You are my favorite Newbie to date! This poem has struck me in an uncanny way and I appreciate it immensely. You have done a very nice job weaving scenery and showing off skilled word play. This is short, but well worth reading, I hope other members can appreciate it as much as I did.
Thanks for sharing.
Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
*New Member of Captain's Crew*
Wow. This piece hits me hard. I have not seen my father for the past nine years, and have spent the better part of my life without him. After reading the beginning of your piece, I cannot help to know where the rest of the story is going to lead. With a start so similar to my own childhood, I am quite intrigued. Many other WDC members will find this of interest as well, I am sure.
I saw that this sentence might need some review: My mother never mentions him, and when she does, she becomes all ridged and cold and comes up with the lamest excuses ever.
Perhaps consider a revision like this: My Mother never mentions him. When she does, her body becomes *rigid* and cold, and she dreams up the most unbelievable excuses."
Just thought I would run it by you for consideration.
Welcome to Writing.com. Keep creating!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
*New Member of Captain's Crew*
Reading your lyrics made my own awful high school experience come flooding back to me. You speak of a very real torture that takes place for kids. I remember it was agony for me to get up and go to school every morning. It can be easy to misplace those bad feelings but writing is always a great outlet. You have transformed these ill feelings into a heartfelt song. Cool!
Should "you done see" say "you don't see..."? Just wasn't entirely sure, so I thought I'd run that by you.
Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
*New member of Captain's Crew*
I am so glad I read your piece. It is a refreshing piece of wise hope that everyone should see. I too, have a dream for young people and everyone alike to live peacefully together and to see the bright side of life. You have a knack for writing, and I do hope you continue to create.
I picked up two tiny typos: Natuarlly and interferrence. Other than that this work is set!
This is a very nice song that you have written. It is gracefully spiritual. I would love to hear it to music! I encourage you to continue to create and let your faith sing out!
Welcome to Writing.com!
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
I am sorry to see that you are having trouble navigating Writing.com. It can be a little confusing at first, but you will soon get the hang of it! I haven't been here but 2 months and I have become very well acclimated. There are lots of nice people here willing to help, and there are how-to pages, and forums where you can ask questions. Hope you stick around to see how great a place this is. You can learn a lot and have a lot of fun. Try the "Getting Started" link in the upper right of the page.
This is an interesting piece. It is short, yet carefully woven. The reader easily imagines him or herself walking in this imaginary field of majestic grass. You have taken a unique artistic view.
When reading, I tripped repeatedly over the phrase "persistent perspective." Perhaps that was planned, but I had a hard time with it.
I am glad I decided to read your piece. In it I found vivid description and you employed imagery that was eloquent and realistic. It has a meandering feel to it that is unique and interesting.
I feel that perhaps "...game of Hide and Seek" reads easier than "game of Hides and Seeks" but that may just be me. Other than that this was a comfortable read.
I searched for "abstract" and happened upon your poem.
Somewhat abstract, perhaps. But I certainly would not say that it was without structure, balance, a clear beginning or end. It has distinct features and a comfortable rhythm. It rhymes well right up until the end. Then it does not rhyme, but still it doesn't bother me. I like the piece. You're welcome to come over and check out my port anytime.
Your poem is quite a powerful display of sorrow and pain. It details your everyday struggle to get through life, only to still hope for an end to it. I can identify with your feeling that life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to, and many of your readers will understand/relate too. The fact that you are writing about such heartfelt troubles shows strength and courage.
On an editorial note, I noticed that "then as i sit there" should have the "i" capitalized.
I also saw that "cries of anger an hate of anguish and sorrow" should say "and" instead of "an."
Thanks so much for sharing your work. With some fine tuning your work will be polished.
You have written an interesting piece, and I enjoyed reading it.
You have done an excellent job with character development and creating the atmosphere. I am particularly fond of this powerful description: "A strange smell was coming from the creature across from me, like a tart decay."
The journalist seems painfully average. The waitress is
simple, working class. Mr. Hitchens is big, sloppy, greedy, slimy, and filthy rich. Vivid.
In this part, you need a space before "In my...""And it’s an honor to serve you Mr. Hitchens.”In my weary state,"
I also noticed that in two places the spacing gets a little screwy. I think that for better readability, you may want to do something to rectify that.
Overall, I was pretty impressed by your work.
Thanks very much for sharing.
I am glad I read the prologue, because after reading chapter One, I'm hooked. I will be stopping by shortly to check out chapter 2 (and probably 3 and 4). I like how things are coming along. You use vivid descriptions.
