THis was another good one, I would suggest showing the shift is speakers when Books talks maybe *** before and after in the center of the lines. THat way readers would get the sense that a shift is settings and mood has happened.
There were no errors that I saw of in this one. Again alot of information and background. It just really built up what was to happen in the upcomming chapters. You did another great job with this and I'm sure that all the upcomming chapters will be just as good.
Thunder the leader of the Cleveland chapter of the Devil’s Seraphim. A Vampire Biker gang, that deals in drugs, kidnapping, prostitution, rape, and white slavery.
both of these are fragments, is Thunder the leader? maybe you could have thunder is the leader of the ....Devil's Seraphim, a vampire biker gang...
steeped: did you want stepped?
this was another great chapter kev. It showed what the Devil Seraphim is all about and what they are doing. Great work.
THis was a good chapter, the reader gets to see what kind of fighter Ryan is, and we see that he is a take no s*** kind of guy. I like that the Devil Seruim (sp) are in this as well, drawing a link between the two stories. Good work kevin.
This was an interesting story and very well written. I have been called to the schol psychologist because of one of earlier poems (not posted). Like you, nothing I said was heard and my mom was really worried about what was written.
Some people don't understand that writers write, yes some pieces may have a bit of ourselves in it but like with your story, I don't think you would go out and kill classmates. I'm sorry this psychologist didn't listen to either you or your mom.
that sucks that he got fired because he um does questionable things outside of work. Again this chapter showed where Ryan is going to go next and gives the reader an insight to his personality and almost his thoughts. It makes the reader want to know what will happen to Ryan next.
Wow this was intense first chapter, but at the same time help alot of information for the reader to know what Sgt. Mgr. Douglas is like and what he sees as his purpose (avenging wife and daughter's lives).
wow this was powerful for me: my name is Jennifer and I have blonde hair, and oddly enough I know a guy who doesn't want me to marry my fiance (difference in the letter I know). I liked the emotion and power in this, I could almost feel the intensitiy from jsut reading this and the despiration of "ann" to be with the one she loves.
This was great. awesome scriptures to look deeply in for a bible study or something. Gave me some ideas of what to do for our next meeting. WHen I read the bottom part about Doreen, That is just awesome and great. God is definately more powerful than anything in this world.
This piece just adds to the other great pieces praising God and showing ways to fight the good fight (the passage in Eph. has more about the armor and weapons of GOd.)
well that's not fair leaving us in the dark about what the creature is. :) It's good. got my attnetion and made me want to read more and find out what is the creature and what happens to your character.
The thought portions, personnally, seem more of thoughts when in italics.
this was an interesting read, and at points I had to giggle a bit. This was a different look into things and made me think about how I use metaphors or how I was taught to use them and when. I enjoyed it and it gave me something to think about next time I go to write something.
Again this chapter just feels to be too short. Maybe you could have Buffy talking to Christina, keeping her calm you know and Christina asking random questions about Buffy and Faith and how Buffy killed the vamps and what not. The part that said "great there could be tweleve year old slayers.." Who is saying that line? the way it is now, it seems like Buffy is saying it.
I just get the feeling that there should be more to this. What else does she do to try to be "tough" how else does he try to explain to her. Maybe you could have him look down at his leg from time to time, which she doesn't notcie. It just seemed to need more too it.
apart of their everyday.: maybe add life
friends thing and : think instead of thing?
You have a good piece here with emotions and feelings. I like the way you ended it with two becomming as one. I have always loved that idea and image of two peole finding each other and then their lives merge and soon they become the better half.
this was sweet and wanting to share everything with that special someone. It's almost as if you are up on a pedastal (sp), and you want that person to join you on it but they feel they shouldn't; it's a special place for you alone, and then you thank that person for seeing you in that light, while youhave that person in the same.
This is a wonderful piece that opens eyes. I think too many people turn their backs away from the horrors of child abuse in any form, even family. This piece did make me cry just thinking of the kids that are harmed and knowing some families have a hard time getting the help they need (long heart renching story). We need to protect our kids any way we can and again this piece forces people to look and see that something NEEDS to be done. Thank You for writing it.
I really don't know what to say to this piece, I felt alot of pain and heartache as I read it. There were points were my heart broke.
There were points where "i" needed to be capitalized but that didn't take away from the feel of the piece. You just pull your reader in and make them feel what you are feeling. good job.
I saw this one the news the other night and I was appauled to see that people are actually considering shooting cats. I mean these animals could be some child's pet that got out or something. I'm happy to see other animal lovers who will be fighting this.
"The sky was a light blue color. The color you seldom see in nature."
I don't get that part, why would you seldom see a light blue sky in nature, I think you would seldom see it in cities, nature is where you see that color the most.
You did a good job describing everything and getting your reader to want to go to the forest or field to bask in the beauty of nature.
I started writing Haikus to broaden my talents alittle and they are hard. SO when I saw that you had some I decided to check yours out.
They are pretty good. each one seems to fit to make an entire poem. Although the second and the third didn't fit with the "theme" that i saw. Anyway you did a good job with them.
stories so that< i think you may want a comma before so.
"laps and see" "pasts and weave" "house and just"< again i think you may want a comma before and.
"that Does" did you want does capitalized?
"storm.Many" "boats.Boats": spacing needed
" Voices" do you want voices to be capitalixed.
I liked your story and what it seems to be telling people to not put emphasis on t.v, computers, and things that don't matter so much as knowing each other and loving each other.
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