Laughing out loud! It was such fun to read. Made me feel vindicated on Heather's behalf! Very cute and well done for how young you were when you wrote it! I love silly and whimsical writing! While reading this I thought Yeah! Now somebody understands my imaginary world! LOL
The only comment I have about improvements is that in a couple of places I had a hard time telling who was making which comment. Some of the spoken parts are too run together making it hard to tell who is speaking.
I love that you had such a wonderful handle on story telling at that tender age! Thanks for sharing this with us!! Rhonda
Hello Princess congrats on having won the fantasy contest. I know it was a long time ago but I can see why it would have won.
I enjoyed the flow of the story very much. The character of Keletha is very well rounded out. She is easy to see and to feel her thoughts and emotions. Following her through her ordeal kept me involved in the story. You did a wonderful job of presenting her fears and how she managed to overcome them each time.
I'm a life long fan of J. R. R. Tolkien and I can relate your story to his presentation of elves.
I did think the name Jelarer is hard to pronounce. Just my opinion. I think Jelar would be easier to pronounce.
There were a couple of sentences that were on the long side. It creates a better flow if the sentences don't join together too many phrases.
To her surprise, it had changed color, to a deep brown-green, and had acquired a hood that she gratefully put over her head, trying to block out the snow and cold.
There were a couple of sentences that were on the long side. It creates a better flow if the sentences don't join together too many phrases.
My version - To her surprise, it had changed color to a deep brown green. It had acquired a hood that she gratefully pulled over head to try to block out the snow and cold. When you put commas around words it seperates them from the original sentence, If you read the sentence with out the words in commas it should be a complete sentence.
Another one - This one has 3 seperate phrases strung together with commas. The beginning word And is a connector with nothing to connect to. There are too many connectors for one sentence with the prepositions and the commas. It makes the flow choppy sounding. There is no need to seperate the word "too" from the rest of the sentence.
And righteously angry she would be, too, if Keletha had been given the required three opportunities to turn back, and then tried to sneak away.
She would be righteously angry too if Keletha tried to sneak away after being given the required three opportunities.
This is only my opinion of course. I am a bit picky with sentence structures. It was drummed into me in high school by a very sweet teacher LOL.
I totally enjoyed your story. I love this type of fiction. I will look forward to reading more of your work!! Thanks so much for letting me read about Keletha's ordeal. Rhonda
Hello Flyn- thanks for letting me read your poem. Poetry is my favorite form of writing.
some of my favorite lines are - a faint plop as leaf sheds a drop and I sit damp on the rope swing.
Your imagery is really impressive. I grew up playing in the timber so this is evocative for me of my experiences under the trees. I enjoy the various descriptions you used and it is such a gentle peaceful experience.
I know I'm supposed to give you something to improve on but I don't see anything I'd change. :)
Love the way you put this poem together. Hope to read more of your poetry! Thanks Rhonda
Your story is very riveting. Watching as Jon worked through his situation was very intriguing. Finding out his role in the story was very unexpected. I really enjoyed it.
I liked Jon at first and could understand his obsession with his art. To finally understand he had gone mad was a surprise! The way you presented the plot was well done. I love mysteries and this was fun to read. I also watch alot of CSI and NCIS etc LOL Love the genre. I can totally understand this plot.
Now for my comments. Take them as you will as I am by no means a pro at this. I am just a writer who knows what I like.
1. The beginning is great! I like how you highlighted the light with the dust.
2. I notice that most of your sentences fall into the same pattern. You have 3 or 4 phrases all put together with commas. This creates a too long sentence and is very repetitious throughout the story.
I suggest try to break your sentences down and use no more than 2 phrases at a time. Also never start a sentence with a preposition such as But -
for example:
" Against the walls, across the floor, stacked in some places to the roof, there were copies of Elsa in various states of emotion. Some showed her smiling, others pensive, still others showed her crying. But she was there in all of them, making his studio look like a house of mirrors, all reflecting that one beloved face."
Copies of Elsa were against the walls and across the floor. They were stacked in some places to the roof. Various states of emotion showed her smiling and other pensive. Still others showed her crying. She was there in all of them, making his studio look like a house of mirrors. All of them reflected that one beloved face.
This allows the reader to deal with shorter amounts of info at one time.
3. I think you have a really good grasp of metaphors. I really enjoyed the use of them throughout.
4. Why is she confused when she sees him? Is he disheveled in appearance or is he acting strange? She agreed to stop and talk to him so why is she confused? What makes her uncomfortable?
5. You don't have a complete sentence with Still, he thought. I would use a second comma here so it becomes - Still, he thought, maybe the next one could be the last.
6. This may be way off the mark but if he is mad and so unhinged then would he sigh? it sounds too gentle an emotion for him. With a groan maybe? As in he is upset that he still hasn't gotten it right. A sigh is such a gentle sound and he is not a gentle man.
Finally I really enjoyed reading your story. I think it is excellent. It has a good plot with an unexpected twist. Thanks for letting me read it!
Very enchanting rhyme! I really enjoyed the rhythm of this piece of poetry. I love rhyming so this is just excellent! Read outloud it is great for kids and adults who feel like kids! It's a feel good piece with a bit of nostalgia for a slower paced life with less troubles.
Thanks for letting me read this! I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Nice feel to the poem. I generally like poetry to have a rhythm and this one is not really rhythmical. I like the idea of the poem.
