I'll respond but I don't feel comfortable rating a man's life.
I know what you mean about having to write. I do a lot of theater (armature) and I have one published play. Someone in theater (I think a famous British actress whose name escapes me) once said,"Don't let your children become actors, discourage it in every way you can. Espesally if it's what they want to do.. On one ever should become an actor because he wanted to. He should only become an actor because he had to.)"
I think the same thing can be said of writers. What you described I wrote about in my #1354081 from my portfolio.
Well, I'm rambling. I just wanted to drop you a line saying I enjoyed getting to know you. I'll add you to my favorite authors list and gradually go through your portfolio. Anything in particular I should start with?
A couple mechanical things - "wove" should be "woven" and I think you need "and shall BE by my children." It makes it a bit clearer. Oh, and "serve" needs to be "serving" too.
As long as I'm being picky I'd suggest starting the second line of the second stanza with "But" rather than "And."
I do like the concept and presentation. Take my advise or ignore it as you will. Keep writing.
This isn't bad, but it is stone cold. First the mechanics, I think it would be a bit stronger with more punctuation. Punctuation is the author/poets way to tell the reader how to interpret a line.
Next the technical - Very good here. Rhyme and rhythm are solid and the images very clear and show some real insight.
Finally the content. Here the review gets a bit uneven. I'm puzzled by your use of the word "you" so often. Who is "you?" Surely not all wars are bad. Did 400,000 US troops die in WW II pointlessly? Who was responsible? Who is "you?" the draft notice starts out, "Greeting, Your friends and neighbors--" Who is "you?"
See my problem? I need a focus. Otherwise, as I said, good, but stone cold.
Well, not as gloomy as you may have intended. Seems to me that if they got married when she was 18 and she died at age 72 they had 54 years together.
The image of the cuckoo clock could be taken to mean they had a funny/enjoyable life together.
Time passes and you show that very effectively. Growing old is not for sissies.
The ending is clever "some very square landfill/" Though it might have been more realistic if the landfill was rectangular.
Other suggestions? Well, maybe a couple stanzas between 21 and 72. Maybe a bit sharper punctuation since that's how you tell the reader how to interpret the lines.
All in all a good work, maybe still a bit in progress.
I don't mean this in any negative way, but these could be signs in almost any high school football locker room. (Well, except for the "Explore the frivolous wonders" one.)
What it needs is something to pull it together. As it is, it's a series of generally good statments and advise. If you could end with some specific statement that ties things into a neat package it would be much stronger.
Maybe like "Do these, and others like them, and the world will be yours."
Just my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish Keep Writing.
Love poems are both the easiest and the hardest to write. Easiest because the emotions are real and very near the surface, hardest because it's hard to find any thing new to say .
Well, not exactly, typically love is the same in general but unique in particular. Everyone in love is convinced no one has ever felt this way before.
That said, your poem isn't bad at all. Especially it's good when you deal with the coming and going. THE feeling of reunion is one of the stronger love emotions and you express it well.
I will point out a few problems but some of them are kind of picky. First, these lines:
"Our fire, love, and attraction is so unwavering and intense,
As you close the door behind me,
Welcoming me into your quiet, decorous home."
They are incomplete. You start Our fire--is so--intense etc but you don't finish the thought. So intense that--what? (Is that clear?)
Also the word "decorous" just seems out of place, as does the phrase "soulful belly"
Oh and "Alright" is "Alwrong" it should be sll right.
Still, I liked your effort (If you wish you may look at my #1350073 for one of my short love poems.)
I am impressed. This is very moving. It shows a love of family that transcends the ordinary.
I guess I can only compare it with my feelings towards my father. He was and is my standard, my ideal. I never have lived up to the standards I set him at, and as I age I've come to realize I likely set them to high. Still, every once in a while, I'll meet someone and after I tell him my name he'll ask are you Bob's boy? I seldom stand prouder. (HUmmm there may be a poem in there someplace.)
But I'm rambling, sorry, as to your poem"
Context - clear
imagery - excellent
style - very good, you use a few contractions, I wish you had used more. The feeling of comfort lends itself to a more informal language.
Rhyme - not applicable
Rhythm - very good
Over all- one of the best I've read here. The first 5 I've given in over 100 reviews.
What an interesting idea. A revolution by the nobility to overthrow the revolution by the commons. Historically it would be a lost cause, but for some reason people always like lost causes.
If I remember my history a man named St.Just was the real power behind the guillotine running overtime. Robespierre was the spokesman. They both ended up shortened.
The poem itself isn't bad, but there are a couple things I'll mention that you might consider in a rewrite. Why lose the rhyme in the forth stanza? All the other stanzas have rhyme.
Also a little more puncuation would have made the poem easier to understand. That's what punctuation does. It lets the writer show how he wants the lines to be stressed and comprehended.
All in all I liked the poem, with a bit of work it would go from good to very good.
