I always wonder if I should ever review a work the author says is very close to the heart. I worry that criticism will be taken as an attack.
I assure you that is not what I'm doing here. Some of your images are very striking This one is very effective:
"I just want you to know who I am.”
Who I am; I am…
Not him.
Not her.
Not you.
Not me."
Now how to explain the one problem I have here. I guess just jump right in.
I don't think the whole thing supports it's own weight. You are after the "authenticity of perceived reality" but you use real things to show---what?
How do hummingbirds, keys, snakes, cages, and things like that show a lack of reality? By their very nature thay are real.
I'm reaching here, but maybe you'll see what I'm after. The poet Wallace Stevens wrote a poem which starts:
"The houses are haunted by while nightgowns.
None are purple with red spots,
Or blue with yellow stripes"
I should have looked it up but that is the general idea. When you move away from reality, don't take it with you.
That's all I've got. I don't review works which have no promise and I think this could be a very powerful piece. If you can use anything I wrote fine, if not, that's fine too. Keep writing.
Actualy this is exactly the way someone who is almost 17 does act, maybe even should act.
That aside, you have couple of very good images here. I expecally like: "If you were magic I'd buy a locket and amke you my lucky charm."
Suggestions for making this stronger -
first, some word choices. "profile" scans better than "eyes" in line 5. I'd put a "you" in the middle of "for a" in line 6. Again, for the scan, I'd change "muscle filled" to "nicely muscled."
Second, the general meter of the poem. I always read a poem aloud before I reveiw it, Yours has a few problems in that it diesn't run smooth, That isn't hard to fix, the few suggestions I made fix part and with a little effort you should be able to see the other places,
I can answer the question you asked in the last sentence. NO! It is not a sin. My best friend is my wife to whom I have been married for over 43 years. And she has been my best friend for at least 46 years. God is good.
Now, as to your piece in general, very good. Just a couple suggestions, and they are on the picky side.
The lines are short, so those two lines in the middle break the symmetry of the work. Maybe that was your intent, but I found it distracting.
The other is a word choice. In the section:
"Flirtatious smiles are exchanged
As I become more captivated
Deeply enchanted
In complete awe of the individual
I see before me"
You have been using a hypnosis motif so the third line might better reflect that if it reads "More deeply entranced" since entranced is more hypnotic than enchanted.
That's my two cents worth. Ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
A rather lever poem but it's hard to imagine getting along without "c" sine it is a rather major part of our language. still, I guess I an see where yu're omin from.
Now for me, the large setion of the language overs things to do with "c" and also as I need to.
I mean think of all the words wuth use :c: how wil we onuntgate? How will wae amke opponrnebrs
Of course you are entitled to write any way you wish. That's part of what living in a free country means. However, if you continue to use "your own style and your own form of grammar structure" No one will have any idea what you are talking about.
As long as you are satisfied with that, then do whatever floats your boat. Just be aware that, other than this one, you're not likely to get many reviews.
Well, a truly heartfelt piece. It seems you maybe started thinking of it as a poem since there is even internal rhyme and rhythm.
I'll assume you are writing from the heart since wether the events are true or not, this has the feeling of reality.
Still, since I'm a reviewer, not a therapist I'll offer a couple of suggestions to make this stronger.
First - Break it into more than one paragraph. Give the reader time to catch his breath.
Second - Drop the name "Rob" since no one (but you) knows who is being talked about. It is jarring to come upon a name so near the end. Just use "he" or "I" or whatever pronoun fits.
Nicely done. A good, insightful way to look at ourselves outside of our own bodies, but still to be very connected. Also a couple of very good images. I especially liked "as she took her final breath,
and cried her final tear"
Just a suggestion or two. There seems to be word missing in the first line of the7th verse. Also the 4th verse is weak, it doesn't hold together as well as the rest of the poem.
Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
A very nice insight into friendship. Indeed friendship is made up of "times." In the future likely you will not stay together. (I keep in touch with only three people I went to high school with and we live hundreds of miles from one another.) But when you do get together a lot of conversations start with, "Remember that time when---"
I wasn't sure about the use of capital letters in the last couple of lines, but that's picky. All in all a good read. Keep writing.
Niki, I think you may have a good idea here, but your format is very off-putting. By disregarding any rules of capitalization and punctuation you have produced a piece that is very hard to get a handle on.
If I had to guess what you are talking about it seems to me that either a father or a brother has gone missing. A father if I was forced to pick between the two.
Rather than give a review of mechanics just let me close by saying I don't review items that have no value. You do have something to say here, Work on it and I'll be glad to take a lock at a revised version. Don't be discouraged, keep writing.
After I read this I wasn't sure if I wanted to review it or argue with you. I'll do a bit of both.
Novels tell stories about people who never were and events that never happened. Nonfiction is real and dramataic. Now I won't insult your intelligence by arguing that all nonfiction is great, but then not all novels are created equal either. I always would rather read about real people and real events. (A blatant plug Read my # 1377589 and tell me if it isn't intersting.) Now don't get me wrong, I also read novels (Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein is something I suspect you would like.) But I hate to see you cut yourself off from 50% of all literature.
