*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rittmans
Review Requests: OFF
31 Public Reviews Given
134 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Lady D
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Sarah,

Obviously with a five star rating,twenty-six reviews and a ribbon, you know how good this is so I don't have to tell you that.

What I can do, is tell you what made this story perfect to me.

First of all the mile markers. That made the journey very real. You have a wonderful gift with words. I am in awe of your talent.

My favorite parts, the ones that made me catch my breath though were these.

It’s funny how things made impressions on me as a child that never even register to me now as an adult: how huge the leaves of rhubarb are; how the gold and silver colored crayons always look better as crayons than on paper, where they make a suspiciously dull colored smear; how important it is not to turn the T.V. off until you see
every last credit on the last television program you’re allowed to watch before you have to go to bed; how fun it is to just run; how great board games are; and, above all, how beautiful a lighthouse is.

This brought back my own childhood memories very vividly.

I snap the radio off in disgust. Every song since I left my mother’s house has been about love: lost love, unrequited love, rediscovered love, good love, bad love. Isn’t there
anything else to sing about? What about world hunger? Poverty? The space shuttle? Anything at all? Or what about real life? Like your husband leaving you for a younger woman, moving to Brazil with her so that you will never get a dime of child support? Then you find yourself penniless at thirty-five years of age and have to move back in with your mother. How about that? Or how about when you finally find the courage to date again, and meet who you think is your soulmate and fall in love and then he tells you --and then he tells you--


I found this rant very realistic and easy to relate to.

I see his existence as a dot on a map, because I know where he lives. I have been in his house, in his bed. His point is glowing red, waxing and waning with his heartbeat. With every mile I get farther and farther away from that point, but I cannot escape from it completely. I still judge my position in relation to that point. And in the silence of my car, the laws of physics warp and bend so that I am both moving away from him and moving toward him, but never able to pull even with him. Never able to get past him. He will always be on my distant horizon, whether he is far ahead or way behind.

I found this brilliant!



I remember running my fingers along the muscles on his back and thinking of rocks caressed smooth by the current. He smelled of the river, especially after we made love; a deep, watery smell that comes after millions of years of being sucked up into clouds, condensing, falling back upon the raw earth and working its way back to the river, returning to the ocean to be sucked up again into the air. An ancient smell. I would lie in his arms, just inhaling, and feeling as though I was breathing in his very soul.
There are no words for a love like that.

And yet you somehow found them!

I try and avoid the mirror in the bathroom, but I see myself anyway. My flaws fill up the whole of my reflection and then overflow the mirror, spilling onto the filthy floor for the world to see and trample on. There’s a grey hair at my right temple, probably due to my eldest daughter’s first attempt to ride a bicycle. There are deep crow’s feet around my eyes. Who is this sad, middle-aged woman? What she calls her life is a joke. I rush out before I can see anymore.


Again so easy to relate to. You really nailed the middle-aged woman thing. I find it hard to believe you are only twenty-five. When I was twenty-five I could not even fathom what it would feel like to be middle- aged. I thought I would be young forever. *Smile*

They grew up and became adults; complicated, sour, splintered. And this house could be any house. It doesn’t glow magically in the soft light of evening. It is only special in the hearts of those who grew up here, and those hearts are older now. The air mattresses are gone, the rocks that formed our faulty fish tanks lie once again flat along the bottom. And the river has no memory.

I love the last line here, so poetic.

I feel sorry for them. Their flat view of love. Their selfish pursuits. Then I think of the river, the deltas of my decisions, the tributaries of my troubles. I am so large, that I will not even know all of my own branches.


The ending gave me chills it is so beautifully written. I hope you don't mind me sharing my favorite parts in a public review, I didn't give away the ending. I just want everyone to read this I liked it so much.

Thank you for sharing it and KEEP WRITING!

L.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



2
2
Review of Bed of Tears  
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (4.0)
Baset,

I liked this poem. Especially how you touched on the fact that people get uncomfortable around the tears of another. They don't know what to do. I loved the line:

There is only an honest pen and an eased soul.

I liked this part too, but I thought you might try not to repeat the word "they" so many times. Maybe try something different.