Maybe a valid concept here. There are some grammar problems that interfere a bit. "clocks" should be clock's for example. And while I'm on that line, I don't think second hands tick, clocks tick. Minor, but caring.
The ending somehow represents a sense of safety and promise. Is it justified by the rest of the poem?
I ask these questions, not to show you how bad the poem is, but to make it better.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore it as you wish. Keep Writing.
What an odd idea. Afternoons are magic for young children, the time to play outside, to run as if they will never stop. To yell ,and shout, and laugh, and just be kids.
Afternoons on a beach in the summer are glorious. The people, all shapes and sizes, the waves, the clouds, the gulls.
I could go on but you see my point? Afternoons are not the solitary, reflective, empty time you describe.
That being said, you have a areal gift for the sounds of the English language. I'm impressed by the images and metaphors you use. "children extracting every bit of joy from their last recess of the school day." is inspired. and "The long shadows of afternoon sunlight play between the leaves of schoolyard trees and the ghostly music of clanking swing chains hang in the air just beyond stillness" is striking. (I think you meant swinging not swing.
So what do we have here? A good writer playing around is my guess.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore as yo u will. Keep Writing.
Well, it's an interesting concept. However it has a couple flaws that hurt the effect you likely want to achieve.
First, the lack of punctuation makes it hard to know when you intend a line to end. That's what punctuation is for. To tell the reader how the author/poet intends the lines to be understood.
I really had to struggle to grasp the idea behind stanza five. It seems to say "when you were with me it felt like we were together." In fact, that is what it says. What I think you mean is "When we were on line at the same time it felt like we were together." Right?
Anyway, it's a good insight, but it needs some work. Keep writing.
A love poem. There is an odd thing about love poems. First, using this one as an example, there is little that is new here.
You have two good images "Candle lit by compassion" and the backwards use of the fallen angel. (That is, usually a fallen angel is one who has slipped into sin, not fallen in love.)
THE rest is common in love poems. Does that make it bad? No. Nor does that make it good. It's very hard to write a truly good love poem (My # 1350073 is an attempt on my part) Mostly they are rather all the same.
Then what is odd about them? Easy, the person writing it and the person it is written for (in the best of worlds) think it is new, different, and unique. The fact that it's all been done before means nothing to two people in love. And it is new, different, and unique for them. Thaat's the wonder of love poems, always the same yet always unique.
OK, fine, I'm having a bad day so I need a nice cheerful poem to lift my spirits. This is not quite that.
What exactly do you want? a critique of mechanics is what I do best so let's start there. In this case it's easy to see the biggest flaw, your disregard of punctuation. Punctuation is the writer's way to tell the reader how to interpret the lines. Look at your first Stannza for example:
"As I travel through this world, living so far behind my blinded eyes
Searching for the reason, I’ve longed so hard, now to understand
I’ve finally discovered why love can’t be the answer
Why I’ve been pushed down this road
So far away from any, I’d ever thought I would know"
Four almost random commas and no periods. We don't know if you intend to say "living behind blind eyes" or "blind eyes searching for the reason." Either is OK, but which did you intend? Can you see why punctuation is important? The whole poem has this problem.
Let's leave it there for now. If you want to add the punctuation I'll be glad to review it further.
BTW Don't think I'm slamming you. If I didn't think this piece had value I never would have reviewed it in the first place.
I'm not sure what you want here. AA review of the story or a critique of the poem. I'm better at the critique so I'll do that. IF you want the other let me know and I;ll give that a shot.
OK the poem. Well, it rhymes and that is a plus with me. Too many aspiring poets just jump into free verse without ever learning "the rules." Knowing them lets you know how to break them effectively.
The rhythm is another matter all together. You vary it at random and sometimes it rings sour. this one is quite off the beat:
"Swollen and pale,
the body that's me is lifeless and frail.
Empty are her eyes
until I return to face her cries."
The number of syllables in each line should be consistent, or nearly so. I mean the 1st line of each stanzq should have the same number of syllables, and so on.
Oh, that stanza I used as an example is a very good image.
Jut my two cents worth, ignore it s you will. Keep writing.
This is ire really insightful. The best of yours I've read so far. The first two stanzas are stronger than the last two, but that's a minor thing and in no way hurts the poem.
What does hurt the poem is he absence of punctuation. Punctuation is used so the author/poet can guide the reader. Without is we are left on our own. That is the only reason I give you a 4 instead of a 5.
Still, I like this, I will likely steal a couple of the images for my own use. Thanks.
Well, what do you want to know about this? If your foal was to be depressing you made it. It's hard to say I liked it but then I didn't dislike it or I wouldn't be writing this.
There are a couple problems I see, though I don't know if fixing them will improve the poem or not. First, the almost complete absence of punctuation is distracting. The purpose of punctuation is to make clear the author/poet's interpretation of a line. Without it we are left on our own.
