Hi,
You did a wonderful job of showing what it feels like to try to love, and not be loved in return. A person that is the non loving partner can read this and actually see themselves. I have myself been in this type of relationship and would have loved to have this visualization to show the person what they were doing to my heart. Write On!
SLove
Hi,
I seriously loved how you put this poem into perspective of loving someone that cannot love back, or refuses too because they have been broken. It is amazing that this poem is one that anyone that has loved and not been loved in return can pick out stanzas that relate to them, or zoom by the ones that don't. Very good visualization! Write On.
SLove
Hi,
This was so amusing and very on point to how friendships grow. Through the storms, the good times, through it all you put the feelings about friendship in the context of words that is splendidly done, however, this line..."We hoped there were some way to fix her,
some way to cure our dying tree." I would try to find a way to keep from repeating "some way", it is the only line that I didn't get the flow that you have going throughout the rest of the poem, but for the rest, don't you change a thing!
Write On!
SLove
KUDOS!
This is an absolutely wonderful poem about growing up, and the title was so fitting. Thank you for this look into what could be happening along the way of this path called maturity. I especially like how you flowed into the possibility of failure but did not leave the reader without hope of getting up, doing better then finding themselves. Write On!
SLove
Wow,
All I could think of is, WOW. I had to read this twice. The first time was to pace myself through the magnificent flow of words that you so elegantly put down on this paper. The second time was to revel in the delight of reading about this person who for all intended purposes was my first crush. (laughs) This guy is so beautiful that I smiled at him, wanted to be with him, wanted to follow him out of the room into the shadows. You did what writers are supposed to do, draw in readers and catch their breaths if possible. You caught my breath and made me smile. I will be re-reading this often. WRITE ON
Hi,
I really enjoyed reading your story, your imagination is so wonderful! The one thing that I would be mindful of is dialog. When your characters speak, remember to separate the talking from the lines that are being written, for instance,
"Miles eyed the log that Margaret had placed seeds on for the yellow bird.
“Look Margaret,” Miles pointed at the pile of discarded shells, and tried to sport a little humor.
“That bird eats just as messily as you do.”
They both attempted to laugh, but they each knew that they would feel uneasy until they were back in their own courtyard.
You need to separate the lines and also, in this same text remember that you do not have to repeat the same thing to get across your meaning, as in..."Miles eyed the log that Margaret had placed seeds on for the yellow bird." and then you write..."Miles pointed at the pile of discarded shells, and tried to sport a little humor." I would suggest saying, Miles eyed the discarded shells and pointing them out to his sister said...This way you say it all in one line instead of repeating. However, this is a great story! I really enjoy stories about how children can overcome obstacles on their own.
Hi,
This poem started in the right place, halfway down the page. When I began reading it, I actually felt like I was already floating. Good job on capturing the reader. My favorite line has to be how you put "more vastness" after you were already floating in vastness. That was a brilliant way of connecting those lines. The entire poem floating in the center of the page is absolutely genius in getting the reader in the frame of mind of space and floating. I truly enjoyed this poem and would not change a thing.
Write On!
SLove
OMG, so? What happened? lol, This one really pulled me in because my name is Rhonda, and I have had 4 children, so I know about those cravings. Thank you for being here, as I have said you are becoming my favorite writer to visit. I remember sending my husband for McDonald's chicken mcnuggets at 2am. They had just started opening all night Mickey D's in our city and I loved to dip them in vanilla milkshake. Please tell the tale, if it is in the list I will find it!
SLove
You are so wonderful to post this amazing, and much needed, lesson. Many times I have said in reviews, "show don't tell" , because it is so much easier to just stick a sentence into a space instead of elaborating on what is being said. Many writers that find their stories are lacking that "something" would do well to read this. I will come up with some of my own and from now on give examples as you have done. Thank you so much for this.
SLove
Wow, this was truly deep, especially the last stanza. Please correct the word "fill" to be "filled". The only part that I could not put a feeling to, which is okay when writing poetry, is the line.."unexpected turnovers". However this is really soulful about our expectations of time and what it means when we are going through something that seems like its going to last a lifetime, but, this too shall pass.
Hi, I enjoyed reading the tale of the blueberry sky. You may want to check some of the grammar but not that much. However, the tone and pace of the story was rushed. I would have enjoyed more back story about the brother and sister, possibly some landscape details of where they lived, who they were in a little more detail, and when they went into the forest, the telling of the tale needs a bit more imagination, it gets cut off too abruptly. This could definitely be a great story, but it needs more fine tuning. Take your time to develop your characterization and I am sure this will develop into a really great read!