They are there for no one else but me.
They are part of my soul.
They wipe clean the slate of my mind
dirtied by petty thoughts and meaningless clutter.
They transport me beyond my body to a
calming and serene place where nothing matters.

maybe try:

Tears for no one else but me.
They are part of my soul.
Wiping clean the slate of my mind
dirtied by petty thoughts and meaningless clutter.
Transporting me beyond my body to a
calming and serene place where nothing matters.

All in all, a very nice piece. Keep Writing!

LadyD
3
3
Review of On Toppins Bridge  
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (4.5)
Murphy,

Your wife is right! It's brilliant. Write on!

LadyD
4
4
Review of Unconditional  
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lee,

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed this poem. I especially liked the line "My knees need polished by my floor" very nicely done. The message is one we could all benefit from. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal poem with the rest of us.

KEEP WRITING!

LadyD
5
5
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (4.0)
Just an FYI:

I was not able to get this link to work. It just would not load properly. I was not able to go to the main website and find it either. I thought you should know so you can fix it. The testimonials are important and we should let as many people know about this site as possible.

http://www.writing.com/main/redirect.php?redirect_...

Thank you,

LadyD
6
6
Review by Lady D
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi there,

I just want to congratulate you first of all on being here and posting on Writing.com. We are all here to learn from each other and hopefully get better at what we all love to do and that is write.

That being said, I would like to comment on the opening scene that you posted. At the end of it, you commented to the readers that "just to let all readers know that this is the usual way i write" {c/} You went on to say that: "there is many mistakes grammer wise and perhaps a few on this one but i like to think my imagination is the strong point and like to capture moments"{c/}

To that point I would like to comment that I agree with you that the imagination behind a piece is very important. It is important that the reader be interested and held by the imagination of the writer, however, it is our job as writers to bring a reader into our world, into our imagination, in order to share that with them. The only way that we have to accomplish this, is through the use of our words.

Keeping this in mind, I would like to say that I had a hard time understanding what was going on in your story. It was difficult for several reasons, no defined paragraphs, no clear sentence structure and I had a hard time figuring out which direction your thoughts were going. I could not tell when you changed topics.

Now I am not an expert by any means on grammer and punctuation, in fact it is one of the things that I have the hardest time with, so I cannot say you need a comma here and a period there. I can only say, that for me, I had a hard time following it. I did finally, after reading it a couple of times make out what was happening in spite of the form, but it took a lot of the joy out of it for me because I had to try so hard.

I think you have a good handle on the subject matter and you know how to paint the picture for the reader and bring them into your world, I just think you need to work on it a little more to succeed at it.

I hope you found thses suggestions helpful and not hurtful. I did not intend them to be. I would be happy to come back and re-read and re-rate this piece if you want to do some editing. Let me know anytime. Keep Writing, you do have an imagination and that is the first thing I look for is something fresh and creative, something different. I don't think you will have a problem in that area. Best of luck to you.

LadyD

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review of The Memory Of Her  
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was not going to rate this because I know it would not matter to you what rating it was given. On second thoughts, I decided to rate it not on the writing itself, (while it was good, I don't think anything is perfect) but what was perfect about this was the emotions and the truth behind the words you were writing.

I could feel every bit of 13 year old angst and just as genuinely the heartbreak of losing a friend in such a tragic way. Thank you for sharing this little piece of yourself with the rest of us. It was a beautiful tribute to Tina, and I am sure that she would approve.

LadyD

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
8
8
Review of The River  
Review by Lady D
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Julee,

First of all, let me say that I really enjoyed your story. I am not very experienced in reviewing, so I will just tell you my overall thoughts, based on the ctriteria I have read in "Guidelines to Great Reviewing".

Did the plot interest me? - Yes, very much so. I found the topic very interesting and I loved the metaphoric aspect and the style in which you wrote it. I like the coalation between the trip down the river and the organizer's life. Very creative.

I especially liked the following lines:

"I find that the storms, the droughts and the debris have redirected the currents as they do my thoughts."
- this is beautiful

"Each encounter stamps another snapshot into the geography of my memory." (although, the word stamped here threw me a little as I felt "imprinted" or "exposes" would have fit better with the word snapshot - just a suggestion) :)

"Messy hair and baggy eyes hatch from the multi-colored cocoons" - I loved this description! I can see the tents scattered about the meadow.