Minor typo in 3rd line, should be "He's"
I also have a bit of a problem with the lack of a motive. Why is he so lonely? What happened to make him this way? You really ought to give a clue at least.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore as you will. Keep Writing.
Honest sentiments, but punctuation would have been nice. Punctuation is used so the author/poet can tell the reader how to interpret the lines. It would have helped here. For example, does line three go with line five or does line six go with line five?
All so I'm not sure just what you intend here. Unbalanced lovers is a good title, but this seems more like broken up lovers.
On paper this sounds harsher than i intended. This poem has some promise. It just needs work.
If you like,, that a look at my #1350073. It is also a love poem..
OK, it's a sort of semi-sonnet as it follows neither of the traditional forms. That's not bad, just not typical. Your rhyme scheme is ABAB CCDD EFFE GG. Very unusual.
As it happens I've been working on the sonnet too. You can find several in my portfolio.
You kind of toss off college life and then say it was the best time of your life. Now, I don;t know how old you are, but I'd think it a shame if i;d already had the best years of my life before I was older than 21. Downhill from there? That could be a long trip.
All that aside, you do have some nice images in there. The student government-loss of innocents is very good.
The first line of the 3rd stanza is weak since the stress falls wrong.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore as you wish. Keep Writing.
What a mice, heartfelt work. The love and devotion shows through on almost every line.
Now, if that is all you want to do then this is as good as it gets. BUT, if you also want to be a writer/poet then here is some advise.
First, don't reach for rhymes. Let them be natural. You really don;t want a line like the last one. No matter haw much you love your kids, they haven't set you free, they've tied you down. (Not a bad thing, but not the same as being set free.)
Next, work on tour meter. (rhythem) Read the poem aloud and you will see that some of the lines don't flow naturally. In a formal poem there is a pattern to the lines, usually set by the number of stressed syllables.
FOr example:
twas the NIGHT be fore CHRIST mas when ALL through the HOUSE
not a CRE tur was STUR ing not EV en a MOUSE.
The caps show the stressed syllables. Or:
I've HEARD the STILL ness OF the NIGHT
the STARS no LONG er FILL my SIGHT
different pattern, but still consistent.
Now look at your poem. See the difference.
Try a rewrite and I'll be glad to take another look.
Just my two cents worth. Ignore as you wish. Keep writing.
I'm working my way through your portfolio. This one is a bit strange, even off.
You struggle too much for the rhyme, often at the cost of the rhythm.
The 4th stanza is just incomprehensible.
Here is my version.
There once was a lady named Janet
Who ruled all the hags on the planet
She started a fight
They all joined with their might
And Janet got rich like she planed it.
OK, I'll give it a shot. Now remember, this is a review of the writing, not a therapy session.
First, the emotion comes through. It's not so much original as universal. Everyone has felt this at some time in his life. I admit, most of them, not to the extent the speaker of this piece has.
The rise and fall and rise and fall is very good. It shows an internal structure which gives the piece stability.
Another good thing is your ability to create vivid images on abstract subjects. "I couldn’t give up my dream to embrace the one emotion that had eluded me for so long, but my pursuit had slowed down to a mere crawl." is an example. (Maybe a bit long, ,but a valid feeling.)
That last parenthetical brings me to what I see as the major problem with the piece. You overwrite. Saying something in a long complex way, something which could be said simple, is wasting words.
Further, there are often internal inconsistencies. For example, you start with the pain of an empty heart, but add detail that shows what makes the heart heavier. They should show what makes it painful.
Still, it's a valid piece of writing and one that, with work, could be a very good piece of writing.
A good idea for a poem and I'm always glad to see poets using rhyme and meter. Too may aspiring poets just use odd spacings and call it poetry. Free verse is OK in it's place, but you should know the rules before breaking them.
There are a few problems which detract from your poem. In order:
Stanza 1 is OK
Stanza 2 is odd because it seems to say you could have kept in touch with the dead. I don't think that is what you meant.
Stanza 3 The last line is obviously not what you intended. It makes no sense.
Stanza 4 uses a different meter than any of the others and I see no reason for it.
Stanza 5 Diverse ideas and literally you put God below us rather than up in heaven.
Stanza 6 I'd reverse are and probably. Also, I'm too lazy to look it up but I think it should be "was" not "were,"
All in all not bad, but still a work in progress. Keep Writing.
My 1st impression is that I have no idea what you are writing about. THE stanzas themselves, as individual units, are OK, but what holds them together?
I don't see much connection between the stanzas except on the broadest level. You do cover the senses, Hear me, see me, touch me. But that isn't the point of the poem.
The point, if I can get a hold of it seems to be I'm unhappy, comfort me and if I die remember me. Is that close?
It's hard to tell you how to improve a piece like this. It's very shortness keeps you from having the space to change it. This may be as good as it will get.
Still, you have written a poem and only about one person in one hundred can say the same thing. Write on.
This is just my two cents worth, feel free to ignore it as you wish.
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