Write on!
SLove
A silly hobby indeed! But like you so eloquently put it, hard work is what gets the job done, is what bring your naysayers to say "well done". This is a very good job, it depicts so much more than one sport or art or anything that someone wants to be the best at or damn near the best. Well done!
SLove
My heart was filled with sadness but also of empathy. I too lost a son when he was at a very young age, so I know the pain of losing a child. My son died from cancer, non-Hodgkin lymphoma, before they found the cure back in '89, and that hole he left in my heart gets smaller but never really closes. Writing about him helps as I am sure it does for you, keep up the good work. The emotions are so clear and deep! Good Job
SLove
I really like the concept of this story, the only thing that I think that I would have to say in a negative manner is how it is structured. It really made my eyes hurt with the tiny font, and that would have been okay if the structure was a bit more welcoming. When you insert dialogue please use separate lines so it is easy to read and tell who is talking. It is important to make sure your audience knows who is talking of they will get disinterested. However, great story, it made me laugh!
Now take a class on content structure and you will have a great piece on your hands.
Slove
Awww , this was beautifully written. One day in the future, when she is old enough to read, you daughter will be so honored that you thought of her so well in advance. Some of the lines are repeated, I didn't know whether this was intentional due to the style of the poem or if you have a run away word processor. Whatever the reason, you pulled at my heart strings! Well done!
SLove
I would like to encourage you to read what you have written over at least twice before submitting it. In my very first Creative Writing class we had to learn to show not tell. It makes for longer reading and more interesting reading. In this piece the overall concept is very good, I love the story and where it could go, however you have to be able to show the steps by step okay.
Slove
I really needed this story. I was sitting in my chair, crying not long before I read this because both of my sons are in dire straits at this time of year. I had to smile at the part where Don prayed and then sat still for a minute. I too have said so many time to my sons, pray and be still and God will take care of the rest. Thank you for this story, even thought it was something as small as a parking spot, it spoke volumes of the fact that the Father in the heavens hears even the little prayers we mutter.
This has got to be the best damn thing I have read in a long time. I laughed, I gasped, I even pondered whether or not you were telling the truth, you weren't were you? Oh well, if you are, I totally understand your reasoning, but please get some much needed help. (laughs again) Keep up the good work and congratulations on your win!
SLove
Hi Santa,
These bluebirds are lovely. I am presently working on children's books, and had decided to start taking art tutorials. I found some really good ones on YOUTUBE.COM and when I saw this illustration I had to compliment you on it. Congratulations on your Bluebird series and keep up the writing. You are inspiring me to keep taking the art lessons and to keep writing. Thank you for being here!
SLove
This is an awesome article. It really gave me a review of what I had learned in my creative writing class on the spot. Thanks so much for the time you took to give this to your group members!
Wow! I loved this, all I can say is, MORE! This can be a part of a collection of youth driven short tales in a book, or made into a larger book, the story is definitely there, and the stanzas planted between each paragraph were really cute and scary at the same time. Big Ups to you for making me smile and get chills at the same time!
SLove
The use of the phrase "I saw" was extremely overused in this piece. I would try to really concentrate on developing the grammar related to this writing so that it would not seem that you are all over the place. Also, remember that when you write a story such as this one you should try to "show" instead of "tell". It can be difficult, but it is doable. One other thing, when you finish a piece, read it aloud to yourself at least twice, if you can, record it and listen to how it sounds to you. This will help you with your grammar, otherwise, this is a good start and will make a good book someday.
Hi,
Not only am I laughing my Ants off, er...A** off at this, you should definitely write comedy for a living. Hell yeah you are on the right track, as a matter of fact, why not give us 5 ways to kill bedbugs since they are the latest horrible annoyance, and believe me there is tons of material out there. Thank you so much for this, it tickled me silly!!
SLove
Hi,
I really can sympathize with the little girl in the story, and that is what you are looking for, readers that can feel her need for her mother to be more concerned about her. However, it would do you well to put your thoughts down on paper before creating the entire story, give a little more back story for your characterizations, and limit telling instead of showing. As writers we must show what is going on in our stories, because when we tell what is happening things can get a bit choppy and seem like were listing things. This has the making of a really good story, how bout start with why she lives with her grandmother and grandfather as opposed to living with her mother, and go from there.
Write On!
SLove
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