Typos: Just one that I saw-

"Our faces are glow in the light of the fire as each one shares their thoughts on their journey, on the river and off." - (glow) should be (aglow) maybe?

Overall: I really liked it!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I hope that you will keep on writing!

Lori L. Dennis
LadyD





9
9
Review of Open windows  
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (5.0)
Impressive! I loved this so much. What a delightful read. You took me to your neighborhood one perfect, well placed word, in front of the other. Like footsteps to follow behind. Thank you for sharing your window with me. I cannot wait to hit your portfolio and read more! :)

Lori L. Dennis
LadyD
10
10
Review of Summer and you  
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there,

I love the sentiment of this poem. It is very sweet. I think we all have memories like this so it is very relatable. The only suggestion I have is is that it seems you skipped the rhyme in lines 3 & 4. The rest of the lines have that nice little rhyming pattern. I think it would flow better if you changed that, and maybe tightened up the meter a little. (I am compulsive about this - sorry it is a disease)

These are just suggestions you might or might not want to consider. :)
Over all I really liked it and thought it very fun to read. Thanks for sharing it with me.

LadyD
11
11
Review of A woman  
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh my God! I love this poem. This is what a Monet would look like if it were made up of letters. This is art, a picture perfectly painted.

There are so many lines of this poem that just grabbed me, I could not possibly name them all. Okay, yes I could, :)

"with the weight of her mistakes on her eye lids"
-great line!


"tinted
with growing shadows
That light could never create"

-awesome!

"But I left reality
in my
bookbag
in my high school locker
and theres no way
i'm going
back"

-I love this line!

"I can’t sacrifice my smiles
to satisfy
a man"

-Amen sister!

and the last stanza, was just amazing. Oh yeah, did I mention I loved the fact that it didn't rhyme?

I am truely greatful to have had the opportunity to have read this. What an amazing gift you have! Keep writing please, and I'll keep reading.

Lori L. Dennis
LadyD
12
12
Review by Lady D
Rated: E | (3.0)
First let me say that I am on a first name basis with your subject matter, so I may be a bit biased. I think there is something important to be learned about our "relationship" with food. And I think this poem touches on those lessons nicely, in a relatable way.
In my opinion, over eating is every bit as damaging an addiction, as drugs or alcohol. When we are addicted to those things, we can abstain and disable some of the more obnoxious of the symptoms, but we cannot abstain from food, so it may be harder to get under control.

I liked most of the poem, but I think it might have better flow if you leave out the word food at the beginning of every stanza. Maybe make it read a little more like your talking to food, instead of about it. <that's just my humble opinion feel free to ignore me completely>

One other suggestion, and as I said, I'm not very experienced in this, but my least favorite thing about the poem, (okay-I hate it, but who am I?) is the content of the last stanza. I hope that you don't really feel like that and you are just very creative. :) I would suggest changing it to something like:

"Back to hell demon,
you can no longer feed yourself
on my self-image or my self-esteem,
you are powerless over me,
no longer will you cause me to reject myself!

(okay, so it doesn't really fit with the rest of your poem, but you know what I mean)

Best of luck to you.

LadyD
13
13
Review by Lady D
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Marty,

First, let me say that I love the premise of this story. I think it is a great idea, the correalation bewteen the woman and the tree. It could be so much better with some additional work though. I am not a professional by any means, but in my opinion, if you eliminated the back story and let it unfold in the course of the letter itself, it would be better immediately. Furthermore, I think that the emotions the character were feeling could have been felt by the reader, rather than read about. Your choices of words could evoke a real emotional response from the reader with some re-writing. I have a long list of grammatical corrections you could start with if your interested. My favorite line in the whole piece was, "I wait for the saw." I think if the character truely talked to the tree in the letter and shared her deepest, inner most thoughts and fears, you could convey a tremendous amount of emotion. In order to do that I think you would need to pay less attention to the etails, and more to the kinship of the character with the tree. These are simply suggestions, and you are free to take them as I intended them to be, just a point of view to consider. If you would like additional specific changes I could suggest, feel free to email me directly at rittmans@281.com my name is Lori Dennis and I would be happy to try and help. Just remember I am here for the same thing as you, to get better and keep my juices flowing. Best of luck to you!

Lori
13 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rittmans