hello there. I am not the best at grammar and punctuation, but I believe you should look at the use of commas with the way you write. It would also be good to study present and past tense in each sentence. Otherwise I liked the story a lot, and could picture it happening to a couple of co-workers.
Keep up the good writing.
Randy
Hello there, I am not good with reviewing for grammar or punctuation, but I saw no problems there. I also liked the train of thought. It is similar to my own way of thinking. You made valid points and threw in some humor as well. Overall it was a very good editorial.
Randy
Hello there,
I do not understand the technology of poetry, other than rhyming. But I did like it. My only question is whether she is the Earth from the beginning, or she is a woman compared to the earth as a center of the universe?
Randy
Hello there,
I enjoyed the story and have only the complaint of sometimes the stream of consciousness was a bit off putting. Other than that I could understand the story very well. I am not good at critiquing punctuation or grammar, but the story flowed well, and am intrigued enough to want to read more.
Randy
Hello there.
I liked your story a lot. It flowed well and did not stagnate in the middle. The prompt of "what do you think" fit well with the written story. I am not good with grammar and punctuation, so I will not grade those. As to the first sentence, I liked the hook.
Randy
Hello, I finally found time to read this story. I started it awhile ago, and got distracted.
The story is well done, and the premise is very hopeful for he reader with a hint of loss to the protagonist. The questions I have is if this story will continue in a sequel, or ever be part of a larger story? Otherwise I do appreciate it standing on its own.
How do the kingdom and his homeland differ?
Might you be able to explain a bit more about the land he is resigned too?
As I said-wonderful story, I would like to see more of your imagination.
Randy Ames
The story is wonderful. I like how the story starts with a short description of Alice, her brother and the name of the town. The immediate conflict of being alone and fending for themselves is good to get the reader emotional. The rest of the story, where Alice sets her plan in motion and acquires a family for her and Jay is heartwarming. I hope to read your other stories soon. Randy Ames
Wonderful story!
I am afraid I am not trained in technical, but I liked the story very much. My only two comments are on the change of viewpoints. There does not seem to be a delineation to separate when the wife talks.
Second is the ending. It was not enough for me to understand whether time had reversed and he was fifty years younger again, or if he and his wife had traveled back in time to the night she disappeared.
If you have a moment to explain I would enjoy hearing it.
Randy Ames
Overall was very good.
As to first and thrid person...each was very good by itself.
The question I have is to the identity of the first person protagonist. Was it the same Alex from the thrid person section?
If not what was the intention of the two sections?
Was it simple experimentation, or are they parts of a larger story.
You have me intrigued. If you would reply to the email I am going to send you I would appreciate more info on the characters.
Randy
Hello there.
My training in technique is limited, so I will review for what stood out.
First-the story line is good. I liked it alot. I am curious to see where it goes.
Second-keep tenses consistent, and learn everything you can about vocabulary. It will help in the long run.
Third-If I am correct, photographic memory means to actually see written words in your head. To remember everything that has been said or seen is eidetic memory. Confirm which one you wish to use and go with that.
Fourth-you could show Janie's deepest emotions in the first scenes if you describe how her good memory acts against her as she tries not to remember her brother's face as he falls and is hit by the vehiclet. A detailed description of her raw emotions caused by this inherent ability would hit the reader hard and not let go.
Like I said I liked it alot. Keep up the good work.
Randy
The Dark Lord sat cross-legged outside his favourite cafe, it's rolling canopy shielding him from the last of the waning suns rays, and sipped at his evening cup of earl grey.
-The word rolling seems out of place unless the canopy was actually moving.
However, our Dark Lord was no fool; he knew that in time all good things come to an end, so he decided that it was time to step down.
-Having our Dark Lord written seems to include a subjective thrid party narrative instead of the objective thrid party narrative for the rest of the chapter.
No loose ends, no fuck ups.
-adding a contemporary curse word seems vulgar compared the Dark Lords more civil thoughts.
Also having no description of the meetings other occupant, even only a name, makes for a confusing and aggrivating anouncment that foreshadows nothing in the rest of the chapter.
Randy
Hello VMC_4, I review for likability and flow as I am not trained in syntax, sentence structure and the like. The story starts off good and continues on well. The set up is long on mystery and I am waiting for the rest of the story to play out.
As to half the size of a normal teenager- I like it as I have been reading about primordial dwarfs on the internet. So this intrigues me to know if I am right in my assessment of if the Protagonist is a halfling or pixie, other fairy creature.
How long is the story to be- as the introduction of the character seems to go on for a long time in my opinion.
And the funny thing is, I couldn't be far from normal-For some reason this phrase throws me off. It seems like a double negative comment.
Otherwise I will check back for another installment.
Randy
I liked the story. It was written well. The emotions of the characters were done very well in my opinion. Really the only problem I saw was a simple typo.
'I sat down my book'
should be 'I set down the book'
As I said I liked it a lot. Keep up the good work.
I review likability and emotions more than technical...The story was great, the twist about lidia's death caught me by surprise, but went with the flow. That was good. I think lidia's fear could have been more immediate if you used more active voice when she was frightened. Otherwise it seemed that a thrid person narrator was just telling what he saw. Other than that, Keep up the good work
I review more for likability and emotions than technical...I liked the story, but felt confused by the lack of explanation of why a well known spell for mundane owls hunting in such elevated numbers is so important. If the story has a continuation I could see this as a lead in, but it throws me off as it stands. Keep up the good work.
As I am still learning the techniques of writing I will review as to the likability and the emotions i felt. I liked the story very much. It flowed well for me and as I read I wanted to see what happened next. I like predictable endings and therefore liked yours. Keep up the good work.
Overall impression was wonderful. Tips for improvement are only typos. Otherwise the descriptions was great. I write prose not poetry, so I believe that the words used was good enough to evoke emotions and imagination in my mind. I like that it simply did not end and could engender a sequel.
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