This was another great poem. My only suggestion would be to break it up into stanzas and a little more punctuation. Your readers won't know when to take a breath or when one thought ends and the next one begins. I especially liked the reference to Song of Solomon. Haven't seen that :)
The last line, both of them say all that at once? maybe have just one of them say it, or one start and the other finish.
Maybe add alittle more drama to it, like maybe they kiss and nothing is said, or they admit they like each other and something cause Tyler to have to walk away and he doesn't talk to her....you know something to add to it.
All that's right; Lord, help me win
~~You have the comma, take the semi-colon out
I've made mistakes, it's time to grow:
~~Maybe "now it's time"
Help me focuss on the now
~~only one "s" in focus
Help me make it, Lord somehow
~~Take the comma out, maybe move it after the Lord
Help so my future, holds your face
~~again no comma. All the comma does is break the lines up too much and make it feel choppy. There are a bunch of other places that commas should be taken out. I say reread it and take out all the commas unless it serves a purpose...(pause)....
The last two lines somewhat confuse me. I think you would want the whole word "before" because the way it is, in the first stanza that third line is 6 syllables while in the second it's only 4. even thought it's only 2 syllables, it breaks the rythme up.
the cottage spoken of in the yarn
~~ Do you mean yard?
This is a good prologue and I would like to read the actual story. I noticed this is linked to Cinderela, so I will visit that section of your port. when I'm able to get the chance. A lot was revealed in this piece and sets the reader up for what will come. It gets us interested.
wow this was an amazing story. It was so suspenseful and I can't wait to see what would happen next, if you are going to take this longer. I didn't notice many grammer mistakes, but I wasn't looking specifically for them.
One I did notice was:
meal and I'm
~~There needs to be a comma after "and".
I liked this one. I'm guessing you are from Hawaii, so it let us into your world a little. It helped give me a picture of how the island would look with all the vegatation and wildlife, almost a Garden of Eden image. It was beautifully written and definitions at the end helped me understand what some of the words were :)
Wow so much went on in this little story/prelude. You have father and daughter together, then the confrontation and then the fight. A lot of people came about and then left. Alot of info to take in, which is good cause you leave some questions.
Like who is Logan, why are then men after him?
Who was the character at the end?
How did Logan come to be at the house?
Great piece. I liked the rhythme and rhyme scheme of this it was too intrusive. I too have been in this situation and i like the idea of it making us all stronger to be the ones on the outside. I love the last line:
victorians and newer cape cod: Victorian and newer Cape Cod.
Miguel couldn’t help but smile: there should be a comma after help.
This was another great story. It held me in and again I couldn't wait to see what would happen next. Will they go to prom together or even start dating....maybe another story ;)
Simply wonderful. My heart was beginning to race when he grabbed her hand and said "C'mon." You are doing an amazing job with this and I'm glab you stuck with it this long, and I hope you keep withit until it's completely finished. I can't wait to read chapter 6 and see what will happen next.
Another great chapter. I just cannot seem to take my eyes off of the computer! Again this reminds me of a situation between a good friend of mine and I. I like to switching of points of view. I helps the reader understand what is going on in each mind. Sometimes that's hard and the author gives too much away, but I think you are doing to great job with it.
You have a great talent of being able to pull your readers into your story. I did notice one mistake:
she leans down ans kisses me
you want and instead of "ans" I do that from time to time when I am typing really fast. This is a good first chapter, makes me want to read more.....and i realized i should have read these chapters before i read chapter 5 :)
I still can't believe that I slept in his arms tonight.
~~ I think you want last night.
OOOOoooo I have to read more!! The way you ended this chapter was somewhat what I was hopeing would happen. And oddly enough it sounds like something going on with me and a friend of mine. GOing to read the other chapters now :)
Overall I enjoyed reading this novel and I hope you can one day have this published. IT held my attention and kept me wanting to come back and read more and see what happens to the characters related to the story. Great work!
because friends in hight school
usually dtay in high school.
***hight: high
***dtay: stay
This was a good poem. I enjoyed your thoughts on friends who have drifted away. I have friends who have drifted and possibly have forgotten me but like you I haven't forgotten them
Other than slips of hand I pointed out. I would break this piece up into stanzas. You don't have much punctuation here and your reader doesn't know when to stop of a breath or pause.
This is good. The ambivolent emotions are very evident and a perfect example. Meaning it helped me understand what my professor was meaning about the mixture of feelings.
I would try to break it up alittle, into stanzas instead of having it all together. It may just be me, but it seemed to just run completely together.
I found this piece to be deep and emotional. The reader can almost feel the distress within you. I liked the last line, it was almost like a thought, you know how people pause before they say somethings. That's what I though of when I read that.
A fire do the elves tell stories around.
~~ I think the "do" in this line trips the reader. I suggest taking the word out and in place use a comma after fire:
"A fire, the elves tell stories around."
You don't want your readers tripping over a line so early in the poem. Other than that I think you have a good piece here. Was it written as children's piece?
with a secret smile on her face
~~ I kept wanting to say "upon her face", just a suggstion though :)
THis piece reminded me of my own kitty. I think you captured the mystery of cats in a sense. We watch them and they seem so much like their wild counterparts in so many ways. I loved you ending the poem with the smile on kitty. that was cute.
After something like time
~~ This line doesn't make any sense. something like time?? how about "some amount of time" or something more clearer.
This just seemed to drag on. It took forever to get to the end and find out what was going to happen to Keith. There seemed to be alot of filler stuff (like all the mundane things at work)
I like how you ended this poem. The rhyme scheme gave it a bit of a sing songy feel to it, but I think that works. I was able to imagine the sound, and the cat just sitting there looking at you.
~~Maybe you could go alittle into what was running through your head after you heard the sound.
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