**That’s three working girls in less then two weeks detectives.I think there should be a comma before "detectives."
I really got a lot out of reading your poem. So many of your readers can relate to this. If not more literally, then at least we all understand running away from things in our lives that challenge us.
I especially thought these lines were a good touch: "...reading my favorite book
for the seventh, maybe eighth time..."
For some reason, (though this is entirely up to you) I would feel more closure if there was a period at the very end.
I think you did a great job.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
p.s. - You're welcome to come over and check out my port =)
Though "Medium Coffee" stands on its own quite well, having read "Renee's View" makes this piece whole to me. I appreciate you showing this to us. I am moved by this piece, truly touched. Thank you.
This is an incredible account of a cat and a Father both mourning in their own way. It is more than worth a reader's time. I'd rate higher than 5 if there were such a thing.
This letter speaks volumes to anyone who has ever endured suffering at the hand of another. I'd like to thank you for pouring your emotion out so neatly to the friend who struggles. And for those never plagued by abuse - everyone needs a guardian angel.
I noticed this: Fate would prove us to different to last.
You might consider revising to read:
"Fate would prove us too different to last."
Other than that, the piece was carefully woven, and you have no other grammatical or technical errors that jump out at me.
Thanks very much for creating this piece.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
This heartfelt piece is wrought with pain. It brims with real life demons and details the awful case of a comatose girl who is taken advantage of and becomes pregnant. There is a legal entanglement that ensues and we can only imagine what the family goes through.
I would like to commend you on a job well done. You have aptly filled your reader with intrigue, and though uncomfortable, we yearn to understand. I as your reader, read and re-read, hand over mouth, in awe of what was being said. This is quite a powerful piece.
What is CNS?
Thanks very much for sharing.
Sincerely,
Delores L. Haze
I enjoyed this poem. I read and reread it with furrowed brow deep in imagination enjoying the vivid imagery you employed. The contrast of the first stanza to the second is like light and dark. Yet, it is well woven. Metaphoric.
Thanks for generating all these helpful ideas. You have laid them out for me very clearly, and I will benefit from them greatly. I strive to be a great reviewer. You brought up many very important points of review that are sometimes overlooked.
This is a very interesting piece. It is daring and pointed, and waiting to snag someone. I love the way you have weaved your socio-political views so neatly into this short poem. Gosh, I thought I was going to hate it when I first started reading and I saw all of this strange strong imagery. But really, I like it. Particularly this part:
NeoFiltered NeoMeed'ya,
NeoWars: WeNoCanSeeYa
Your style is very creative, and fresh.
For readability, I would find it easier to use something besides those arrows. A Hyphen maybe? I'm not sure, but you should mull it over.
Times, they are a changin'!
Thanks for sharing,
Delores
Angel,
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt poem with us. Growing up is a tough, yet beautiful life experience that should be celebrated and written about. You do a good job depicting the complexity of life, its ups and downs. I noticed that you may want to revise the last line where you say "Their only teenagers" to "They're only teenagers." Just a thought. Nice Work.
Happy New Year,
Delores
Caveman,
Great poem! It is short and sweet. It is descriptive and generally lighthearted. Your syllables are carefully metered and your use of rhyme is well done. I had a hard time deciding how to rate this piece. I feel that it is well composed, but I feel it still could use some development. There is something about it to me that seems out of balance - or that in some part it needs something weighty. I don't have any ideas of how to change your work, I just wanted to suggest turning it over in your mind a few more times. On a whole, I enjoyed your poem and I encourage you to keep creating!
curve,
You've written a very heartfelt poem. You have done a good job describing the agonizing ins and outs of having a family torn apart by alcohol. It must have been tough on you, but you made it. That is something to be proud of, and your work on the matter is something to be proud of as well. Thanks for sharing.
Happy Holidays,
Delores
I have thoroughly enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing your feelings and ideas with us. I really liked it because I love to dream. Every night I look forward to the incredible adventures that await me. Perhaps you look forward to dreaming, too. Your use of rhyme was nice and you cleverly mentioned a lot of things, carefully working them in. I would like to commend you on a job well done. Perhaps regulate the punctuation placement a little? (ie a couple stanzas end with a period some don't, that's all)
I wanted to thank you for making this word search. Perhaps its style is not for me, or it was challenging in a way that ruffled my feathers. But, because the words were so small, many of them appeared a few times more than once in the puzzle. I appreciate your interest in small things, as tininess intrigues me as well, but after I gave it a shot I had to give up early. That is unlike me! But I would say please, keep creating.
Happy Holidays!
Sincerely,
Delores
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