I think I'd like to see more stanzas maybe a bit more exploration of the changing world. I think the repetition is great but I also feel there needs to be more in between the repetitions. I do see the stanza counts with the 1 line then 2 lines then 3 lines 4 lines and back down to one line again. Maybe if you added a couple of more stanzas in the middle? Just a thought.
You have some excellent stanzas here. It is a fun and funny piece.
I think it would be improved if you gave some thought to deciding on a set meter for each stanza. some lines are 7 some are 8 or 9 and some are 5. Now if this is what you want it to be then ignore this comment! :)
A few words are not ones I would choose but it's not my poem. I would prefer to see a better word in place of imaginated. It sounds forced to fit the rhyme. I'm also not sure what blissed is supposed to mean.
Well done. I really enjoyed the tale. Your descriptions are done well and I can see the action as it unfolds.
The only real comment I'd make is I didn't think Martha would curse. Most of her generation didn't and especially a woman of her age wouldn't. so I would change the line about she cursed the rain for her knees. If you keep this line you could say -silently wincing at the pain in her knees.
I loved reading this as the cat won George over! Now I'm curious if he keeps them LOL
You do have a way with words. I so enjoyed this. again I can't see anything to change. It is a great poem and it speaks to the essence of who you are. I learn from others like you in how you presented this poem. I haven't seen one done this way before but then I'm not knowledgeable about poetry forms. This was really interesting to read!
Oh I LOVED this!! I love nonsense stuff and this is so good!!! The alliteration is exellent and I can't find anything that needs to be changed. I am going to save this one so I can find it again. I love this sort of writing. It is the type of thing I do in poetry.
And I have to say that this nonsense writing makes perfect sense!! LOL
I know I should give some sort of inspiration for making it better but I just can't. It is great!
Oh yes I've been there done that! It is a huge job for sure. I love the humor you bring to this poem. It is funny and very well detailed. I can see those boxes piling up and can remember the days waiting and hoping to get them all sold and out of the house! Your descriptions are spot on.
I always enjoy rhyming and you did that with the best of them.
The one thing that strikes me is you use the word "and" a bit too much at the beginning of your lines. I would like to see some other word used instead of "and" so much. a time or two is good but too much of a good thing is not so good. Especially when you also have "and" within the lines.
I loved it and I have thought this myself. how to create something new when there is all likelyhood that others have already come up with anything I can think of. I enjoyed your conversation and it is very well described and written.
the only thing that strikes me is your listener should make a comment at the end of your story. I think he or she would have something to say there as well as along the way. Even if it's just to say he understands now what you are getting at. or he disagrees and still doesn't see it.
You have written 3 good size paragraphs at the end while earlier on you have your listener respond to smaller paragraphs. It breaks up the flow nicely and I think you should have him also comment with in the last 3 sections. Just my opinion.
I so enjoyed the humor of this piece. It is so well written. The message hidden within the story lines is mesmerizing and so satisfying to see him get taken down a peg or two. A wonderful revenge for a wonderfully un-thoughtful husband. LOL I hope the dance lessons were greatly appreciated by both of you! LOL
wow I am impressed. so many don't see the hand of evil in the world. I had to read it twice to make sure I was getting what you were saying. it is very well done. I see alot of the occult in your poem. Makes me think of a lot of the events that have happened as in the James Jones suicides and the more recent Towers. I hope your poem will be inspiration for more to understand there are false prophets amoung us. thanks for the great read.
Funny my husband just mentioned he saw where they legalized marijuana in Iowa recently.or in the process of it.
I enjoyed your poem! so true in what you say.
just a couple of things to comment on. Since I see several lines do rhyme I wanted to comment on that.
Your rhymes aren't consistent. you don't rhyme every two lines or every first and third etc. I think it would read better in my opinion if it had every two lines rhyming. I say 2 lines cause that is what you have mostly. Just a couple or so are out of line with the rest
Flashback when we were in high school with our backpack
now they're in school flashing there snap backs
smoking weed living it up are just the facts
they don't know that their price is paid including tax
what happened to us being respectful and eating apple jacks
we should stand up and raise them right - doesn't rhyme with the one above
so they don't end up in jail everyday and night
wishing they could just end their life also doesn't rhyme with the one above
forget the drama cease the strife
I'm blessed by God I have a wife
A wife and a little baby boy repeating wife is too much here. In my opinion Try - He also gave me our little baby boy
Jesus gave me that every bit of Joy.
Don't know if this helps you any but I hope it gives you something to consider. I enjoyed reading your poem thanks!! Rhonda
I enjoyed reading this. Your relationship with Jesus clearly comes through your words! The flow of the words is really well done.
The only comments that I can offer to improve is to make sure all of your sentences are complete with a noun and a verb.
A friend that sticks with you through thick and thin?" is not complete. It is a description without any action verb. You might put a comma at the end and add the second sentence to it joining them together. It is just my opinion however and you should write it the way it sounds best to you.
Or a better version would be:
Have you ever had a friend that sticks with you no matter what happens and is there through thick and thin? Then you haven't .....
It is a good thing to balance the nouns and verbs. I sometimes have a tendency to make sentences too long and I have to work on that LOL so it is all in interpretation and how you want it to sound.
I so enjoyed the content of this piece as a Christian myself. I hope you continue to write many more!
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