Review - Mechanics, you clump everything into one paragraph. I'd guess there are at least four paragraphs there. You don't use enough commas, they don't cost anything and they help direct the flow of a sentance. Also, you often forget to start a sentence with a capital letter. Mechanics count, pay attenton to them.
There is a nice sense of pathos here. It rings very true. (And don't think guys are immune to these same feelings.) The sense that people wants to be who others want them to be, but at the same time want to be recognized for who they are. Good insight
A couple of things I can suggest, the forth verse has a very rough meter and is hard to understand, it needs work. The fifth verse has a typo 'I'm" not "i'm."
In general the biggest flaw is the meter. (rhythm) Just read it aloud and you;ll see that the flow is awkward at times. Otherwise, a good poem. Keep writing.
You have some very clever images and structures here I especially like the last three lines. A popular song during the Nahm was "We Godda Get Ouda This Place (if it's the last thing ever do) Your poem reminded me of that song.
Just a couple picky things. "Everyone" is singular and should have a sigular pronoun. (His rather than their.) And shouldn't it be under the bed rather than into it?
Well, I can give a shot at a review. You handle words well. The story itself is a little disjointed since we come into it in medias res. (The middle of things) I know you are trying to make a connection among storms, rage, and actions. The very fact that I know that means you have succeeded at least in part.
The line "---the mind talking on a realitry all its own--" stopped me. My first reaction was, "Hey, good line." Then I thought about it a minute and realized I didn't know what it meant. It still sounded good, but it wasn't clear.
You use a very odd turn of phrase in, "I meant not to scare you." The convoluted word order adds nothing but another place the reader stops, and you don't want the reader to stop.
Finally the paragraph that starts, "No my good man--" is kind of obtuse. Maybe it was just the "my good man" but it lacked the proper horror that the events described would seem to demand.
Just my two cents worth, ignore them as you wish. I wasn't ripping you. I was trying to help and to be honest. Keep writing.
I'll review it, but I'm not sure just what I'm reviewing. Is the sentence at the end true? If so a review of the poem is a bit pointless since the author is not going to benefit. If the sentence is not true then I'm missing a back story which might inluence how I evaluate .
I'm just going to take it as a poem and go from there.
The overall image is striking and clear. Love can endure, but there is a limit, however, even the limit can be raised if the love is strong enough.
Suggestions to make the poem stronger? Just a few.
A couple of the images are --- well--- are strange. For example I don't think :
"Awash in quiet lonesome
on a melancholy night"
says anything. "quiet lonesome"??? What is that? It's two adjectives in need of a noun.
or
"Tempests, tears and sorrow,
are signs you find
when you ask for time"
I have trouble getting around that image. What kind of sign and why when asking for time?
Still, the overall flow is very good and I think the intent, even of the lines I mention, is valid even if they don't quite say what they are trying to say.
Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
My favorite type of poem is one with a repeating line. If you look at my portfolio you will see that I've written a lot of them.
You handle your topic very well. It's hard to write well about things that you are deeply involved in. No, that's not what I meant to say. It's not the writing that's hard, it's the effort you have to put out to do the writing. (Is that clear?)
Anyway, I like what you've done.
Suggestions for strengthening the poem - well, a little puntuation would help the reader know how you want the lines to be grouped. That's what puncuation is for. To let the author guide the reader.
Also this couple of lines are unclear:
"Or if you just wanted it like he told you
When he let you know the morning after."
I think it's the "When he let you know" that is the confusing part. Let you know what?
You have a way with words. I mean look, if we put this in simple English we get:
"I fell in love with a liar.
It was a mistake.
One day he felt guilty enough to tell me.
I was crushed."
The way you tell it is much more dramatic.
Suggestions to make it stronger? - Well, a couple picky things, In the first line insert "a" before "destructive." It makes the rhythm a bit tighter.
The word "penetrating" doesn't mean cutting. Maybe change either "penetrating" to slashing or "cuts" to digs?
Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
Not original, but very nicely done. You have created some excellent images and called to mind some wonderful experiences. I especially liked "have you laughed in the rain and felt warm in the snow"
A few suggestions to make this piece stronger.
First - Keep to the rhyme schema. You lose it on the last three lines of the second stanza.
Second - In line 3 change the word "and" to "are."
Third - Capitalize the first word of each line.
Forth - In the first line of the second stanza the word "bring's" should be "brings."
Fifth - The line about "equipped with a bat" strikes me as just a reach for a rhyme with no real regard to content. Maybe rework that couplet?
Just my two cents worth, ignore as you wish. Keep writing.
It's funny, but you ruin a lot of the effect by very bad proof reading. Putting a space between each line would help the reader too.
Sill, the bad proof reading is the real problem.
First - I is capital I when it refers to me. Never i, unless you are a beat poet.
Second - Sentences end in periods.
Third - Sentences start with capital letters.
Forth - spacing, "lether" should be "let her"
Fifth - "shes" should be "she's."
BTW, this is not a rip at you, I'm just making the point that on this site most people feel that standard conventions should be followed unless there is a reason not to. All you needed to do was run a spell and grammar checker and most of the problems would be gone There is even one on the site.
Don;t be discouraged, It really is a funny joke. Keep writing.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ralrac/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 11:25pm on May 16, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
