he reader.
Second, the line "It has the voice of a light frizzle on a warm summer day" is a little silly. There must be a better word than frizzle, whatever that is.
Third, add the word "reflected" to the line "Love looks like the face of the moon on a rippled lake"
Fourth = look at the first line of the last verse. "Love IS the sweet scent of---"
That's just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
This really resonated with me because I was on the other side of it some years ago. (shameless plug - If you don't mind a long read take a look at my "Our Freshman Year" which is in folder #1377584 in my portfolio)
I went off to college and was still going steady with a girl back home how was a senior in high school. To this day I am sorry for the way I treated her.
Your poem likely could have been written by her.
All that said, there are a few things you might consider to make this poem stronger.
The third verse is unclear. I don't understand the last two lines at all.
The wording in verse four is very awkward and artificial.
The line "Once lit by blue stars called your eyes" is expressive, but also awkward.
This one may be picky,, but the lines:
"The only reminder a fire was there
Is their black and sooty trail."
bothers me because fires don't leave trails.
Finally, there is an internal paradox going on. In the first part of the poem you say that you must forget and that forgetting is the only cure, however, at the end of the poem you are saying his memory will help you be strong.
Still, for me at least, this was one of the more powerful poems I've read in a long time, and it gives me some insight into just what I did to a very nice girl. I guess I thank you for that.
The basic idea is good here, but your vocabulary overreaches itself. Several tines you use words that are almost right, or sound like the right words but are not.
Examples: "ails" not "ales" Ail means troubled, ale is a type of beer.
"Luring" not "alluring" Lure means to entice, alluring means to be look attractive.
Another couple of things to look at:
Likely it should be "winds" rather than "winding" and "carry" rather than "bury"
There are a couple of errors in the use of capital letters too.
Now don;t take this as a rip. I don;t review stuff that has no promise. This poem can be very good. Work on it and let me know when you have revised it and I'll review it again. Keep writing.
A good piece of writing. You ask a question evey one of us has asked. You also come to the conclusion most of us reach.
There are some very nice images and word pictures too. (Sometimes I lie. I know that's true." is very nice.
A couple of suggestions that might make the poem stronger, and they are just suggestions, feel free to ignore them if you wish:
Everywhere else you are quite personal, the line "Would they hold up in court." is rather impersonal. maybe "Do even I believe them all the time." keeps it more internal.
You don't need the apostrophe in "Somedays." In fact it should be "Some days"
I'd just lose the line about actors. (See first suggestion.)
In the line "Can I brake the spiraling cycle---" is your goal just to slow it down "brake" or to end it "break?"
Still, I don't know if you are good or not, but the poem is. Keep writing.
Well, it's as much prose as poem but you do create some very nice word pictures. (The child's giggle as apparent happieness is a good one.)
The third stanza asks a question in the first two lines and the continues the question in line three but veery awkwardly. Maybe just start the last line the same as the second??
I admit, I don't get the image you are after at the end. Paraphrased it reads We are told everything we need to understand again,a, before time stops." It makes no sense that way either. I'm sure you had a concept in mind, work on it.
Just my two cents wort, ignore as yu wish. Keep Writing.
Well. not a lot that is original here. I mean this type of poem comes out of all of us sometimes. You do have a good word picture.
I am a little confused about one thing. When I first read it I thought there was a statue or picture you were looking at. On second reading the first verse seems to imply that the angel is real. Or maybe jsut real in your mind.
See, even poems that are on common topics can cause the reader to ask questions. And that is one of the things poetry is for.
Minor mechanical thing. The wording of the last sentence is quite artificial and awkward. Maybe rework it?
OK, I'll give you a review of, at least. this prologue. You write well and you can tell a story ---BUT---you let your love of words sometimes get in the way of the story and that's not good.
The following are some examples of what I mean. Notice, they are not usually errors in mechanics, just in word use.
Let's start with the very first sentence. A horde is a huge number and yet you use it in the plural. I have no idea of how one would determine that there were several hordes rather than just one.
2nd sentence. Torches have flames, not specks.
3rd sentence. Awkward A better version is maybe "They closed in on him, banners of a hundred kingdoms leading the way."
4th and 5th together "He gripped his sward tightly and, even knowing her would die tonight, his laughter sounded above the noise of the approaching throng."
Well, maybe you get the idea. It's the KISS principle at work. If I'm uncles just ask and I'll try again.
This is just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
An interesting idea. We are the darkness and the monsters inside take many different forms. I like the confessional repetition of "Forgive me father for"
A couple errors in mechanics: The fourth sentnece is quite awkward. I might suggest
The deep voice and calm reassurance of the priest filled the air the warmth only an elderly figure of authority could create.
Also, this may be over the top:
‘Lies!’ his shout thundered through the empty church, bouncing off the arced wooden ceiling and reverberating from the beautiful stained glass windows, ‘I have never –
It's just too --- well---- too loud.
Still, I liked this, Take my two cents worth as you wish. Keep writing
Well now, the mind of an artist sort of begs the question. You say you have never met an artist. Hum, if this can be considered a meeting, now you have.
The mind you are discribing seems to be that of Van Gogh. I've seen his "Stary Night." In fact I had a copy over my desk for twenty years. I'm sure I've seen a scene lit by a streetlamp from him too.
The point, anyone who says they are an artist is an artist, like being a writer or poet. IT's a self actuated phenomenon,
Now that says nothing about quality, but that's a discussion for another day.
I did like your piece, but as a specific, not a general look into the mind. Keep writing.
OK, an honest attempt to capture a moment. However, you hurt the piece by very poor proof reading.
Baseball is, by far my favorite sport. You show why in this.
Now, I'll point out a few of the errors in mechanics, You need to do better there if you aspire to be a writer. IT does matter.
1st sentence is run-on.
2nd sentence is very unclear "Jimmy or Ron and pitcher"??
3rd sentence "the" and 'Then"
4th sentence is a fragment and it "their" not "there"
And so on.
Now don't take this as a rip. I am trying to help you improve since you must have an interest in writing or you wouldn't be on this site.
Very nice. In your last line I'm sure you want "seems" not seams."
As an "old" man I know the feelings you are expressing, except maybe the next to last stanza. Did you mean whisper "to" or whisper "around?" The second would seem more near your theme. People do whisper when they talk about the elderly, but they seldom whisper to them.
A very neat capture of the sort of things we save, which mean (usually) nothing to anyone else. (I do think you meant "toot" not "moot" in line two.)
The second stanza is a little hard to fit in. I mean after all, who keeps a house and a river in a creaky old trunk? Then I decided you must mean pictures, if not, please explain.
One suggestion, consider the word "unwanted" in the next to last line. It carries a meaning that is not really in the same flow as the rest of the piece.
An interesting take on a very common topic. The line "neither of us had the strength to be true to our love" is the essence of first love. It's new, it's wonderful, and, there are other people.
Still, as you say, something is special about the first love and we do remember it as long as we live.
Now, what can me done to make this a stronger piece? Well, proofread with a bit more care for starters. (example - 5th line from end "meant" not "ment."
And why not use punctuation? It's purpose is tole the writer guide the reader, why ignore it?
Anyhow, I liked the sentiment, and you did have some nice images. With work this could be a very good piece.
Very interesting, and some striking images. I like the "firefly on a moonless night" in particular.
The only problem I see is the fifth line. As written it make s little sense. Maybe do you mean "I'll give no answer to the plea?" That would fit with the rest.
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